so much for my jumping to conclusions mat (office space) found the little bastard in bed beneath a bunch of comforters. we can all chill now sorry for scaring you!

can he link me up with a half-o then?

um so you never heard of like, a q-tip?

so like the cool story i am i have misplaced my camera. thankfully there were no dirties on it just random whimsical shit. phewf. i don’ think that sucker is comin’ back but it’s just as well as i’ve been meaning to upgrade for awhile now also i have a backlog of at least a thousand photos on my laptop to deal with anyway. a whole buncha part 2s of stories you don’t care about. i’m gonna call the pub around 6 or so when the shift changes to see if the girls picked it up. who leaves their phone at home, brings a camera and loses it. oh and here comes a cliche you’ve never once heard uttered before I NEVER LOSE THINGS EVER! seriously this is my first loss. i have every cell phone kickin’ around that i’ve ever had, i hang onto stuff like it’s frankincense, or myrrh. no, definitely myrrh.

time to wash the rat’s nest bye-o!

oh and today it is my niece’s actual birthday. she is eleven.

will you look at this little hipster, my god!

you do no even want to know what i looked like at eleven. just envision a total fucking douchebag with tidal wave hairsprayed bangs and plaid. and scowling. and fear street books. plus major funky ‘tude i have no idea how i got so far in life not getting my ass kicked with the smart on my mouth. by the time people figure out that i burned ‘em i am long gone.

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

oh yeah my a-z guide to dating a dealer article is being published in the first print issue of streetbonersandtvcarnage. way? YES WAY. it’s gonna be dvd sized and come with a tv carnage dvd. in case you were ever stupidly naive of my cool studentness before…jussayyyyin. they emailed me a couple days ago don’t worry i played it chill, no big deal at all just another day in the life of a dickhead. (that’s you)

remind me to tell you about how i was late to bday dinner cos the perfectionist at the asian cute store decided to take TEN MINUTES to wrap a teeny box i’m like guy i have to be on the other side of town like 20 minutes ago speed it up.

can i buy that? i’m spaced out on shrooms and just fell in love with it.

took forever to settle on colours. tomorrow it shall be complete.

hi i’m delicate.

HAHAh ugh bye.

14×18

finding a photo online of these oldschool bullshit jiggle machines is impossible especially when you don’t know what they’re called. vibra-whatsy? anyway this painting has been owed to princess radmad for months now. girl has a fitness studio and she’s going to hang this baby in it, she has one of those modern power plate jams (super expensive) too and media has been jockin’ her hard lately, check the flexrx blog for all that ish. once i paint this thing i’ma hit up her spot on the danforth for a workout demo and show you all about it too. she’s getting clients up the yin yang, this thing is super hot right now all the fitness geeks are mad for it. for an hour it’s 25 bucks (cheap) and i hear she gives you a happy ending jiggle too haha nice.

skidly is thinking of goin’ bang central. should she?

good boy turbo.

ahh tequila rose old friend.

finally lost the sticker battle. 8 months strong.

guess it’s a sign?

good news friends! i’m 5’8 AND A HALF!

AND NAVAJO!

it’s been awhile now since i’ve been a complete piece of shit around here so i guess that means it’s postsecret time.

oh look it’s a nasty jealous stupid fucking bitch great!

how terrible is it that the trait of passive aggression exists in humans? probably the most hated of all qualities, in my (totally always right) opinion. just something about it makes me want to curb stomp a motherfucker. hi i’m a loser and i’m going to take it out on you secretly over the span of many many months until you get wise to it and then i will torture you from afar by talking mad shit about you behind your back, trying to plant seeds of doubt and mistrust about you and psychologically fuck with you until you hate yourself. lets do lunch!

and don’t you DARE forgive her that is horrible who is this beast of a woman? you should tell everyone in fact, start with your entire family, beginning with mom. that is such an unforgivable mentally ill thing to do to someone, can you imagine finding out a babysitter did that to your kid? i would hit the fucking roof! (i should have ordered these differently, putting the ones that get me most steamed near the bottom of the post, though that’s basically all of them. the entire post would be empty for a good yard and then nothing but caps lock yelling keyboard mashing etc)

and those attachments are… cowboy beer hug skiing snowshoeing? i don’t want to make fun of this one too much cos it’s such an accurately self-aware secret and i applaud that but way to throw me off with the goofy postcard. STOP LINKING UP WITH UNHEALTHY PEEPS, GUY!

how can someone read post secrets all day? i assume there’s a messageboard for this stuff but i am also assuming the sender of this postcard is an idiot, you know there ARE other things on the internet why you gotta blame it all on postsecret oh my god this isn’t even a funny one next.

