god i’m such a sponge. i just started reading affliction, apparently it’s a nick nolte movie. don’t tell me anything about it please but anyway already i love it. russell banks is the best writer. so funny concise and a sentence just spills unto itself kind of like how i write like by the end of the breath you’re like all that shit at the beginning of the sentence finally makes sense thank fucking god, like that but except way way more tight.
so far i liked how he spoke about all the smart people leaving this town in new hampshire (every single woodsy book ever takes place somewhere in new england, russell banks and steven king must be soul brothers) which can be applied to every single small town anywhere. the smart talented ones leave and the dumb ones get left behind, abandoned. so then you have this village, quite literally, of idiots. hey don’t get mad at me i’m just the re-messenger here but anyway, all the organized ones are long gone so the rest don’t even know how to string together a semblance of community. i kind of want to go to there (inside melodie joke) you know? i like the broken down and dysfunctional. i am drawn to it.
ok salad time, i only wanted to say hi about shitty towns who only have names for themselves or thrive cos they’re on the way to somewhere better. how sad is that? and beautiful. now i feel like a road trip.
that’s all, nothing more, or less.
i am gearing up to start writing 10,000 words a day again for my book is what this means i guess.
how will i lay out in the sun all summer long and not get a tan if i don’t want to tan? looks like i’ll be smelling permanently of coconut (suntan lotion). yum.
well maybe except my brother’s which is april 10 but then, no more until melodie’s which is may, thank god. i’ll be nice and healthy by then to undo it and start all over again. yay life.
and one of my drummettes. everyone had eaten before we got there. i ordered both kinds of drummettes (for the table) and didn’t finish them, first time ever. i am a pig it’s no secret.
every time i eat (all the time) we take out an imaginary phone and imaginary type while saying out loud she’s eating again which is what teacher texted about me on our first date. he found it endearing and funny that i was eating and being a dickhole mess. applying loads and loads of vitamine e to my hands because i had burned the one a few days prior.
looking at pictures of people opening presents must be about as interesting as people showing you their vacation pictures. i just had an a-ha moment because that’s basically EVERYTHING that i do daily for a decade somehow i made this interesting.
do a little dance. happy dance. last night i danced at the japan benefit for the last band and afterward i gave my card to the singer and he’s like are you a dancer??? i am THAT good.
mom will not stop saying shazam and guess what it’s already turned to copper and dying to make my finger green. i can only wear for a minimal amount of time. at a time.
then lucas sucked all the fun away immediately and had to learn me something. haha he always gets me books. i’ve read them all. i’m not very adventurous in my reading materials as i am super impressionable and overly-stimulated, derno, stubborn? rigid? narrow minded? or i think i know everything already yeah that’s it.
i didn’t know why my dad wanted me to pose with this, i hadn’t looked at the cover but also my face is fat in every photo what the fuuuuuck. i am going on a water de-bloatation science experiment this week you’ll see by friday i will be gwyneth paltrow. the mayor makes me feel extra fat too.
if teacher doesn’t get contacts or new lenses i dunno, i am not a glasses 24/7 dating type chick. also look at that face. if you get shit right, don’t fuck it up. melodie’s incoming says it all.
gratuitous cake. i wanna get all my girlfriends on the same cycle (i think we are already ahha) and then have a PMS party and the guest of honour of course will be a huge fucking cake. no one would let photos be taken either cos we’d all be fat water retaining pigs of course.
clem comes in wearing a girl scarf and brosz7 rips him on looking like a little woman. or maybe that was me. but first they were sitting side by side ignoring one another then turn and get startled, it was funny.
i love this photo. we need to recreate it in a bigger space and three more people, it’s called a volcanic people hug eruption and the hug sculpture that we are represents lava. i am serious. maybe i will even trademark it. clem the pig was like oh yeah i’m getting in on this so i don’t think we ever got a pose picture of us girls together cos we immediately just started havin’ a gab. cool clem, thanks for that.
