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everyone’s blown away (i am blown away) by how fit i am now and pointing fingers/trying to figure out who to give credit to. i say everyone. plus that cleanse helped set it off.

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i said actually the real transformation began 3 months ago when James told me to watch what i eat, i wasn’t, well i was but there’d be a lot of bender puncturing involved, i’d get down to a skinny raymi then drink and eat my face off for a week, get my period, get skinny, go on another bender and so on. i stopped doing that. nutrition and fitness go hand in hand, working out will only take you so far and after that, it’s salad time fatty.

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i have never sprinted in the motion room before, why does tyler get to sprint? i want to sprint.

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so lets sprint. dude can run. i was not expecting that. not that tyler can run but, i blew my load three times giving it my all to keep speed with him and i did but woah, tyler were you secretly dying too?

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when i was done i went to andrew (my trainer) and was like sorry i had to show off some running there.

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he understood.

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i love running. i go running with stella. i only run if there are people present to see it happen though haha. one day soon i will go out specifically to run, not to walk the dog a bit then run jog then walk then jog, you know how it is oh it’s the drake better start running by there’s people on the patio ahaha sometimes i do bike jumps exclusively when i hit beaconsfield, if there was more of a curb or construction asphalt bump in the road i could jump it easier but yeah, now you know to look for me.

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ooh definition. definitely.

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i have so many pictures of tyler and myself from the week i could make fitness pr0n. no wait i already do.

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that’s cutie kash. she is hardcore. tried to make me do burpees once cos i was late which i immediately blew up on cos IT WAS COLLEAGUE’S FAULT that day. i find it humorous that one (i) should see burpees as any form of punishment as for the next hour i’ll be punished by other tortuous physical means, it’s oranges and oranges here people.

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i just have problems with authority.

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in-between exercising during your one-on-one session there is more exercising (lazy ass) we are here for an hour and we are going to squeeze everything out of those 60 minutes so this is me jumping on the bosu and i always try to dismount like a figure skater.

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i suck at lunges because i hate them. on normal ground they are annoying enough, but on the bosu they are way more difficult and luckily i am addicted to challenges so i will still do them. i like perfecting things.

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i’ve never done push ups like these. i super sucked when i first joined TMR and now i can do them, i am stronger and that is awesome. i’m training to be a cage fighter. haha no, just to look good naked. simple as that but if i have to defend you in a knife fight, well la-dee-da, i can.

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it’s nice when you join you get to show off how much you suck or rule at certain movements, exercises. you want to impress the trainer so there’s that motivating you but you also want to impress yourself and go ok self, how sloppy are we here? people delude themselves like crazy, we think we’re skinnier than we are or look good in that certain thing to hide the fact that we’re NOT thin blah blah etc basically, super cool style will not help your squatting ability.

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it seems retarded to squat again and again and again but it’s not. when done right and with a trainer correcting your position you feel all the right parts of your body react to the squat and then you like it, and do it again as i near the end of my reps i fire my core and breathe heavier like a dog and really give’r.

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crunches on a bosu are super effective. picture your spine like a potato bug curling un-curling now picture your (MY!) rippling torso and abdominals being agreeable to each crunch, your spine leaving the bosu and lifting up following your hands up toward the ceiling.

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funny, it doesn’t look like much but it’s a lot and it’s not even that hard.

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another cool thing you learn about working with a personal trainer is, there’s lots of talking (if you want it) in there as you learn each other and they see how far they can push you. if you get an idea while doing your leg lifts or tricep extensions, speak up and have a chat, ask that thing about what to eat in the morning.

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i am a magician.

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those were too heavy for my sweaty hands so i needed dumbbells.

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we’re doing the same thing but i am on the bosu.

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oh man i know that burn. i wonder how tyler is feeling on his days off. sore still?

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hey budday!

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lots of blue balls at the motion room haha i just typed moron room.

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i need more aerobics wear. my roots shirt is becoming frayed. i wore it out to home depot yesterday (when we almost murdered each other deciding on roof plants don’t ask)(married people life is depressing and suffocating and shit like domestic chores and errands can like, end a relationship) because i am too lazy to figure out real outfits anymore. it’s so much work this fashion bullshit, this is why i am sculpting myself into a torpedo so i can wear booty shorts with sports bras and pretend i just came from the gym always, constantly. people in normal people clothes look at me and 1. feel dumpy 2. get out of my way because i seem more in control, which i am, because i am wearing ninjathletica and i can run with a tropical flower tree in a pot and you can’t.

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ugh the thing on my shoulder. i had 5 (not covered) treatments and all they did was make it worse and bigger. my dad says i have to get plastic surgery to remove it. arg. so like if i’m going to go to the trouble of doing that i may as well get a nose job.

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how long til i get a plastic surgery sponsorship like xiaxue.