FAAHAHAHAHAHAHA COOL ONE. now, while i “get” the notion of outdoors snobbery (every clique has its own thing right, hipsters, jocks, hippies, and so on) i am picturing the biggest wiener ever here. nice rappel device and locking carabiner lets fuck! so you pass people havin’ a time on the trail totally enjoying themselves and you’re judging their shit. you win guy, you win. go walk off a cliff.

oh here we go touchy subject. i’m sorry you were perverted against but that in no way excuses continuing the cycle, do you want the earth to be filled with diddler rapists forever and ever? i don’t! so cut it the fuck out.

you’re right, it was god’s will for sure. totally so was he controls EVERYTHING so i’ma drink a cup of poison and if i survive it was because god cancels out poison like he sends letters to where they ought to go sans postage.

on the back it reads she really wants it but im afraid she’ll stop calling OOOOK so does this person have amnesia or something? all out of pens? evidently she’s made this recipe before yet forgets how to do it immediately after? has she not heard of the internet either? is it your daughter, i think it is holy crap she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed is she, yeah? this reminds me of a friend of mine who has been calling me for the number of a weed guy not kidding at all FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS WHY CAN’T YOU COMMIT THIS NUMBER TO MEMORY OR INPUT IT INTO YOUR CELL PHONE ALREADY I WILL NOT STOP LIKING YOU IF YOU STOP CALLING ME (I PROMISE!) FOR THE WEED GUY’S NUMBER IN FACT I WILL LIKE YOU SO MUCH MORE IF YOU JUST WRITE DOWN THE GODDAMN NUMBER AND STICK IT ON THE FUCKING FRIDGE ahem sorry.

and i am above & beyond happy for you too however the fact that you are unable to cease to remind the universe of your MBA does not escape me. your kind are irritating, please learn that soon and guess what NO ONE CARES. i can share the most hilarious unbelievable stories culled from experiences you will never ever have and guess how many people deep down do not give a shit? all of them. no one cares unless it pertains to them and/or how it can possibly benefit them (sorry kinda tangenty there) so go tell it on the mountain, barnes and noble.

write and tell him, it will ensure he covers his ass a little better and has something to look forward to coming home to. way to blow it genius. why would someone not return based on your feelings, that’s ridiculous. oh man she loves me i’m going to lie down in a mine field now. if he dies that doesn’t change your feelings, but at least his heart would sing a little. seriously, write and tell him.

ugh that sucks. i don’t know what to say. drive your car through his livingroom? (KIDDING RELAX!) my first bf’s dad crashed his car through a variety store window in high school and afterward his nickname around town was CRASH isn’t that fuckin’ cool and funny? (picture a really hilarious big mouth fat guy) bye!

no he won’t cos you’re gonna put up with it forever and you know it so YOU fail.

hahaha i’m going to do that.

now THAT is a beautiful one.

GOD’S WILL GOD’S WILL GOD’S WILL BLAAAAAAH! really this is your giant secret? buh-oring. i know why don’t you have 19 children like the duggars because condoms are against the god law (pfft) and raising a clan is really special and healthy for each child’s individual psyche and the amount of attention is totes equally allocated to each one, no bad seeds there. if you need me i will be making fun of you forever.

sigh. this makes me super sad yet happy. speaks for itself i’ll just shut up for a second.

on the back it says sometimes the darkness is too dark. well, making fun of you aside, i think it’s kinda endearing also i was planning on riffing on the emo aspect of the message on the back COS IT’S SO TRUUUUUUUE!

yeah cool that’s really good for your vision obviously you are also a scholar (exame?) and funny thing i was just making a joke about eye exams yesterday in my head when we passed an eyeglasses store, it boasted of free eye exams and me with my ever-present internal stand-up dialogue came up with some material for that. EXAM!? BUT I HAVEN’T STUDIED! (don’t worry it’ll be over soon)

and now i will forever be attached to you like a fungus, co-dependent forevs! you are my identity you are my entire life i cannot deal without you baaaaaaaarf.