blue eyed silver fox braved the awkward for a bit then left. my brother was like yo we saw that guy outside while smoking he was kinda sketch looking for a bus or something? haha i love my brother’s insider info on shit. i would be frantic too if i walked in on my bday scene.
mom all night was like you don’t love me waaah. hahaha oh shut up yes i do. when you become a mother do they implant a guilt trip microchip into your fucking brain?
red flag had soda water because he’s doing some new no drinking thing. smart. he’s always “doing something” though which is funny and admirable. he said his ex said he looked like shit. that’ll do it i guess.
my girl april (why did you say you wore that colour pants again i forget but i remember i liked whatever the reason was haha) and new budday lisa, who will get a nickname once i think of one.
i have like the same jacket as teacher, with patches though. we have a lot of similarities in music (brit pop) and clothing styles, shoes. it’s too much! i’m still dating world i swear you can’t nail me down or cage me i’m suffocating smothered claustrophobia haaaalp. kidding and not kidding and just getting it off my chest. i hear girls gossip about this like it’s 90210 i want in on that shit! is this the no raymis club?
now i spy abigail and kelowna. hello hello. saw both of them the next night, one at the spoke the other at salvador darling. fun fun. then i ran into ab’s brother in front of mitzi’s during my terrible hangover and what i would imagine his also and i yelled to him across the street a bunch of nonsense, a greeting i mean which in raymi is just noise and lots of it.
sooo white. back to using my vitamin e. i thought it was giving me zits but i don’t care anymore i’d rather not be a white lizard. that microdermabrasion actually made me glow for a week.
pineapple coconut juice (the real shit, thick) and beer. DIVINELY revitalized. had my first sip before the teacher came back and then he walked in the door and every second before that i was not even a human at all, so hung. i had a hangover every day during birthday week. it was extreme as you all know i do’er hard. the teacher gave me a key, 90210 club. weeks ago. over a week at least. my colleague was like wow, there must really be something about (i can’t say the rest because i am a prude now) you, just, wow. hahaha yup. that drink made me look like this.
painted lady sweet passion lady how the hell does that go i swear melodie croons it sometimes but i might be dreaming or hallucinating or inventing a memory. i cannot wait for the salad i will be eating tonight for dinner. guess which one, it’s a huge one off the raymi’s salad tour of the city continuation project and no it’s not epic’s caesar, i’m saving that one for the foot fetishist to take me mid-week. date-to-eat-a-thon. tomorrow is billy elliott with my godmother and mom STOKED!
this sandwich i must have a photo of its older price. no one is going to order it you realize? everything else at easy is already engorged price wise to begin with. the only person stupid enough to buy this is me, well, the teacher, for me cos when the bill came i said something cute to not pay even though it was my turn. who wants a raymi’s guide to getting dudes to buy you stuff? ha that won’t blow up in my face at all. teacher just said how about a guide to getting raymi to buy me stuff.
yesterday i was so epicly out of sorts we couldn’t tell that these “greyhounds” didn’t have vodka in them. yah. bill came and together both were 9.47 or something, that seems dangerously low for vodka? the grapefruit did the trick though, no hair of the dog happened. my waitress was also hung. i liked that. she’s like drink that down for me, people steal this juice (i think that’s what she said?) ok greyhounds are 5.95. we are retarded. i asked the teacher if he could detect vodka even and he was like yes. i did not. he is slightly more retarded than i am. but wow i look pretty tired here.
i sucky pants’d a starbucks brought to me while i lay facedown in my bed had time to make adventurehouse coffee by the time he arrived, i had blankets imprint on my face, that is a sign of old age i freaked out in the mirror.
i think the tumbleweeds laughing at me in my bank account is what’s getting me incensed over this price hike. i’m not broke but i am sick of paying for shit, seems to happen in phases, a week of spending on top of consuming E V E R Y T H I N G then you come across your favourite sandwich and a little wire in your brain goes snap. this will not stand. this is not ‘nam walter.
