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leslie says it looks like a high end tea shop something in here? thanks.

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check this hot girl, a cross between the pussy cat dolls and the kardashians. how much do you think i was dying in my head over her but completely playing it cool. tha’s right. her name is armig. raymi and armig. she’s from the country so got no city game therefore all up over me plus i was dancing like a total guy who loves concerts and only dances at concerts lives for concerts type. very appealing. we’re gonna be bros. sort of related, james says i should do a seminar for girls with low self esteem and teach people social skills. i should. i bring people up through email why not in real life like tom cruise in magnolia. i’m gregarious as shit. time to monetize.

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when is toronto gonna honour thee! nigh night nigh.

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i wanted to make unicorn eye makeup last night.

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so i did. that feather clip i use to hold my bangs back while i do my makeup mask of orange. sometimes i stain my hair. can you imagine having something so delicate ready and willing to absorb anything it touches. this is why i toil with men always petting it and reaching out to touch. i’m wearing a white permanent angora sweater on my head everyday. think about it fucking idiots. you gloots. gloots? brutes. yeah that. that is what you are.

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major tired looking. coming out of loser fog.

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two lights at once. it’s my orange ball of fire in the sky.

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swapped the ceiling energy saver bulb with my side lamp cos melodie blew the last bulb so i have a fluorescent star wars bright beam emanating in the corner there when it’s turned on and the sun penetrates this room it’s like vitamin d is doing you all over like the easy slore you are. it’s wonderful. this is the time of the year when it lines up perfectly with my windows.

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i felt pretty skinny yesterday.

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brought shawn to good catch up the street or beside mitzis. he was like whaaaat? cn tower cat stand. he bought micheal jackson cards from when mj was black. he ate the gum from the packs (brave!) and it disintegrated into powder in his mouth in front of britt and brad. wicked gross for him.

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nocturnal emissions star wars (two SW references in a post)(intentional) designer duds for duds. if a guy came up to me on a date in one of these i would just roll my eyes and shake my head simultaneously, laugh and say, well, we know you’ve gotten laid maybe 2 times in your life before and one of those times was definitely to yourself while you were sleeping in those star wars sheets. lets do this loser.

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i am turning into a bitter mean toronto person because my life sucks and my heart is destroyed. i am ok i am just a mess. it’s fine. someone said they wanted to hate slice my melon on valentines day, it’s cool, it’s perfectly totally normal to say that to somebody. shit’s fine.

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i definitely was a tall skinny motherf***er last night. i went ronald. ‘cept without the pedophilia. christ he’s a creepy looking mascot brand. they should give him a makeover a la archie comics. i am not into clowns at all. they aren’t funny, there was that clown horror movie that is terrifying, and another one at a carnival. you have no idea what facial imperfections they’re covering up with all that makeup and their outfits are way too loud, so loud, screaming in your face loud. they’re always at parties too like, ruining the atmosphere. no thanks. i lost my red lipstick on the night of the date auction i think so if i wore it last night i would definitely look like ronald. i even matched melodie’s t-shirt to the laces. i need to know for fact that zero people will be matching me when i go out. 10000000% of the time i am right. a girl complimented this shirt and a fitness hottie asked for it. i am already talking to another dude. you know it. you will love this story if it pans out. which it won’t because we all know i am fucking cursed and destined for unhappiness FOREVER for the enjoyment of all my friends from here to eternity.

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anywhooooooo guess who went out and threw caution to the wind to the soundtrack of interpol last night? oh you did now did ya? fuck that your life sucks in a different way than mine so obviously it wasn’t you. when shit goes sour to cope i like to distract, delude, deny, rinse and repeat. thanks erik for the band-aid. i love sound academy. at first i was lying to just you know, in business, one hand washes the other but now i love that place. i know the show is going to be perfect, the act, huge, and the places i get to watch it all go down, photo pit, side/backstage, biz mezzanine, vip, whatever. drink tickets from my hand to armpit? oh please run along now chile. lucas was like thanks for the invite re: last night. um, britt and brad asked me a month ago. i told you the onus is on you to tell the golden goose what you want to see and when and i make it happen this wasn’t a grand i am excluding you scheme. i have just decided to look on the site and pick out shit i want to see and do that from now on. yep. queens of the stone(r)age whats up son.

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i’ve seen these guys before. well i think i have. i can’t really remember anymore we used to go to so many and this is 20000 drinks ago. i’ll google my archives afterward to scare up some information on that. this blog is like my personal life library. shawn asked me if i went to the cne this summer. mind blanked. um, let me get back to you on that one i’m not sure if i did or not.

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they are tight and perfectionist new yorkers and dark and moody gloomy creepy rock hard heavy. exactly like their recordings that i have memorized because i listen to the same discography of music from the last decade of my life repetitiously. i knew exactly when and where the bass would go this way or a tune would get heavier, so my dance moves were perfectly timed no matter how sloppy frenetic i moved, i have rhythm, in spades. don’t i now?

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i like going out here. britt and brad were in awe. the water was frozen and all broken up it felt like being in alaska or on the titanic so cool where are the glaciers at. oh just floating out over there.

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didn’t leave vip once this time. the side back stage wasn’t open nor the biz exec mezzanine i guess interpol is too famous for groupies well all the people in the scene who get vip access/treatment if that was open to all it would get rammed and if one gets to go then all want to go. just too many people i think. these are the things i consider and figure out all on my own. i also know from experience that fighting the crowd to get down to the bar is annoying i didn’t want to be touched. you immediately once down there want to go right back up to vip where you can spin around like a pinwheel if you want and not be arm-to-arm with fanatics.

