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1.30 for the win.

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yesterday was oh so magical. lookit me. i was born for ornate marble elegance. i look like i’m about to tap my way into your cold dead hearts.

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or tap dance my way down stairs and drink martinis out of those funny retro glasses the ones strip tease chicks slosh around in. mmm yeah that’s the life.

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and i was meant to sit and wait patiently for my hot euro scarf wearing husband with our 3 kids and my collagen injected matriarch lips. ok i’m just going to go in the order my mom has these on facebook.

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my mom went on and on about the opera yesterday i was pretty impressed that she has the attention span for it at all. she must be thinking about other stuff at the time though.

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mmm i looove mercatto. they’re expanding and branching out how do i get in on that? i stared at this one guy like i had staring problems while waiting for my moms to show up. i think he was the owner. i became very shy when they all rubbernecked me once i pulled my camera out after taking pics of the buildings outside so i didn’t take any i let my mom do it. i was really wound up yesterday. this is the burrata and beet salad. yuh-um.

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mom is sick. had a tea and grand marnier. two of them. oh yeah. i was cocked by the time they showed up off one sip of chianti. part of why i didn’t want to take any more pics to draw attention to myself.

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see us in the mirror up there?

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nibbled on these while waiting. my mom tore hers open with her teeth i was like, why did you do that you could just open it with your hands? she said oh, not ladylike kind of chuffed, no not my point it’s just, you learn people’s mannerisms when you actually pay attention. it was kind of animalistic, barbaric and funny. she did it without breaking any of the bread sticks that were so totally delicate and fragile.

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i am kind of adorable here no? i’m having a vodka soda so that means this is during intermission of course i was wondering if there was even going to be an intermission cos the first act was soooo long. i didn’t get to pee cos of the massive lineup i chose a drink over the line. lois went though, she is so polite, waiting at the end. i grabbed her and walked her cutting in front of thirty women and plonked her at the head. zero people noticed. win.

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teacher asked me if i thought i was masculine last night after i showed off how i walk sometimes, my strut. my vibe. he said there are elements to me that are masculine maybe, aggression, can be taken as masculine. there was another word too. meh. yeah i’m kind of tomboyish.

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some men have less testosterone, some have more. some women get a little too i think, or a little less estrogen? part of it is nurture too, i have an older brother so that is who i naturally mimic or imitate as a kid, i had all male cousins, and all the women in my family are bitches. haha kidding. no they’re all pretty dominant, type a personalities. yeah my mom was definitely not a wall flower.

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mom 2 is awesome, so sweet but i can see there are more layers to her as i get to know her better. she lets out these little revealing personal factoids, which is helpful. she knows how to read between the lines of my blog writing, very decent. i leave tons of breadcrumbs all over the place this is like a csi-enthusiast’s wet dream and new year’s eve for trolls world wide web wide.

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slammed that pose right out tha mawfuhckin ballpark i did.

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pretty.

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i look like a big black potatobug. some man called my mom a cougar last night as she bobbled on by i heard and looked back and they looked scared. lois heard it too. didn’t tell mom til a bit further on. i felt bitchy all day so i didn’t want to make more bitchy happen so i didn’t flip out on him. she looked hot and had lots of cleavage and a leather coat beige polkadot shirt, total coug ground zero outfit what do you expect? also what would i have done, that never ends well. oh did you call her a cougar? yes, yes we did sorry. ok then doot dee doot. ya right.

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lois had crazy high heels on i was nervous a lot but she truckered through awesomely.

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my cab driver over was like what is the deal with moms and daughters and mr. green jeans (resto above mercatto) once i saw mercatto i was like there is no chance in hell we are going to mr. jeans, not now or ever again. i went up the escalator and saw the bummed out expressions on all their staff’s faces, called my mom and was like change of plans girls.

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got away with this one. there is something kind of bath house to this. cool. my second finger is made of titanium that is also pretty baller.

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yes mom i will always be your little angel. why the gay soft effect? ha.

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someone tattled on her for this one and she got told off. we had amazing seats. thanks lois! hug hug kiss!

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another reason i couldn’t pee was cos of my jumper. the show was brilliant. tons of swearing and smoking, made me want to take up smoking again. made me pine for dancing again. maybe one day i’ll get in super super shape and somehow get to perform again. i dunno. if d list stars can do it… one day i’m going to have to leave toronto to make it bigger. groan.