it’s a whole chicken so you get two sandwiches. alright i see that but like what about just, the ONE sandwich on the menu? i am not letting this go. 9.95 (i just looked at an older menu it was 12.50 so nevermind i guess all of the rest of this is now pointless to read) to 15.50 is massive. maybe it’s the bread that’s making me most upset, i love it and it comes from only two places in the city, which i don’t even remember and may as well be in france. the bread is that good. ok i’ll get over it there are far more important things to be concerned over. also, the SECOND sandwich is in the firdge here i’m about to go have a bite of it for raymi blog fuel. good thing my meal has two sandwiches in it what is this america?
hipster coffee birthday after my pint at cafe taste, this was hangover day one courtesy of courtney and the parkdale boys club. pending a hangover from queens of the stoneage.
now, where was we? Ottawa windows planet urg. that’s where. i just sent everyone off to the raveonettes and was talking about how i brought my laptop and i’ll just, oh you know, work? pah haahaha ah ha right. the last week of blog posts have been spectacularly riddled with charlie sheenisms i was thinking how i should stay away from the internet until monday. birthday week come to a close please thanks.
anywhooosers i’ll just throw up (hahaha) the rest of my pics i’ve already put on flickr then make like king tut and mummify. yeah yeah.
this is when i discovered making eye contact with the apple camera webcam duh. once i was finished being mesmerized by my own image of course. maybe this is why mac users are sooooo arrogant and big headed they look at themselves constantly on webcam and eventually believe they’re super fucking good looking or something.
can you give me just a little extra for free face. learn it live it love it and love me for the skeleton key top tip.
pop your eyes too. don’t forget your visine. i think my (teacher’s) teeth whitener strips dissolved by this point.
i am obsessing over my cakes more and more as days go by. i am going to carole’s cafe, i’ve been poring over cake fetish photos and now i want to love the hand that feeds some.
it was fun having my family friends at my shitty date bar. one day maybe there’ll be a raymi guided tour of the city like they do in nyc for sex and the city fanatics.
it was fun having my mom wasted off the drink menu too. now you understand me a little more, you cannot resist the temptation of that cocktail menu. i got melodie an anita’s attitude adjuster straight off the bat, reasons why require no mention. i love this photo because you can see how i look like both my mother and aunt alison. pretty neat.
don’t go all out now ma. keeding. i love this. i wonder if she likes finally having a daughter who enjoys and rivals the like and need of pink and girly things.
i got an idea. thanks for the cards dad. colleague and i collaborated on the appropriated from the internet design. my awards are scattered on the back. couldn’t fit them all. BOOM!
oh god man look at that hair. ahhh thank you brennen demelo, you genius. how to do pr0no hair 101. guys help me pick the best raymbo hair photo for a sponsored by brennen advert image on my sidebar.
i last minutedly felt like a cow and skinny day went away (full time pms now) so i wore black to hide it all. haha check this out from gill’z bday april 2009.
hey i’m working here, do you mind? that’s what you say to strangers in real life who have problems with the happening they walked in on. this night not necessary, everyone was loving it.
and now i have a reason to hostess. my cuisine is perfect and requires no extra sodium to taste and i always heavily crack pepper into my concotions but why not. i took so many more pictures of these today i hope you don’t get sick of them.
i said, and, where the hell will i wear these which made my brother lose his mind laughing cos i said it in the snarkiest way ever and now i am wearing them like crazy and i look crazy in them. they will be great with daisy dukes and a simple shirt, starbucks liberty stroll and jumping in water puddles.
my swarovski lois loot. she is taking me and mom to billy elliott next week. pumped. i’ve been wearing the hello kitty necklace round the clock as well. i might attach my other swarovski hk head to it as well one night.
i crawled out of my vortex to go to the spoke for britt’s bday. i sat by her folks and charmed her dad as much as i could. i said my dad adores britt and her dad is like well where is he then? everytime i played with my blackberry he tsk’d me and i would make up some stupid funny excuse/lie about what i was doing.