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favourite part of the night. people looked up at me, being herded like cattle, so many, so much claustrophobia and crowd volume. there is no way to look down on people and make it look like you aren’t actually looking, down on them. suffice it to say some not too happy looks were returned my way.

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how much were tickets last night?

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i really enjoyed this. not their suffering just my own leisurely drink ticketed pace of waiting for them all to clear out before peacing.

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christmas tree of beer waste. how many two fours is that on the deposits you think?

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quite the production.

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time for salads. i am going to spend way more time in that diner. passport reminder. how interpol looking is this photo? i am in sync wither my every surrounding.

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pbj is hilarious to see on a menu because people make that shit when they’s po’ not go out to a high fallutin’ restaurant to eat an overpriced version. has anyone had it? how do they make it?

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shawn’s photo. shawn bought me at the date auction btw. this isn’t the date. just a bonus as proof of my pedigree, a good stallion thoroughbred. neigh. nee? who cares i probably should stop comparing myself to horses. maybe a unicorn.

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right.

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wait not yet.

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ready.

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match-tastic. that nailpolish (thanks shawny!) is ecofriendly at good catch the guy showed us how regular polish disintegrates styrofoam plates and this hippie stuff doesn’t at all. i should have asked why good catch has styrofoam plates though. haha. i made a “these people” comment and he asked me what i meant about that when i said something about parkdale, the community to shawn. he thought we were american. nope not american just hugely offensive to every person, place, and thing. no kidding. what the hell were we talking about though? and yes i look tired here it’s one in the morning.

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pie-eyed much. shawn got tailed by cops after he dropped me off because we were idled for a bit and my street is hooker drug central. i keep it really real, you know? anyway the po po totally thought i was a prosti. definitely. yo guys hookers go on dates too. i’m sure shawn’s little red black top convertible sports car didn’t at all help matters either hahahhaa. that musta been some nerve-wrackin’ass ride for a lil bit there eh shawn?

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look at this girl with her cousin and his friend. she’s like where are the hot guys raymi bring me to them and i’m like go down there. we were both too lazy. k i’ma soop her facebook now BYE.

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checking out pictures from friday has just tipped my stoner fog back into the boozy whirlwind tornado what was this night. i am actually overjoyed, well, happy to be granted a ticket back in time to it it’s way better than my current reality ha jokes i should just start emo tweeting again. i remember this night but the pictures make it seem all more surreal, especially cos lucas took them (thanks buddy). i was free for a night (from being house photog) but i still came out with badges of glorious memorable honour. here’s why i never made it to dodgeball. i know i would have been a killer on the court considering how i am a champion mental case at the motion room and all and turning into an olympiad. i am pissed at myself for missing it but oh well, there’s always next year.

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first it took a mighty attempt to get me out of my room.

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then i touched down on jupiter.

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36 people human birthday cake for will munro. we have our candles still. amazing.

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fuuuuuuuuuuck you belly shirt see. i gave no cares. i was goin’ lez. i look terrible here but it is a vast improvement from what i looked like when stew arrived.

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i wrote love is the meaning of life on the naked body of a dragstar. i changed my mind. love is not the meaning of life. it is the pursuit of life. the meaning of life is to be miserable in the pursuit of love. i am going to start focusing on myself more, and be my own champion and idol. every time i trip up on love it fucks up everything and gets in the way of my game. from now on i am pursuing NOBODY. they have to come and get me and they had better be 10’s. that’s my plan that’s that.

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what’s this i dunno backstairs patio. where was i? dancing i think.

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gay music is amazing it’s so primal, it’s got to be. it’s brave to be gay it takes courage so you need mate anthems, jungle adrenaline. there are so many songs i heard i wish i could hear again. no idea how to track them down or to even describe what it is i think i heard.

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we consumed three of the peniseclairs. we were animals. all in the exact same kinda bender state. i love my friends for this. i mean. we were a village on the run. together.

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i must have slammed into many people.

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visually and physically.

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calm before the karaoke storm.

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robin black was there (you can see his name). he sang. i went alone to karaoke here one night and then received a mean comment about it on my blog the next day, i don’t think anyone is going to leave robin black a mean internet comment for going out on a karaoke date that treatment is purely reserved for yours truly. the feeling of being watched by creepy mean people is a sick feeling up your spine. i also wasn’t totally alone i was talking to mary. i sang and left to meet the kids at mezzrow’s, it was after a date that sucked and i was drunk. you may have seen me, but are the sight unseen. burn on you.

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jesus how flinstones is this? my prehistoric bun hair and melodie’s cavewoman print. i’ve never typed this word before EVER nor here but i’m gonna say it now because it’s entirely applicable: AMAZEBALLS.

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next singer raymi!

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an applicable track choice.

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imagine me singing crying and then i start crying. AGHAHAHa awww haha sigh.

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went back to the beav our sloppy parade kept-a-going.

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my message was still there.

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dancing in the light. the blue t-shirt is the guy who followed us from the gladstone.

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very hip night. full of love and light and rejoicing, well wishing in the winter, in a foggy gay dance catacomb it really lifted me up. putting lots of things into perspective.

