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remember there’s always my tumblr. i’m doing catch up in the tickle trunk and will be folding all the laundry in the world momentarily.

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hello my darling raymbots lets get ready to emote! i kid. or, not. i don’t really know anymore.

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happy monday. jesus monday right? doesn’t feel like it as it’s a work day for meh. sorry, “work” day. if anyone has to wake up to do something on a statutory holiday that is equivalent to a work day by me. a true holiday is being horizontal watching B flicks, moaning and whining about having to work tomorrow.

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my mom said she would give up drinking forever if she could look like this. aw. we had a nice chat on the phone yesterday (had one with my pa too). she saw a psychic. the psychic said she had a daughter and a son, the daughter is well known but the project she is currently working on will make her very famous. i’ll be married by 35 and have one kid. thanks psychic! now i can just focus on my career and let fate do the rest. awesome!

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i cheated. just little nibbles. oh come on right?

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such a nana cake.

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en route to oshawa i obsessed over taking the perfect picture. the mirror is too close to my face for that as well my phone is on its last legs. all my technological devices are dying on me. something’s gotta give soon i can no longer work like this. i just have to give in and replace everything.

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checked on my friend again. the gold base served as an effective box slopping to the side of interior barrier.

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the vanilla shavings impressively lasted.

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told you i would match the cake. my tits were out all through dinner unbeknownst to me but uncle rodge was def feeling it. that tracey shirt is too loose on my birdlike flat chested area despite my hot pink push up bra, it just spills open. enjoy the cleave while it’s there.

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hi again.

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part of these repetitive goony shots was due to my being pumped over bang growth i can now swoop those bastards to the side i think i am going to swoop to the opposite side of my forehead for a change.

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it was delicious.

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it competed with the key lime. the key lime won, i think they were being polite. maybe i wanted to take the rest with me? nope we left it. how did i do though? i know i pissed them off with my box of salad you cannot hide a cleanse or a diet thing. i sipped on white wine, wasn’t worth it but sobriety wasn’t an option. i think if they were more insane and yelly i would have loosened up more. it wasn’t the alcohol it was the stress maybe and tension surrounding the event. we had a spat the day before and it was like do i even go to this at all?

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i was uncomfortable and felt like a bloated frump in my outfit the whole time i had no time to prepare one cos i had laundry to do my odds and ends scattered between mine and teacher’s has been driving me increasingly angry coinciding with this cleanse how odd. it was nice to go back to my normal relaxing ninja outfit. i am in between sizes right now, i think everyone knows what that’s like. it’s a good feeling but you still feel lumpy and out of shape.

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my hair was just barely shorter than this last may. is it a platinum slow growth thing? i know it’s shorter in the back which will make it seem shorter in the front to match up with the shorter back. i had one of those severe modern fresh angled bobs when we cut all my beautiful hair off to make way for platinum only, last may and now it’s showing as my hair grows, being sure to take its sweet ass time.

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stella enjoyed adventurehouse she’s all whaa? curtains and doors and long hallways and all these things to investigate. speaking of advhaus there’s another one of those parties at salvador darling this FRIDAY MAY 6 and it’s our fourth one guys! also the theme is melodie’s birthday. hurrah!

cute posters.

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sorry mel just showed up so my brainpower is going over there oh she’s gone now.

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there were more of these and better but it’s overkill. can’t wait to see what’s on my mystery olympus camera.

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escaped to courtney’s to watch ab fab and talk about myself a lot and then i changed courtney’s entire night. she met a dude at coachella and is in love/lust. i was feelin’ that and got reminiscent.

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the pink one is a piggy bank. siiiiiiiiiiigh

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what a penis. see how low cut that is now picture it sitting down, even worse, and spilling out/open. fine for queen west not for easter dinner. you win some you lose some, i think i did a bit of both.

and now i have lunch with cleanse coach jeanette after i practice lying about (very minimally) cheating.