it was a set menu. it was like a wedding. that’s the scallop starter. i chose the weird salad. i was afraid i wouldn’t be able to stomach anything. i said to the folks that if britt and i are going to remain friends we’re gonna have to better plan this birthday party staggering thing.
weird salad and my drink, campari and other things. campari is a digestive so it’s a good drink and a sipper cos it tastes disgusting. my mom had some of my campari-ish drink at watusi and was grossed out. i have tasted a lot more of the world and i’m a boozehead so i’m now in the grossest drinks ever phase of my alcoholism. the next stage is cold turkey. sandwiches. mmmm.
birthday girls. old girl (someone actually said that in my comments) on the left. i said in my card we should stop having birthdays at 29, kay? god i am that girl now saying those cutesy cathyesque age quips. GULP! our outfits are kind of coordinated which we did not eve pre-plan or even speak prior to this. i was fancy clothed frantic.
see total wedding. pricey too. i’ve been used to being treated for too long. oh well worth it. it felt adult. britt’s dad was like where is your boyfriend. i stared at him. then i said five different answers.
i don’t even want to talk about how sad this is. britt smashed it. i assisted in that. i said put it in the bubblewrap for safety after she opened it. we both thought it was a bubblewrap mini bag, it wasn’t, it fell to the floor. i got this photo at least. it’s sad because i thought about it for a month before i bought it and even posted it on my blog that i would get it for her, it is perfectly suited for her livingroom, or on her bedroom armoire. we all know how much thought and focus perfectionist gift givers (me) put into their gifts. britt’s mum was like oooh you must feel SO bad britt. HAHA nice one mom. anyway i will see if they can order another or get her the other snowglobe i momentarily considered getting, not as great as this one though. so sad. RIP emo snowglobe. you were not cheap. i slipped it in there a few times that it was designer. whether that is true or not i dunno. if you’ve ever bought such a frivolous expensive thing before as a snowglobe, unless you are one of those disney arrested development collecting freaks, you have no idea what it’s like. maybe the shock of saving your money for something more important is something to make you snicker over here. i DID immediately say once it smashed as we were picking up the pieces, don’t cry over smashed snow globes.
yeah it was the year i became uber hot again and i was in the globe and mail for you know what and well, it was great just because i changed my life. just some crap you put on an envelope as an afterthought of deepness that you know will go in the garbage anyway. next year when she turns 27 i will have a LOT more to say. OMG GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ONE DUDE! i think britt might be more superstitious than i am?
dude i heard your entire business call while i was in the bathroom don’t remember it wasn’t anything secretive or particularly all that juicy. i held out hope though.
me leaving with my present. a stuffed unicorn. it’s special because if i go online with the packet it came with a star will be named after me. i will be calling mine 123 penis lane. that has been my fake address for every single thing i have ever had to fill out an address for something you just know will end in junk mail. i can’t wait to visit this actual address some day. that will be the day. no wait. i think i’ve been there many times before already hahahaa. oh man rough birthday week is how all these blog jokes are brought to you by.
had a pit stop at teacher’s to try to nap, mostly to digest then i almost bailed on adventurehouse III but i powered through. paying for it now but a duty is a duty. glad i went and that guy came to have a mini business chat talk with me after he bought me a shot. we are doin’ lunch. i was like mmhmm yep yup sounds great good good ok so do you have money? things are great and fine on email but then when it gets to money talk all of a sudden this GREAT idea for YOU and your blog that benefits you zero, is not worthy of paying you for the work you do for it/them. silly gooses. the guy was like, we want the best so i came to you. damn straight hustler. i’ll sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves, i will. (tommy boy ref)
they played a special one for me, that gorillaz empire ants song, a lounge lizard trip hop version. jason osler makes fun of me on gchat once a week or so about the one song i listen to. hey guy i don’t listen to it anymore. he texted how my bday was and said don’t say to read your blog. ha. therefore i forgot to text back to it. therefore he will never know. i’ll just email him this blog blurb.