this one destroys me. only putting it up for more awareness. nah kidding, yeah hi i’m the blogger who makes fun of dead animals hahaha your animal looked for you BURN!

seriously i bawled my eyes out when i read this postcard then i showed it to fil and he sighed so hard the the light bulbs blew out.

that’s so cute can we go to a movie together please? it’s funny to me how if one really set their mind to it everything could be constantly wickedly awkward, these are the people i like. i am picturing you running up the aisle as fast as you can the second the movie ends cos that’s what i do, mostly to beat everyone to the bathroom but still you are adorable i will knit you a scarf.

ME TOO I HATE THEM! but i hate myself more for doing nothing about it, 2 years later and it’s still :34 o’clock oh my god if you can’t even organize your microwave clock how much of a gargantuan mess is the rest of your life!? get it together dude!

oh yay it’s someone i love just as much as abortion guilt girl SICKNESS ATTENTION GIRL (or guy)! a loser so insecure they feel the need to constantly test your friendship by fantasizing about car accidents, making up lies, creating jealousy traps whatever, just die already ok the only person who is going to visit you is the one you’re with and your family. if you treat people like garbage, no visitors. angel? visitors. GET A NEW FANTASY and what the hell does house have to do with any of this other than glorifying hospitals and warping your sense of reality so hard your delusions think aids is a good time.

well that’s the ticket! sitting around complaining about it will totally get you hooked up. you know when i let myself go i would obsess about it all the time but did i do anything about it? there was always an excuse to be lazy and not get up off my ass and get in shape or eat better, drink less. does that attitude get people skinnier? does chatting to someone online every single day about how much your life sucks make your life any better? point is, make that postcard the last whiner out of you. if you don’t meet anyone it’s cos you didn’t make an effort. there is someone out there for everybody you’d have to be a complete fuck up ignoramus not to be able to get one person interested in you. oh my god i am so annoyed right now i always get roped into pep-talking morons who never listen or take advice. common sense people, i do not possess a crystal ball!

did you bump into a psychiatrist or something cos that’s the oldest cliché in the book. it’s akin to oedipus complex (ps. barf) but based on your penmanship i assume you are a child anyway so, way to go scout?

me either! glad you joined? enjoy!

your feet are fat and no amount of cleverly placed gay photoshop flowers will hide it nice try.

EW WHAT IS IT!?

well i guess it depends on what they did. on the fence with this one. well not really, the punishment should fit the crime and if someone gets a little strangle along the way fine by me.

ugh. UGH. UGH. i don’t want to rip on true blood as i have never seen it and i feel like what happened with me and watching lost might happen again but regardless of that um, yeah. cool life.

oh look another cool story, happy with yourself there? i go out of my way to point out the case of water on the bottom of the cart you disgusting no good waste of pop chugging pig GROSS you are gross so totally gross and a terrible person i think i’m premenstrual now.

i was constipated when i came across this one and it actually helped. thanks!

in case you think i am a despicable human here is a picture of me hugging my brother to cancel it out.

TORONTO DENTIST

hippie shirt up for grabs, lucky brand, size i dunno. best offer. oh and that’s me with poodle hair. sorry, cid isnt for sale. though i keep trying.

cute print.

a little overwhelming.

don’t wear it with an xs leather jacket though unless you want to look like you escaped from the psych ward, but really, didn’t i anyway? feh.

britt looks like an archie character here. good thing. (holy shit update your blog already girl)

trying to get used to this poodle hair. britt says if i went on an audition with my hair like this i’d get the part. then i asked if she had a crush on me. the answer is no. NO SAN DIEGO. what a liar.

makeup reunited and it feeels so good. fil is sitting behind me and i am blocking him completely ha. off to sushi D on college. nice place, nice atmosphere, makes you order more food and stick around longer. smart guys.

just hangin’ that’s right omg i hate my jokes.