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i informed everyone i was cleansing sober and crazy before i sang my special raptacular rendition of loser (beck) and then i free-styled the second half it was pretty good actually i don’t know where it came from just out of me, great riffs like mel-o-dee in the melody bar dancing and drinking and playing her guitar. people lost their shit. i had multiple bathroom attacks, the adrenaline and anxiety i suffer from karaoke excitement (yes) is bad enough on its own but throw a bunch of movement pills on that and (that’ll do it) your first time out of being a social paraiah and out of my cage alone on the town with my friends who i have missed and haven’t seen enough of i didn’t need to drink and now that i am over the three day hump i feel better than ever and i am over drinking, as pre-mature easter day time drinking dangers loom ahead of me today, i am confident i will overcome, seeing as i sweated out some of my DTS (jazz hands, the horrors, the shakes) last night at the gladstoner drinking pints of water (the alcohol isn’t the problem with me, it’s the coffee). hot little bartendress of the year lines up the shots of jager for me once she sees us and i had to pass mine to courtney then i ordered a big pint of water MMMM! i hate jager anyway so it wasn’t that hard. it was nice to see the decline of society in that room as the night progressed and the predictable temper flare-ups at singers and singing hopefuls by the karaoke host. courtney remembers his name, i dont. she also hasn’t sent me the best photo of my singing yet cos she is an easter cooking for fifteen stress mess right now.

stu showed up with a gaggle of black mini-dressed mean girls who were more so levack block hopefuls nahmean therefore HATING our punk rocking out. the girl who sang before me did a dude-ish song too then i went and stu was like, it was like HMMM dom skid girls everywhere basically. yeah i never get laid or pick up when i go out cos i regress into shit show vortex and i don’t even require alcohol for this behaviour. another reason of that might be that when the beck lyric went “…and a stain on my shirt.” i got to point the huge glaring gross stain on the front of luc’s shirt i was wearing. she’s cute, she’s sloppy, but she came out of two weeks tree planting. pass.

like i said, manic. you should try it. i remember i had two weeks of sobriety when i lived in oakville and now that i recall, i was pretty damn looney tunes at the time. all in good health right?

happeaster.

this blog is now in the four digits on alexa ranking in canada. that means of the gazillions of websites in existence, I am 9,826. it fluctuates daily and i am obsessed with checking it like stocks. it’s important because through all that social media crap it shows that people are coming here, more and more, my popularity on the webs is climbing. no tricky click-throughs or clicking to “read more” to pump up my numbers, or fake twitter accounts, it’s all true honest interest in all that is me. i have never done anything tricky to get people here. people drop off and on over the years naturally and they remember it, pass it on to others, this is a very very old school means of business. it’s just simple and pure longevity. some a-hole recently commented about if there was a way to get a popular blog without having to be scandalous, nude, controversial, other stuff. i never thought of myself as controversial, i was just following what was going on at the time and going a bit further with it (not personally but according to others) because i am a natural exhibitionist and attention-seeking, but not in an overbearing sucking all the energy out of the room way, just more, i have a presence so i constantly flaunt it a little bit. i am not a wallflower.

ok i have to go now.

krista gets props for the blog title of this post.

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hello summer. heard you were back in town.

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the vitamin dizzle today oh so enriching and helpful. some people got day time drunk today. not i sir, not i. seeing other people inneebs is enjoyable up to a point. i took the pooch for a long walk did a big circuit new stretch of town together it was fun. i don’t have to force myself into digging health and wellness as much it’s just natural now. you get into funny little self mind games to get through it. bit of arrogance. own it. own the strength and will power.

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woah crinkle eyes. sun was in them and i’m not wearing makeup so not so bad hey if i was on survivor i wouldn’t look that rapscallion fraggle rock.

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you are my sunshine.

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this is after my long walk with stella.

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whups a bit see through there.

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having vanilla roobias tea, head a bit sweaty from my brisk walk therefore le hat. the wind up there you know.

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teacher needs to clean up the roof.

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i am putting my vote in for some nice loungers, hotel pool grade. mmhmm. bringing my tan back.

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blah doye.

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perma tired face though i gave good face earlier at easy.

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pre mac is back in action. missed her.

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she was all tanned too. her outfit was very orthodox wifey, black stockings in the sun, hair kerchief, yuh yuh my jam baby, j date hell ya. ha.

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my stupid experience at easy, no, smug experience. ordered all sides. horriblest orderer i apologized profusely. grilled green tomatilles, sprout hot pepper salad minus the hot peppers and then a pile of leaves then a cup of olive oil. i left kind of fuming. meanwhile skid row degenerates teacher and pre mac are having hair of the dogs and there was a lot of giggling it was funny but then i cleansed wigged out and took off to advhaus on my own (i’m not wearing any underwear i have to go!) then collected weird pieces of clothing (the disorganization of my stuff right now is also making me crazy).

