IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS WITH MY RETARD ART!
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not that i have ever tasted pee before but why do pineapples taste like it?
thinking about that bill reminded me of kindergarden when we drew in our journals. it was such an arduous task for the teacher to monitor that we only did it once a week. these helper girls made the books for us out of construction paper and huge drawing paper stapled between to form this huge ledger type book. (by the way in kindergarden we thought the helper girls were super cool but by the time i got to grade 7 i realise they were choosing to spend their recess hanging out with kindergardners cos they are nerd losers and i know this cos i did it too but only during winter to avoid having to stand out in the cold for an hour also you get to drink tang and eat cheez whiz and celery but once spring hit i was like PEACE peepee pants kids who can’t tie laces haha).
ok the reason the bill reminded me of these journals is cos you draw a bunch of crap with crayons like total bullshit art, squiggles and crooked lines and fucked up face people with no bodies and birds whatever so when you are finished drawing you tell the teacher or the helper girl what your drawing is of and they write the caption for you and my drawings always at least went along with the caption but these other kids would have a huge red circle and a bunch of dots and a yellow pile of shit and the caption would be this is me and my dad in the park and we are eating ice cream and that is my brother feeding the ducks in the pond and my mom is wearing a long beautiful dress more or less.
i remember asking my friend johnathan about his picture which was of some orange gate and a red blob and a black fence and he is like oh this is me at the baseball game with my brother i’m like um THEN WHY DIDN’T YOU DRAW YOU AND YOUR BROTHER AT THE BASEBALL GAME HOLY SHIT!!?
this is about the time i realised that i was smarter than the majority of the population of the planet. i took one of those tests that parents make their kids take to see if their kid is a retard or a genius and i had to draw myself and i made it very detailed complete with eyelashes and fingernails and a necklace. my mom was talking to her hairdresser about this and she said that her son drew a triangle. HAHAHA.
the moral of the story is kids are fucking retarded and should be eaten.
here is something funny i forgot to mention that happened at the ethopian place friday nite — me and sarah are dancing with all these chief playas and are the only white people in the whole place including noel and fil anyway i’m all dancing like no tomorrow and this baller type guy comes up to me and is like are you here with your boyfriend? and i said yeah and he goes where is he? and i point at fil and say HE’S THE GUY OVER THERE IN THE SWEATER.
ahahha.
that place is so tiny and all my key dance moves involve raising my arms and punching them in the air and everytime i did it i would punch the ceiling or a beam. when we left our waitress was like you better come back and i said fucking right i will. she loved us cos we ordered four rounds of black russians and they didn’t have any milk so it was just the vodka and the kahlua except noel had them with bailey’s for the milk so like a three booze drink with no mix the funny thing is the waitress was very apologetic for not having milk so she is like but i have bailey’s. nice.
but after awhile it got a little creepy and out of hand, i went down to the bathroom and this guy followed me and pretended to be on the fone in the hallway so when i finished up i ran past him and up the stairs but as i passed he clicked his fone shut and said BYE HUN and i half turned to acknowledge him and cos i was runwalking i almost ran into a fucking wall AWESOME. ps dude who goes down the stairs to the basement to talk on a cellfone better reception down there buddy? must be. pfft.
ok fil just informed me that black russians don’t have milk so the waitress was wrong in offering milk anyway whatever when the bill came it was written in all these squiggles and letters that don’t even exist i was like ok i know i’m wasted but i can at least read but this is fucked what are these words beside these prices? i wish i took a picture of the bill.
and now for another story about how great and selfless i am.
we were walking to varsity to see borat and i see this woman sitting on the sidewalk and she is pregnant and all her shit is scattered and i’m thinking holy ghetto and unfortunate for a homeless crazy to also be close to nine months pregnant but then i realise oh right she’s fallen or fainted and can’t get up so we go over and fil gets his fone out about to call for an ambulance or something and this other lady went to her aid the same time as us and we helped her up and i let her lean on me bla blah and it happened two feet behind her car with her kids and mom in it and they had no idea so i go over to the passenger side where the mom is and i’m motioning for her to roll down the window and she is terrified of me like i’m a homeless crazy so then i motioned to my stomache and made a half arc swoop like i was pregnant and she was even more confused and terrified but by that point the pregnant lady walked over to the driver’s side and got in and then the mom opened her door and i’m like your daughter fell down right behind you she’s all out of sorts bla bla and then we left and the pregnant lady yelled out thank you.
