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if you can’t bring goodness don’t bring any

it’s been awhile now since i’ve been a complete piece of shit around here so i guess that means it’s postsecret time.

oh look it’s a nasty jealous stupid fucking bitch great!

how terrible is it that the trait of passive aggression exists in humans? probably the most hated of all qualities, in my (totally always right) opinion. just something about it makes me want to curb stomp a motherfucker. hi i’m a loser and i’m going to take it out on you secretly over the span of many many months until you get wise to it and then i will torture you from afar by talking mad shit about you behind your back, trying to plant seeds of doubt and mistrust about you and psychologically fuck with you until you hate yourself. lets do lunch!

and don’t you DARE forgive her that is horrible who is this beast of a woman? you should tell everyone in fact, start with your entire family, beginning with mom. that is such an unforgivable mentally ill thing to do to someone, can you imagine finding out a babysitter did that to your kid? i would hit the fucking roof! (i should have ordered these differently, putting the ones that get me most steamed near the bottom of the post, though that’s basically all of them. the entire post would be empty for a good yard and then nothing but caps lock yelling keyboard mashing etc)

and those attachments are… cowboy beer hug skiing snowshoeing? i don’t want to make fun of this one too much cos it’s such an accurately self-aware secret and i applaud that but way to throw me off with the goofy postcard. STOP LINKING UP WITH UNHEALTHY PEEPS, GUY!

how can someone read post secrets all day? i assume there’s a messageboard for this stuff but i am also assuming the sender of this postcard is an idiot, you know there ARE other things on the internet why you gotta blame it all on postsecret oh my god this isn’t even a funny one next.

FAAHAHAHAHAHAHA COOL ONE. now, while i “get” the notion of outdoors snobbery (every clique has its own thing right, hipsters, jocks, hippies, and so on) i am picturing the biggest wiener ever here. nice rappel device and locking carabiner lets fuck! so you pass people havin’ a time on the trail totally enjoying themselves and you’re judging their shit. you win guy, you win. go walk off a cliff.

oh here we go touchy subject. i’m sorry you were perverted against but that in no way excuses continuing the cycle, do you want the earth to be filled with diddler rapists forever and ever? i don’t! so cut it the fuck out.

you’re right, it was god’s will for sure. totally so was he controls EVERYTHING so i’ma drink a cup of poison and if i survive it was because god cancels out poison like he sends letters to where they ought to go sans postage.

on the back it reads she really wants it but im afraid she’ll stop calling OOOOK so does this person have amnesia or something? all out of pens? evidently she’s made this recipe before yet forgets how to do it immediately after? has she not heard of the internet either? is it your daughter, i think it is holy crap she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed is she, yeah? this reminds me of a friend of mine who has been calling me for the number of a weed guy not kidding at all FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS WHY CAN’T YOU COMMIT THIS NUMBER TO MEMORY OR INPUT IT INTO YOUR CELL PHONE ALREADY I WILL NOT STOP LIKING YOU IF YOU STOP CALLING ME (I PROMISE!) FOR THE WEED GUY’S NUMBER IN FACT I WILL LIKE YOU SO MUCH MORE IF YOU JUST WRITE DOWN THE GODDAMN NUMBER AND STICK IT ON THE FUCKING FRIDGE ahem sorry.

and i am above & beyond happy for you too however the fact that you are unable to cease to remind the universe of your MBA does not escape me. your kind are irritating, please learn that soon and guess what NO ONE CARES. i can share the most hilarious unbelievable stories culled from experiences you will never ever have and guess how many people deep down do not give a shit? all of them. no one cares unless it pertains to them and/or how it can possibly benefit them (sorry kinda tangenty there) so go tell it on the mountain, barnes and noble.

write and tell him, it will ensure he covers his ass a little better and has something to look forward to coming home to. way to blow it genius. why would someone not return based on your feelings, that’s ridiculous. oh man she loves me i’m going to lie down in a mine field now. if he dies that doesn’t change your feelings, but at least his heart would sing a little. seriously, write and tell him.

ugh that sucks. i don’t know what to say. drive your car through his livingroom? (KIDDING RELAX!) my first bf’s dad crashed his car through a variety store window in high school and afterward his nickname around town was CRASH isn’t that fuckin’ cool and funny? (picture a really hilarious big mouth fat guy) bye!

no he won’t cos you’re gonna put up with it forever and you know it so YOU fail.

hahaha i’m going to do that.

now THAT is a beautiful one.

