it didn’t fix me

so apparently i AM arrogant and i’m a dumb fake blond paris hilton twat. hilarious.

at least i’ve convinced one person that i am better than them from this fucking emo crisis state on the livingroom floor staring up at the ceiling i’ve never been so fucking low but yeah at the very least my arrogant demeanor is shining through strong and true. fine.

i’ve worked my ass off. i work my ass off. so that i can be lazy as possible for a stretch. i have spent many years cultivating an online persona so to speak and part of that craft is making it appear as though i have an easy life. i have earned my fucking way all on my own steed. through nasty comments and gossip that is constant and endless, i am self made. i didn’t go through the PR 101 revolving door. i learned this all on my own. i am a stubborn piece of shit and i did it all my way so no, i am NOT a dumb fucking fake blond. my hair may be fake but i sure as hell am not.

i’ve been to all your parties and i’ve met all your kind so you really can’t drag any wool over my eyes not saying you were, just, don’t lump me in with all that maybe?

i know exactly what i’m doing here oh my god where did this mission statement voice come from all the sudden. whatever. bad comments rile me up and i use them as content, what else are you supposed to do with that? swallow it on your own? boring as it is, there it is.

being a lone wolf, trying to make it on your own, without anybody holding your hand, you try it on maybe. holding on to a dream and being adamant about it for ten years, give that a go why don’t you before you start pointing fingers.

i don’t care if you think i’m nothing but all about frivolous shit. that’s only the part of my life that you get to see. you don’t know my heart.

i came out here to rest and to lay low i guess. it was part impulsive and necessary. but it didn’t fix me. you can’t expect anything to fix you and you can’t fix yourself it just has to happen on its own.


aw my mom and nana are on the front page of snap oakville!

and a sun to maybe dissipate shadows of the mess you made

some people in thunder bay yesterday really wanted to have a toronto war. here i am finally gettin’ proper gunned, fuckn right ripped there terry, and they’re all toronto sucks it’s so arrogant and so on all to a tragically hip soundtrack on rotate. i love the hip and i love thunder bay. like, i’m here. for a second time in a row. a lot of people have acted instantly back up to me it’s so boring and predictable.

steph noticed it too. said they’re really nice people. i know that, but like really nice people who feel threatened and obligated to debate you on something you have zero care for which makes you arrogant for not wanting to have the discussion to begin with what? i’m here ON YOUR TEAM GUYS. i dunno, look at me, maybe i just have this fight with me look going on? i mean, enough people sure as shit hate me on the internet and in toronto so, whatever.

my dad has had to deal with this all his life too i believe. just strong personalities that other people with slightly less strong of personalities detect and become instantly protective of the air space that you got to first. like hey i’m great, you’re great, we’re ALL fucking great no need for a pissing contest 24/7 please can’t i just sit here in my stupid socks in miserable peace?

i said my friend made a movie called lets all hate toronto and he went across the country and to every province and everyone said they hated toronto but not a one could offer the reason why. that means everyone nationally is a fucking IDIOT! hating something they’ve never even experienced yet feel they’re supposed to hate. how many celebrities do we sort of hate yet never even met? ALL OF THEM. toronto is canada’s celebrity ok alright fine. no we don’t think we are better than anyone, we’re just our own thing, a great thing. so deal with it. experience it at least before you talk shit about it cos you look really fucking stupid right now. i said well we don’t sit around talking shit about you and they go well that’s cos you’re arrogant. um cool argument? we’re just too busy and have shit going on. i love it here i really love remote but i also miss my city.

but anyway yesterday was awesome. bluesfest. had mini donuts and their booze stand/beer tents are so organized i walked over to the liquor table and proclaimed this is greeeeeat like the attendee was the hostess of a party. gunned. blues traveler did radiohead’s creep and we danced our balls off. there was some old time speak easy rag time tunes later on back at the house and we jived on the porch like that scene in the notebook. kettle corn oh my god people go ballistic for it here bought a bag and got stopped by strangers all along the way, one crazy coot eccentric woman of which plunges her hand right on in there and i’m like go ahead sure. very funny scene. al jumped in a car and the woman drove up to us later and said to him this is thunder bay you’re lucky i didn’t pull a knife on you and drove off all menacingly. christ.