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taking a photo of my wine glass i liked the gold on gold. no i was not busting lines i don’t think anyone could handle a play on blow. though if you could do let me know and good luck with that.

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i can’t remember if i’d ever been inside there before.

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wow face what are you doing now?

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one second wait for sloppy jacket bad posture woman to get out of my way.

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mmmmm.

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birthday gelato. peanute butter caramel and fluff mmmm.

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clams are adorable and remind me of alice in wonderland.

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hot fairy godmother.

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i’m sulking cos she wouldn’t listen to my vision and lois had to break us up ahhahahaha. my mom asked teacher if he would watch a show on us. he goes, yes, i would. oh man. that guy is super fucking popular at his school now with all his stories and photos of his new minxy pal. so, what did you say about me today? mhmm. mhmm. good. i see. nice nice. yep. right. ok, and then what did they say? hahaha.

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this is me waiting for you for forever but still smiling and happy to see you once you finally arrive. vive le chianti.

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cougar crossing.

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arrivederci!

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OMFG i was JUST talking about the secret garden!!!

ps. blog post title is a lyric from one of the songs in billy elliott. i memorized it specially. achievement.

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what do i wear to billy elliott? halp. we have good seats lois says. going to BR to eat first. i’m not saying their name cos i just called to see if they would sweeten our deal, no go. fine. FU then. no blog love.

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woah relax ragey haha.

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i’m sick of looking at this dress too. so many pics.

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get ready for more. snores.

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i think i’m getting testy cos i’m having flashbacks of my old life and how many man hours i spent cooking and photographing it and wow it’s like i was dead sometimes.

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even though i love cooking and being in the kitchen it just gives me way too much time to think and i think about all the things i’m not doing while chopping and simmering i start to feel pregnant and ugly, forgotten. total late-twenties losing it much hahaah.

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i love that there is a picture of a meth addict face dude on this. i cannot fucking stand the auto tune of it either, brosz7 used to play it all the time and i’d be dying inside. hating it. not funny. not once. auto-tune anything, why ruin good songs? borderline good songs. that’s not music. it is garbage noise to the soundtrack of bad jokes and memes. guh.

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your ingredients. one bag of slaw will suffice. now that i know he has a slap chop i can buy the, what the hell is slaw from? oh my god i am so stupid. i don’t have time for this right now anyway the girls are on their way in. CABBAGE!

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i cheated. had some of those. not a lot. and some cheap easter chocolates from metro so good. already fantasizing about more. i also rain manned the plu (sku?) for it just by skimming the numbers thinking they might need me to remember that number nah prob have a sheet up there. 16143 something like that i remembered (am wrong) teacher went to get it and i had only the last two numbers reversed. i became very egotistical after that.

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theme cupcake of the night. green tea moche (?) cupcakes. OH SO GOOD. i ate baked goods all night and hated myself all night. like one every half hour. i was there for five hours.

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i tried everything and everything was delicious.

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night’s beginning.

happy tuesday c u later.

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remember down there i was talking about alyssa? check her out!

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here is my slaw. mixed beans, yellow pepper (i used the slap chop, a student of teacher’s gave it to him haha) sweet onion minced, dried cranberries and an orange.

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matches the painting. act natural.

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yesterday saw a wide and varying selection of faces.

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fuck these are boring. domesticity is sweetly boring. if i could just go on dates in supermarkets and then make salads drink wine and then couch surf. not bad. boring for blogs though. teacher read my post yesterday. he knows what’s up, hates it, tolerates it but, yeah. i haven’t had time to serial date lately, just time to threaten it only.

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it’s like some backward voodoo he’s hoping. i will settle on him and pick him once and for all. i dunno. i am just lost. no i’m not lost that is just an excuse, i’m just hyper me-focused right now, i gotta be, it’s hard to do though because i like to just float and see how that fares me. we have a great time but we are also learning each other. it’s too soon to tell him all the things that irritate me about him and as if he can get away with telling me all my annoying traits without me blowing a tsunami gasket so i feel for the guy.

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wow, face really? anyway don’t feel too bad for him cos he gets private shows. last night he met anja, based on my 16 year old partner in crime from latvia. teacher likes anja a lot. i put on beirut, my blue dress and mary janes and it was quite acrobatic, more cardio for me as well two birds one stoner, i have a re-test this friday.

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i’m a little sore right now from yesterday’s work out. all of them haha.