GOD’S WILL GOD’S WILL GOD’S WILL BLAAAAAAH! really this is your giant secret? buh-oring. i know why don’t you have 19 children like the duggars because condoms are against the god law (pfft) and raising a clan is really special and healthy for each child’s individual psyche and the amount of attention is totes equally allocated to each one, no bad seeds there. if you need me i will be making fun of you forever.

sigh. this makes me super sad yet happy. speaks for itself i’ll just shut up for a second.

on the back it says sometimes the darkness is too dark. well, making fun of you aside, i think it’s kinda endearing also i was planning on riffing on the emo aspect of the message on the back COS IT’S SO TRUUUUUUUE!

yeah cool that’s really good for your vision obviously you are also a scholar (exame?) and funny thing i was just making a joke about eye exams yesterday in my head when we passed an eyeglasses store, it boasted of free eye exams and me with my ever-present internal stand-up dialogue came up with some material for that. EXAM!? BUT I HAVEN’T STUDIED! (don’t worry it’ll be over soon)

and now i will forever be attached to you like a fungus, co-dependent forevs! you are my identity you are my entire life i cannot deal without you baaaaaaaarf.

this one destroys me. only putting it up for more awareness. nah kidding, yeah hi i’m the blogger who makes fun of dead animals hahaha your animal looked for you BURN!

seriously i bawled my eyes out when i read this postcard then i showed it to fil and he sighed so hard the the light bulbs blew out.

that’s so cute can we go to a movie together please? it’s funny to me how if one really set their mind to it everything could be constantly wickedly awkward, these are the people i like. i am picturing you running up the aisle as fast as you can the second the movie ends cos that’s what i do, mostly to beat everyone to the bathroom but still you are adorable i will knit you a scarf.

ME TOO I HATE THEM! but i hate myself more for doing nothing about it, 2 years later and it’s still :34 o’clock oh my god if you can’t even organize your microwave clock how much of a gargantuan mess is the rest of your life!? get it together dude!

oh yay it’s someone i love just as much as abortion guilt girl SICKNESS ATTENTION GIRL (or guy)! a loser so insecure they feel the need to constantly test your friendship by fantasizing about car accidents, making up lies, creating jealousy traps whatever, just die already ok the only person who is going to visit you is the one you’re with and your family. if you treat people like garbage, no visitors. angel? visitors. GET A NEW FANTASY and what the hell does house have to do with any of this other than glorifying hospitals and warping your sense of reality so hard your delusions think aids is a good time.

well that’s the ticket! sitting around complaining about it will totally get you hooked up. you know when i let myself go i would obsess about it all the time but did i do anything about it? there was always an excuse to be lazy and not get up off my ass and get in shape or eat better, drink less. does that attitude get people skinnier? does chatting to someone online every single day about how much your life sucks make your life any better? point is, make that postcard the last whiner out of you. if you don’t meet anyone it’s cos you didn’t make an effort. there is someone out there for everybody you’d have to be a complete fuck up ignoramus not to be able to get one person interested in you. oh my god i am so annoyed right now i always get roped into pep-talking morons who never listen or take advice. common sense people, i do not possess a crystal ball!

did you bump into a psychiatrist or something cos that’s the oldest cliché in the book. it’s akin to oedipus complex (ps. barf) but based on your penmanship i assume you are a child anyway so, way to go scout?

me either! glad you joined? enjoy!

your feet are fat and no amount of cleverly placed gay photoshop flowers will hide it nice try.


well i guess it depends on what they did. on the fence with this one. well not really, the punishment should fit the crime and if someone gets a little strangle along the way fine by me.

ugh. UGH. UGH. i don’t want to rip on true blood as i have never seen it and i feel like what happened with me and watching lost might happen again but regardless of that um, yeah. cool life.

oh look another cool story, happy with yourself there? i go out of my way to point out the case of water on the bottom of the cart you disgusting no good waste of pop chugging pig GROSS you are gross so totally gross and a terrible person i think i’m premenstrual now.

i was constipated when i came across this one and it actually helped. thanks!

in case you think i am a despicable human here is a picture of me hugging my brother to cancel it out.


