Netherlands is sinking baby I don’t wanna swim

Yesterday ay 2:30 in the afternoon it turned into Helen Hunt storm chasing darkness then it drenched rain 2 months worth in 4 hours on Holland for awhile, we were on our way to Germany for lunch knowing this thing was about to hit. Always at the ass-end of June there’s a hurricane, the hot weather makes the earth go crazy bananas in pajamas. I took videos and pictures the whole way through then later on in the evening the moisture turned into condensation (mist) and blanketed the farm land like something spookyalamalooky, it is creepy and haunting and terribly beautiful in a UK kinda way. Not a good time for a night run (psychos) and after we fed our bitchy duck friend, a duck, and the fish and this one other idiot duck we saw every field enveloped in fog and it stayed light til past 10pm cos it’s solstice soon. It’s magical and eerie to drive through the pounding fog with wet branches slapping the windshield. Holy shit am I writing weather porn? Enjoy the video, pics on the way. It was scary driving in the rain btw at one point in this video it looks like we’re going to hit a truck and the song playing is pretty gitzy too. You know gino gitz, beats?

Okay bye.

don’t lurk at me

Inside that white bag is duck bread obviously. MAD FOR DUCKS.

This one is ridonkulous. I’m smoothie bloated. Made three varieties today and I didn’t even crack open the smoothie book yet. All I bought was fruit last night at the market. Fruit and beer. Makes sense.

Made an amazing dry stir fry that strokes the almighty chinese food hangover craving. I didn’t over spice it for once. Added chicken that I flavoured in wasabi pepper sauce and garlic salt plus wok oil, curry and coriander. I am amazing.

Full on man cave day. My original flight back home was today, going back later next week instead now. Flex tickets are essential. Seriously sublet hunting if you know of anything lemme know. I heard you all missed me.

Pool water slide hair don’t care.

This suit gets a lot of attention that I can’t even handle I stare at the pavement.

Chuck Norris pants seeeen.

German sunset.

I did a lot of MY BOYFRIEND IS ANGRY updates today I mean he did.

okay back to stupid now bye bye.

There’s a leak at the plumber’s house.

Hi ho hi ho it’s off to blog I go. Like my new dress? Me too. Heartbreaker Fashion sent me two dresses and this week is the perfect week to wear them, it’s going to be even hotter tomorrow. Psyched. BF caught up on a bunch of work so he’s in a cool mood it’s gonna be awesome.

I look tired but I look pretty tired not fuck you’re pretty tired I mean I am pretty as well as tired. We shouldn’t even have gone out but after the week we had we needed some us-time. The 19 yr old step daughter who worked here was generous with the shots and she said she thought I was 24. She could not believe I was 30, it was like I told her I was fifty. Wuhoo. I tell ya being immature or having childlike qualities and charm will keep you young. My mom is my youth role model in that sense.

Gyro pizza. Kinda good kinda wtf, had the rest the next day for lunch. This post is going to be a crazy stupid mess (my photos have uploaded in a scatter) so keep those expectations down kay thanks. This is in Germany on Friday. A man at the bar asked me in German if I control my boyfriend but the waitress had to translate it, he was a lone barfly stirring the pot and I was like why does it look like he needs controlling? Can he sense the crazy? Then the man got all embarrassed when he realized we were going to need a translator and that maybe he should STFU. Like seriously don’t make comments to strangers who are in love with each other and meddle with that shit. I so wanted to know more though. I think his curiosity just got the better of him once we were taking photos is all but really it was supposed to be a compliment to me like please control me instead.

Afterward we walked around the castle it was 10 o’clock and twilight. Twilight means dusk right? No wait that’s when the sun comes up. Ask a vampire jeez. Anyway I wore stupes shoes for cobblestones and my injury but I still climbed up that hill without bailing.

Father’s Day orchids. When mum is like get him a purple orchid that is SO a gift for her I love it and hell fuckin yeah we’ll get you a flower it means we get to go to the flower store. I love any kind of outing cos I get to check up on the local peeps being all normal and Dutch, it’s bizarro land then someone usually interacts with me socially and I just go what? English please and they blush like cray. Then I get all this attention and it’s like sliding down an attention waterfall with stars and rainbows flying out all over the place around me and then BF drags me out of there.

Sis and I went for a bike ride yesterday it was lovely and fun and I bought this bike but have only used it once baha. Bike riding is religion here. People cycle in pairs and hold on to each other’s arms as if they’re strolling through a shopping mall with all the time in the world. I’m still a n00b though and have to be alert cos crap is coming at you from all sides, streets are charming and rounded not grid-like straight and perpendicular like in North America there’s intersecting bike lanes everywhere that turn into traffic lanes then sidewalks you can’t really tool around stoned or drunk until you know what the fuck you’re doing. Or have someone with you doing the thinking for you.

Love this park so much. It’s so hippie and when I look at all the teens and early twenties set I’m like where the hell did my youth go? I missed out. Instead of sitting around in groups on blankets with people my own age I was running around with bossy geezers.