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and first day of spring “needs” like will i be wearing the right clothing? just shut up and get out there basically. so nice and balmy right.

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my hair was insane.

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stella and i do a good clip. i might start running with her even.

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emo tunnel.

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it was sunny i swear it.

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HIPSTER DOG!

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doot deet doot.

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some real artists out there.

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see? so retarded. i ate my green tomatoes before i could photograph them. ever lovely.

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BUT! i didn’t feel logy afterward you know when you go for hangover brunch and then you’re all nappy and gross and baby sluggish whiny afterward? nope not i sir off i went, so light and free.

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i looked like this.

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i’ve dropped the ball on my nails at the moment. don’t have my girl products here like the extras so when they chip i just add weirdness. need to go see minx asap.

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harry potter is terrible. so boring. so draggy. so dark. how is this enjoyable i asked myself between almost dozing out completely.

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ugh meanwhile.

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i can have sweet potato so had a bit of sweet pot from fresh. these onions are quinoa battered, which i can also have, and onions are good for me right now or everything, kill all bacteria jeanette says. already over quinoa by the way haha it looks so weird in the bag eh. like goosebumps. ew. i also had a salad, that’s miso gravy (yum) which i added to sweet potato soup today and vegan mayo. assume that is also fine by my dietary restrictions. i think health nuts are so strangleable though just going to throw that in there. i have a large glass jug of spring water on its way to me v soon too. yeah it’s very special water too. hahaa.

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yesterday felt cuckoo bananas. everyday feels cuckoo bananas. parkdale is getting crazier cos of the warmth everyone is out and about.

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sensory overload maybe? coming out of our winter nests.

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might go to a show at the great hall, might not. might be good to stretch my legs though. i can always leave early if i get annoyed. which i will, then i will.

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ok a new person just showed up have to be hosty now byeeee.

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feeling better today and great actually. it’s going to be 19 yay!

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i’m buying a new outfit later, after brunch. fun fun.

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jeanette says you can get this big bag of sunflower greens delivered, 18 bucks. pretty decent. can’t stop thinking about them, some were in my fresh salad last night.

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view from the east end. the rooftop across the way is pretty neat, too cold to spend much time out there spying on it all though.

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i’m grappling with my body lately (clearly obviously and always) but i am more accepting of a bit of a bigger look (conditionally) once in awhile, if in the right outfit. bonnie women are coveted by men, older men specifically (not the weirdos though) to have meat on your bones can look good for sure, in the face too, makes you look younger. fat can be useful. my mom said when you age if you lose weight it just makes you look tired and older. truth. so you have to do it gradually. i’ve yo yo’d weight on and off like crazy and i always notice it right beneath my eyes. anyway this photo is just a pervy close-up, i hate close ups especially when i smile cos then i am all face and i usually have bits of wild hair all over so then it’s like fat beaming face and yeah, just fat. but to dudes, this is exactly what they want. drives me mad.

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she’s all, the cleanse doesn’t start til tomorrow. so i pretty much starved myself all day for nothing. fantastic. hook me up with some salad please and don’t bother with the feta i am serious about beginning restrictions stat.

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here’s where it all kinda starts to sink in.

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let me introduce you to my present hell. there are multiple possible reasons as to why i haven’t gone yet aside from day one. a lot of it is psychosomatic for sure, i can no longer blame cramping on my iud now that that thing is gone so i have to face the music, DO i possibly have a food allergy or something? why do i become phenomenally bloated more than a week ahead of my period? is it genetic? women on my mom’s side of the fam have the propensity to turn into bowling balls in the stomach. the amount of fluctuation i experience over the course of a month is just retarded and for someone who blogs incessantly i am certain it is annoying and boring as ever to hear every month. i don’t normally eat fruit and yesterday i made shakes so. blah.

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the monster refuels.

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woah i was pretty serious about this salad.

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i had seconds too.

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this is the morning after pill i wake up to and then take again at night. SEVEN TIMES. with tons of water. i am bloated all day long. FUN. i need to buy a mumu for tomorrow seems like that is what my outfit is going to be.