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anyway there’s plenty leftovers. i am serious about staying whippet slick thin and my next beauty obsession will be my face and caring for it unlike i’ve not been doing for a decade, passing out in my cake makeup. i have such great skin i want to keep it that way and make it glow.

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such a beautiful salad. could throw it in a wrap with tofu or meat. total summer salad.

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i like this idea for a ceiling. i might do it in a nursery except pale pale baby blue and tiniest rainbow stencil sprinkle explosions in random places. aren’t i a darling?

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except i look terribly tired here, my eye would not stop gushing. there is always something no? i bought discount reactine (allergy meds are so expensive!) from shoppers, popped one before i went out. yesterday my eye was tearing up before i even left adventurehouse. balls.

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post work out sweaty. andrew gave me extra cardio. yesterday was a bit rough but i troopered through. the first day working out after a week long bender kind of scares you. will my heart explode today well lets see. i prepared myself doing light weights all weekend long. tricep raises i forget the name of it but i did some in front of teacher and told him remember those things i was doing well i did them again except with 20lb weights. in each hand. very different than 4lbs. haha.

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but now i am very happy the benders are over. i did not miss feeling that horrible in the morning pre-training like an internally blubbery gross boozebag, no thanks. i am attracted to health and wellness now only. i will be doing a cleanse mid-month even maybe. it will align with the full moon apparently. people are wary of using me as a test subject because i am racy and i dunno, a lot of people cockblock me business-wise they’re like oh that raymi, i dunno dude BE CAREFUL which is bullcrap as the people with similar clients or work in such and such industry, i see them out partying at night all the time, we run in the same circle, industries, you name it. the hypocrisy in this town is retarded. anyway, regardless of reputations, i stand by my duties, i am accountable and trustworthy. if i say i am going to do something i do it. i hate losing too. so i don’t. for example, co-hosting the japan benefit sunday night with stew, i didn’t bail despite the ridiculosity of my week. the attendance was greatish for awhile there but then petered out nearing the end. anyway, i found it ironic how rain kept everyone indoors (my cab driver told me that everyplace was dead this night) that more people couldn’t be bothered to come out and support people who died and are misplaced because of rain (more or less, well more actually but you get my point) because of rain, in our safe tsunami-free city. right?

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pre-work-out haha hi shannon. she always sees me sneaking in late trying to get out to the floor fast and then we have a gab gossip sesh. if i’m late tomorrow kash is going to make me do burpees, five for each minute. do you hear that YOU KNOW WHO?

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why can’t they make more t-shirt girth (slack) in the arm area you realize some people have muscles and you make our arms look fatter?

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i just ran out of steam i have to go blow myself back up again (i’m in a balloon metaphor right now) and then i’ll be back with more hugely topical things.

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man i love this dress. i want one in every colour, exact cut and shape. surf dress. house dress. making a salad dress.

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well, slaw really. i made a mega batch of slaw, west indian matouk’s, olive oil and balsamic dressed. when you make your own food it’s amazing the portion and quantity you have, i eyeball each mound as ten dollars sold in a restaurant. can you get sued for ripping off other people’s food and selling it in your own restaurant? maybe not sued but definitely despised. it’s ok if i have my own resto it’ll be call stoner kitchen, no menu you just walk in with munchies and pick a general (vague) food group and just wait and see what gets placed before you.

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yesterday i was called anorexic and winter fat in the same thread. no, try personal training thrice weekly for four months. my body tone definition is blowing my mind. bodybuilders are extreme narcissists so i am going to stop talking about it until my next TMR post and by the way there’s ANOTHER deal with my gym, these guys know their internet special rounds eh, wonder why that is haha. anyhow, $25 for a Re-Energizer Bootcamp Spring Package at The Motion Room (a $250 Value) this was the biggest deal yesterday on le webz and look at my body, there is no denying it’s working for me. you should see alyssa once i remember what her blog is her torso is as tiny as mine now and i’ve been working out longer and she came in when i was already slimmed down and she caught up to me.

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we went to squirrleys for my stupid salad i no longer like, the portion is too tiny and they give you a half pile of pita bread for some confusing reason plus we had to listen to some guy tap his fingers a lot back there. it’s a museum (hole) to the 90’s, however the seven grain salad is only 7.95 and comes with a side of mesclun dressed for you. i’m pretty put off by salads and a ramekin of couldn’t give a shit dressing, what’s worse is the plastic ones with a lid basically telling you to fuck off and don’t bother.