then i passed out on the livingroom couch and more people arrived and i had to sit up like i hadn’t just been totally crush fucked lights out. they have a friend called good night for that very reason, mike good night hahaha. steph drove us home in a lightning storm then rain storm and i cashed out in the vw backseat lying down in multiple retarded positions. drinking all day is such a job.

time for some new whites.

they loved me so much after my last visit look what they did.

this sleepy mountain town very much reminds me fondly of williamstown massachusetts. wake up to a beating sun and look right up at a mountain. almost middle of a valley vibe.

oh yeah we saw the stanley cup too. i got pictures.

my hair was kinda fucked for some of yesterday. steph said it made her wish she had a haircut. her hair is stellar though. so miss my long darkerish hair sometimes. it never ends eh. there is no being satisfied.

kinda bratty.

liver juice. beets. hippie energy infusion.

festival stance.

blues traveler. shit house drunk tunes.

lame picture. tara reid drunk out.

guys if you need me i’ll be right here

legion jam

it’s a good bad. everyone fell in love with me at this moment. there was a mini fight at the legion too. fat joan jett versus an old lady and the volume of tunes. the cops came too afterward just because they’re so bored around here.

a bunch of my videos and photos from the last photo dump disappeared off steph’s laptop. oh well. on to the next big mental. think we’re goin’ swimmin’ today.

my signature from last year. steph and rye stare at it sometimes when they go to the legion. awww.

golf bunny

i had the best day today. we don’t have mountain golf views in toronto do we? so gorgeous. like the firstish season of lost and hurley starts them golfing and you see the island mountains all over the place dyyyying. well that was part of my day. actually everywhere i look there’s a mountain.

it feels great to blast your ears out to your dying zune battery that somehow keeps going with every cloud that passes and the sun beats down on you staring up like a goon at this somehow northern ontarian tropical looking thing of a mountain from a hammock in your bikini drinking black coffee turning into a freckle slightly baked and exhale all your worries out cos for the moment there’s nothing you can do so you just gotta lay.

then jeff buckley says maybe there is a god above but all i’ve ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you then a cloud took off at that exact second and you just picture all these upbeat things and you hate your life a little less. sorry people sometimes i have this intense sadness and i carry it around with me and i feel like i’m always talking about it so when we’re on a good wave we definitely share it.

it’s gaga glasses or top gun glasses. gaga won the backyard war.

top gun (shades) won the golf outfit war.

everyone in toronto is miserable right now. tim made me laugh. you’re all complaining about the heat and it’s like yes i KNOW it’s hot THANK YOU. hahahhaha. poor guys.

apparently there was a bit of a stir when we showed up. it was just me and rye, stephy was at the beer store (working) and everyone’s all oh yeah eh who’s that girl with rye there. small town, gossip, so huge here. very big pastime. we just had a little debate over the spelling of pastime. anyhoo, we’re on our way to this carhole jam again. gonna see some of the same people i saw last year. gonna be good and funny. wearing cupcake dress. very over the top. oh and i had a persian today! google it.a girl told me on twitter to have one and i thought it was a drink like a white russian. so isn’t. only had a taste cos it’s not in my raymbo diet.

this is in my diet. white wine water ice sculptures.

drove all over holy lazy mazy fuckin crazy but then you actually turn into relaxo to the maxo woah that o on the end of max was a typo i just kept rhyming. they’re waiting on me to finish so we can mosy. they’re not hurrying that much cos we all have drinks going.

i’m not a bad golfer and guess what i kinda like it. just don’t ever talk about it. experience only.

i am turning into a brown leather freckle idiot.

brought new nailpolish along steph likes it.

we had the whole course to ourselves every year rye’s work/family takes it for the afternoon, awesome.