26 thoughts on “if you can’t bring goodness don’t bring any

  1. Haa love the post secret posts. But I took that war one to mean she didn’t want to tell someone she loved them when they were just going to go and die. Not that her telling him would affect his chances, y’know.

  2. i do the peregrine falcon thing too! also i point out eagles. not just a “big bird”, that’s an “osprey”, i’d say. learn your birds, fuckers!


  3. the ‘age vs. chances of finding true love’ person has the axes of their graph mixed up. according to their graph, their age goes up as the chances go up, but then when their chances start going down, THEY GET YOUNGER.

    the sighing so hard the light bulbs blew out is a good one!

  4. Oh gawd I instantly bawled at that vet postcard too, couldn’t even read the next one until I composed myself.

    Gaaaaaaah animals strangle my heart.

  5. I actually had someone I know confide in me that they’re scared of the dark and sleep with a night light and right after they said they should send a post secret postacard of it. I’m totally wondering if that’s them now.

  6. Oh, the one about the vet is so sad. Im in tears here (years ago one of my cats had to be put to sleep and I was so sad and asked to leave, now Im sure Ill be thinking about it for 10 more years….)

  7. I laughed at the trueblood one. I love that show. I love the books too but it’s probably not for everyone.

    The vet one made me cry too. *snorts

  8. A lotta different postcards, it jumped around; maybe you could have made this a series trying to present postcards on a unifying theme. My thoughts will also be random:

    –I had an uncle who absolutely loved HOUSE. He’s a French-Canadian from near Quebec City. I don’t know if he saw the French dubbing but I think he stood a chance of watching it in the original English. As you know, Hugh Laurie totally reformed his way of speaking to appear as an American doctor in this series. It would have been funny to send my uncle DVDs of an earlier Hugh Laurie portraying various British twits in the four BLACKADDER series. I missed my chance…my uncle died a few weeks ago.

    –child urine abuse, child sexual abuse, holy cow! the most I had to worry about as a kid was that I think Janey stole my 10-color pen, the cool thing with switches that would lower a new color of ink, and I couldn’t prove she swiped it and I never got it back. But as an adult making money I bought 3 or 4 of them, and they come with SMELLS now, bahahaha. Sweet revenge of a sort!

    –that kitchen recipe postcard seems loaded with subliminals to appeal to the Desperate Housewives. Doesn’t the spout of the teapot look like one big uncircumcised dick? And the apple could represent a woman’s parts. And the cherries in the bottom corner are symbolic of balls. I am NOT a kook!

    –awww, the guy needs a night-light? I want the room as dark as I can make it, for if you have perfect dark, you can close your eyes and imagine the ceiling is 200 feet away and not six feet. And if 200 feet, why not an infinity? Why not all the walls dropping away and you’re hanging suspended in the Cosmos? “My God, it’s full of stars!” Of course I’m not the sort of guy satisfied with just ONE planet, but since they gutted the NASA budget to pay for animal shelters for indignant cats or some shit, it looks like I’m doomed to walk only this one…but sometimes my mind goes somewhere ELSE…

    It would be profoundly depressing to get signals from an alien civilization and learn that most of their beings are caught in low-status jobs, working the standard 19-to-37 shift (on their clock). We must mount a rescue-mission forthwith? Who’s with me?!

  9. sorry about your uncle pierre :( my pen was stolen in grade 1 and the teacher didnt believe me, this bitch chewed it at the end to make it look like hers. ran into her dj sister month ago or so and almost told her about it. i didnt.

  10. whoever made that graph is an idiot. so they are every age twice? age isn’t going to keep them from finding a lover, stupidity is. then again, i guess most people don’t do math tests on dates.

  11. Raymi, i willed myself a few months ago to stop wasting entire afternoons reading your blog, yet for some reason today, i decided to drink my second cup of joe with you. i’m glad i haven’t put on any fucking eyeliner yet, because your vet postcard comments nearly killed me.
    so, thanks! sadly, my stomach needed the laugh workout.

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