the biggest thing that never happened excerpt

One of the worst things you can do to your talents is smother them, whether it be by the drink or a 9-5, what’s the point of a talent if it goes nowhere? The whole tree falling in the woods sentiment, does it make a sound if no one is around to hear it? And then some smart-ass goes of course it does, we all know that a huge tree falling will surely make noise blah, blah.

Literal thinkers should be publicly drowned.

Moreover, no, the tree will not make a sound if no one is there to hear it.

You have a talent and you don’t do anything with it or hone it, then you do not have a talent. That is that. You can talk a mean streak all you want, forty years down the road and you can no longer do the splits, that’s information better left unsaid, sister.

i can’t talk right now i am shelling shrimp because i am a housewife and i belong in the kitchen and cid thinks he is king of the universe and everything because he smells seafood and i bought kocher pickles and i am wrapping them in westphalian ham because if food isn’t ironic or oxymoronic or SOMETHING then i am NOT EATING IT hello tuna sandwich you are boring me learn some jokes and get back to me thanks.

ps going to the supermarket empty-stomached is dumb you are all I NEED TO FIT EVERYTHING IN MY FUCKING BASKET BECAUSE I HAVE A CRAVING FOR ALL OF AISLES 1-8 INCLUDING PRODUCE THE END.

it’s raining infinity here and there’s no food and no espresso even to stave off my hunger, soonly i will have to venture out. the thunder is scaring cid.

i haven’t added to my book in what seems like forever, too much bitterness i think.

Phil:

im soooo hungry

me:

i have to do makeup and hair dry where do u want to eat
i want that hamburger

Phil:

mmmmm
but
wouldnt that be wrong
i mean
so right
but so wrong

me:

it would be very wrong
we could share it

Phil:

but that wouldnt be enough food

me:

but then i would go mentally insane and not let u share it right

Phil:

totally

me:

well we could just get cheeseburgers

Phil:

um no
if i was there
id have to have the ultimate

me:

well basically i am just craving the flavor of the cheese

Phil:

my mouth is actually watering

me:

ok well ill just get a cheeseburger then
we can park at lcbo and get wine

Phil:

we cant let this become a habit

me:

my mouth just filled with saliva

Phil:

hurry getting ready
nownownownownownownownownownownow

me:

this is a funny conversation to put on my blog
seeing as we are in the same room
we could be speaking out loud

Phil:

we’re too hungry to actually talk
this way we don’t argue

me:

totally

Phil:

ok pleeeeeeease go get ready i could eat the couch i am so hungry
even the cushions