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damn girl.

see how a bit of my bangs are slightly tinted, that’s from makeup then sweating. how you can get around not sweating, wearing makeup and working out while being photographed, lemme know. maybe if i wore a bunny mask.

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i said f– blogging! there are no words, only muscles! in arnold voice.

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i do a good arnold.

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yeah i don’t think you managed to capture any of the skinny i was attempting to convey here. moron. moron room indeed.

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planks be sweepin’ the nayshe.

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yeah pretty much right. both my frigging elbows are still bloody scabby from wednesday’s planking. tyler bring a towel for floor exercises if you want to feel more comfortable (be a hello kitty princess like me).

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i hate these too. sometimes i don’t eat before working out (i am retarded what can i say) so i lose a bit of energy and the only energy i have left is what’s in my brain so i am quite literally giving it my all when i exercise.

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see.

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when you squat down let the tail of your spine follow the ball and curve beneath, which is what aids you in squatting, putting your bum back. sometimes i press into that ball so hard i think i am going to pop the thing and it sort of feels like cheating to use it to climb your way back up to standing position again except it’s not cheating, it’s your core strength doing the majority and i have abs to prove it.

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i’d like to say any nay-sayer do 36 of these, 20 pounds in each hand, yeah. by my last rep my left leg got all jazz jangly on me, sometimes your arms will also tremble like wild, that means your exercise is working.

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supermans. for your abs.

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hey look i’m the rio de janeiro jesus.

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i do have a little bit of a messiah complex it’s true.

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oh hi there.

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exercising gave me a confidence i didn’t have before, i mean, i had tons before but fitness confidence is a special kind. people take you a little more seriously in that they ask you about exercise and then you surprise yourself by knowing what the hell it is you’re talking about and then if you feel like going for a jog you’re like damn straight, i jog now. it might have taken me an entire summer to get the courage to go for a run, yes i am that afraid of things which is why i try not to think, i just act and then let the panic attack hit me while i’m out on the street instead.

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because i am so cerebral, some of the ladder stuff is hard for my brain that early in the day, my equilibrium is “special” so doing side to side stuff makes the world get crooked and tipsy. is this early-stage dementia sign? meh. so i turn some of these into dance moves but keep them low and aerobics-y. if jazz and aerobics got in a fight who would win?

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or this into water skiing.

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hahahah.

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piece a cake.

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then i showed off some soccer ability.

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andrew asked if i played. nope. i’m just naturally athletic.

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hacky sack that mawf-r

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i played soccer on the beach in mexico with all these euro stud dudes from spain, italy, all over. i was topless in gino shorts and super tanned, diving in the sand, saves, steals whatever you call it, i was scraped and bloody sandy by game’s end (played daily) from all the shells and rocks, pretty burly, one soccerhead comes up to me and says you play like man. as in i am very good. i tell this story ALL the time it’s one of my top ten proudest moments ever.

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ooh shit what’ll it be?

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how many push ups?

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it landed on 12. i went down for two just to keep the gag running.

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after stretch.

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this part is the best. people just give right in. for the rest of the day you feel amazing. with or without a stretch. work out days make me feel amazing afterward. tyler says he is already loving the change, this experience a lot. knew it. i told him he would become addicted very fast, like me, he has an unconventional routine/lifestyle, we just tumbleweeds blowing in the charmed good life breeze (yeah yeah his tumbleweed plays stadiums) so we love just a little bit of structure, need it, require it in order to continue the circus freak other shit we do, day in day out.

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it helps you handle stress, become a more focused and patient person, feeling better, looking better, vitality, all good things. we’re not getting any younger and unhealthy living isn’t chic forever nor does its glamour affect one’s beauty in any sort of good way. IMO this is my one last chance to turn it all around and be a hot starlet, a hot anything, everything, and the only way that’s going to happen is by good nutrition and exercise, the RIGHT kind of exercise. if you had the chance and opportunity to do that for yourself, you would be the stupidest person on the planet to me if you turned it down. if you’ve never been pretty or fit and if by some chance don’t value that at all, never ever fantasize about a year as a fit person, doing trashy talk show before and after photo circuits, getting some strange accented man at an all exclusive to plough you for a week, come on lady, don’t tell me you wouldn’t do half a year’s work to achieve that. don’t tell me summer isn’t coming AGAIN next year, because it is.

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i want to know the back story of this.

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punk rock exercise.

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friends should exercise together. that’s what friends are for. i see some of my friends aging and drinking like we is kids and it scares me a little, only for vanity purposes but no deep down i know there’s a lot of bad substance abuse partying that obviously should not be occurring but at the very least should be offset by some healthy activities. if you enjoy getting wasted together then you should enjoy getting wasted on endorphins together.

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all it takes is a little push.