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better photos on my blackberry which died in the night. the battery cannot hold charge i had nightmares of did i really leave my charger at home or in a gutter? that’s bad when you dream about that kind of thing. it’s the stress of not being able to contact people and work, of not existing. like right now it is across the room charging what is going on over there i must get up and fight out. see? sickness. i am fighting the urge to give in nooooooooooooo! well i walked all the way home from the tower to get stuff done so i’ve been out of contact since last night. do not judge me. fear me.

BRB

-sucker

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god i’m such a sponge. i just started reading affliction, apparently it’s a nick nolte movie. don’t tell me anything about it please but anyway already i love it. russell banks is the best writer. so funny concise and a sentence just spills unto itself kind of like how i write like by the end of the breath you’re like all that shit at the beginning of the sentence finally makes sense thank fucking god, like that but except way way more tight.

so far i liked how he spoke about all the smart people leaving this town in new hampshire (every single woodsy book ever takes place somewhere in new england, russell banks and steven king must be soul brothers) which can be applied to every single small town anywhere. the smart talented ones leave and the dumb ones get left behind, abandoned. so then you have this village, quite literally, of idiots. hey don’t get mad at me i’m just the re-messenger here but anyway, all the organized ones are long gone so the rest don’t even know how to string together a semblance of community. i kind of want to go to there (inside melodie joke) you know? i like the broken down and dysfunctional. i am drawn to it.

ok salad time, i only wanted to say hi about shitty towns who only have names for themselves or thrive cos they’re on the way to somewhere better. how sad is that? and beautiful. now i feel like a road trip.

that’s all, nothing more, or less.

i am gearing up to start writing 10,000 words a day again for my book is what this means i guess.

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when everyone went to the raveonettes this is what i did. then i had to immediately change to walk the dog.

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bitchy tired bad photo. meh.

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how will i lay out in the sun all summer long and not get a tan if i don’t want to tan? looks like i’ll be smelling permanently of coconut (suntan lotion). yum.

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this post was just an exercise in procrastination.

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no more birthdays, not mine, not yours, no one’s!

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well maybe except my brother’s which is april 10 but then, no more until melodie’s which is may, thank god. i’ll be nice and healthy by then to undo it and start all over again. yay life.

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so we start in the cab and we’re late but oh well that’s how it goes right?

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my fresh little birthday surprise confuser.

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then there’s me of course.

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and one of my drummettes. everyone had eaten before we got there. i ordered both kinds of drummettes (for the table) and didn’t finish them, first time ever. i am a pig it’s no secret.

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every time i eat (all the time) we take out an imaginary phone and imaginary type while saying out loud she’s eating again which is what teacher texted about me on our first date. he found it endearing and funny that i was eating and being a dickhole mess. applying loads and loads of vitamine e to my hands because i had burned the one a few days prior.

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looking at pictures of people opening presents must be about as interesting as people showing you their vacation pictures. i just had an a-ha moment because that’s basically EVERYTHING that i do daily for a decade somehow i made this interesting.

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do a little dance. happy dance. last night i danced at the japan benefit for the last band and afterward i gave my card to the singer and he’s like are you a dancer??? i am THAT good.

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joining burlesque awoke all the moves i have in me. move memory.

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that card is from my brother.

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my top gift.

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i immediately had to play with it.

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these are hard to look at cos i have post birthday blues. and booze blues. and period blues. HA the trifecta!

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5 balloons are in my room right now, and one of the happy birthday ones too. lasters.

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those shoes are multi-purpose i almost used them as bath slippers yesterday. rain booty water absorbent. good good.

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having two photographers is neat. look see here.

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c’est interessant.

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i like this euro looking shot. i gave linda my camera to take pictures, thanks babe.

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mom will not stop saying shazam and guess what it’s already turned to copper and dying to make my finger green. i can only wear for a minimal amount of time. at a time.

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gorgeous though.

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ooh it’s a hand off. mom has the best shade of nail lacquer there. cappuccino?

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an impressionist book from melucas.

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this card is the fucking best. mel made it. i’m their raymbo bright.

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and a hippie.

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then lucas sucked all the fun away immediately and had to learn me something. haha he always gets me books. i’ve read them all. i’m not very adventurous in my reading materials as i am super impressionable and overly-stimulated, derno, stubborn? rigid? narrow minded? or i think i know everything already yeah that’s it.