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me and the dude. see how i kind of have a type? it’s like, stupid wasted jock up to no good. send ‘em on over! actually it was his singing how he pulled it together and danced.

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love that bartender and you can see sandy, another great bartender.

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definitely one of those TIMES OF YOUR LIFE snapshots.

by the way the soundtrack to this post is:

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yep def-skies, times o your life.

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i turn into a vampire werewolf creature in the dark pupils at 100%.

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did you even see me at all.

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babushka sweet onion head. who wouldn’t follow that shit around. stew said a cougar at the gladstoner was eyeing me up all over and over. i saw it too so i played into it a bit dancing like a shit show with melodie. give the people what they want. people pleaser, pleasure seeker.

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adventurehouse bought the most baked goods.

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love it. he had a german accent at the end of the night i overheard them all bickering about where they were going, but it wasn’t bickering it was just his tone. i love this about germans they could scare paint off walls with their accents.

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stew was a cute kiebler elf. he made fun of me a lot so i ripped on him too. he was wearing my super tight jacket out i wonder if he’s worn it since he looked really slim and cute in it. the one he arrived in was way too aspen extreme for the beaver.

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then we traveled to a neat neighbourhood i obnoxiously referred to as an industrial wasteland (the best lofts and spaces are there, dig?) to these great digs.

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i look like a ten year old showing up early for your pop and chip party wow what a loser how did i even get invited? get out of here sarah!

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she harvests her own ice. these drinks man i couldn’t even begin to tell you. crazy syrups pure scientific concoctions, sandy, genius. her partner that guy mike, him too. amazing things coming out of these two very soon will be hitting toronto. go see her at the gladstone though, girl’s famous. was on the cover of NOW.

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one after party member immediately hit the couch and once i was done spooning her passed out. snoring.

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we killed it at cat’s cradle.

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it got stressful.

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mel sorry to publicly out you but you blew it for us. we had it going ten rotations over. oh well. needed to end anyway i was getting bored.

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he has a full side body bear tattoo. it is so fucking hot i almost tore him apart but there were witnesses so i didn’t. he has my card.

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guess who is the strongest in the room and beat everyone at a game they have never tried before ever? yep. me. come and get it. i even beat lucas.

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thanks james!

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heartache is a motivating factor.

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scissor sisters lol.

ok here’s last night. i can’t even begin to tell you how much yesterday sucked all around.

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i won twister last night. awkward twister. christine took these. i was asked not to blog any of it cos people were embarrassed to be going to a singles mixer.

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winning. i told everyone in the room how much my day sucked more than theirs and everyone bought me a drink for it. amazing. see by my arms how i am wasting away.

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raymi and the dimples.

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lee dropped this off for me last night at the party. she intrigues me. people who are nice to me and don’t want anything in return, what’s going on there. when older babes want to take you under their wing. she continues to drive this raymi as courtney love point home and i really hate it. she’s not the only one. i am not courtney love i am lauren white. she may be the original trainwreck and we may have the same hair and uh, oh forget it. i’d rather be kurt instead. i am battling my way out of the 27 club jinx.

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red flag and i went together, not as dates just as bait. he was purposely socially awkward and retarded to everyone he spoke to it was highly amusing. kristin and i hit it off immediately and high-jacked the jukebox with all our songs. i forced myself to eat (there was nothing but horrible delicious feelings eating grease). felt nauseous the entire time and then that peppermint gas pill started to expel its way out of me via esophagus and it made me feel even pukier. bad idea.

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i drank through it. this was the worst valentines day of my life. this party helped. the day itself, bullshit. party, not bad. hidden in the backroom of the fox n fiddle where NO ONE we know in the city will find us was also great as it was the scene of my many past karaoke crimes and hole my ex and i used to drink in once in awhile out of sheer laziness as we lived on st. george.

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jalapeno meat tacos i made.

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i threw my bread on his nametag. felt right. we spent last v day together and it was kind of hilarious too, not allowed to post pictures. don’t worry it is not at all what you think though if you look in my archives i’m sure there’s mentions.

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kristin and i beat our pool opponents. i have no idea how because i was totally in a cosmic state at this juncture. i came down with a weird flu bug of stress pain, nausea i do not know but i was not feeling right or well. see how vodka can be a dangerous medicine. i would have stayed in but it was valentines day and i don’t think i could bump into anybody to have sex with in my room that way.

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we didn’t want to show up to the party sober so we met at the hole what is the james joyce. red flag was like, old people crowd. i said, perfect. of all the places in my old neighbourhood i’d say the james joyce is my most despised and one we least haunted. it always smelled like windex and made me feel sick. so going there feeling sick, great idea. i didn’t want to bump into a soul i knew last night so sorry for that awkward meet and dash greeting when we initially arrived at the fox, nothing personal.

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these were the worst best fries ever and exactly what i needed. we all know i don’t eat this shit. only when i feel like shit. i’m in the manic part of a depression right now so i don’t think it will affect me.

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never noticed this light before. do whatever you can to fix this shit hole right. it’s for university kids and sad bastard drunks. a man talked to me immediately when i went over to the bar to order a drink and i said DON’T TALK TO ME hahahahha. red flag was like this place is great, i didn’t order a drink cos she was eating but i ordered your fries. so i went over with attitude and looked at her like she was a fucking idiot (she totally was) meanwhile she’s holding court to loser skid row of pathetic scroungy drunk derelicts. i hate bad servers. when someone walks into a bar it is your duty (LAW!) to put a drink in their hand so they don’t leave.