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here we are wednesday, tyler’s second day of assessment.

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and a taste of the bosu.

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toe taps.

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here comes the swedish assassin. yup, ass ass in.

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james is cheeky.

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joseph is making me use the steering wheel weights. hard.

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tyler can see through time. i knew precisely what he is feeling here. bit of spacing out and dizziness, yes? fade to black.

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i did a lot of sweating this morning, sleigh bells and css concert was the night before. i sweated out a few shots of vodka and wine.

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i am a cult fanatic of the movie coming to america. it shows in my hairdo.

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andrew is cheating on me with mara back there. hmmph. fine.

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needed more weight.

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tyler ditched his shoes.

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i hovered on over.

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work is work, guy. inspiring.

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my nails are sooo long now i am obsessed. can’t see that here though, just my polish (cupid by revlon top speed).

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aaaand this would be how i f–d up my elbows.

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THIS PICTURE IS WORTH IT.

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holy moly.

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yum!

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get that form down.

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flat back.

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hitch hike on the bosu. i heard tyler giggling at these. hey me too guy.

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wind each arm back as far as you can, this is so the trainer can see how far you can wind your arms around backward like a flightless bird.

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and balance.

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your first day will tell you how good YOU are too and then you’ll be like damnit, i can be better, i will be better.

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hell ya.

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and it’s fun.

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addictive and challenging.

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ugh i look like garbageface kids. haha. but look i’m on the screen so at least one of us looks good.

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tyler’s first day in the showdown room. bit nerve racking. but also exciting cos it’s go time. in showing up you have already decided to get fit and be fit so it doesn’t really matter what the readings say (weight, body fat %) because THAT person will be no more.

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i burst into tears during my second retest. it can get frustrating but it’s also a lesson, a bold face reality. that’s when i started eating better.

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the weigh in. i say it’s 4lbs heavier. or maybe it’s just that I am four pounds heavier (likely the case).

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they’re fitting us for matching unitards.

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ok you get the point.

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ultrasound. tyler it’s a boy!

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tyler did really well at this. maintained 60% for the entire duration. whatever that means.

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i really hate this test.

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gotta do it though.

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toe toucher!

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i have improved on everything by the way in case you were wondering.

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me and my braids.

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shannon and i catching up on our gossip.

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that woman is sprinting.

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grey is the worst colour for sweating.

ok that’s enough ugly pictures of me today i gotta go the family is coming and there’s still so much to do aghhhhhh.

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it’s true, black forest cake IS an abomination to all things cake. there’s why.

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gotta go, lying in the sun, can’t really see the screen have to enjoy this day as it’s supposed to rain tomorrow and also have to magically clean the tower whilst enjoying said sun. watched the roommate last night, holy cuckoo bananas and exact same premise as SWF, to which i am also an expert as i’ve got TONS of single white females up in ma grill. ew i just took an ancient pillowcase off of an even ancienter pillow and i have never seen a more disgusting pillow. this is why i am spring clean beaver fever insane, guy has been living like a bachelor sans pretty princess and so there is a lot of work to do (family coming over tomorrow did i say that already?) on top of honeymoon slob stage that happens, double disaster. stella keeps territorial pissing (hey that’s a nirvana song) everywhere (even though i take her out daily and bag her shit) intermittently, is it an aging thing? i am not a dog person so, but don’t worry, there’s two retarded cats here also to fill that void. lady garbage has a song now, to the tune of lady madonna, with garbage at her feet. the other one, her eyes look in opposite directions and i love it.

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i must be a really old person like prehistoric times old (‘notha lives and shit) cos i am into legs on dudes, dude’s legs whom when in their underwear look all neanderthal manly hot. like so.

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ahh can’t stop blogging.

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drive to tmr.

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when the sun goes down this post will go up. my neck is already getting broiled. sunstroke!

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ahhhh he just put the umbrella up i can see now! no more glare.

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i love my new office.

make all your emails to me awesome, you never know, i may just reply in vlog-form. haha i’m playing this right now and stella is looking around for me even though i’m sitting right here my voice is being broadcast directly INSIDE HER MIND.

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hahahaha flattering. don’t worry, new ‘kinis are coming my way. wonder if i should stay tan lineless this year? should i make my signature tan lines again for the movie? maybe i should ask them first and now that it’s back to raining we have at least one more day of alabaster on our hands.

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i cannot believe how long this phone has lasted me. it’s going to totally blow up soon. i am such a cheapskate procrastinator waiting on shannon and i’s schedule to align so i can take her unused blackberry off her. speak of the devil my phone rang and then said reset app and now it’s hourglassing its balls off on me now shit. i bet it was teacher calling. yes bring home more presents you don’t have to call to ask me about that.

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vive le shithead.

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i call for doing nothing tonight!

