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a chat

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i can’t put up the new shower curtain cos the rings are so old rusted and cheap i just tried to take one off and my incredible hulk-like strength shattered it into a million pieces. oh and the new bathroom rug i bought us we cannot use cos of the rubber lining, not allowed to put it in the washers in this building. OH LOOK ANOTHER RULE.

merkley???: you are 80 years old

me: hahaha

merkley???: how is your blood pressure?

me: its just story telling relax

merkley???: no — it’s an emergency

me: what my crotchety blog post?

merkley???: eMERKgency

me: ha

merkley???: yes i read it
got home from LA last night
right before i went to sleep i did all my reading of the internet in my newsreader

me: what did u do there

merkley???: your blog comes up on the bottom because the rss feed is UNTITLED
went to the premiere of yes man

me: how did u go to that

merkley???: jim careys new movie

me: so u saw zooey deschanel

merkley???: my friends von iva are in the movie
yes

me: lucky

merkley???: her fictitious band in the movie are my friends
now they are all pals
i was beckys date
she plays keyboards
anyway

me: i LOVE zooey
sigh
sigh
i hate your luck

merkley???: so i read your blog last which made me have a dream about you
it aint LUCK ASSHOLE

me: i KNOW
did you come on here to brag

merkley???: anyway in my dream you were trying to make out with me

me: what is your opinion on my tattoo cos i know you have one

merkley???: IM TRYING TO TELL A STORY AND YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING

me: oh haa
I AM IN A TOWEL RIGHT NOW AND IT IS DARK AND I AM HUNCHED OVER
yeah right in your dream you were trying to make out with me nice try

merkley???: i’d admit it if it was true
you were trying to kiss me and it was like you never kissed anyone in your whole life
hahah
but the image was from one of your photos
i think it sparked the dream
because the location was about the same and the outfit too
cept you had a winter hat on

me: which outfit
when something comes up in a reader it comes up the way the post is when u hit publish right, and not when i go back to edit it?
so people miss stuff?

merkley???: i’m trying to find the picture
it updates

that picture
i think it was the last thing i saw before i went to sleep

me: haha

merkley???: but dude, you need to learn how to kiss a man
seriously
hahah

me: u need to learn how to have better dreams about me

merkley???: whoa dude, your blog looks all different
doesnt even look like your blog
i only read rss so i haven’t seen the actual thing for a long time

me: refresh
the bg changes everytime u refresh
theres like 50 of them

merkley???: cool
my blog background changes too so don’t think you were first
i like tattoos — back to that question
i never understood the fascination with blythe but it makes a good tattoo
who made your backgrounds? they don’t look made by you at all
are you ignoring me because i dreamed that you were an awkward kisser?

me: no i’m getting dressed
nerds made them they take images from my buzznet and make them into collages
some are way geeky

merkley???: i think you should do them
they dont look youish

me: i dont have photoshop but i will

merkley???: some of the fonts are bad too — i know you didnt choose them

me: i chose the good ones
gotta get dressed more bye merkley leave me comments please i miss you

guess what!

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HI!

i blew my voice out singing karaoke on playstation christmas eve and now i talk like the chick from superbad and i am in tons of pain awesome. what?! no one could beat me so i kept going and going and going then woke up talking like a dude.

did y’all have god christmaseseseses? did you get good shit? crap? monies? returnies?

i got us a new shower curtain and framed fil’s degree.

i am painfully coughing up interesting looking things (not even a smoker!)(but i’ve noticed how not grey and dirty they are) and the stuff coming out of my nose is just, phenomenal.

guys i fucking suck.

i got the robe i wanted and lots of loot, thanks everyone! more later i feel like shit.

oh and you’ll be happy to know i gained back all the weight i lost from being sick fucking fuck.

oh yeah i wrote something once…

Raymi!

This morning I unwrapped my copy of Marketable Depression and went on to read it in about an hour, but I felt it necessary to say that the “i like the crazy girl next door” story was quite possibly one of the greatest things I have read in a very very long time.

So much so that I called my boyfriend and read it out-loud to him.

He agrees.