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i’ll end this on a light note and just say nothing.

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someone said i looked 20 this night when i said i was almost 28. i died. it was a great moment.

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i prowled. only just a little bit though. was prowled. was purchased. danced like a music video.

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swack.

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lil miss sunshine. was very proud of her up on stage owning it in that dress. not that dress, the other dress.

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this dress. cutesy and once again um i am scream laugh yelling. what a delicate strawberry i am eh.

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mr. cute suspenders. i wanted to go as an understated dickhead so i could blend into the background just in case things got too hot and i couldn’t stand the heat. they did and i could. here here.

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hehehh. fun night.

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mr. hawaii bought me. it’s going to be a hilarious date i can tell already. guy talks mad shit. my favourite.

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my arms are lookin’ good.

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that purse popped open all night i cannot overstuff that thing. lucky i didn’t lose anything.

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he did a strip tease on stage. all the hot dudes did slutty stunts. sluttier than the girls.

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affan le pimp. his dance moves made me laugh so hard i have no idea how you can dance in a back arch formation all the way down to the floor while holding a full pint in the middle of a black out and go up and down like king shit but he did it and it temporarily ruined my own dance moves because it was one. awesome and two. hilarious. affan i am gonna put you in the category of liked.

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um i have no eyelashes i am the girl on america’s next top model who gets her eyebrows done and then it’s like where is your face? i wonder if this picture is before or after he cozied up to me like a pepe le pew and tried to jam his tongue up in to my mouth. how funny was that shawn?

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the lead up, the build up. will they, won’t they?

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this was super late. we were on a tear. there needs to be a toronto sosho-media bachelor/ette brats reality show. we all give’r together, some people may or may not motorboat behind the scenes just for fun.

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happy valentine’s day go fuck yourrself brah. no seriously. pick up a massager tax free before february’s over with my RAYMI15 DICKSCOUNT at Good For Her. purrr bzz bzz buzz. vive le brock.

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what can i say? i learn from the best. ewww check the scary yolk one on the right. gnarly! righteous!

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components. when we go to the family day gathering tour of Shasha‘s factory like somethin’ out of willy wonka and the chocolate factory, except, adventurehouse on the loose at a bread factory eating fresh bread right out of the oven YOU CAN JOIN US PLEASE DO! melodie is stoked, she’s a naturopath so this bio buds healthy sciencey stuff, (oh right she’s becoming a scientist or something too) my colleague tells me there is nothing like fresh baked goods and our take will be loads of loaves of bread and ginger snaps but most importantly, spelt bread. melodie is gaga for it. i am now too since having easy’s rotisserie chicken on spelt twice over. the point of all that crap is this meal in these wonderful photos will get better once i get my hands on nicer bread.

Family Day 2011 OPEN HOUSE something great to do with your kids cos they’re gonna be home from school anyway HOW GREAT FOR YOU FANTASTIC HAHAHA BURN.

Monday, February 21st, 2011
10 am – 1 pm

To register, email info@shashabread.com
Subject title: Family Day registration

i also assure you that shasha, the guy himself, is a trip. he may as well be as eccentric as willy wonka. i wonder if he owns those movies.

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adorable. these are delicious too. can you imagine eating only shasha stuff for 2 weeks? we were considering raymi doing that but i think i would die of boredom. plus, hello carbs.

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i am sneaking in scotch bonnet when we go and that ali’s roti sauce that could kill a canary instantly. i think the scotch bonnet will suffice on second thought.

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and i am tucker maxing all over the place with that bullhorn. read that story i linked to.

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so i’ll do a high end version of this and guess what? i am seriously going to start cooking again. do you know how much i have gleaned from my cuisinery barfly touring of toronto? remind me to make a list of every resto i’ve been to. i made a list of every burnoutington restaurant i dined and feasted at all the while being a twig stoner hoovering my way through restaurant chain after greasy fast food joint, you name it. i even broke my stringent three year mcdonald’s ban.

ooh in this one i’m having pasta after a year of no pasta, at bar mercurio. love that place. i discovered it. me. taking it back.

and there i am again. eating. again.

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the butter i was just trying to melt for our toast. next time will be spelt toast. my dad loved these stoner mountains. they taste pretty much exactly like how they look. gloriously awful and bland but amazing and retarded. ketchup for dipping sauce too. epic trash. i halted on the squeeze tube pesto (haha) didn’t want to fuck with the fantastically mellow method of this shit pile.

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have you guessed the ingredients yet? 4 eggs. half a rotisserie chicken from mary lou’s that i tore apart like a beast it was a great moment. i ate some of the skin but included every fatty gross part of the chicken i could and skin cos i wanted the fat to flavour this concoction.

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my stoner mountain. dad’s was way bigger, and i let him have the leftovers. normally i am a greedier but i had no appetite yesterday at all. post funeral insanity kept myself lubed on oyster bay and steady ganj intake. i battled an anxiety attack all morning long. oh right i forgot the rest of the ingredients, mary lou’s taters. they’re seasoned but you really can’t taste a thing. i added pepper and salt and a bit of garlic salt. still pretty bland. the cheese helped but i wasn’t feeling flavour. i think i’m sick. well i have the sad sick, no appetite, i feel hollow and gaunt. it took me over an hour to spoon force feed myself apple sauce and my coffee craving has been minimized. still drinking it though cos it’s the only thing i can manage. bit of grapefruit perrier.

