welcome to my version of drunk history. it’s like that except psychic so listen in!

i’ve only seen the preview for bridesmaids two times. i have a very good memory for pop culture, insights and clairvoyance in general, i had absolutely no idea about the plot or storyline and i get it all pretty close to right. cinema is just predictable for me and obvious. i pay too closely attention to everything. the cab driver said to me as i was getting out to make more movies. aw bless him.

i do whiney socialite voice when i’m shy in public. watch!

and then i finally acquire the knowledge and the power and the opinions.

i liked the love interest, dude was hot and irish accented (irish right?) anyway, it was good but it wasn’t great and that’s only because i have standards so high michael scorsese couldn’t even tap dance with a chicken to appease them. no i am not this dumb sounding in real life, i’m doing airhead frazzled raymbo and uh, you figure it out.

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i was so tired yesterday i reached a new epic low (victory) by lying down and putting on makeup. so far the laziest i’ve ever been in doing that is sitting up on the couch with a mirror on my clavicle and doing it that way. this is my new favourite lazy means. 180 degrees on your back then when you’re waiting for your base to dry you can just catch a mini-nap, a little break from all that application. i amaze myself. yes. still do. i know.

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my flat stomach serves as a good vanity table. someone on youtube called me chubby. i AM chubby right now, too much wine and pms-stretch omg again already. ack!

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i look like cocoon.

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i am glad that movie exists so i can use it to explain myself for the duration of my platinum days.

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gym rat day. see you later.

*registration for commenting now turned off so the zero comments you’re making may now commence.

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lisa and i are going to pick up where the new kids left off. i am already on board with adopting the rat tail, afterall.

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we caught up with her on ossington and saw her pink pants immediately then started screaming out pink pants PINK PANTS PINK PANTHER! at her.

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me this morning aka WHY IS RAYMI AWAKE THIS EARLY? EDITION. passport office dealings with finally. i paid extra to have it ready by the 9th. pick-up. the mail may or may not be striking, which was the glitch i stumbled upon saturday amid cuckoo bananas errands afternooning. having a trip booked looming over you without your docs in order, uhmm, stressful. real people stuff is hard.

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yesterday morning chez le motion room. going to be after some new gym duds all around new fitness attire (HOOK IT UP) as i have shrunken and am swimming in loose lycra and i want to show my flat gymnast physique off and like save babies from burning buildings and shit.

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bought some yuppie chow haha wait isnt that an actual dog food brand? i was just ripping on yuppies, oh, ok, right, puppies. got it.

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i have gone over in my head how to address this or whether to numerous times and have come to the conclusion that “i don’t give a” is the best route and maybe nevermind? no i didn’t eat the whopper but it was amazing to see a man walk up to you with a shopping bag full of whoppers. hey, you gotta make friends somehow.

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pre mac was weirded out by teacher’s face. she is used to his glasses. i have been championing face time all along so it’s nothing new to me now. well, to be honest, i rock a bit of shyness so i don’t stare at people i spend a lot of time with in the face much, maybe some quick sneaks here or there but i don’t make habit of staring problems OH MY GOD YOU COMPLETE ME LET ME STAAAAAAARE INTO THE VERY BELLY OF YOUR SOUL (unless i am on mdma). so hi face, with me now, is like, yeah i know, finally, thaynks. i know i sound like a monster and that is because i am. but he’s annoying too ok. we’re starting to turn on each other cos we don’t spend any time apart.

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and i am turning into an adorable potato with a ponytail. i tame ponies bareback and i have a whip. sorry i think the diet redbull and grapefruit and coffees are making me a little erratic.

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and then prosecco.

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and people watching.

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i tan too easly. that is bad. that means my skin isn’t strong. it means i have to move to miami. i am fine with that. i’ll look good as leather. ahahah ew!

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i like when he looks slavic. it makes me think i am always on vacation or involved with a gangster. i assume everyone european is up to no good on the sly. fucking hot! at the passport office when we were looking at my old one where i look like a natasha straight from interpol i started making that joke and then stopped. dude was nice as hell and approved my photos which might cut my hair off a bit, a no no. i also stopped at saying i got them done in a variety store. legit licensed passport photog so no worries.

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eggplant. i didn’t have a piece til it was stone cold at the very end, the last piece and it was STILL magnificent.

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meatballs. um what is an italian word i can spell? bellisimo.

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i am a salad snob. this was good enough. pear walnut some kind of cheese arugula, not mind blowing, not bad either. my trainer went here with his wife two fridays ago, we suggested reserving cos it would be slammed. he did and it was. they had a good time. i’ve only ever been here to eat once before, with the beast.

