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If I’m not talking then I am blogging

It’s like an out of body experience. You think you’re going to say all these things but then end up blanking a lot. I am sure it wasn’t as bad as I am playing over and over again in my head. Kat cheered me right the fuck up yesterday and said her screen test makes her cringe. Thank fucking GOD for that because she is flawless in every capacity and runnin’ tings! Outside the confines of the screen test I pledged that I would be better.

But you know what, so what! So fucking what if the entire world can have screen grabs of me full frontal nude now. I mean it would only be the end of office job career potential what’s to worry? Gahahhaa.

I have already been naked all over the internet anyway I am already royally fucked so why not just keep going.

All these people I see posting carpe diem shit like, I’d rather try everything then to never have tried and I agree but I wonder if they really mean it because I don’t exactly see them taking ballsy moves outside the parameters of agency squeaky clean life cough cough BULLSHIT.

Anyway. Some celebrities get interviewed in the buff on Naked News and I think that is uber rock and roll. The age spectrum is vast. You don’t have to be cookie cutter hot to make it anywhere in the biz. All you need is a face, a personality, charm, charisma.. yes ok all those things and be okay being naked too.

Am I ok being naked? Well I am but everyone around me makes me not okay with it. All the shitty things they say when we all should be standing naked in a field together with our hands on our hips in the sun having coffee like hippies and being cool with one another. That is not reality though. I reject your reality and I choose my own. Raymality.

Before I forget, this is a daily obsession.

Wings are probably not good for you two nights in a row BUT if you catch wing night on both of those nights it’s basically like health food. Savings be healthy!

Screen test scoop: I may or may not have said MEN BE THIRSTY. It’s probably my best soundbyte.

I feel like a caricature of a human sometimes even though this is all very plainly real. Just when I have to “go sexy”.

Just when I am like, you are a sex symbol now. You have always been a sex symbol. Go be that. DO that. BE HOT. Own it.

When I said I wanted to take over the world with my body and my mind. These little things I say and I think and I do and I persist.

And once a committee approves my rate I’m gonna be a gosh durn ring girl! That one pulled me right out of my funk yesterday lol. Kat Curtis gets the first props of course. But this email asking me if I ever considered being a ring girl. Talk about HELL YES. Will keep you posted but no I never considered it. When does it occur to you that you want to be a ring girl that day? Um maybe if I am high on mushrooms because I never thought I could be ring girl hot. I’m gonna be on ESPN and broadcasted internationally in a World Title Fight match, (a la Vegas meets Canada). I’ll walk out on the ring in Round 1 of each match (there’s 12-14) because that’s the sponsor’s round who is hiring me. Everyone will see my MINX tattoo on ESPN. Gonna get custom underwears designed. This is hilarious to me. In my autobio there will now be a chapter beginning with, and that was the period that I became a famous wrestling ring card girl. PFFTTTT!!!! I love this pinch me.

oh and guess how they found me? BURN!

It has been a long winter. It is my birth month. March 31 is like shedding a skin every year of my life. No one has a perfect life. I’ve gone through a lot this last year or two. I feel like I deserve all good things that come to me and am totally fine with tooting my own horn about it. I am super humble too fyi. When things go bad I accept and I understand, tolerate, am patient in knowing that it will pass and things will be better. That’s why it sucks when people flip out when you have something you’re proud of to share because you saw it coming first and know you have to take in their animosity. I have spent many years working on myself and repeating the same mistakes I will admit but the point is I HAVE worked hard and I am not done yet.

I was blessed with talents I pissed away while some I kept at. Nothing was handed to me. Anything I achieved, earned, gained I did so while people ridiculed me (and many built me up!) I went against the grain always. That takes a toll on one. You may never see the end of it in sight and people might never appreciate your efforts but there is a hope within you that should never, ever, ever, be extinguished. Don’t you ever stop.

We rented this car for a few weeks two summers ago, Dutch guy and I. They don’t have them in Holland. We also got one in blue. That year I had a Ford car sponsorship, they gave me 5 cars in total and all totally insanely fun. In between those freebies, Dutchie rented crazy hot rods. That’s why we went through so many cars. He wanted to experience America (in Canada). We met a nice cop one day who drove up to us when we were in the blue Dodge Challenger who just so happened to have a Dutch wife. Month’s later, this chance encounter saved the ass of someone I was in the car with (speeding) it was the same cop. This person should be kissing my ass every day of their life come to think of it. Anyway, that cop never forgot me or Dutch bf lol.

