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Feeling crappy? Saganaki!

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It was annoying that they snuck up behind me and lit it before I had a chance to start filming it. OCD people have specific and confusing items on their list to complete or they never get over it. NEVER. Spake like Skeletor. And one of those things is capturing a saganaki flambé so wait next time bro please. Especially when you have already seen me photographing the salt & pepper shakers what do you think this is fun and games? Just kidding I am a table angel.

So here’s a video I took in Collingwood of another Saganaki that the girl gave me a head start on instead. Thank yew.

It really steams me up when a restaurant uses tabasco sauce. I *promise this is my last complaint of the post (*promise not guaranteed) but honestly if you are banking on any sort of authenticity, smash some peppers in to olive oil, drown that shit and add more peppers, jalapeno I don’t care and put it in a tiny bowl with a tiny spoon. Don’t make me pour hot vinegar all over your cuisine. Please. It is already greasy enough. We had a wonderful time at this place and it felt like being on a cruise ship or some kind of hide out. Note to world: I have not been on a cruise ship before.

Dining out put me in such a great mood I did a little dancing.

Getting ready for it I blasted us some November rain for nine minutes of grateful air guitaring and axl swaying. Great pre-game jam.

Now where were we? Yes. Dinner. This place was full of fogeys. Good people but, I dunno, when I am the most urbane person in a restaurant I think that is telling. I love being a big fish but anyway, it seems to be all about old school charm and manners which I love and so definitely do the regular clientele. You can take the tourists here. You watch special moments here, I am just so in to people watching and I hate people who say that but it’s the most entertaining thing. But be sure to focus on your date too and make your own fun little world and take turns playing angry birds only if the other goes out for a smoke and read your server well, they reveal themselves a lot in their serving style and lack thereof. Ours got teacher tanked, she was a pro for sure. Ouzo? Okay bro on your own there lol. I had a sip and it was enough for me o_O.

Retsina is terrible so I did not allow it but ok’d a greek wine that would be more palatable. In the words of Tracy Morgan on 30 Rock I CAN’T EAT THIS I’M A FOODIE. Ha. I also hate grappa and I know that’s italian but it is eugh, don’t get it. Limoncella yes please. I was blown away to learn that none of the Jersey Shore cast knew about Limoncella for an after dinner digestif that gets you wickedly loaded! :) it is the shit. Anyway, back to my dining with the minx show.

I forgot my button was done up but in hindsight it was adorablah. I was high off the success of my attention-seeking outfit in the short distance from the other restaurant we were going to eat at (it was closed for renovations) and Penelope’s, this one. I was just digging the vibe here it was calm and quiet and felt like a get-away teacher had been there before, for dates that I did not press him on. I live my life like a sage geezer, staring profoundly in to space and complaining about everything so it suits me a place like this. I like new experiences too. I am eating this entire city before I am through with it. Someone said there should be Raymi Ate Here plaques in my regular spots yeah I can be a zagat’s one day in the year 3000 when there are flying dogs. Bonus: over the wall was a whole party of people at a long table. Those things make me feel awkward so I adore staring at them secretly. I am perverse and you suffer for it.

We also ordered chicken souvlaki. I am way more in to Shawarma to be honest. Do they have fancy restaurants for that instead of take out/delivery/drunk eat-ins post bar? I bet they would give me all the hot sauce I demanded. Sometimes I get are you sure you want hot sauce in this challenging way then I go to town and they are like WOW. Here is how I will die: hot sauce.

Requisite mirror checks.

Aside: Why don’t they sell teeth whitener at the supermarket? Annoying.

Jowl are you? Are those jowls? What are jowls? Or is it five o’clock shadow from my humongous nose?

Fixed it. Duck lips?

Dentist appt soon. Must make. I am scared. It has been two years and I know there is some fucked up shit going on in there. I am a classic avoider. Big giant baby. Esquire.

After dinner many hours later we ordered pizza. I am going to stop doing that it’s so detrimental to my diet plan and progress, for what I don’t know but always having to “get back” to a size or your content size after eating dinner 4 times in a night hahah. I stay up too late. I think my late 20’s antics can be attributed to the inability to accept that I “am older” and so I can dress young look young act young be young but I know my insides (organs) aren’t. Oh well, look good now, die later. I am black comedy because I want you to be healthier, you kids, that I assume can only make up or begin to make up the majority of my audience, my mtv hipster mickey mouse demo, no? So listen to Aunt Raymi and go to bread. Go to bed reasonably early instead of hours of tv. or internet. Or whatever it is you are doing!