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bumped in lil jenie stewart, babe. she and casie have the same oomph factor going on it was like casie in the vessel of jenie, made me miss casie. hi!

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cheese board. teacher liked cowbell better. he is a food snob now. he is a legit snob to begin with but loves the opportunity to BE that, and more. i’m like woooooah now what? yeah i liked cowbell’s better. made me realize how nice i am maybe, a yes girl lots and where is that getting me, huh!? where!? (remember i am having an identity crisis right meow).

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espresso poured over chocolate ice cream, gelati? i dunno but i could see through time pupils instantly dilated and your report that’s due tomorrow i did it yesterday and wrote 40 blog posts in a second. major pick-me-up.

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teacher’s visa was left at rhino (that hole)(that i had been bashing the night prior on twitter lol great one baby) i’m like great now they can find us and THEN the genius leaves it behind. i call them from the table here, it’s there, and we picked it up on our way home with the cab outside and the meter off cos i coo’d southern belle innocence at the driver. i am a detective.

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new tray, table cloth and jug for upstairs. you have to climb two flights of stairs up and down again to the kitchen to bbq to loungers and back again so i want lots of pretty trays.

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and we have a penchant to be slovenly so we need all the help we can get. i tend to get a little bit fucking insane when it gets messy around here.

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and then i was starting to pass out on the couch, it wasn’t even 9 blaaha bold face lie i cannot even tell time and look at the big giant clock up there, to me, 10.30 may as well be 9pm, early. whatever. maybe. too early to be cool. so i get up and at ‘em and say maybe i should put on that raggedy anne outfit if you go get it for me. he moved so fast i think he teleported himself there and back again.

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i think he has better pics, i’ll check afterward. i wanted to get one i actually liked to tweet tease but wasn’t happy with anything (tired delirium) so eventually he looks at me and says (STUPIDLY!) (tired of snapping photos) this is boring.

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oh really. it is? i’m sitting at the other end of the couch from him (granted he did take some pics with his iphone to appease me) but yeah, in the future if you feel like telling a chick in a disney princess sex costume that “this is boring” you might want to have your head examined.

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i felt stupid and pride stung (not really just an opportunity to start and win a fight) so i sat forward and began unzipping my minnie mouse clown suit and he was like UH OH. ahahahhaha. i was not about to have a showdown dressed like minnie fucking mouse.

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yup. super boring. lol. playing with dolls. meh. aw poor teacher.

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see? i look like shit. how often do you wear a dumb dress like this? never. we bought it weeks ago. of course i want to exploit myself in it on my blog tomorrow morning and that photo is not good enough. another please.

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i still look kinda shitty (which i will feel when i finally look at his pictures and see that i look beauty star disney princess amazing in them).

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and here? goddamn comatose. unusable (using anyway to prove point). i am totally almost zonked out like kurt cobain nodding off on heroin during a rolling stone shoot. it happened. see how i am tired from my life? now that i am fit i am going to just sit around like a useless statue in an apron and only get up or flinch if someone calls my name otherwise, zzzzz. he wishes i got the bee on which also coincidentally on saturday there’s a bee party up in the sticks that madysin is having. kid will be there dude i don’t think that outfit would be appropes.

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oh and i eat dog food now too so, that is also awesome.

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too bad it didn’t say the gza is lord.

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ugh glad that’s over. muggy and hot and babies screaming everywhere. my clerk was the best though hi michael!

tomorrow i am going to the new style exchange at the eaton center (between 2-5pm) i love that store, they have everything. had a $500 shopping spree on new year’s eve at their montreal location. rabbit fur vest $160, docs also $160 and a onesie jumper. shared the rest with my entourage. i am pumped they have a location here as i have given up on fashion. come with me afterward we can get DTD at jack astors or whatever that place that looks over YDS is. gift bags!

ps. you can comment during the day free of registration. at night i turn that back on cos of spam. i want this blog to get it to fuckingether arg!

crips from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

this is what my yogaerobics looks like. bit raunchy. but it works. vive le raunch.

*re: fear – they don’t actually say that, i just made it up on the spot cos i can ad lib like a mawfuhcka. i’m sure someone’s said it at some point in time before. anything can be a motivating factor in life, that saying is endless and limitless but only if you say it in a euro accent like me or milla’s voice in zoolander. i think the video from above is friday’s work? guh! i just don’t know anymore i live in a vacuum that makes groundhog day look like a century’s worth of daily variety.

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indoor rainbow!

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i can’t sell this shirt. it’s the only one i have here. i am wearing it to a meeting later on and i wore it last night. just kidding i’ll wear DIFFERENT rags later.

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you know what’s cool? a washboard stomach.