MATCHES MY HAIR! (k i like that one)

i feel like i haven’t been taking as many “still lifes” lately, or as many as i did when i really got into the blogging groove. as pretentious and artfully desperate as it seems, i always reasoned that to not acknowledge the effort one made in creating a beautiful space for you, their knick knacks, lighting, etc, i think that is such a waste why would i sit in this room with my camera not capturing it? our “things” have become more beautiful over time, think back to the 80s, all gross clunky junk just to serve a purpose, fill a need. now everything is beautiful to me. maybe it was the sake.

see? cold sake bottle with ice cube pieces in the center, intelligent. i don’t get people reacting haughtily to someone taking a picture of this. excuse me waitress could you send that table over there an order of go fuck themselves on me? that’d be great. maybe for hot sake they put a tea light candle in there? nah the wax would get everywhere.

one of the hundred necklaces i brought home from my aunt’s. excuse me where is the weed?

good sashimi, could do without the fishy stuff in the bottom right corner, tuna?

served with rice tits.

scorpion roll (eel tempura shrimp and avocado). these guys need to be a little less frugal with the spicy mayo.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

grossish.

after i complete the task of inhaling sashimi i pour my wasabi/soya concoction onto my rice and get off on the pockets of heat. try it!

britt is into the craft.

that’s so ugly. you know i’m kidding right i can’t tell if you can tell when i’m kidding anymore or i think my humour is so advanced that NO ONE can get it. like british humour.

sesame street vibe. mr. cooper anyone?

which way to the slumber party please.

i have my sleeping buddy ready and everything.

fil we’re home!

steph i am morphing into you.

HOLY TOLEDO! ok so i always thought secrets from your sister were sloppy slobs placing triple D bras on mannequins and stuffing them with tissue, to showcase that they have bras for stacked chicks, fine yeah but why so grotesque? turns out their mannequins are also stacked. hard to tell from across the street.

ridiculous!

i feel a draft. a gale force wind more like.

could that model be skinnier too?

new pub in town, has a tv in each booth (like 20 of them even the teeny ones) it’s called rovers and it’s right beside payless shoes across from honest ed’s.

watched kenny vs spenny. dream pub for nite’s out with brosz7 and fil and camera mafia wars talk i can watch entire episodes of whatever and tune them out.

then i took my blood pressure a thousand times.

do not take your blood pressure through a leather jacket.

hmm doesn’t seem normal.

remove jacket.

baha spooge cream. what we’re all out of lotion!

so i’m good here, even from talking and getting agitated by people walking near me, the most stressful shit could be happening all around me and my blood pressure would be fine.

except reading this part about diabetes/kidney disease, i’m like, so if my blood pressure is that then that means i HAVE kidney disease? oh yeah make sure you take your blood pressure after some sake and a vodka soda.

fil’s blood pressure is in the normal range but borderline high. i said maybe i should stand further away while you take this test haha.

my second shot at it. a bit higher.

everywhere i go this is pretty much what it looks like, just piles and piles of crap circled all around me. can’t help it, i need stuff. traveling gypsy.

down again. I WIN! I BEAT YOU BLOOD PRESSURE TEST!

cid was in time out heaven.

watched the big brother finale last nite. how badly do you want jordan and jeff to have their own reality spin-off show together!!!

Kevin sent you a message.

“WHATS SHAKIN? MY WORK PLACE HAS BLOCKED YOUR BLOGGER FOR INDESENT MATERIAL MY RETALIATION WAS ‘I DONT SEE THE PROBLEM,THOSE ARE VERY DESCENT BREASTS'”

who can guess the last time my actual breasts were even on this thing? at least a year ago, longer than a year ago in fact. why does the man want to bring me down?

i’m pretty sure reading about someone’s workout regimen is totally the most boring thing ever and annoying especially when you’re a lazy piece of shit, so i’ll spare you but i will say this, today i upped the amount of time spent doing cardio. you can snore now. and i could probably launch a boulder into the sun. just saying.

oh and i’m wearing sunglasses cos i forgot my makeup. heck yeah i work out with full on mariah carey face, it’s nothing but queens, drags and strippers at this gym, must sweat to impress.

next time i will work out in a garbage bag. i was going to make some videos to blog today but no makeup, trust me you don’t want to see it. next time i’ll show all the turbulence moves we do in the weight room so you can blow your head off from laughter.

britt’s over right now with a garbage bag full of amazing dresses. gonna model them and take photos later, all up for grabs.

sushi bender time!

i need to catch up on mafia wars like the cool guy i am.