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my workout lifted my spirits but i was a pathetic catastrophy waiting to happen so james moved me to cardio. i collapsed during push-ups, so weak. i ran on the treadmill at 7 clicks listening to this

once it gets to the heavy part i turn into the bad cop in terminator 2 chasing the car. sometimes i run so fucking fast i think i am a genuine athlete. the faster you run you can almost outrun your problems and the adrenaline hike is just like raaaaaaaaaawr you can bury your insanity in it pounding out a never ending flee. music is very helpful in working out and putting out the world. i also ran just as hard to she walks on me, hole. of course i did. assholes.

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at the pub.

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sadness and nerves look like this.

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my cousin and i. he is a writer like me. kerouac side. why do we have the same fat puffy face ugh drinking goes to our faces in this family.

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i liked this and kismet happenings when you’re in a certain headspace or way. i would absolutely LOVE to exist on a floating orchard. read half of this. basically a woman is in love with her house that her grandpa made. then i actually looked at her, she’s got crazy black hair and some grey in it and a rumply cute apple boomer generation face. actually, not too different from my own in this photo:

i love little babushkas. i am getting married as soon and as fast as i fucking can so i can fulfill my lifelong wearing an apron forever fantasy. rick asked me a million times if i was sure i wasn’t italian, his nickname now is the croat. haahaha. anyway where was i? oh who cares i think a spinster from the annex made that book and i find that hilarious and i don’t know why.

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yikes guy. sad outfit. tired face. gwyneth paltrow and i wore black one pieces on the same day.

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and also on that same day we were margot tennenbaum, both went to a funeral. man, when she got up on that piano in those amazing heels at the grammys i was so scared nervous for her. i loved the grammys by the way. it was the perfect thing to experience and watch. so many perfectionist performances i was spellbound.

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my workout tools. said sad bastard little hospital foodie (LOLZ!) apple sauce cup. gahahahahahahamhaj hi i’m a foodie. hospital foodie to be exact.

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sick sad skinny. james said the word sick even and i almost barfed. toxic weekend.

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yeah yeah blah blah ok see you later.

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this month has been pretty trying so without further ado, here is how i handled my february hand of cards last night. i went out to meet a dude at cadillac lounge. i had a hamburger. i haven’t eaten a hamburger since i worked at the central so this might be an indication of how i was feeling at the time. i arrived late by cab even though it’s just down the street. i was a disaster but i looked very pretty, glowing. i do full glam makeup when i feel hung to dazzle camouflage the trash i am feeling. yesterday i felt super white trash and i didn’t want to hear or discuss one single above G-level rating thing. period. no man stress, no drug stress or booze or anything, no fighting no yelling everyone please go away. i bawled my eyes out when i got home in time to decide there was no chance in hell i was making it to the dodgeball tournament.

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i am even skinnier than this right now. stress sad skinny. i’d post the photo i took of myself last night before i went out but i think people are still too conservative and hush hush about how i post nudes like we dance around it and i dunno, i guess it makes me look insane. i showed one of these pictures to army guy who i met last night (i met him at wolf parade too once prior to this, he doesn’t live in the city so, nothing’s really gone anywhere and i have pissed him off a lot by my paltry jagged methods of flirt correspondence) and in one of my nude photos i’m grinning, teeth showing. i said i looked insane in this one and he said yeah there is something insane about a smiling naked person. he’s really funny and smart, great personality. is totally into messes. he’s been on cnn. house away from the city (appealing) blah blah blah.

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the balance of personal life stress to work stress should always be tipped in the favour of work stress. one should always always be stressed out more so by work and consumed by that rather than personal life. when work is your escape from the personal, shit is not good in the hood. i’m feeling this way lately and noticing too many people around me are too. toxic. not good times. i’m pretty much going on a late february escape hiatus once family day is over. i am expediting my passport this week. running away is one of my favourite self-indulgences.

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when i showed up to the cadillac i cutely jokingly said i don’t want to pay! when i came in looking at the cash tray on the table and the admittance fee sign whatever dumb thing it bore. two rockabilly guys standing there, one on the left says OF COURSE YOU DON’T HAVE TO PAY, LOOK AT YOU! meanwhile rockabilly asshole on the left goes PAY EVERYBODY PAYS.

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i was kidding because i had already used my debit card in the cab (guys, here is one of my secret shames. i use my debit card like it’s a bottomless cab fare well. i am lazy and gross and disgusting with money. i see this as bad as a shoe shopping addiction) and i didn’t want to take out any money AND i was on a semi-date-hang well, i was expecting army guy to pay for my hangover beer and hamburger. he ended up not doing that, he is not someone to use, i can tell. i was being tested to see if i was a gold digger bitch. my bill was 18, i paid/tipped 23, the 2 of which came from army guy (why am i adding these details???) and i had a grasshopper. the burg was delicious. army guy had just had kraft burger. i was jealous.

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so i told him absolutely everything of why i was a mess. i had nothing to lose and i had already gotten what i wanted out of him anyway, his company. maybe that is why i go on so many dates. actually, that is precisely why i go on so many dates. i cannot be alone. you try being alone with myself for 48 hours. 48 hours of non-stop raymi. gaaaaaaaah nightmare. i go through humans like crazy as soundboards because i am a giver, once i’m all empty i have to consume a new person to fill the void again. i am a pleasure seeker and people pleaser. it was convenient that army guy is attracted to hot messes. before i put the word out to head out i had made tentative arrangements to meet one of the pbc up by bloor/keele (why? so far!) at a pub. if things went well with army guy then i would have followed him around a bit more but he was staying at his friend’s condo and i don’t think they’d appreciate us spooning in the middle of the livingroom on the floor. hey what’s going on here? shut up and get out otherwise you are going to be the little spoon.