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one of the authors of the short stories contained signed it to me. awesome.

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i love new paintbrushes mine are pretty gnarly.

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i didn’t know why my dad wanted me to pose with this, i hadn’t looked at the cover but also my face is fat in every photo what the fuuuuuck. i am going on a water de-bloatation science experiment this week you’ll see by friday i will be gwyneth paltrow. the mayor makes me feel extra fat too.

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who knows.

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my real life doll. who does all her own dressing and preening, cooking, responsibilities, perfect!

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here’s where things got funny. no wait they started that way.

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if teacher doesn’t get contacts or new lenses i dunno, i am not a glasses 24/7 dating type chick. also look at that face. if you get shit right, don’t fuck it up. melodie’s incoming says it all.

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gratuitous cake. i wanna get all my girlfriends on the same cycle (i think we are already ahha) and then have a PMS party and the guest of honour of course will be a huge fucking cake. no one would let photos be taken either cos we’d all be fat water retaining pigs of course.

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how’d you like your martini, mum?

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cute aunty in there too.

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my new cards are amazing.

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it’s a lot safer over here with brosz7.

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hello pretty girl. skinny ankles club co-prez.

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clem comes in wearing a girl scarf and brosz7 rips him on looking like a little woman. or maybe that was me. but first they were sitting side by side ignoring one another then turn and get startled, it was funny.

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i love this photo. we need to recreate it in a bigger space and three more people, it’s called a volcanic people hug eruption and the hug sculpture that we are represents lava. i am serious. maybe i will even trademark it. clem the pig was like oh yeah i’m getting in on this so i don’t think we ever got a pose picture of us girls together cos we immediately just started havin’ a gab. cool clem, thanks for that.

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blue eyed silver fox braved the awkward for a bit then left. my brother was like yo we saw that guy outside while smoking he was kinda sketch looking for a bus or something? haha i love my brother’s insider info on shit. i would be frantic too if i walked in on my bday scene.

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mom all night was like you don’t love me waaah. hahaha oh shut up yes i do. when you become a mother do they implant a guilt trip microchip into your fucking brain?

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red flag had soda water because he’s doing some new no drinking thing. smart. he’s always “doing something” though which is funny and admirable. he said his ex said he looked like shit. that’ll do it i guess.

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my girl april (why did you say you wore that colour pants again i forget but i remember i liked whatever the reason was haha) and new budday lisa, who will get a nickname once i think of one.

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i have like the same jacket as teacher, with patches though. we have a lot of similarities in music (brit pop) and clothing styles, shoes. it’s too much! i’m still dating world i swear you can’t nail me down or cage me i’m suffocating smothered claustrophobia haaaalp. kidding and not kidding and just getting it off my chest. i hear girls gossip about this like it’s 90210 i want in on that shit! is this the no raymis club?

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now i spy abigail and kelowna. hello hello. saw both of them the next night, one at the spoke the other at salvador darling. fun fun. then i ran into ab’s brother in front of mitzi’s during my terrible hangover and what i would imagine his also and i yelled to him across the street a bunch of nonsense, a greeting i mean which in raymi is just noise and lots of it.

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long hair, check. likes being naked, check. jam rock, check. weed, check. hahahah so funny.

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sooo white. back to using my vitamin e. i thought it was giving me zits but i don’t care anymore i’d rather not be a white lizard. that microdermabrasion actually made me glow for a week.

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pineapple coconut juice (the real shit, thick) and beer. DIVINELY revitalized. had my first sip before the teacher came back and then he walked in the door and every second before that i was not even a human at all, so hung. i had a hangover every day during birthday week. it was extreme as you all know i do’er hard. the teacher gave me a key, 90210 club. weeks ago. over a week at least. my colleague was like wow, there must really be something about (i can’t say the rest because i am a prude now) you, just, wow. hahaha yup. that drink made me look like this.

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painted lady sweet passion lady how the hell does that go i swear melodie croons it sometimes but i might be dreaming or hallucinating or inventing a memory. i cannot wait for the salad i will be eating tonight for dinner. guess which one, it’s a huge one off the raymi’s salad tour of the city continuation project and no it’s not epic’s caesar, i’m saving that one for the foot fetishist to take me mid-week. date-to-eat-a-thon. tomorrow is billy elliott with my godmother and mom STOKED!

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