Merry Christmas!!!

let me tell you about the ketamine guy

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while i wait for my nails to dry and because it’s such a festive story. i only assume it was ketamine, i know that it was something. maybe you can figure it out. maybe it was ecstasy?

the following are pictures of said guy:

when i first noticed him in the middle of our little enclave of people he was extremely into staring at the very essence of his soul in the mirror, in slow motion, INTENSELY, like hi that’s you, that’s me, i am you and you are me you know when you are blasted on whatever and you accidentally look in the mirror then 3 hours later you realize I HAVE BEEN STARING AT MYSELF AND CONTEMPLATING THE UNIVERSE FOR THE PAST THREE HOURS I THINK I FIGURED OUT THE MEANING OF LIFE .

he was COMPLETELY incomprehensible, he told me his name but i forget it now, he was really into SKIN and his bare arms and touching them, stroking them, SHOWCASING THEM ahahahha oh man no i will not touch your arm sorry. he asked us a million times to touch him. yeah i think this is seeming more like E the more i draw back on it and i am fully getting sketched out too, Olé!

yes you have an arm, yes it is veeeeeeeeery long right now and LOOK yes, there it is, right there, hi arm!

HOLY SHIT WHAT A DISCOVERY I DISCOVERED AGAIN: MY ARM

dj behind him was like just get away from this guy, disengage, but then i got really concerned, i asked him if he was alone and he goes I AM ALWAYS ALONE in the slurriest voice ever. oh great you emo poet thanks. then this other dude starts talking to him and looking at me all menacingly and i’m getting nervous cos i keep whispering in his ear i think your friend is on something don’t be offended that i know this (HAHAHAHAHHA)(I was really worried i was being offensive and somehow i was the only one in the world to notice his highness?) and you need to take care of him and i am simultaneously relieved cos now i can pawn him off on this chap sans guilt then the guy says um seriously? i am this close to shoving him (or something like that maybe more violent) i go what so he’s not your friend?? dude says no not at all i thought he was yours and that’s why i was being nice to him i said oh fuck please get him away take care of him do something guy says just ignore him.

steve is a paramedic and he said that the guy could not possibly freeze to death in the span of twelve hours based on friday nite’s temperature so don’t worry if he fell asleep in a snowbank come sun-up someone would find him, even w/o a jacket he’d be fine. thanks steve.

oh right he also kept grabbing my hair and getting his fingers tangled in it and pulling it which is when fil had finally had enough and took his hand out of my hair with his oj simpson gloved hands and steve formed a barricade around my body every time the guy tried to come back. he just couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t allowed to wrap his arms around my hair. aw.

i told you before about fil and his desire to wear his oj simpson gloves inside right? well he mentioned it friday nite too hahahaha he said it’s his thing or something, fil?

on purpose tattoo pose.

matt really hated my tolerance for that fucked up guy, he says i have a problem, based on the previous encounter with the grossman’s guy WHO NATALIE BUMPED INTO YESTERDAY!

hey steph why are you checking your phone?????

intense conversationalist much? jokes guy, jokes.

ok the rest are here if you care or forgot to check last time.

i am now in the feeling nauseous can’t have dairy or will explosively fill my pants stage of my sickness and apparently all my relatives have some form of sickness as well. we bought nice cheese from the cheese boutique, can’t have it. so mad and sad and i cant even drink to tune out the predictable ensuing family tension of fun.

i wish you guises luck as well.

oh and i forget how to curl hair properly, i don’t remember it being that difficult but anyway i want my hair to look like xiaxue‘s so i am watching this now, don’t ask me how to curl basically, watch this she also has extensions i think so if it works for those then this is a pretty good tutorial video:

mary sickmas

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sunday dinner at the Z’s i braved day two of illness cos their house is for sale and i didn’t want to miss a chance to see it again, say/think what you want about me but i am truly a sentimental nostalgic bastard.

i read this on the couch when i went down for a little count, why am i not writing children’s books? i mean i entertain you guys daily and you have the mental capacity of well…

love this charm necklace made up of several charm bracelets looks like it came straight out of a museum.

kaleidoscope fetish, they’re all over the house.

steve made this last week for his mom haha j/k no when he was eight and of course it’s his mother’s pride and joy holy shit that guy is spoiled and can do no wrong i’m shocked they don’t carry him around on a large satin pillow. ps. that angel is crap steve ;)

deep thoughts with steve zissou. his wife will be coming out in january (cheaper flights) yay.

yes i purposely rolled my sleeve to reveal THE TATTOO (it’s still healing so chill) and now i notice people with tattoos and how they purposely pose in pictures now. unnecessary uncomfortable and awkward poses just to show us a shitty tribal tattoo, i will show you my findings sometime never.

blah bla so sick so weak could barely get through this wine.

my favourite in this picture is steve’s dad’s hair or the jug of gin, can’t decide SO CLOSE! mr. z is a fantastic chef ps.

i make the same national lampoon’s christmas vacation joke about this centerpiece every time i visit, this year i kept it to myself.

i placed myself in the center so i could take in the spinning then the combo of eating my first meal aside from saltines AND said spinning almost made me spew, i had to leave the table for a TUMS and slugged the hell out of my gingerale. best dinner guest ever.

amazing risotto (w/ pancetta and corn) and roast steak (?) i had a teeny portion only, sad to say maybe if i sat further from that spinning nativity scene like in the kitchen or something i could have eaten more.

memory lane. it’s so weird (interesting) when your friend’s/bf/everyone you know’s parents went to the same high school at different times as well as their children. total bubble town.

as if i wouldn’t wear that outfit now, and what is midget basketball? the term used for women’s basketball? cos we have smaller brains?