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intestinal drawing formula capsules – soothes and lubricates – draws and eliminates toxins from the entire intestinal tract, pleasant, and that’s not even about the movement pills i am also taking. i would advise you not to try any of what i am doing unless under the guidance of a cleanse coach, but it’s a free country so haha good luck.

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these are my blue socks. this is me wearing them.

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eating and listening. stress eating maybe.

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i am a champ. it’s true. i can and will do anything.

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more listening. seriously. this is a serious thing.

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going over the guide now. it’s four pages. seems daunting but isn’t.

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what’s more daunting is giving up your social life. you get over it eventually. you realize how much you live how hard and fast and you consider everyone you know and what they’re up to and fuck there’s 52 weeks in the year it is ok to drop off for two of them.

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jeannette is super cute and spacey and smart and her nails are impeccable. good genes and good living proves itself. her teeth too? oh my god don’t get me started, perfect and beautiful. i am a teeth snob can you tell? fingernails too, and ankles hahaa i also have nothing but disdain for ill-fitting leather jackets. i should just write a loooong list of NO’s.

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then when i’m done all my pills i take these, at the end of the cleanse or week one, i’m still not done there’s more and then i can only have liquid food. that’s where the real work begins. so uh, this part, isn’t work?

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no i never stop.

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those are my between meals pills. like better than any salad in toronto could give you all the nutrients in the universe. so, why then, don’t people just eat pills for food, so much more efficient right. the monkey wrench is that whole lifestyle thing, how fun is it going to dinner at your favourite restaurant to be greeted with a plate of pills to swallow with water. buh-oring.

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we are dependent on food for so much more than just eating and consuming it. it’s the entire experience surrounding the food, absolutely. even with boozing too, buying an outfit for the bar you’re getting sloshed at that night, getting ready, pre-drinking with buds. all the time involved in that hour spent at wherever FOR that hour could be days and when you don’t have to socialite anymore then you have so much extra free time to annoy and irritate yourself and everybody around you. what do you do?

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so, to summarize, the mental hurdles involved in a cleanse-gradual-fast, are epic, and you are too weak for that apparently according to my comments. i knew i could do this (pre-bragging) because i already took on my scheduled personal training workouts, i thrive on challenges, mental, physical, i am image obsessed (we’ll come back to this later on) and focused so it matters what goes in me and how many jumping jacks i do. we are dealing with a person who has never really restricted themselves before and if they did they sought out alternate avenues to satiate thy inner demon. i could never go to an ashram. i would love to, but i could never be one of those REAL minimalists that pompous a-holes like to parade around as. yes total minimalist with that $8k weird sofa in the middle of your spacious empty loft you just had to have to, what why again? sounds like a need fulfillment right there plus all your shit is in a storage locker anyway. or at your mom’s. what i’m saying is, i got lotsa ISSUES dudes and i am coming off alcohols and caffeine (constant headache from this) and food (yet totally bloated) and i just want to take a s—! please!

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i want to go peek inside. i have a suspicion it might have slid over to one of the sides of the box and i wonder if it’s shaved white chocolate on top. wait’ll you see the picture.

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i think this may be the culprit to my immense and immediate cramping? oh well so far so good you live and you learn.

now here you go mom, the finale of my shake making. is she the only one reading my blog (and commenting) today? hello? assholes talk to me. i know it’s easter and passover and all that crap you have to pretend to care about but you can at least slip away for a second and tell me you like me thanks.

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me and my i am a nice girl cake. WHAT I AM A FUCKING NICE GIRL RAAAAAH!

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it’s like i am obsessed or something. so many people out and about today. lovely lovely yuppies. now what? i want to ask them. you have it all, right down to your bjorn stroller or whatever the hell that two thousand dollar thing is called. what i am actually obsessed with is liberty village. this one woman pushing her stroller and her severe face and her perfect husband, both so perfect, forced perfection though. her entire being seemed devoted to that exact good friday coupledom moment crossing our path fresh from starbucks, in the perfect planned neighbourhood’s sun. what that scene’s actually calling for is some good restaurants though that’s when it will all go to shit. when it’s a trend it’s the end. like how ossington doesn’t know it’s over yet? too bad.

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getting bananas from a ghetto variety store in parkdale. tis the life.

