dear every one of my friends i called yesterday who didn’t call me back all three of you, thank you for not answering the fone you missed an awesome time at the ZOO!

so i have decided that i need more/new friends who want to hang out with me and fil during saturday afternoons and go on adventures and will actually ANSWER THE PHONE when i call please apply via email with photo and no crazy boring nerds, drinkers welcome. no complainers either.

wow that was quick ok kids the messageboard is already in the process of creation so i mean it i want three trustworthy net addicts email me for moderation posts and for me to tell you some rules and what is and is not acceptable.

also my camera pretty much doesn’t work anymore so if you want to buy me a new one go ahead.

ps the egg on the burger was amazing and added to the flavor and they cook it separately then put it on top DUH.

click that shit

it’s for fil’s blog yeh i know it’s a picture of me oh well.

i also cannot stop thinking about the hamburger i ate yesterday and fil had one too. it was at this nice diner i will not mention but noel you can email me and i will tell you so you can stop going all the way to dangerous dan’s anyway, it was an ultimate burger with bacon and cheese and a fucking egg on it and the type of cheese was that kind that tastes like the best fake chemical cheese in the world where you are full-on eating some fucking fake cheese and the guy who serves you has 1.5 teeth in his mouth. their onion rings are pretty wicked cos they’re see-thru greased up fuck i regret eating all that shit but still it was probably the best 15 minutes of eating in my life.

above foto is not the burger i ate but i sort of wish it was based on comedy alone.

RAYMI’S SECRET OF THE WEEK:

this is how you get on a good post-writing roll.

imagine someone reading your blog is super duper cool and judgemental and every word you type has to one-up them and they make you feel extremely insecure and obese and they are that type of pretentious that you cannot stand nor avoid, pretend the editor of vogue reads you, ooh i just thought of that one. now i’m nervous.

i’ve decided there should be a raymi forum or messageboard so you guys can zing each other over there and post pictures of girls crapping on themselves and have avaters and fight over how racist and drunk i am, i’ll keep comments here of course but you know what i mean? there are a hundred thousand directionless messageboards out there and i figured a raymi one would make sense, so i need someone to help me with this, if you know anything at all about that sort of thing and to make it pretty looking please get at me also i will require a few moderators ie people who have close to zero life outside of the internet and are interested and desire the messageboard power and will take it seriously. i of course would also moderate/admin. shit but i can’t be expected to babysit all the time so yeh, email me raymitheminx@gmail.com and then if you know about peeps advertising on it so i can be rich that would be sweet. bye.

so sarah asked me yesterday when i was going to do my stand-up thing and i was like well i told everyone i was gonna do it then i broke down and released my precious material and ZERO people laughed but i guess i’ll give it another go so i said ok here i go and i opened my mouth and she busted into laughter straight away and i’m like sarah i haven’t even made a joke yet and she’s all well i think it’s funny.

noel liked my take on spiders at least. i will also have one minute devoted to THE SHIT I SAID FIRST where i say a bunch of stuff and then i say NOW THAT CONCLUDES THE SHIT I SAID FIRST PORTION OF MY SET.

then i talk about powerpoint. then i’ll do my i don’t give a care spiel and have a slideshow of pictures of people and talk about how much they don’t give a care then i’ll discuss how witty i think i am and the specific origins of my wit until someone heckles me and i go into a shame spiral in a bathroom stall untill someone brings me some blow.

BONER OF THE WEEK GOES TO ZOOEY DESCHANEL

everytime i am watching a movie with fil and she’s innit i turn to him and witchily accuse him of having a fucking crush on her a hundred times and by the end i am so psychotically irrationally jealous i want to jump through a wall of fire i mean a fucking brick wall, AND it’s on fire so i am ensured to get all fucked up from the bricks and then set on fire for additional pain.

anyway this bitch is scary and i like that, you can’t tell if she has down-syndrome or like a higher essence of beauty that the rest of us lumpheads haven’t discovered yet.

her voice drives me a little crazy too – it’s all deepish and highish at the same time, and she seems to be really smart and if i met her i would lose the chip on my shoulder immediately. in that winter movie with will ferrel she’s sitting on her windowsill in her underwear and a t-shirt after a nite of coke and her scaggy theatre friend comes over and tries to kiss her and she says PLEASE LEAVE and he does and i swear to christ my vagina opened up like one of those venus flytraps in little shop of horrors. she also seems like a big drinker and we all know my fondness of le drink and girls who swim in sauce i would totally let her punch me in the face and then stand there laughing and pointing at her like i “get it” all the while my teeth are busted.

also, i bet if she walked in a room and someone was shooting up she’d be all i don’t give a care and eat some skittles and watch the tube like her grandma was on her way over.

sometimes her hair is all crazy cave lady junky-looking and i’m like ps. can i live in it? ok this is getting borderline stalky now bye.