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so army drove me to pbc. he said i was very demanding. we got almost there and then pbc says he’s meeting another pbc member at the dakota. so we turn the fuck around as i texted back omg fuck you i was right around the corner. as we are going to the dakota another text, oh you are? come! we’re upstairs. so now i know i am totally pushing my luck with army guy but its kinda obvs we wanna car hang so he doesn’t mind turning back AGAIN to the pub and unbeknownst to him the pbc member had also said come here first so i can impress my soccer team with how hot you are. challenge accepted. i said super pissed, on way back, ride just turned around 3 times stay there tell team.

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army and i make out in the car. it was great. he’s a good kisser, i of course, am immaculate. he also tried to mindfuck me into thinking he didn’t kiss on the first date and that all chicks from pof are just sluts or fat so now of course i have to pretend to be a prude. i went in for an awkward attack with my mouth open and then i just hung there embarrassed because i didn’t want to kiss someone with their mouth closed like it was kindergarden. i wanted to die. then we made out. two guys on the sidewalk double-taked me as i passed. my pants were very low and i was very sad skinny and my back dimples were showing. leather jacket and casie’s too small for me black sweater she left here one night. when i show my belly it’s a subtle fuck you to everyone. people have varying degrees of reaction to it that i pretend to not notice. when i wore my pink turtle neck to the beaver and afterward at sandy’s i let it hike so incredibly high it’s practically a tummy shirt what are they called again? belly shirts. these nights when i go out as a wastecase adorable loser sloppy mess with a belly shirt on it’s like i am a magic snowflake of shamelessness and it attracts a lot of tail. a lot. but inside i am dying, i really am. it’s like i can’t control this monster, but i can, and choose not to. not only that, i “turn”. i’m not a bad drunk or anything, i do get lippy. last nite rick said in toronto, no one would shove you like that (pbc got shoved at the dakota by the door guy. this is getting too long already so i’ll have to tell that story later) in scotland or something they’d not do it cos they know they’d get a fucking punch and it’s true. i really do believe that in some certain situations, violence is the answer. i declared at the front of the line that i wasn’t violent. but i could change.

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this is an unflattering angle but i assure you last night was a skinny night and today i feel positively skeletal. it will not last though. right so, i climb the stairs neurotically, i’m still totally mangled and that one grasshopper didn’t do the trick, i ran out of weed so it’s all complete edge, none taken off and every guy i pass returns my gaze. rick who i met last nite said i look everyone in the eye. i do. so i don’t want this much attention right now at all. i am pub drinking boy’s kryptonite. i was extremely hesitant to go out at all because i know pbc’s fondness of me and it always ends the same and even though i’m needy and selfish and craving man attention i morally believe it’s wrong to take advantage of someone who you know wants you but he’s your friend and you like hanging. there is no solution to this.

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i enter the back room. i like this pub it’s cozy as hell. it is perfect. i wonder if all pubs are cozy cos all british/irish/scottish etc people are always hungvoer and therefore always crave a fire and a pie and a pint hahaha firepie. ok so naturaly this table of hot soccer players look up at me as i enter and see me before pbc does, his back is to the threshold. immediately everyone is like, uh oh. the room gets a little more tense. i take the head of the table seat so i can stare at all of them. pbc is spellbound by me, he’s already tipsy which is bad because i get way cuter that way and then i do this thing where i turn the dimples on because i am enjoying being buttered up so fucking much it’s intoxicating it really is i don’t even need to order drinks all that flattery is enough for me. it’s mean and i shouldn’t do it but i do it anyway. for some reason, pbc is in perma-friend placement meaning, we do not get drunk and make out and it is infuriating him which pisses me off and then we fight and bicker. he is also seeing someone he finally informs me so what the fucking shit is that? i am sick of man shit stress liars players all of you fucking assholes look at what you are doing to me. look at what you do to women. not all of you but just the ones i’m attracted to.

exhale. ok i have to go plan a funeral outfit now. things just keep looking up. i think i’ll wear my black jumper i wore the night of the date auction. irony?

tomorrow is valentines day. when someone dates the city and every night is already valentines day for you pretty much you’d think the pressure would be on ten times more so. not to mention i got engaged on valentines day. the real reason it’s so cut throat is because women have to one-up each other all the fucking time. sad really. i think i one-upped everyone enough already and i don’t think getting the cutest richest man will make people like me anymore like how one chick clearly invented a date for herself at the auction to rub our noses in it when clearly the kid with wavy fluffy hair wanted to be miles away from this event. she trotted this boy in front of us, like we cared and the stank of desperation was palpable. we do not like each other at all, she went on a secret movie date with a guy i was semi-seeing on and off, she is a cunt who freaks out on other girls a lot then blogs about how no girls like her. she can’t get along with them because she does something to piss them off then like blacks out on why there’s beef. retarded. anyway i actually wanted to talk to her at the love a heart thing and maybe extend an olive branch, at the very least suss her out but no, she made zero seconds of chit chat with me before eagerly forcing an introduction of her date on me. hi, i am at a date auction event where i am to be auctioned off. because i am singlish. where you weren’t asked to but you came to be smug or something? i bet you would have been sold for a lot of money too. i cannot wait to hear how your valentine’s day turns out.

what am i doing? probably something i really really shouldn’t be.