B.A.B.E.

steve’s dad.

lookin’ fine, feelin’ fiiiineuuuuuuuuh thud.

mum worrying about the weather and son’s delayed flight. i said hey don’t even worry, in fact, we might even die on our way to the airport so relax. she loved that so much she put a hex on my tattoo.

laundry time bye bye bye (n’sync voice)

shopping with uncle raymi and aunt fil

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i’m going to need botox on my forehead i know it.

fil is already buzzed on nog and i am sober sallying it at the moment, will have a drink in a few, i’ve basically been sobes all sick long and thinking maybe i should take advantage of this not giving a drinking shit momentum and go all the way with it.

psshhhhhhyeah, that’s what i’m just practicing to tell my therapist after holidays. like “it really worked for awhile there”.

christmas is for FUCKING ASSHOLES

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you ghost of christmas passed-out

hi guise i thought i was on the mend but then i woke up this morning and THE SICKNESS had made its way to my throat, total phlegmland. we had a lot of last minute gift buying to do and i of course started to panic about it, fil was going with or without me so i had to decide either to stay in bed get better and obsess over all the things i wasn’t getting done in the outside world OR go out despite being sick as a dog, spread the influenza to as many stores as possible, and get shit done. so i got shit done with bloodshot eyes and zero energy and you know it kinda worked to my benefit cos i was able to achieve this zen-like state akin only to hot-boxing your brains out or whatever, no crabby bitches got me down today no siree, not possible, what i can barely hear out of my right ear.

ok where was i oh yeah i made little video updates from every stop and my happiness/tolerance level dramatically dips at each one. crabby in the car, not in the store. new rule. except i forgot to tell fil about that one not like he’d listen anyway.

good luck to you all tomorrow you last minute shopping motherfuckers, you will need it. wear layers that you can remove, nothing too heavy, throw a bottle of water in your purse and nuts or one of those hippie bars avoid the mall food court for the sake of your own sanity, that’s what a gossip magazine told me in the car today.

yesterday i stir crazy attacked the kitchen cabinets fuck they were so filthy, once you notice a speck you notice everything, it was no easy task, we clean those things never. fil said he wants to hire a cleaning lady (sexist) and he said this literally a minute after i had the same idea (but would never indulge in such a luxury, i would feel way too guilty and fat and useless) so i then decided why the hell would we pay someone when i can do a shittier job for free? so basically my right bicep is like arnold’s right now. i attacked every door frame, door, drawer any space our fingers touch and then other places wow reading about cleaning is fascinating right?

oh what’s that? anorexic you say? hahaha

if i told you how much i weigh now my mother would faint.

sick is the best exercise i never had. (that’s my quote i just invented it yes i realise how clever it is)

oh and i’m 20 again.

and i have perfect balance for the first time ever (tellin’ ya get yourself a zen cold, today)

during my leave of absence i also discovered the television has a blog.

and this would be smokey eyes, it makes more sense in real life and if your canvas (face) isn’t sickly pale like mine.

to be fair to cid this is an especially unflattering shot of him out of the ten i took. i wanted to capture the essence of his psychotically desperate obsession with fil.

washed and dried my school skirt (dry clean only my ass!) and tried it on to see if it shrunk, didn’t. i think it’s never before been washed. nice.

i had other things to say but i forget them. til later.

oh yes i remember i bought myself a ceramic curling iron so i can have “holiday hair” tomorrow and for christmas, i figure i have this stupid long hair i may as well do something with it for example in early highschool years i both curled and braided it like a christina aguilera nitemare. PUMPED. i should start collectnig little pieces of crap too, tinsel and miniature angels and butterflies. ew.

i also learned from the information magazines that a lot of celebrity babies are extremely ugly and that no matter how famous you are and how much your personal trainer and personal chef keeps you lean, you can’t get them to visit your birthing sac ok dudes even i have no idea what i am trying to say anymore so good nite.

did you know that aunt bethany from national lampoon’s christmas vacation was the voice of betty boop and olive oyl?!