i made these last nite they are WHIMSICAL fil said i had to put more eggs in otherwise it would be a quiche. doesn’t a quiche require cream and fat women’s fingers or something?
fil made this delicious pizza from scratch it is amazing i only had one slice because i am trying not to be the fattest girl in the room anymore. did you know i don’t drink beer anymore? just scotch and vodka and wine and gin but in small amounts. ok nevermind. maybe small amounts in my head. i eat less so i get wasted easier so i drink less. the end.
that’s me and anj from a few halloweens back she is a wicked bass player and singer too we are going to make some music together i have to write songs i hope they don’t turn out like rush again all i know how to write about is lord of the rings and clouds and depression. i’m such an idiot back then i perma-saved all my pictures small so i don’t have the originals of all the good ones. i am smiling like sam crenshaw cos the dude beside me is WAY passed out and i was scared of him cos he is a fucking lunatic.
that’s sam crenshaw (for you americans) he is the detective puppet on today’s special i have referenced him before and will continue to do so in the future as we have the same nose. i would lose my mind if i missed an episode of today’s special and i thought the computer sam used was amazing and intimidating i was sad cos i thought that i would never ever be able to learn how to use a computer. remember muffy mouse? ha muffy. muff.
mental breakdown much? this is how you know a girl is not well, when the hair comes off, i almost did it myself years ago while talking to myself in the backyard and luckily a bug flew by my face while i was figuring out whether i should cut off my beautiful long hair and i took it as “a message” to not do it. spears needs help y’all give it to her NOW!
haha i just woke up fil who is trying to sleep away his hangover and said that i had some very important news for him and sorry i know you are sleeping and all but BRITNEY SPEARS SHAVED OFF ALL HER HAIR IN A TATTOO PARLOR. fil was like?? why are you telling me this now?? FINE he will feel really stupid when he sees the pictures of her.
here is a nice email from a nice girl to distract you from the pain of the fallen celebrities:
I heard your interview in class…
Hey I was in the guy’s class who interviewed you and after I heard the interview I started reading your blog.
I love it and it is going to be my new guilty pleasure.
I also wanted to tell you that I totally felt you on what you were saying about people getting pissed for women asking for attention, and yes even if it sounds cliche, they are jealous and they should suck it.
for now here i am singing while fil plays ms. pacman i am mysterious. song is missing, beck. here is a who will save your soul xmas eve singsong and i am wasted. this is do you want to know a secret. the thing with me and drinking and singing is i really like to do them simultaneously. it’s my life this one will kill you. here i am trainwrecking through papa don’t preach. be jealous. here i am after falling down some stairs and slurring. adorable. this is in my place and this is mrs. robinson. wasted singing travis oh man it is fucking brutal.
ok i am being neurotic and anal and recording myself reading part of marketable depression my heart is racing i am so gay is there allowed to be music in the background or is that WAY more embarrassing? i feel like i am going on a first date holy diarrhea maybe i should just write about my apocalyptic nightmare instead?
*ok i did one i can’t listen to it though it makes me want to put my head into a wall fil is going to listen to it when he gets home.
I’ve been a reader of yours for a few years now (well…maybe only a year or so…hard to keep track), found out about you through the ever wonderful Matt Good
anyways, the reason I’m writing you is to tell you how much I love your writing, and how you can write about anything and everything and make it interesting. the best though is that you have seriously one of THE hottest voices EVER.
and I only just discovered that through the initiation videos. wow. If I had more money and didn’t live abroad I’d wear one of your propaganda shirts EVERYDAY
anyways. yeah. thanks for your blog! tara
should i do recordings of reading my posts/other shit like it is storytime?
CHECK THIS OUT NO IT IS NOT A PENIS SPLIT DOWN THE MIDDLE. nsfw. here is another holy shit, kirk.
i like when i write emo stuff cos i get a thousand emails from people telling me how miserable they are and how i am like joan of arc to them or something here is an email:
dude, i so know what you mean about all of this. i think it has something to do with mississauga as i have been stuck here my whole life and i am surprised i am not dead yet (not for lack of trying unfortunately). let me just say one thing, and don’t think i am being cheesy or whatever, but you making it through that time gives me some hope that one day i will join you in having a better life. your blog is not just about random stuff you do, you are a human being and sharing these sorts of things make people who are still singing that song feel better. fuck your haters, you keep it real. your blog has helped keep me sane over the past two months while i was unemployed and sad and messed up. thanks for helping me out.