Sis knows the guy who did this. She’s going to do a Minx Graffiti tag in my honour. Psyched.

Course when it’s on the internet it looks all obvious but when you’re in a bar shyly beating your way through “heren” looks just as feminine, which is dutch for male. Heren sounds like a bird and birds are like women. My brain is a theme park with rides a plenty.

This is a steep street, driving down it with bf is a trip. Going through tinier streets where the houses are crammed so close together and it’s a lane road that goes both ways and you don’t know what’s around the bend is nuts.

Even ghosts get scared.

Oh what a week. I have a lot to say but I don’t think I should. Just appreciate your life, the people in it and each moment that you have and be as healthy as you can cos when he’s coming for you he’s coming and that’s that.

I’ve had this kaftan since I was 27.

My presents came in the mail. They’re all in Dutch. That FOOD book is 400 euros in english, in dutch, 60. It has a picture of every single food, vegetable, meat, fish, under the sun it is incredible. When bf was like I got you a present I’m like is it clothes is it a ring it better not actually be a gift for you or a vacuum. Lol.

Smoothie breakfast is my daily job. He’s kinda a control freak but this thing is my department now. I put ginger in the blender once and it was like WWII Jesus Christ what a baby.

Sister is the best. I want to set her up with my brother. Would that be weird if siblings all dated like tic tac toe? What family isn’t weird though? She’s really happy I’m here and gettin’ attached and shit! We had a couple boys fall in love with us at this park then later on the same guys were at the supermarket and it got to the point of unbearable discomfort having to force a smile and hello every time we passed each other then the guy waited for us outside (I think it was probably for me but whatever lol) and it was like alright that’s enough stalker.

Mhmm mhmm. It’s funny to me that this is my local beer but in Parkdale it also was the extra few tallboys you throw on the pile of booze you buy, I’ve always loved Grolsch it’s like the piss water easy going down of beer. I know a lot about beer, I ain’t no brew master or craft beer dickhead dork but beer is beer lets not showboat around about it okay.

Do you like my wheels? My bike came with one of those wheel backpack things that professors would use, everyone has them here. See that thing over the back wheel that’s how you lock your bike so much handier than u-lock bullshit.

Here we go. I’m wearing slob clothes now cos I only want to wear my dresses when we actually go somewhere and I think I will sweat all over it today, but I’ll probably throw it in the back seat cos we’ll probs hit a patio after a walk.

We only had his Iphone with us for photos. Spooky. Anyway I gotta split. You’re welcome for blogging. xo rlw

V spot

Hi everyone! Hi Dad. Here’s my latest Playboy feature, I’m doing viral internet goodies now which will most likely resolute in a weekly feature cos there’s so much murterial on les webs where I spend the majority of my time anyway, we figured why not do that PLUS I find things first what with this accelerated time zone 6 hour lead.

Here’s one to kick off with.

Undercover commercials (if authentic) are the best because you typically get a square swearing his fucking guts out then the viewer is sucked in to see where this is going even though you know it’s an advertisement for a soft drink and has dang all to do with the beverage, sneaky marketers but anyway undercover professional stock car racer Jeff Gordon takes a bad assly powerful Chevy for a test spin with an unsuspecting car dealer wherein predictably hilarity ensues as 4 times NASCAR series winning Gordon goes apeshit on the gas, burn outs fish tails you name it we’d say it’s priceless but there was definitely a price tag for this advertisement. The reaction is cut a bit short because it seems like the dealer was extremely overwhelmed which makes for bad television reaction for Pepsi but he then recovers quickly by saying wanna do it again? When Jeff Gordon says I’m Jeff Gordon I’d be like who?

Now go see the rest, love you bye. Raymi Bunny.


Before I move on with more of my perpetual garbage I have to blog some pics I’ve already uploaded or the neurotic gods will will furrow their uni-brows at me for days until I do. It seems stupid cos I’ve still a batch more of pictures to go through and upload from Amsterdam and this is just a little handful however I’ve also got a bit of Germany pictures to finish off too so combined, we have ourselves something of a post.

That dude is chilling with a beer see? That’s so Raymi. It’s also the doppleganger of a guy from Oakvegas I used to know if I told a couple of bar flys they would laugh their lush asses off so hard at that one.

Sneak attack pictures typically turn out blurry on account of the sneaking and shaking from the treasure you have spotted.

Corner pocket hang out of a hotel.

It says porto fino over there, Italian restaurant. Thanks to Dirty rotten scoundrels that’s one of my favourite things to say and places I want to go. Add that tidbit to your Raymi 101 notage.