oh and we didn’t see borat at varsity it was sold out but we went to paramount and saw it there and then went to the blackbull where i stared at these girls i thought i knew from highschool/elementary school and i was sizing them up to see how much they had aged, gotten fatter to gauge whether i should go over and say hi but i wasn’t sure if one of them was this one girl who was my best friend for a 2 year period so i pretended i had to go outside i mean i went outside pretending there was a reason for it and passed the table and saw that it was her so i went over to fil and was like ok it’s go time, i went back to the table and crouched down and i go hey and jessee goes um hi? and i pointed at myself and said I AM LAUREN WHITE and she goes OH MY GOD FUCK HOLY SHIT NO WAY etc and we shoot the shit for a bit she’s engaged and a nurse and she’s going to marry a cop i’m like holy adult but i couldn’t help but feel like um you are defining yourself by the fact you are engaged i mean i don’t want to hear about some dingaling i want to know shit about your life anyway she goes who are you here with and i motion over to fil and say him and she goes oh he’s cute and i say yeah, he’s alright haha.
then we went to the horseshoe to watch the rest of the game where we sat beside this drunkard polish guy who sounded like borat and he went on and on and on about canada and music and he said so much shit i want to take a nap it is so exhausting thinking about it anyway other people at the bar got him quoting borat and that was funny at least.
and then we went to this pub in the club district i forget the name of but is essentially a place for toolbags and busted paris hiltons and fil and his school buddies destroyed my already destroyed steelers hoodie and before we left joel (fil’s friend) was showing off his hugging skills and all these guys start hugging each other and giving tips like MAKE SURE YOU GET PARTIAL FACE/CHEEK TOUCHING haha then we went to meet samir and sharpie and stefan at czehoski’s and this was at 1am so you can imagine how toed-up i was at this point and then i drank champagne with this cute blond girl who was dating the dj who turns out went to grade school with fil and i was like to sharpie THIS GIRL IS TALKING TO ME SHE IS PAYING ME ATTENTION WEIRD and i know the only reason why is cos of my cram cream pink purse that lise gave me for my birthday so thanks lise for the pussy magnet purse! oh her name was rachel and we were out smoking and yelling beastie boys songs and she knows more lyrics than i do and dudes across the street were like aw yeah and singing with us then her boyfriend/dj came out and asked her to stop embarrassing him haha. anyway i was all hey let’s double date we can go to bed bath and beyond!
Fajna z ciebie laska wpadnij kiedys do Polski :)))
what does that mean?
oh last nite when i was walking to meet ber i saw this crazy lady lob an empty yogurt/drink bottle into the street and i waited til i was out of striking distance before i said anything this is what i said WHY WOULD YOU LITTER LIKE THAT? and she goes COS I LOVE IT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT BITCH!? and i knew immediately she was crazy, she was wearing metallic fuscia lipstick so i screamed out YOU ARE DISGUSTING in a way that made her know that she is filthy scum and what she did was also disgusting and she goes WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT BITCH SUCK IT FATTY BITCH BITCH BITCH and i screamed out even louder YOU ARE FUCKING DISGUSTING and everyone around me cheered and agreed somewhat but i kept walking away as she was yelling and standing half in traffic wtf?!
why do these encounters happen when i am sober and alone if at least one person was with me i would have the courage to do something more like pick up her bottle and throw it in her face. anyway the moral of the story is: bitches wearing fuscia lipstick standing in traffic high on shit, crazy as fuck and in their mid-forties, aren’t worth getting rabies over.
also, it was the way she threw the bottle that pissed me off most, she threw it like she was making a statement to which i don’t know but it was like i am the boss of bloor street fuck this yogurt bottle. by the way who the hell drinks yogurt? um, barf.
TWO YEARS AGO TODAY
my friend the jesus is awesome, he got punched in the face by a bunch of ginos and had to call the cops on his own house party and he was all bleeding by the time this girl he liked showed up to the party and he was like, yeh.