under a year ago i brought a parade with me back from wrong bar one night. this girl was part of that herd. the adventurehouse allure is strong and almighty. tanya our bar house leader said now that she’s met me she understands the tickle trunk addiction. she is amazing. we are going to do some fun collabs together coming up just you wait and see. pressing publish now. i still have my mom’s photos to show from my birthday which everyone has seen on facebook for days now, and then my own. ooh i just remembered snl is on tonight. i don’t know how to work that tv thing so maybe i’ll just stick to being a hunchback and maybe saying bizarre stuff on my tumblr though by the time i read through this the gang will be back from the raveonettes show and will take over the place. remind me to ask my brother what he wants for his birthday. last year i got him wallabees. i’ve wanted my own pair for too long now. maybe i’ll just ask my dad.
happy saturday.
BY THE WAY i am doing this tomorrow please come. it’s a charity for japan party raffle prizes bands jamboree! stewart and i are hosting it! we are going to co-ordinate outfits and be the BEST!
WHERE: the great hall (queen/dovercourt) 1087 Queen Street West 7.30pm.
Prizes:
more donations today. got some tickets to see in conversation with woody harrelson, beautiful earings from dean davidson, 2 gift certificates from passage tatoo, a dine alone package 3 gift certificates from parlour salon for cut and colour tickets to cut copy, tiesto, protest the hero, timer timbre, Case of wine plus 8 glasses, dress by Valerie Osumek,
we have dinners from the drake and watusi, jewelry from ashley winnington-ball and kvell & co. clothes from las valentines and cry wolf, steam whistle tour for 10, passes to hot docs, imaginative and the reel asian film fest, cineplex package including tickets to the opera, band merch, pieces from lots of local artists/photographers, a signed bat and ball from the blue jays, a makeup set from MAC and more
Comrades, I am hosting this charity event, (yes, it is true I am just as shocked as you are) tomorrow night apparently during a blackout i said YES i will totally do this with you Stew (my boy twin) and now it’s happening, tomorrow. Come gab with me and support JAPAN cos something bad happened over there to good people. I don’t know about you but I have some cosmic Karma to turn around, I’ve been selfish for too long tomorrow night at THE GREAT HALL queen/dovercourt 7.30pm raffles bake sale other things and so on. we’re a finite resource we have to help our friends in need.
i quite enjoy looking at these i just exclaimed, what is wrong with me? i want the entire set. i want to fill them with sparkles (in theory) i won’t no worries, one day i’ll for real use them as salt and pepper shakers. i’m going bai ling.
i need all the help i can get to get through this day and night. i canceled my work out today. tomorrow i’ll boot camp it. i canceled that too. pray for mojo.
that ring my mom gave me, she was wearing the matching one and the heart necklace too (she always does this) and then alll night long kept trying to daps me and said SHAZAM. mom, STOP saying that it’s not funny. then she’d do it again. shazam. uh whatever everyone last night was kind of obliterated it was pretty great to have? this is where the post ended. wow great headway. i think the teacher walked up to me and then we immediately had business to attend to.
got some great mileage out of these balloons i brought them to adventurehouse party last night. which i am presently recovering from. what else is new.
stressed out face. yeah you can come yeah no worries. then a revolving door of ex bfs. clem loved it. each buy me a drink then leave, i introduced zero to the teacher, who was also ambushed by an intimate dysfunctional family sit down ha ha and they are like who is this guy? i haven’t been telling anyone much of anything lately, keeping cards to chest and so last night at the spoke for britt’s bday she’s like why have we never heard of this teacher before?
i’m starting to enjoy myself without under eye mascara globbed on. i’m so insecure about the size of my eyes. i have to get over it. when i live healthier and get more sleep i won’t need mascara anymore.
it’s cyclical this blog crap thing. another person said my mom and i focus too much on beauty. why aren’t people allowed to do that? beauty is a skill.
i cleaned up the bender when i got up, sloppily so. my niece picked these out for me they’re like rubber boots flats and very comfy. thanks hailey now i can still be a kid and say well my niece got me these so it’s ok to have strawberry shortcake feet and be 28.
