a small (medium size) letter from a big fan

hi raymi,

you obviously don’t know me, but i thought it was time
i e-mailed you. why? well, here’s the reason.

i was casually looking at some pornography (classy
porn, mind you), and i came to this gallery (no pun
intended) and the girl in the spotlight was very
familiar.

this chick was, as it is known in popular culture,
hot. she was not just hot though, she was subtly hot.
i don’t even like the term hot. and not just that
either, she was totally off beat hot with that
spaced-out, yet smart look. hair that was a confused
brunette on xanax. she was real. and cool. maybe it
was me, but she looked slightly canadian, too.

who was this girl? i know know her! (via internet and
not by proxy). that’s right, raymi the god damn minx.

i googled your image and name –and lord knows there’s
a few results. i was back to where i was in early
2000’s– your blogspot site.

wow, i can’t believe she’s still doing this! i was
hoping you weren’t dead or something. –i was a daily,
yet silent fan back in the day. always admiring your
whimsical take on life and your truly funny entries.

i would like you to know i like you a lot. i have for
years. you still look better than ever. i am not a
stalker, please note. i can’t believe i ever stopped
looking at your blog and, more surprisingly, never
gave you money or bought you anything from a wishlist.

in closing, please keep writing your blog and taking
your digital pictures. I am re-born to your blog, but
might relapse in my drunkenness drug induced state and
forget to check back, but rock on anyway, raymi.

your pal,

brad

ps: once, or twice, i saw your nipples. they were sweet.

i cannot fucking stand it when girls are all ALL MY FRIENDS ARE GUYS BECAUSE GIRLS ANNOY ME COS THEY ARE ALL GIRLY like they are bragging or something.

1. it isn’t impossible to get any dumb guy to be friends with you, what did you climb a bunch of pyramids too? that guy is your “friend” cos he assumes one day he will be fucking you, congratulations.

2. girls don’t hang out with YOU because YOU are nasty and annoying and are incapable of getting along with them, do you really think that it’s the girls who should be bending to your standards and moods? say there are ten girls including you and you are the only one who can’t fit in and you say it’s cos all they talk about are boys and shopping and THEY are the problem all 9 of them and you are the only one who isn’t annoying? get the fuck over yourself and learn to get along otherwise you will be bitter and lonely for the rest of your life.

i use to be one of those all my friends are guys types and you know why? it’s cos i was a snobby stuck-up insecure piece of shit and you are too so once you recognize that, expand your circle of friends and plunk some bitches in there.

BONER OF THE WEEK: MILA KUNIS

she’s kind of like a DUH boner but oh well i have feared and ogled this meanie for a long time. i could go on and on about how awesome she is but really is there a point? bitchy rich privileged airheads (the one she plays on 70s show) are the best cos they make it sting for no reason and they flip their hair and eat cotton candy and live in a sparkly purple castle in the clouds FOR REALS!

she had me at you’re stupid.

she’s like this cute little ant in a polyester pantsuit and for added nerd jerkoff material she’s the voice of family guy’s meg. all you have to do is close your eyes and let her read from the yellow pages for about two minutes and you are like UGHH UNNNGH UUUUUNNNNGH SPLOSION!!!!!!!!!!!!

i would totally let her be alone with fil and pee with the bathroom door open so i could hear her say mean things to him and i would be like trickle tickle trickle SWOON.

i hope she gets typecast as jackie 4EVR! i would carry her around on my shoulders and take her out to beat up people i hate or we could travel back in time and hate on people together like the player hater’s club.

i keep coughing i keep coughing up phlegm and there’s some sort of summer camp children thing happening in the park and they are very loud.

so it wasn’t a vibrator they found in andrea’s bag it was a bunch of candy, whatever. that racist brandi chick is gone GOOD!

i bought these feta spinach pie things and they were gross it was like rotten grass shoved into nice little pastries with sesame seeds sprinkled on so we covered them in ketchup.

fil was waaaasted.

we watched brokedown palace. i like that movie a lot and i like claire danes’s ugly cry where her chin shrivels up inside itself, it’s awesome. i told fil there was no fucking way in hell i would take the heat for him or anyone and he says oh great that’s nice i would do it for you and i’m like OK PEACE! have fun in a thailand jail for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

how come claire danes and kate beckinsale got wicked ass haircuts and all the other prisoners got their heads shaved?

Dr Gene Scott

preacher of the day – why is he yelling? i like that he says he isn’t cussing.

THINGS I LIKED, USE TO LIKE, NO LONGER LIKE, NEVER FUCKING LIKED of the week:

- red hot chili peppers, the band. hi every song sounds the same who are you green day? when you sing all i hear is berrruLLLL blerrr brulll tongue rolling gayness and wank chicka wikka clicka wikka wikka crap you peaked at that roller coaster song you can’t top it so stop.

- wine gums. hello? where’s the wine? where’s the gum? you come in a tiny-ass package so that if opened in the presence of two other people you are gone in ten seconds, you are guilt-candy, where people feel obligated to eat you because you’ve been around forever and the queen is all about you and you taste like I AM SIXTY YEARS OLD. fuck off.

- silly putty. newflash YOU ARE NOT A MIRROR STOP MAKING BACKWARDS IMPRINTS OF STUFF I DON’T EVEN LIKE FAMILY CIRCUS NOT-BACKWARDS WHY DO I WANT TO LOOK AT IT AGAIN WITH BACKWARDS LETTERS?

- people who suck at tic-tac-toe. seriously dude, you suck. and now i think you are more stupid than before how do you like that? i’m putting my X in any of the corners and you’re going to take the middle AGAIN cos you think the outcome will be different? IT WON’T! you’re a) going to fuck yourself over or b) make it a cat’s game and fuck us both over for the next five minutes LIKE IT’S FUN – IT’S NOT so lets play SOS instead.

- guitar feedback. hi are you cool or pleasing to the ears? oh wait i know! the person who is making you is entertaining THEMSELF ONLY and it is all very clever and hysterical to ONE person, wicked. hey guess what, i am not going to pay to see your next show asshole bye!

- windchimes. for reals, i am going to strangle you then i am going to tangle you! what are you a marionette? no? THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT!

fil is a girl, he really likes canada’s next top model, so do i. we like it better than america’s version cos the girls are ecclectic beauties not carbon copies of each other, they’re REAL. i have a feeling that that beyonce girl and the one with zits on her chin discover a vibrator in that skinny one’s suitcase, based on the preview. i can’t wait to find out tonite. anyone who leaves comments saying the canadian girls are ugly you will be 1. banned 2. told the fuck off.

i hope sisi wins cos she’s retarded and talks the best secret shit about everyone and her left eye is preactically on her forehead and i wish she was my friend. i thought i saw the zit chin one in the back of a cab the other day while fil and i were going to get booze and i told fil and he went UUUUUUAAAAAAGH!! and practically broke his neck trying to see but the cab was already gone. i am in a good mood today i feel like there might be a wine success story on the horizon as in i will drink wine and toast myself to my good mood and well, yeah. i came up with WINE SUCCESS when i was taking a crap and ideas on the toilet no matter what they may be always seem to be really good ones.