Okay good back to real camera now.

I apologize for this boring ass post and no picture of souvlaki. Take it as a punishment for some other time you may have wronged me or made me mad, okay? hahahha. Bath time!

Pockets full of stones

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Hey guys. I just dumped mystery camera on to my computer. Groov-ay. Shockingingly, it only contains pictures of your hero in her living room. Nah there were others but I wanted to keep it less you more me.

Aren’t all biker babes just a little morose? It’s a tough and rough life I imagine. Maybe I will write biker fiction. Or maybe I will take my bicycle and get it tuned for the season. Yes, we’ll start there.

Moi? Pourquois?

Sometimes “when I get made fun of” or “criticized” one thing people say is I don’t have any talent. Oh really. So my only talent is getting dressed up staying bot-like putting on makeup (yes these are talents believe it or not as a 29 year old woman IMO) and taking pictures for my blog (that people can’t stop staring at) really Hal? What do YOU look like nowadays bro? How are book sales? Ha ha this is a retort like only three years later to Shulgan’s piece on me in the G&M. I blushed when Surane brought it up during our interview because, well, nevermind, but the die-hards will definitely be wanting to see that interview.

I am leader of the opposition how is that not talent? I can do this pose with my hands on my hips how is that not talent? Just kidding I know that’s not talent. That dog loves me. Talent. We are getting a cable casing/hiding thinger for back there so, more talent.

This bib is by 3F. Always have one white thing in your wardrobe in case you have to go to the Hampton’s/make people think you are from there. I will settle for a teeny dilapidated cottage on Toronto Island. Or a raft floating in Lake Ontario tied to a dock at Sunnyside. See how we lower our standards as we get older kids don’t do that. Just kidding “I am living the dream” in the big city so I’ll go eat my cheese and whine elsewhere.

My ass was kind of extremely obscene on King street and these pants are so tight they rearrange my internal organs and I get cramps like what am I on my period again?? But anyway, BUTT anyway, my ass is not this flat it’s the pants and even if it were this flat it’s still pretty boss, bro. I am body proud for the parts of my body that are still perky. I might luck out with an ageless body. Might look cool on the outside but the inside is full of pizza and bad decisions. I am taking the dog for a run today and my bike to the bike store and then I’ll do some weights. If you were wondering my exercise routine for looking this blammin’ it’s every other day plus Raymi dance aerobics.

I only wore this shirt for the video and pics, once it gets a stain on it I. will. just. die.

Also on my stress plate is doing stand up again. I have a professional comedian guy helping me, actually a few but what I am holding back from telling them is I am not a pro, yet, at all. So I am going to base my act around that, make fun of blogging and just generally be an ANGRY WHITE WOMAN. Yeah?

Be-cause, that is essentially what I am right? Or should I play up the sad portion more? Lots of guy comics do that too and pretty much every single comic since forever suffers from massive depression that we hide in jokes and stories and zany antics.

SO I am going to go out on the town tonight to get inspired aka drunk aka that’s how you start writing comedy by standing around a bar with your friends and make fun of everyone and thing maybe get in a fight then go home and go through the coverage on your phone or camera, texts from people from the night before, stories, tweets oh god WHAT HAVE I FUCKING DONE??? relax bro you were “working”. Oh right. Totally.

Then tomorrow night I have another mission to accomplish that I probably should not mention but whatever this is my lot care I choose to accept it. Did I say that wrong? Good.

I got the bib waterfall shirts all in xs. See how you have to be cautious when you do the hidey billowy maternity A-line is it a shirt? Is is a dress? thing? They ARE teeny tiny and the thing I like about this brand is that the sizes are a bit bigger than say what AA would do with their stuff, the sizes are actually smaller, more petite so when you’re not small enough to rock ‘em you want to commit suicide because you’re an unfit blob. We’ve all been there.

I have major body dysmorphia. Lois texts me when she’s out shopping (such a sweetheart!) and sends photos and asks my size and I always say bigger than what I am because I still have that mentality and I seldom shop for bottoms because I don’t like being disappointed and I find in life you can limit disappointment by inaction. I am writing my own religion for depressives. Anyway, the moral of the story is even IF you think you’re bigger always get smaller because 1. it will give and 2. you will look smaller. When I was chubs a couple summers ago I would torture myself biking to the gym across town in a bikini to to punish myself for being fat. I got tanned and I got tinier this way. I made the city of Toronto look at me and I didn’t care because I was gunning so fast I was already gone by the time anything could sink in. But now it seems the opposite. When actually skinnier, but feeling fat, you pile on layers to hide from the world. Ugh girls are so fucked up thanks magazines and men!