p.s. sorry for the emoness of this e-mail, but i thought you should get some credit for this post. i also hope you plan to go see Bright Eyes with fil so i can blog-spot you and get excited like a twelve year old backstreet boys fan
here is something pathetic i did once to make you miserables out there feel a little less miserable. when i was living in mississauga after my crazy nervous breakdown i was a total loner, i did not go out, i was taking lithium and i could barely even talk or come up with anything original or creative it felt like the end of the world for me honestly i use to walk around the house singing that song carlton banks sang on fresh prince of bel-air and tyra banks as jackie catches him and they slow dance except when i sang it, it was ten times more pathetic cos i was in my pajamas and i never showered and would lean in a doorframe sighing LONELY IM SO LONELY I HAVE NOBODY FOR MY OWN.
i didn’t shave my beaver either cos i wasn’t getting laid my self-esteem was ZERO and i had no friends no one called me i called no one my life sucked i had no money and no booze. my hair was falling out too and the lithium made me get up early so i couldn’t even sleep away my depressing life so i would lie sideways on the couch and watch every single morning talk show, i obsessed about being on the price is right, i had decided that it was the ONLY thing that could save my life that was my high hope that is as outside of the box i could think, my limit. plinko was it for me. thinking back on all this now i’m surprised i didn’t kill myself. i even dreamed about getting into a car accident cos at least that would be something and maybe i would have some cool scars on my face under my eye i dunno.
so anyway the one pathetic thing i did during this time on top of many other pathetic things was walk to the plaza by myself one afternoon in the cold and purchased a box of laura secord chocolates, brought them home to my room and stood eating all the ones i liked the best, and going to the bottom tray finishing off those fuckers too. i did this standing up staring out the window and totally spaced out i felt ok this is the lowest of the low lauren you are a total hurtbag, i was probably crying too. ok no i wasn’t but you can pretend that i was crying and eating chocolates by myself in my tiny childhood bedroom with the lilac floral wallpaper.
then i brought the box of rejects downstairs and left it on the kitchen table for my brother and his girlfriend to go through, which they did but still left a bunch behind to which i just threw in the garbage the next morning feeling like a complete tool.
laura secord chocolates can only be enjoyed if you are trying to greed as many of them as you can at a christmas party.
maybe one day i will tell you what my actual low-point is.
at that time i thought i would never have a boyfriend ever again no one would ever want me and it doesn’t even seem silly now to me even though it completely is that’s how bad depression can get that’s how fucking awful lithium is my thought-process was completely valid at the time i felt, at 20 my life was fucking over.
don’t ever go on lithium unless you HAVE TO.
i didn’t get laid for six months and to some of you that’s a SO WHAT i mean i didn’t have affection or proper human contact for six fucking months and i guess i am still bitter about it.
and on top of all this everyone was bossing me the fuck around reverting me back into a child telling me what to do and being nosy and bringing up the shit i had already just gone through to use against me. my mom made me go to these drug/alcohol meetings at the hospital which i was kicked out of cos i never talked re: lithium i am probably going to write a book about those classes. i mean these people were all in their forties, fifties, sixties and here i am 20, i looked completely healthy compared to all of them it was silly my being there. fucking thanks mom.
they would look at me like why are you here you haven’t had a drink or any drugs in MONTHS and you don’t seem to be having trouble with it ME on the other hand i just got high last nite and my hands are shaking like crazy…
i felt like a fraud and i couldn’t even speak i was so nervous cos of the lithium so i probably looked like some college student sitting in to take notes on addiction i dunno.
so that was my life, doing nothing all day long then once a week an alcohol/drug addiction class and then sometimes i would go to adapt where my counsellor swore a lot to “relate” to me while my mom killed time shopping at winners. one time she made me walk to the plaza where winners was after my appointment to meet up with her so that i could be “more independent” (well actually so she could have more time to shop uninterrupted) and in order to get there i had to walk alongside a highway what the fuck i got the whole “being more independent” shit but walking alongside a highway w/o even a sidewalk and meanwhile i am a neurotic lithium mess? fun times kids. i think that day i screamed at her to buy me some shoes too. we do not get along.