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hi teacher’s mother. what are my intentions with your boy? i have no idea what you are talking about.

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i come in peace. bearing a cakey gift.

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didn’t want a too marzipany flavour (for them, i don’t get to have any) so i didn’t get one of these little guys. the vanilla one in the back was calling to me, not as much as the pink though of course. mrs. pristine said it was the big seller, v spring, these ones. but we have ten people to share with so a bigger one was what i settled on, not too showy but a little bit showy i know. i am pretending to be flustered and nervous about it. i like the variety of little cakes and cupcakes and other such colourful delicacies but it’s too expensive and then you HAVE to buy ten just in case right? with a cake there is definitely a solidarity of no i don’t want a slice for at least a couple folks so you cover your ass with a cake always.

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sigh. raspberry vanilla mousse. oh god, unfair.

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cb also has these gorgeous white antique looking white chocolate cookies? i dunno. i stayed away as much as i could. when i can’t have something there is no point in tempting myself which is hypocritical with all this food i am posting about ughhh. my fresh is here now so i gotta wrap this up.

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drinking this at the moment. i just offered some to teacher and was like it’s pretty gay. what’s the point you know? i guess this is the point. people who can’t have caffeine. cleanse coach said i have to change my mentality, don’t think like i am being deprived. ok then i’ll think of it as a crash budget.

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bloomin onion and quinoa. i am already over quinoa. i need more spices and flavours other than firey spicy stuff.

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tasty stuff though. bought new fancy mustard. xx hot. not even that hot. delicious secret base of many many things i’ve concocted.

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not supposed to have vinegar. whups.

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i am over the no booze thing already. what i’ve gleaned is, caffeine is my trouble area holy monster madness without it.

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i need to do my makeup right when i go to brennen demelo cos he blows my bangs out all like that and then it’s major under eye bags showcase especially on day one of a cleanse. i’m sorry i am being so irritating right now i can’t help it just come back in two weeks.

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brennen is going away for a bit but when he gets back will be doing blow-dry boot camps again (on sundays) which i will definitely be attending, teacher’s pet much ha. anyway chatelaine wrote about them even i asked how that happened and he said he just wrote to the editor. that blew my mind, that’s how i used to do it way back when, emailing everyone i could think of at magazines, pitching myself and my writing. i have to go back to emailing people cold-call style, it’s simple really. takes a bit of pizazz though.

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brought my own tea.

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hi shawna! ever so cute as always.

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i don’t remember the orig name of this cat and i feel like a nerd when i call her by the one i gave it. i think maybe we’ll call her the barfer and the other one the sneezer.

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my cajun rosemary chicken who even remembers the f what else blend. was delicious. naturally.

i make crazy eyes in this one right off the bat.

as you were.

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i am cramping up like mad right now i think i am about to blow. i can’t blame it on my iud anymore, well, there’s working out a possibility of abdominal cramps. i am wildly hypochondria-city. uhh nope it’s what i think it is. may day. the teacher is laughing at me right now “the journey has begun” oh f—–k! if you could only see my jaw grinding teeth clenches right now and the moaning and lamaz style breathing i had no idea i was in store for this. anyway here i am making a shake.

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i just made shake smoothies. and took more ass pills. ahhaha. i am losing it for sure.

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i do feel a heightened sense of sensitivity to stimuli, like i just threw a tune on that i like and i am 50% less bitchy than before, in a happier mood. stuff like that. going out to get non caffeine tea from starbucks made me happier too. the sunshine. the cheese boutique jaunt. to get an easter cake. i have to show up teacher’s mom. god i hope his parents never see my blog.

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we went to cb to get fruit. everywhere else is closed. colleague told me they were open and rammed. good insider info. one guy there asked me if i was working or shopping heh. had to turn down so many samples though, i felt bad. teacher was in a daze and also turned some cheese down and i whisper hissed BE NICER these are my people, i’m their girl, don’t you get it? it’s true, i feel watched there or just like, maybe everywhere but especially there so i try to be unassuming meanwhile wearing top gun glasses. mega-diva.

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ugh here comes a huge cramp wave.

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i discovered at the motion room today that my fat days (today) are what my skinny days used to look like. that’s pretty good no?

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i am going to be styling my sunday outfit theme after the cake i bought from cb today. you love it.