FTS It’s Wednesday and sunny! :)

Rayminterview

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As you can see this is how it all began. I was late. Always late. The mental preparation required to adequately wig out and crack under the pressure on top of applying make up just so usually makes one diva at least twenty minutes late. There’s a scene in the Marilyn flick (I’ve watched twice) when Dame Sybil Thorndike (Judi Dench) tells off Sir Laurence Olivier for rattling this poor vulnerable already rattled girl’s nerves over being late to set (granted the more famous you become the more late you can be and she was about 2 hours late and I would never do that) something like there’s more things an actress has to worry about than being on time. That goes through my head when I am layering on my war paint for camera because in my head at the time I am thinking about them all hating on me. I hate being late, it’s a trait of course but, one day when it matters most I will be on time.

They didn’t care though or mind plus we finished up ahead of schedule anyway, I motor-mouthed through the questions and finished before the girls showed up. Show at 5:30 and make me look cool. None of those things happened. Just kidding I always look cool. Which is a topic I waxed poetic on for a tad.

Surane said he studied body language and that interviews taken place across the table from the interview subject and interviewee make things more formal and awkward. The chair to chair thing is disarming and better for secret extraction.

So nice knowing ya Toronto I am moving. Haha.

I love it. So Anchorman. Look what you girls missed. Dumb dumbs.

After my brazillionaire which I had during the talk (I like to keep it Johnny Carson) I had this martini, Apple sidecar? I mix them up. I was a good girl on Saturday. I kind of drink only every other day, diet secret.

Their loud boisterous entrance was funnily timed, like oh look it’s my stupid friends now (whom I adore obvs) and Sundays at Mildred’s Temple between brunch and dinner service are often quiet. “I know things” aka EVERYTHING.

Rebeccablah said she needs this for her place. Yes.

Blink count Jules.

Immaturity forever. I was celelibations central. no just two. I was happy and relieved it was over.

Kay now peep all of rebecca’s different looks.

And.

Oh. I see.

Thank you very much Mildred’s for saving me from cleaning the entire house.

You must be in a hipster band to work at Mildred’s, One guy is in the Russian Futurists seen here. We commiserated over being interview nervous. Another guy is in the Manvils.

We had the charcuterie. Yum.

The girls loved Mildred’s. It is me and teacher’s special place.

Okay cool thanks hi.

I was going to go to Holt yesterday but sat on my ass instead. There is always something in the tickle trunk to put together. I almost sold this dress once.

Such a sense of humour. I love it.

Could have eaten that all over again. The caesar is nice and creamy garlic yum yum delicious. This is not a foodvertorial. Okay I guess it is but it wasn’t meant to be. This is how I’ve always done it. Comb an entire haunt inside and out that I love. Insert it into my story.

Ride me!

Rebecca said this was me. Thank you.

Hiya. How’s it going.

The unisex bathrooms are fun! Especially when a posh elder gent comes in and you’re all cackling away shyly.

No old men were harmed. No they didn’t see this either. It’s only between me, you, and the entire internet plus possibly television too.

Then I went to an 8 year old’s birthday party. Just kidding that’s not me. The dorks took a bunch of pictures of them for what other reason than to just make fun of me again. mmm attention! Lol.

Walk softly. Carry a big stick. Wear your casual shoes and you will be less spastic. Or you can climb a tree if you need to.

What?

French Fires album cover. Yes we are a band. No we do not play.

Hi excuse me I need to fax you a question do you have a minute?

She’s at that hotwkard teenage stage. They grow up so fast.

I am digging my natural frenchie eyebrows. I am excited to be a bit darker, well, longer most of all. Rome was not built in a day.

Kind of cross eyed here.

I want to be in a music video cast as the cougar teacher something. Bucket list.

Rebecca left her jacket in NYC. Are the Yay Cray kids cursed? Jules lost her leather jacket to Salvador Darling. I did too but got it back. Okay back to “other things” of secret natures.

Polka dot dorks

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I have something stupid to share with you. Nice camera skills.

I am rooting for you roots!

They made fun of my cougar dress. Well not really made fun just, how many cougars died for that dress. Haw ha. I think that’s called flirting. I was like hey man, it’s my time!

Shut up just go with it.

Yeah I dunno. This was not the Sunday I was expecting. It was superbo fantastico Funday!

I think I was totally fucking insane on Camera hurray can’t wait not to see it. I think it will be out after MTV creeps so I don’t think it will matter speaking of I have to book a standup gig this week. GREAT. Just kidding I’ll tell you more about the interview and how fun it was later “I got shit to do”.