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dominoe’s box is funneh. my dad and aunt had it the night before. what did i have? nothing for once. i had eaten at cafe taste.

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i love sitting here. i sit in the same spots in every restaurant i habit. i like this perch. perch of judgment.

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the space is all different now at brennen. it’s a total pirate ship. i love it.

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shawna is a hot little artist.

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severe prior to eyebrow tinting. stew came in my room last nite and said i looked really scary. i had my base on only so zero eyebrows or lips total shock of white. albino. plus my hair. i was a disaster yesterday. somethin’s in them february waters you know? we had drinks at sandy’s, bartender of the year. she got us destroyed. stew casually says oh that’s right the last time i hung here i didn’t wake up til 10pm the next day. oh thanks stew. i sang roy rorbison’s crying at the gladstone. we were on a tear. we started at the beaver. i wasn’t going to do anything because i was a legit mess but stew brought three tallys of stiegl and me him mel luc share them in my room i get an outfit together and we go to celebrate will munroe’s birthday. everybody in the back room held a candle, 36 of them. i have mine still. we were a real life birthday cake. my phone was dead. i stopped existing and i lost contact with you know who. he mind fucked me. i hate everything now. my camera batteries, dead too. it is amazing how much one’s addiction to their gadgets affects and alters their moods. also because i am a compulsive documenter not having my tools with me made me feel useless. i really wanted to photograph sandy’s place and her stuff. i guess it’s more special that way. i always like to have evidence, a memento. i am terribly sentimental. i have a photograph of every single person who has been in my room ever. sitting on my bed. clothed or not.

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loner soldier boy hero idol. worship. brennen is fantastic.

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stew was great last night though. he said i cannot leave you here tethered to your laptop because that was my intention. severely neurotic like a caged unblinking lemur. i flirted with a fuck ton of chicks last night to remedy everything. brought back a wholesome gay bait jock guy to the beaver from gladstone to also remedy my ego. but he was extremely wasted and therefore totally, ugh. then he says he was at a strip bar all night long. he’s a scoundrel like us. i picked him because he sang suzie q. luc said he sucked. yeah he sucked as a person but he sang the fuck out of that tune. i loved it. he danced too. in my head i was thinking all these objectifying things. told him we were going to the beav to get last call. like all drunk beasts, he followed the golden blond brick road. apparently a guy goosed him he wouldn’t shut up about it i said look get over it and go with it. look at you. i brought dustin there once and oh my god the gay bros were dying. it’s kinda mean to do that i think you can look but this guy likes pussy only you know? i think any dude could easily just be pushed into a scenario where who cares you know? that guy left, i gave him my card. i honestly am a nihilist right now so i don’t care if he ever finds me again. i just know that come monday i’ll have it together. the show must go on. funeral viewing tomorrow. also fantastic right?

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when i feel this low the only thing that i can control to make myself feel better is making other people feel better. so i was the key to the beaver party for that guy who would never ever go in there. i said this is a gay bar, after he got his dick squeezed. then i said, so? i love being catty. we shared a beer which he was amazingly grateful because his 24 hour stripper debauchery bender had obliterated whatever little brains he had to get himself into a situation like that to begin with. how do i keep attracting these loser fucks? i he was going to tail us to sandy’s but he gave up, i was relieved. i don’t have the energy to follow unworthwhile pursuits i don’t even want. typically i’m a go with the flow girl.

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no comment on my appearance. i belong in maddam toussad’s.

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time to bath it out.

oh what’s this, a new little muse.

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Hash would love to join the Raymi Army

Well My names Adam ive been a reader of your blog for a while enjoy it alot. Here’s a pic from my fav New York Crack Den the Carlton Arms. Hope i qualify for the Raymi Army.

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you can’t even see what my outfit looks like cos of all my layers. i am a present to be opened. i was in a rush to get out the door i didn’t get a proper outfit showcase series of self portraits because i thought i was needed for 8 and going to be late. wrong it started at eight but the bachelor/ettes weren’t going on til 10/11. yeah thanks for the heads up about that part nerds. also thanks for making me pay 5 dollars “for charity” i am a draw that was kind of stupid but funny so i paid it like the owner of a nightclub getting denied entrance. then my cab was a dick to me cos i made him wait a few minutes outside he tried to lecture me about not calling until i was ready (um i was trying to save time) and i was like honestly brah i do not need this stress from you right now i exclusively use beck all the time do not talk to me like this if this is a problem i can get out of this cab right now. he apologized. yeah it’s rude to make em wait but the customer is always right and turn down your squaky taxi cab news box it is irritating.

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melodie was a sexy raccoon yesterday cos of her eye makeup and striped sweater. that was my ex’s sweater that shrunk to be too small for him.

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i love fressen. it’s vegan. stayed despite that. ha ha.

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my new purse reminds me of sass so much. i miss that girl. she is one of my role models eve though she is younger than me.

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i forget what this is and what are those things? HI I AM A SKILLED FOODIE.