Oh you again. Window peeking in Amsterdam is easy cos it’s all eye level, it’s a tall nation so I guess it makes sense. I love watching people most over-said thing by everyone ever BUT what I really love is watching people be normal in their homes, high intrigue factor there. I watched a guy at his computer guying out all normal and shit IT BLEW MY MIND. Then we watched two ladies on their laptop with a bottle of wine watching something on youtube. Then there’s all the basement apartment dwellers, one guy’s stoner cave was epic and he was watching Charlies Angels 2 on big screen with piled garbage on either side of the tv. What’s with me? Is it an I feel like a specimen thing or watching people before they watch you watch out. Omg can you imagine if I saw someone eating Cheerios I’d be blown backwards through tiiiiiiime. End bit.

These ones have Instagram porn all over ‘em no filter omg shut up. I saw a lady whining about “#nofilter” and it was so something her demo would whine about it took a lot to restrain mouthing off about it on twitter. I lasted 2 days (at least) I think.

Reminds me of Lower East Side these downstairs doors. A great band name btw.

Whimsical dusted streets.

Yeah yeah just keep going with it.

It reeked of weed here. It Eurekeda. If jokes just magically appear to you all of the time does that mean you are a wizard of comedy? Yes I definitely have the crazy genes but I’m also crazy smart and crazy funny. I’m not apologizing for this I am owning this.

But guess why it reeked of weed because a college aged Italian tourist was feeding this bird cheese and talking to his buddy hanging out of a window up above in the hotel.

She only eats cheese he said. Sure guy you’re so baked right now I bet you eat shoe laces.

This was hilarious to us but now that I have seen every bird ever and always it’s kind of no big deal now but at the time it was like this bird is so out of place here, she’s the pet that they feed cheese to. Amsterdam is a wacky place.

I don’t know what that means but the speed limit is not fifty in this neighbourhood enclave it’s the age you turn when you get publicly mortified by it. Kinda like my mom forever fifty. Can pass for mid 40’s though for sure. Am I dead for that one? Don’t care I’ve been up since 6am when we got the call.

God can you at least make my dummy look like a unicorn or a hello kitty princess and not something I’d shit my pants to having a clown nightmare about in the middle of the night and not be able not get back to sleep thanks. Props on using the authentic clothes though that’s why it’s so creepy because it is too real. You can use my clothes though because it will be more hilarious but if you make it look old I will trash it. At a traditional Swiss Chalet family dinner we’d take turns drawing each other on the place mats and make one another look haggard, old, they’d always give me bee sting tits (assholes) and dad would have crazy bacon and eggs hair and mom’s hair would be HUGE with cats all around her and Shawn would draw himself all cool and smoking and I’d have troll dolls and other embarrassing teenagery girlish shit.

Fast forward through then we were done with Amsterdam, had Irish coffees and left. I’ll post the rest another time.

On to Germany now. This is about the time it started warming up over here.

Green yeah yeah blah blah gorgeous view.

This feels like a long time ago now.

Go again please, I guess I should actually frame something next time instead of hyper-focusing on getting the heart right.

BF loves my new hair colour. The darker my hair the more power I have. Is what I learned yesterday. It makes him like me more, more likes more power. Kinda like Facebook. Fwaha life imitating internet. God that is so totally a thing.

I guess I own prancercising pants.

I am cry laughing at this right now. And the music too AHAHHAHAHa.

I wanna fly over you Lost Boys style.

So German of you.

Duck Face and Nana Lips are pretty similar looks.

This was our 2 month mark.

Thirsty. Yesterday was sober day and the day before too. I’m kinda over drinking, okay that’s a lie but I don’t freak out if we don’t drink or get moody or die of boredom, so, that’s good.

The service here is awful, can’t fault ‘em cos who is going to stare out the window and check up on the patio every four seconds? Not very superior that though? We saw others arrive sit and wait forever based on the assumption service would come on account of our beverages however we walked our asses in and announced ourselves first cos we’re smart and knew we’d wait 20 minutes and be pissed off which is what another couple did. I wanted to tell them to go in and get served but we didn’t, if it was in Canada I would have but I didn’t want to yell in English on the patio. Besides, do I have to worry about everyone else all the time and be so fucking Canadian? They’re grown-ups right? Why am I racked with Canadian guilt about it still? I feel responsible because of our drinks meanwhile my bf is like screw them hahaha.

What flag is that it’s missing the black stripe if it’s supposed to be Germanic.

The little town we went to on Friday.

She always looks like she’s flipping you off bonus to the sign that makes me think of Blow me when I see it back there.

I like. Assumed bottle imprints sand-washed I think then illuminated in differing colours.

Hey what’re you doing over there now?

Swoon swoon hot air balloon.

They’ve seen you before but close up spotty. After watching the top ten greatest moments of Toddlers & Tiaras the other day I have day dreams of food colour bottle spray decorating horses. I’m pretty sure the consequence isn’t worth it but come on if you sprayed all your sheep and shetland ponies one day you’d creating such a spectacle here I bet it would make the news. Definitely. I would do that and then cool shit might happen. That’s going in the dream journal.

Then we fed a roadside duck.

Alright it’s TLC time.