Elfin Raymi. Raymelf. One of my action figures in the making.

I wonder if teacher will start getting a period from all the craystrogen up in his grill at all times. My design guys have no idea what language I am speaking in on this thing. Ha ha. I can only imagine the behind the scenes conversations. They said my lil Raymi widget counter is right though. I thank Germany. Seriously, it cranked up when the impersonating me scandal broke and now I’m a regular fixture there. Maybe I should go to a death metal show. One death metal show a decade. Rule to be made in to law. Like this one I sometimes break:

This is cute too. Jules you seriously don’t want this dress? Okay have a nice lunch.

A rayme in the life

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Hi there welcome to two’s company.

That’s a chopstick don’t worry I figured it out.

There’s two of them. Okay once you are done looking over there look at me, take a load off.

Hey duuuuuuudes far out man, yeah maaa-an.

So-rry “my so called life.” I never watched that show but it is referenced to death. I don’t like depressing things because it’s not escapism to me. If people want to romanticize how shitty teenage life is GO FOR IT.

Lickity lick lick.

Oh, that’s why. Hi I am four is this where the dress-up tea party is?

I think there was a longest toe competition going on at one point too? You can see Bech’s garbage truck leg scar. She is not over that shit bro.

Bech removed her hair from out of her “bun nut” no wait, just NUT and made a big deal about it I was like yeah yeah yeah yeah. pew pew pewp pewpepewppew that’s what the girls do, it is one of their “bonding things” we have an entire catalogue of stupid vocabulary that is both mockable and adorablah. Only envious people mock. I asked teacher if people were going to make fun of us when I showed him this. Don’t answer that it’s a trap!

Cool pit sweats bro.

That’s Damien’s grandpa. Balling. I want a photograph tat too. Get it? Yes, you’re so smart.

Bleep bloop.

PeeWee Herman has always been my idol, since kindergarden, I just got uber wrapped with being super fucking cool there for a little bit. It’s good to be home. I am practicing my interview responses.

Shawing! Party on Wayne.

Whoops blurry the others ones are for private eyes only jajaja.

It’s 3:25 do you know where the party is? Actually time to go bro.

I just gotta finish this one up.

ZzZZzzzz.

This is my Robin Hood pose, right? I am always right. Go look at puss n boots even it’s the classic hero of the people pose. Steal it if you dare.

Longest toe!

Time of your life party girl pose!

I’ll make this one teenier to lessen the effect. Our socks are matching, yep, shorts to shirt, good contrast girl bro.

Best friend of the universe face: That is a shitty idea.

Um kay.

You need to start watching ANTM Rebecca. This one is amazing but I’d like to see some broken doll out of you.

My camera skills are pretty bad too, two wrongs make a right I guess.

That’s my move bro. They mock this one aka LOVE IT. When I start pulling that one out it means party pants is ready to dance. This jam is now in sesh!

Of the ten songs we play over and over again which one is this you think? I have no idea.

There’s my bubble blobber butt! Them pink pants def bring it out even when blurry. Hey I’m a sasquatch, all those pics are always blurry yeah right guys totally you saw big foot. RIGHT. She was wearing pink pants!

How was I supposed to know there would be water in that paint jar? It’s like a museum there that never changes, anyway it didn’t do any damage and your painting just became more valuable if anything you should be thanking me for this.

Okay if I am headbanging then we are listening to…???

Deet deet deet deet deet DEET DEET DEET DEET DEET DEET! deet dee deet deet deet DEET DEET DEET DEET! I don’t even know what fucking song I am singing right now anyway I am off on something else altogether nevermind!

This will go into my EVERYTHING HERE RULES section of the #secretproject for sure. night night Leila. Did you know that this girl and I met when I was 19 on a lezbo date at the reverb (I was on one with another older chick #player #stud that’s tight brah) for a corpus show and I was also dating the spaniard. Corpus smashed a fluorescent light tube on his head during his show it was the most insane thing that I have ever been a part of and then this leila girl with a weird accenty voice comes out of the crowd and we hung out it was neat and now ten years later we are friends again. But through bech, who coincidentally has banged or dated or knows lots of people I know/used to know. Toronto is a small town. Shit like facebook ruins everything though, you can add a person and then see everyone you have in common and then if it’s a bizarre obscure person no one else has connected to them THEN you know so much more about that person you just friended, can kill or cure things right. Also bonus points in this photo go to chi chi no no.

Time to shower bro FTS!