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bombshell eyes. remind me to start wearing falsies. i have a post-cleanse reward list i am building. i just made up a new term: mascary-a.

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he told me to jump around. blurry town is the outcome.

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shake baby.

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in the beginning it was low energy bitchitude. we were crashing.

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ok cramping out hardcore i have to deal with this now ha see you on the other side.

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day 2 of cleanse and i’m about as smart and creative as i’ve felt when in a deep depression, not too swift on the uptake of anything right now. i went to bed at 9.30pm, the eve of a statutory holiday, no party for this girl. i am a crabby psycho bitch and time is going really real slow. why the hell does this have to happen at chocolate time? (easter) i’ve never obsessed about food longer or more than i am right now. my caffeine withdrawal headache went away but now it’s back again and i think i might be getting sick? though i might have invented that, i did have the chills last night for a bit and have them now. all kinds of interesting things are to come out of me pretty soon. am i even doing this right? i’m pretty schizophrenic at the moment, that’s what cleansing does to you. thoughts and emotions all over the place. no i cannot and will not come to whatever fabulous thing is going on tonight sorry, said in most gritchy tone ever. you have to be social though otherwise you will just go insane. so we’re going to comedy tonight lets see how funny people are when i am sober. i am so fun bobby, it’s terrible. yesterday i learned that i cannot moke-say the eed-way to deal as there’s no caffeine to cut the burn out with which is why i was comatose by 9. total wiener. i need to think outside the box more, think like a fitness freak, a healthy person, what do they actually do with themselves all day long?

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the teacher is home cos of good friday and i am trying to abuse him as little as possible. he is steaming my broccoli. he is doing it wrong. i would have done it myself but i have very little energy you see, what reserves i’ve got are there for whining moaning complaining pouting phantom crying and opening and closing the fridge while sighing profusely. he also had the audacity to go mmmm and smack his lips after a sip of coffee. i am pretty close to going on a holy war tirade about cigarette smoking too. fine. run away to your cigarette your crutch to get through life, blindly. i’ve been planning it in my head for days now hahaha. his not drinking out of solidarity with me last night lasted under an hour, some vodka made its way into his 7up. who drinks 7up anyway are you eleven? did we steal change from mom’s purse and ride bikes to the part of town we’re not allowed to go to yet to get it? haHHa ok broccoli’s ready see when i sees ya.

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more torture. when you go to the deli have your meat cut into big slabs then cube it up and voila, super fun and easy meat source stirfry injection.

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homemade special habanero from nick. super hot. the best. i’m holding off on the heat for the next little bit i don’t want it coming out of me super hot and fast if you know what i mean.

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teacher bought me another bouqet yesterday when he went on a metro run. it’s widely known that with me “he is fucked” because i am an intoxicating trophy pill. his friends and colleagues have all said they’ve never seen him behave in such a manner before with a person. we have a good laugh over that. it’s funny to me just that, i had this hyperly (by my own doing) exposed relationship before and i painted him like a saint and myself like a crazy, like i am this difficult person to be with for 5 years and i don’t know why i did that. i am quite lovely, or was, now that i think back on it. now though? freak show maybe. the point is there are these special little things about me that if you get to experience them, “you are fucked”.

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i’m a terror and a monster and lovely, charming. pretty much every single range you could think of. i am relaxed and free. comfortable. teacher says he no longer reads my blog scared, as if another date will pop up. i haven’t been dating, i never said it was gonna stop but, for the moment i’m fine just doin’ this thing. i can’t conceivably date during a two week cleanse now can i? i broke my first cleanse attempt over summer, three days in come night i decided to hit up cafe taste. i let this guy pay for all of it. 1. lives in markham 2. shorter than what he said on his profile. it’s like guys don’t know how to measure or something, i swear. i wanted to punch him in the face. he’s like don’t break your fast for me, ok lets go out then. like what, i’m going to hang around a park with your short arse? get fucked! i am getting really angry right now haha.

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see the bouqet is fuller now? that’s me crazy cooking last night, was supposed to go to farmer’s market, didn’t. etc so on so needed food i COULD eat.

pray for mojo.

oh.

in honour of easter, how did jesus pick up so many chicks?

he was HUNG LIKE THIIIIIIIIIIIS.

Peace be with you!