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see look at me. this is when haitham became competitive and wanted to win me. i said to the crowd that i would go home with whoever bought me, like straight up fucking leave this party right now so when haitham lost he was like ok bye and left right away i’m like dude i didn’t actually mean i was going to go home right at that exact moment, jesus and just cos i leave with you doesn’t mean we’re going to do anything. though we left with my purchaser and stayed up til 5 in the morning.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5436216929/in/photostream/

vegan chocolate something or other. i charmed the fuck out of those girls. hi girls! i’m like how the hell do you make vegan chocolate and what do you think about those vegan idiot parents whose baby died of malnutrition? haitham was impressed by every single thing i said and i felt bad because my charm was being dangled like a wad of bills on a string just out of reach but oh so close.

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just a good night kiss. by this point we were completely totally gacked no one was fucking anything.

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like so.

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me and my fresh kill (SO JOKING). girls girls girls, ladies, my students. if you need to bribe people and bully them into dating you it’s kind of um, something.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5436828852/in/photostream/

this was so highschool it really was. it was for charity yet it was more for who can be most expensive, it was super competitive and reminded me of streetsville the blond cliquey jocks. that guy, when i started dancing near him he was hypnotized and i totally would have medusa’d him some more if he wasn’t so obliterated that he could no longer breathe with his mouth shut. i think his mouth is open in this picture too. the girl in the red dress got it up to 450 i think, and she got those two blond groupies she was bossing around up on stage too under the guise of a threesome but i was paying close attention, there will be no threesome, they were just the cheering section. like in highschool. see i told you. i am just bitter i went for less.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5436217485/in/photostream/

here i am sandwashing affan because he tried to slip me the tongue. it was smooth and hilarious. he is 19, maybe 95lbs and lives in mississauga. probably with his parents still and yet here he is all up on me. hawaii was like he shoulda just left after frenching casie that would have been the best thing but then he got greedy and tried to take me too. i think i am at the point in my career when little children think i am really really cool, i am like, an idol now.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5437259628/in/photostream/

my slasher pants i am embarrassed by. what were you thinking mom? courtney is still uncomfortable. arms crossed. tsk tsk.

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backlit 1970s precious moments hairdo. bet you didn’t see that coming. what’s next? WHO KNOWS! lets spin the bottle and peer into the crystal ball.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5437260568/in/photostream/

what kind of stance is that? a good one. this person is confident and ready to take on challenges.

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see how my little doll is trying to copy melodie and i. still. i am used to people jacking my style all the time so whatever. when you hear people say whatevs don’t you kind of want to punch them?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5436651137/in/photostream/

hand porn. nsfw. just kidding.

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would you like me if i had three fingers?

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i can’t wait to get my minx nails did. we’re collaborating. i am stoked. they might design a raymi decal.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5436652999/in/photostream/

guess who has beautiful hands?

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adventurebathroom. our next advhaus party is march 4. if you miss it you are dead to us.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5437263464/in/photostream/

we have a fan that will not ever go off when you’re in there it drives me crazy but also the hum of white noise is good for thinking i come up with great ideas in here but then i don’t remember any of them.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5437263752/in/photostream/

my arms are getting fit. that’s my ear piercing cleaner solution. how long do i have to do that for?

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i decided to get some real life to-dos done.

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i got resourceful with my golden christmas flower decorations. next i will make a tiara painting and douse it in silver sparkles. it will be fabulous and fagulous.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5436654301/in/photostream/

my favourite gilded leaf is now bare and plastic i have to throw it out. there are sparkles all over the floor.

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and my pants. i wonder if they’re toxic or maybe it’s just me. dollarama toxicity. it’s so much sparklier in real life i love it i am staring at it right now. maybe i’ll add more sparkles?

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someone said i need a boob job in my comments. why? like you are ever gonna fuckin touch them guy. another person asked why i’m not 118 pounds anymore. why can’t people ask me more interesting questions? we stayed up til five in the morning and i am a disaster right now but i still made it to my gym and snapped off a good session and i wore so much makeup last night when i awoke this morning i looked like a game show pageant hostess total party statue. i looked amazing is what i am telling you. felt like hell though and james was like wow raymi you look great i’m like what really i can barely make my eyes function right now. look at the sleeping brock. i brock blocked him like crazy only because i am competitive. casie was like go fuck anybody you want tonight baby and in my head i was like yeah fuck’n right i’ma check bitches all over the place whoever bought him can have him another time i am pissing all over this just for the hell of it. he’s twenty. maybe even younger. this is a trophy snapshot of one of my kills. haha kidding i left him there and shawn drove me home. shawn bought me last night. i think my friend scared off other bidders no one wanted to bid war him he was overzealous because he really wants to bang me and hasn’t and we keep hanging and not banging and it’s slowly driving him insane. i put him in the friend section. i am terrible like that. anyway i had a phone in bidder for $100 then it went up to $200 and i was too shy to drag it out more (unlike some mega egotists up there) so i demurely said i was fine with that to the host (who was that guy?) and got off stage.

ok be right back i just wanted to punch my time card here with a mini hello while my judgment is poor to nil, like always.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5436828732/

brock is lucky he didn’t wake up like this. though if he looked anything remotely like this he would also be waking up without any pants on and there wouldn’t be time to draw that shirt on. i took this photo last night downstairs by the bathrooms, how prophetic am i? i am trying to convince one of my dodgeball teammate’s to do this tomorrow. our team theme is the chilean miners. i don’t know what to wear and you people are all useless. and selfish and not offering up suggestions. that’s two charity gigs for me in a week, i’m like, so generous right now.