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this sunset brought to you by mcdonalds.

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i told the teacher the story about the first day i wore these tube flops. what an event. it’s like floating 3D acid trip arrows were all hovering around my legs pointing down, NEW ITEM! LOOK! i practically ran home from the dovercourt starbucks with my bodum passed the parkdale regular fare also totally like what!!? about my fluorescent in their face feet. tubular.

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gahah what is that? it’s like a rainbow bright fitness warlock.

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no i think i’m steering more toward dog the bounty hunter territory now. i mean, i can run and we both have wavy blond hair and all kinds of weird shit dangling off us. flare. flair? meh. this joke is over.

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you are dating hello kitty. what is that like?

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scary, intense, awesome, like dating a pile of pink sugar what speaks. i think largely why i get away with showing my tits is because i don’t have any. i can’t tell you how many people mistake me for a guy on youtube. f-rs.

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this hoodie is now too big for me a little. it’s my elliot (ET) hood.

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teacher wants it back in rotation. teacher teacher teacher haha. i will consider it.

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watched charlie sheen’s winning recipes video (i love it)(yes OLD). half the gibberish that spills out of him man, hilarious. so raymi. good thing i don’t smoke.

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yep. gonna be a good summer.

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i sense mystery camera’s fullness but i just flipped on MY laptop and nothing happened. i’m using teacher’s new macbook pro. trying to get over mac learning curve. ARG. ACK!

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casie’s blog gave me the idea for roof grass. but fake, astroturf. good idea?

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check my calf muscle i’m not even flexing it that’s normal stance. GYMNASTY FANTASY.

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lesbo soccer bait.

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having some family over sunday means must clean everything. EH VEH RAY THEENG. i feel like a bike ride. i must prepare myself for my work out now. i am ready for them (it’s tyler’s first real work out). i am listening to someone precariously slide/shove a piece of junk mail under the door right meow cos i won’t answer it and stella keeps low growl/barking and i keep shushing her in my underwear. COOL MOMENT!

to kill the party to. they usually put this one on at the end of the night, everyone starts grinding, the bride’s family becomes horrified and the honeymoon begins. congrats you two, what a lovely couple!

friday dance offs, now on.

and this is how we dealt.

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in my raymi speak i was all, baby do the thing (connect photobooth to the tv) with the stuff (mirror image that shit webcam time) and show the lisas what fun is like.

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at first a bit hesitant as well as collective hangover brain damage but once it was set up they “got” “it” pretty quick.

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hahah yeah.

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my big head is on lisa’s body.

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lol you can’t find me.

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where’d that arm come from??

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no need to show off, keep it understated.

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floating hipster things!

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awwwwwwww! floaty cat.

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she was quickly not into this. cameo over.

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agh i’m hallucinating the cheshire cat as a brainiac.

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yikesicles.

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hey look we found a missing baldwin.

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coffee tawlk time. ack! (cathy comic) we ack a lot now. it’s a new thing we do. you wouldn’t understand. also this blog is so turning into a friends spin-off lol.

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that lisa (lisa’s bf james) is to lisa what i am to teacher. we’re the ernies. blaha.

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speaking of that shirt is quite bert. so bert.

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ORIGINAL CONTENT CONSTANTLY IT KILLS ME.

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i’ve been putting teacher through the lauren white celebrity diet of lovesickness and abuse and it’s working for him. he’s all model-y now. you’re welcome. invoice is in the mail.

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these are all in order so you can see concepts develop and ideas take form and the progression of intelligence and degeneration, respectively.

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why thanks i’d LOVE some!

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it’s so beauty and the beast to me, inanimate objects come to life. that’s why i like it so much. for now.

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alright it’s monster time.

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ok i’m getting stir crazy gonna breeze through these make up your own captions.

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honey my back hurts.

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they wouldn’t shut up about how ugly i am in this beetlejuice shrunken head picture. when they see the swan go ug duckling they make sure to point it out. assholes.

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i was trying to be as unsexy as possible in general to ward off room boners kay? kayballs? duhhballs! DUH! fucking duH!

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mission accomplished. teeth are still awesome.

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shitty rollercoaster rules!

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gahahahahhahaa

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givin’er at yellowstoner no bigz-a-lot. pourin’ out some waterfall there son.

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AHHHH! it’s a mummy ghost albino thing from the forest.

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help i fell down the waterfall. wheeee splash! so real!

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blaahah shitty idea. BEST IDEA. stupidea i come from the land of.

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be wary of those minxes. modern day medusas.

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this was tricky to balance.

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holding it for three seconds.

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gettin bored now what more booze run. friggin rain ya frigger!

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the heat is in the kitchen.

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spying.

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shitty effect.

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i support thee. i back you.

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hair band. rain hair day.

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candle took forevererererereer.

ok doggy time.