Yesterday’s run was super wet. I didn’t do the whole route I normally do because I ran through a deep mass of puddles and my feet froze instantly I almost called my dad to come get me lololl but eventually my shoes squeegeed out the water and I was fine so I kept going a bit longer but then I missed Lexi at the bar (wing night) and felt like an asshole. We hadn’t confirmed actually meeting IMO is the only reason/excuse. She was cool about it though. I was bummed because I had been so happy that Yasss I DO have people I don’t HAVE to be a loner all the time. My bf jokes “that we both know you don’t have any friends” ahha actually I have plenty of friends and you actually can’t handle it but that’s a fight for another day so… lol.

Moments before I ran through deep ice slush then was cornered.

aww hi.

In the morning bf drops me off I get shots of the lake. I picked him from tinder cos of proximity hahaha. Oh and looks too. I was like look at this (hot) douche lets see if I can get him.

And guess what I don’t need your dating advice. If it ends it ends. I survived it once. The ball is in both our courts. I refuse to change because I do not need to. I am living my truth. I am devoted and a good girlfriend to have and he knows that. Sure we fight but that’s life. We are both hot blooded but also goofy. During Saturday’s showdown I finally broke into laughing it was such a relief. It requires so much more energy to be angry, to be mad, to hold up a tough front which we both totally can do, will do. Ice each other out while the tension builds and builds but why? It’s so dumb. Just tell the other what’s bugging you. However I take it like would you treat ANYONE else this way? Fuck no. Would they take it? Absolutely not so why do you think it’s ok to do it to me, it isn’t at all period. Be in control of your emotions and do not take them out on others. I am sensitive and it takes a lot for me to be chill and when I get chilled I am fine BUT if someone comes in with a mood at me I pray for them. I refuse moodiness in my life I am too old to suffer anymore. That’s my bitchy rule and if you can’t abide by it then we are going to have problems. I want to be surrounded by happiness not moody men and if I have to be a lesbian then that will be fine too. I will never take anything lying down ever again and men respect that. I told him he can’t control me so STOP. I said it with so much vigor he thought I was going to leap over the table and snatch my phone back.

I think my playfulness gets misinterpreted as immaturity which is childish and then I get infantilized when bruh, I’m almost 32. You cannot mould me into an obedient baby girl this bitch is set. I can be agreeable however and I do compromise when the mood strikes.

But yeah I guess I should not have blogged any of this lol. The point is I do not need your advice. I didn’t ask for it. If I asked for it I would not ask you. I’d confide in my friends.

13 thoughts on “If I’m not talking then I am blogging

  1. I am so damn proud of you (not that you need that from me) but I want you to know that I admire you so much. Own it ALL, ya know? Not many people can do that. Whether it’s their choices, their looks, their smarts, their mistakes, their passions – you show us time and again what it is like to just go for it and despite whatever you have to deal with that tries to put you down, you keep doing YOU – that’s inspiring.

    Also, you’re smart. You get in that ring and they’ll see the minx tattoo and get curious – then they’ll find your blog and such and see that you’re able to write and that you’ve done this & that and that you’re even more beautiful than you look.

    p.s. I love your cat. So gorgeous.

    Looking forward to what you do next. <3

  2. HELLL YEAH! Love you to pieces. Also – totally get the book Freak Factor. It’s awesome. Great quotes in that book too like this:

    “If you need to conceal your true nature to get in the door, understand that you’ll probably have to conceal your true nature to keep that job.”

    “I’m not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I’ve always been a freak.” – John Lennon

    “However, it is difficult to be different. When others notice that you are different, they try to make you fit in.”

    Heroes are ordinary people who do extraordinary things, so there will always be a majority to think the hero’s behavior is wrong, dangerous, or weird. Heroes don’t cower and they don’t subscribe to the ideas of the masses just because those ideas are popular.”


  3. From over here, I celebrate your successes with Naked News, as ring girl, and as someone who lives her truth when all the trolls are fearful to live theirs. I reject their reality and I wholeheartedly endorse Raymality!

    And if you need a naked hippie to drink a coffee with in a field, or a clothed hippie to debut his first act of violence on a troll in a field, I’m here. :-)

    For now though, looking forward to next Boylord rehearsal and collaboration with Rocky.

  4. Good post good post. “You cannot mould me into an obedient baby girl this bitch is set.” Strong.

  5. I tell you what I know for sure, that mind with any body could take over much of this world, but then you have that body, and well…we don’t stand a chance! Good for you for getting out there and being real!

  6. you make these guys crazy with your hot body! I am a girl and you turn me ON! I come here hoping to see one day you stop self censoring and show you beautiful body… I have never been with a girl but I look at your pictures while my vibrator is deep inside me… you are real and hot that is why you are desirable! btw you are fairly open but I haven’t seen you talking about a Toy or vibrator… I am hoping to see your naked picture with a toy ;) with vibrator going while fantasizing about you and writing this comment I am pretty close to… girl power ;)

  7. You do WHATEVER the fuck you want, girl…. you’re rad.
    Come out to Portland. We’ll treat you RIGHT.

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