that chalk drawing is suppose to be me angry that we don’t have any more chalk and that is the one hair what grows out of my chin that fil added to it

Ryan: hi lauren
you have strange drinking stories

me: why
how is that strange
isnt it cute?

Ryan: they’re just different
yes sometimes

me: different?

Ryan: i go out drinking all the time too but i don’t seem to think about it so much
my friends, we run around town yeah but we don’t have seinfeld episodes with people

me: seinfeld episodes haha

Ryan: every time, my night is like. we drank drinks got drunk and repeated movie lines in falsettos, some of us got laid, others didn’t, nothing sounds fun about it
it IS fun but i can’t make it sound fun

me: well im sure there are funny bits the trick is to remember them

Ryan: yeah sometimes.

me: oh well that is why i am a popular blogger and you are not

Ryan: hahah

rocket skateboard THANKS DAD!

skydiving tip: WATCH FOR AIRPLANES

al kyder and terry wrist

pennies for the tollbooth man

this is what a penis looks like split in half do NOT click it at work or ever well if you want to…

i don’t think i mentioned this before anyway get ready for:

A SUPERBOWL PITT STORY.

so we go to the pour house early on with pitt to grab a sweet spot to watch the game and for your information i do not give a shit about football i only care about hockey and maybe a tiny bit about baseball and nicolas cage impressions, that’s it. the only time i cared about football was when the patriots won the superbowl when i lived in maine, was that 2002? i think so. so yeah we go to the pour house and we are boozing it and i am drinking vodka cranberries and by the time i am finishing my second the waitress goes DO YOU WANT ANOTHER CAPE COD? and i kinda shake my head and she is sort of passing by to the bar and i exclaimed I’M DRINKING A CAPE COD?! and pitt and fil exploded into laughter and i ask WHAT THE FUCK IS A CAPE COD? and she goes oh you know vodka/cranberry and i add HOW PRETENTIOUS now this amongst other minor indiscretions and obnoxious loudness from who else pitt has made us the gong show table (our bill by the end of the nite was over $200 and maybe 2/7 of it was for food) ok so bring on the guess which celebrity i am impersonating game. i try and do christopher walken and laughing at me for that one lasts about ten minutes or so. so then we all start doing nicolas cage and decide that we will talk like him for the rest of the game INCLUDING when we order from the waitress well more like ESPECIALLY when we order from the waitress well actually ESPECIALLY WHEN PITT ORDERS FROM THE WAITRESS.

so he does his nic cage a few times and then after this fucking platter shows up (when pitt is wasterrs he likes to order ridiculous shit off the menu, typically heart attack platters that’s why he is so thin) the waitress is walking away slowly kind of confused over why pitt sounds like a fogey having an orgasm when he talks so she turns around and points to herself while asking if we are making fun of her and i started laughing and said no no no he’s just impersonating nicolas cage, to which in hindsight sounds like total bullshit so we start eating the platter and pitt gets some vietnam paranoia and is convinced our food was spat in and why isn’t fil eating any if not? omg.

he said it must have been spat in cos of the first time he did nic cage it planted the seed of doubt in her mind and then for her to say something about it meant that she confirmed in her mind that we were. oh whatever pitt.

fil and i were practising nic cage in bed last nite cos he was on leno he is fun to impersonate.

that’s me and a haggis, that thing is a family heirloom i have been coveting it since i was a wee baron and now it is mine.

that’s my brother and i, i forget where, my nana and papa took us out for the afternoon. i am maybe 2 so my brother is 4 and notice how i am shoving food into my mouth instead of one popcorn at a time that’s cos my brother is very greedy even more than me so i had to take huge handfuls if i wanted to eat as much as him and he wouldn’t let me hold the bag, we wouldn’t even stop fight-eating for one second to have this picture taken in front of that globe and i am also thinking about blogging in this picture.

them’s the business right there fil is officially a gangster. he said he needs to get more shirts with french cuffs now.

i was dreaming that he bought me an ugly jacket it was fuscia orange and black and kind of like a north face style puffy marshmallow and i had to pretend that i liked it cos we were on a train in the 1930s eating chicken in a restaurant and this frat boy was getting wasted with all these families dining around him and i said good for you for getting wasted in front of little kids oh and i bought a pink shirt too and it showed my cleavage we stopped in a tunnel for a long time and it was all dark and we were in the english countryside.

in other news, cid is one of those demons that came from the hole in the backyard in the gate. i love that movie and have seen it 50 times.

his life has gone to shit now cos i put my suitcase on the shelf in the closet where he likes to nap for hours on the towels and i re-organized the bookshelf the one he likes to jump on from the wine fridge to mindfuck me into feeding him so now there is no room to sit, he already tried to knock some shit over but when he landed there was only two inches of space so he had to jump back down LOSER.

i want to “read” this book because i am a prevert.

what does this mean? scroll down the page cntrl f search ‘raymi’

Raymi mieszka w Toronto i lubi pokazywać swoje fotografie. Zwykle nie do końca ubrane. Ma 23 lata, studiuje sztukę, brała środki antydepresyjne, zawsze marzyła, żeby wydać książkę. Mieszka z kotem i swoim chłopakiem Philem. Pisze, co jej ślina na język przyniesie. O tym, co przeczytała, co zobaczyła, gdzie zrobiła zakupy i jaki film obejrzała. A mimo to jest niesamowicie popularna.

me: what does this mean
Phil: looks polish
me: yeah thanks
english please

here are the parts i can make out:

raymi toronto urban 23 antidepressant phil? popular

hmm sounds about right.