you should(n’t) see what my hair looks like today. love to see how far i can stretch out not washing it after a dye job and toning. secret princess skid rat. cousin alex told me when we were teens she hadn’t washed her hair in TWO WEEKS. gross.
remember these pics? so 2001 nerve.com profile. that’s how we met people to fuck and party and have threesomes with back then. there needs to be a more elite pof.
oh teacher’s here time for brunch see you later with more dumb stuff xoxox.
carole’s cheesecake really impressed me and everyone at watusi i want to get raymi cupcakes or something. i ate the chocolate with my bare hands. the other one is coffee, my special request. i would die for some more right now.
ok here is what i got up to today this precious of days what will one day likely culminate into some kind of national holiday. what the hell is one supposed to do on their birthday anyway? what if every day it’s like your birthday already? extra greedy makes me feel extra crazy you know. i felt guilty all day though that might have been the hangover of feeling like i fell out of a plane this morning. i slept in til it felt right, late ten thirtyish.
looked a bit of a ghoul. i will perfect a method of face statue sleeping some day. once in a blue moon i awake with my makeup pristine still from the night before, one time recently at the motion room i was hungover like you would not believe and james was like, you look great minx. i couldn’t believe it. what luck. i hope that happens to me again tomorrow cos i have my friday work out in the morning. can you die on april fools day doing jumping jacks the day after your jinxed birthday of all birthdays where you will drink the bar? yes definitely probably likely because the headlines would just be too good to not die tomorrow. fool dies on april fools day not april fools day joke. ok no more death jokes. today at least.
and then my second last night of not being a geezer was spent in a most awesome way with 3/5 of the park dale boys club. i can’t do math nor can i keep track of who is in my stupid imaginary neighbourhood club, i think a couple boys have disbanded because i wouldn’t sleep with them.
anyone who can look this good from below you know is a ten. blue eyed silver fox met me here last month and was evidently threatened by brennen which is silly cos brennen is a kitty cat. he asked about him and i was like haha that guy is so nexted. hope he comes out tonight. ughhhh i just got cramps. let the bitchy begin.
i walked to shaw and called courtney. she was right beside me on the other side on queen i waved frantically all around me like your stupid mother and she just watched secretly. then we went on a bender and you know the rest.
teacher had a hamburger at the beac i had the carpaccio again. courtney had wine. we had eaten at beaver before and the service was bad and so was the food sorry but you dropped the ball. also the gladstone did too very uneager to sit and serve us. wednesday night i think all restos have their shit staff on shift. makes sense and therefore do not go out to dine on wednesday nights. courtney already had a fight with the drake on the internet so we couldn’t go there on principle. what got me is, no offense, but courtney is NOBODY haha, and they made amends with her. drake has given me a bit of badness before and i have received no love. my friend(s) work there too so like, what the dilly? anyway we went to the beac and i had salad number two. i think i have to start eating at home.
or tights. anyway off to my first hangover drink of the day, not bad, laterish start. i think birthdays are people’s personal st. patrick’s day, and christmases. i tidied up the tickle trunk yesterday somehow magically while hosting courtney in my room my clothing pile was so huge when i started then it disappeared so when i go there later in a bit maybe i’ll try to lie down in my bed for once for a disco nap. i’m so not a napper though. i kind of want to buy little thank you trinkets for everybody tonight just try and stop me.
hope to see whoever is coming tonight we have two cakes. did i say that already? my colleague is being a pill and not sending me photos of them to pre-brag it’s my birthday dammit.
over and out. i’ll finish the rest of my eyes (makeup) later before dinner so if you see a person without facial features walking around telling flowers and hydrants it’s their birthday today, that would be me. i’m going to visit every shop i love and see what free shit i can get today. already have a pint and shot (i’ll skip the shot) and a snack on the house waiting for me, guess where. no don’t i am too stupid to hold a conversation with anything outside of a houseplant right now. talk to me after i swim around a frosty golden lap pool a few gulps. should i write for breweries?