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face pick attack daywear. i have my cardigan buttoned up over my cranium and the hat on to keep it in place with one button undone to see my monitor. smart. i am jungle-ready, desert equipped.

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he’s trying to pin it on me that i can’t “find him” in photos when in all actuality, he just over poses. it’s taken me a decade to get it right and i still end up looking ridiculous most times. just kidding, i am awesome and nail it in every shot. ok my next vlogstar will be a photo pose tutorial. teacher goes to school sans specs now i bet the girls are perving out. he told me he calls his students monkeys until the last 2 weeks (twelves) then he refers to them as humans. i said i would HATE him as my teacher, as i was actively “human” in highschool getting my mack on with adults secret lifestyles and then to be undermined by some scenester teacher? fuh-ck that.

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i look like shit and rightly so, this weekend was quite boozy and sunny. it feels like it was only yesterday still. thanks to fake monday, tuesday, being yesterday. i’ve been wearing scarves for coats lately. mel said it’s the best accessory in paris, coincidentally. also it glams up my shit show of an i don’t give-a outfits. burlap sack? scarf it up! ready to roll.

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i look forty and cancer-battling, a prequel to the movie cocoon plus grandma grey hair, uh, awesome?

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restaurant groupie. i bet he asked spice route for a tshirt too.

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holiday monday deadsville. way better than all the other places along king that i’ve dumbly gone to on a holiday industry night worst ever evening for eating out. our waiter was a bit mangled too, fucking with us slightly, then thought i was flirting with him so commenced hovering me good and plenty. we were tweaked to begin with so it weirded us out and got annoying. i should no longer be permitted to speak to servers.

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dark as hell. good for dates and hiding and spying, bad for pics. they bumped up the lights once the entrees came.

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my beetlejuice shrimp.

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teacher has an aversion to shrimp and seafood, it’s an oshawa thing probably. he grew up eating dirt rocks and twigs ahahaehhe kidding. picky eaters and me (will eat anything) oh boy, work in progress.

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i want to make my own creme brulee. once i learn how to make a cake june 8 with carole. join me!

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i’m writing another book, it’s like memoirs of a geisha except called BUILDING A PRINCESS.

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and i write it everyday, it’s called this blog.

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new plant for my deck jungle. curb side score. hope it was actually garbage/don’t care if it wasn’t it’s every yuppie for ‘emself in libville. lulz.

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double bitch dose. aaand i’m wearing that shirt again.

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nice girls now.

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baja soft tacos addiction now over. still good just over it.

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the fille is back.

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next time i might not wear naked shirt on such a breezy day. shit’s goin’ down on wysteria lane.

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laaaazy.

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retard in a box. i bought them new food and treats so now i am their lord for real. i will try not to let the power go to my head.

this wasn’t it. two fridays ago maybe. i think i just discovered another folder of retarded black out friday videos. stay tuned for raymi’s gulag orkestar ahaha but for now, it’s sideways world and more black keys.

bands are starting to email me and request i dance to their songs. yep.

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every year about this time, i have a nice little identity crisis. hey what’s up with that? lets check in with my mentals shall we then?

blaaaaaaah wah. i noticed it when i was a kid, it’s like, a kind of FOMO (fear of missing out) when summertime rolls around, like i’ve been sleeping all winter and everyone’s out on water slides without me now cos i didn’t get my shit together in time. i’m not exactly feeling that, more so personal life who am i what am i when am i questions. do not watch morning glory if you’re feeling anything like me right now. rachel mcadams plays a 28 year old career-obsessaphobe unraveling by stress and aghhh it was not at all escapist to watch especially with old fogey harrison ford’s debbie downering all over the place, proud has been styles dude shut up, please.

but i have a solution for it, one part of which is to stop whining and start enjoying my life. i have a friend who is 2000% more uptight perfectionist than me and another friend said it’s said they can’t enjoy their life, one of which we consider to be all peas and carrots and perfect and beautiful and ours to be suffering in comparison. everyone wants what others have got, the grass seems greener. once in awhile you have to step over the fence and see for yourself, it’s the only way to change it up even though the outcome could be drastic. i am a fan of change, i see it as positive and people who whine about their predicament and yet do NOTHING about it for years, get out of my way and lose my number. i’m holding it together as much as is possible and i need all the energy available to me to be driven and excel. if i am fat i will work to be thin. if i am broke i will work to make a buck. if i don’t like who i am with i will leave him. if you can’t save yourself then what makes you think i care?

YIKES watch out and duck today. i think the sun and fresh air is making a monster out of me.

work out time. phewf.

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we are the people from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

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your song behind the crappy scenes of from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

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