Phil: Raymi lives in (to) toronto and it likes to show photos (photographers). Usually < ordinary > not up to the end dress. Has 23 lat < summer > < year >, it studies art, it took center (means) antidepressing, it dreamed always, that (in order to) issue book. It lives with cat and boy Philem. It writes, that its (her) will bring on language ślina. About it, it has read that, it has seen that, where it has made shopping and it has observed that movie. But nevertheless it is incredibly popular.
?

me: EW
why cant guys be normal when girls say the word sausage
i didnt know poland had the internet
ahaahaha

sunday party

i made that for fil‘s stepdad before fil and i started dating so it is older than our relationship. i cheaped out on a good gift and put together that collage and topped it off with a dollarama frame now it is worth $300 i told tod if he is ever short on dough he should sell it on ebay he said no way.

that’s tod what’s up dude. he is the one who found cid in a dumpster at the golf course he use to work at HERO!

that drink is the best and you get to keep the glass but some of it spilled when fil opened it and he had a major meltdown.

sorry buuuut my eyes are beautiful they are aqua grey golden sunsets

i told him to get those sunglasses, me 1; fil 0.

when fil lectures me i mock him and make a naggy retard face and mouth mumble what he is saying at the same time he is saying it and shake my head back and forth (my brother does it to his girlfriend too and my dad use to do it to my mom, it’s genetic) that plus my yenta glasses makes him lose his MIND. *bonus points for triple chin.

checking the side profile lookin good dawg i wish that jacket was a size smaller

fil’s mom as a teenager i think holy babesville she looks like she just came home from babysitting or something.

nap time.

we visitted aimee and dave they have funky shit all over their apartment, aimee is pretty creative.

for anyone who cares i didn’t wear make-up yesterday and i didn’t bathe either i rolled out of bed and went out with all the shit on my face that i fell asleep in i am going to do that more often i call it GARBAGE FACE LOOK.

every time i go into the bathroom at the loose moose that motherfucker is there, you walk in from the right and that dude always trips you out into thinking it’s a burglar rapist cos out of the corner of your eye you see this dark shadowy mass standing dead still and you get scared and you are also kind of drunk so it’s extra creepy. then you go back to fil and pitt and try to explain in english about him and you tell them every time you go there, so that’s like ten times by now at least no wait ten times times 4 bathroom trips each visit.

Nora the piano playing cat

Nora began playing the piano on her own. She plays even when she is alone in the room. She really enjoys playing duets with a student playing on the second piano.

my mom and i on gabbly

today i am emo siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh
sigh
sighhhh
so look forward to some gay fucking poetry

here is a conversation fil and i just had if you cannot decipher it then you are beneath a grade 2 reading level:

Phil: brb
Phil: b
me: h
Phil: h
me: h

i am on my period and there are no tampons so i am tping it right now i will have to walk to the drugstore and get tampons and waddle with toilet paper in my pants i am a show on the women’s network right now. something about that W in the corner is a turn-off like oprah told me to watch everything on that channel and then i don’t out of spite.

i watched all of me you and everyone we know last nite in bed while fil was asleep i was pretty wasted so all the sketchiness wasn’t such a big deal like oh yeah that 4 year old is getting kissed romantically on the lips by that cougar, fine.

before that we watched the family stone i LOVE that movie anyway i already saw it, though despite that i still asked fil questions about what was going on and it was his first time seeing it. I AM FUN.

hmm maybe if i sit in the same position all day and i don’t do anything or very little i can slow down my bleeding and then i won’t have to go out and get tampons fil can bring them to me A+ for no effort lauren! ok that’s about 7 hours let the fun begin.

the super’s wife let herself into our unit cos i didn’t make it to the door quickly enough, uh next time you better have a vacuum in your hands lady. she’s sweet cos she remembers cid and says she has a cat that looks like him. fil and i have thought maybe she could feed him if we wanted to go away for a week, i get the feeling though that one of her top 5 jeopardy categories would be snooping so maybe not i mean, i would much prefer a friend snooping through my shit and at least if they came across a dildo it wouldn’t be a huge disgusting mystery or anything. anyway i wanted to sleep in some more but landlady and duder came in to change the fire alarm. this building is really gung-ho when it comes to maintenance and upkeep i think the fire alarms in our townhouse growing up were a thousand years old, anyway it’s nice and all but i don’t need a fucking print-out for everything that goes on in this building, fil likes it though it makes him feel like he is part of a club.

a lady died a month ago who lived here for many years and there was a note taped on every floor and in the elevators about it, i wonder when i die if i live here still what my note will say THAT YOUNG FUCKING WHORE WHO THINKS EVERYONE HATES HER DIED WE DON’T KNOW WHEN THE FUNERAL IS AND WE DON’T CARE GOOD RIDDANCE.