oh yeah so i sometimes take down notes when something i find to be funny, useful, blog-worthy, whathaveyou comes to mind as i’m givin’er ie. the internet machine is turned off. then fil is all what did you just write down? and i have to explain it and he is usually givin’er also so the idea CLEARLY is a good one to us cos we sit there nodding in silence at what i just read aloud but the true test is whether it makes it to my www soapbox the next day or not. with each passing day after the shit i long-handed is not blogged, that’s usually a sign the thing was not actually funny or really 99% of the time i am too lazy to put the brainpower into following through with it. (guess what, you know this thing is like actual work sometimes. you try coming up with twenty thousand captions a year. i actually just did some math to come up with that number and simplified the hell out of it it’s more like 50 BILLION captions anyway back to how tough this is) usually i just blog verbatim what i wrote down and leave it at that. now that’s just lazy of me right. i have to stop doing that and it starts right now!

RAYMI’S GUIDE TO GETTING STUCK TALKING TO SOCIALLY AWKWARD ANNOYING BORING PARTY GUESTS

now i know this will not accurately apply to everybody because i for one quite enjoy the company of the socially inept. i find solace in them but mostly it gives me the opportunity to conversation hog, steer the verbal ship in any direction i please and so on. even when they are giant debbie downers i will still grace them with an hour of my time and take every negative thing they have to say. what is wrong with me other than everything.

but really, many of you aren’t as nice as me and much prefer to hover in your cliquey judgmental circles instead, leaving the loners to sit with their arms crossed staring at the floor. rude. so what to do? cos we all want to hang with our pals for the majority of the nite but we don’t want to look like dicks right.

get your party martyrdom out of the way at the beginning of the nite and don’t be too greedy about it either. i could talk someone’s face off for five hours if you’d let me. fuck, even a houseplant, i’m easy. point being, as tough as it can be to break away from loner lisa when there’s no one else to pawn her off on you gotta do it cos later on you will pass each other in the hall and you will get a stingy guilt pang, the more time spent with loner lisa, the more guilt you’re dealt. like oh shit i learned all about her dead hamster and now look at me a stumbling drunken asshole party machine, i’m not the same person loner lisa thought i was two hours ago (it’s like i lied to her) and worse, she gives you that look like how could you, she thought you were different because you were, you appealed to all her needs, you were a good listener, you gave and took equally but now you’re just explosively selfishly doing a dickhead dance in the middle of the room taking all the glory and tomorrow morning guess what your hangover anxiety is going to be focused on? yep. loner lisa’s family farm that was taken away when her dad filed for bankruptcy. happy now?

i guess i’m writing this as a plea for your advice too. 9 out of ten parties i go to the first half is spent devouring some stranger’s secrets (i have this thing about me i suppose where people feel totally compelled to tell me super personal shit and that’s cool not complaining) and the second half is spent hiding behind ikea shelves avoiding eye contact because i know if i see nerdy norbert again i will include him in whatever i am doing, then my shithead friends will be mean to him, roll their eyes at me and one by one ditch me with him and then i’m back at stage one and guy usually misreads my friendliness and it gets awkward.

another tip is find another socially awkward fella and pair them off. well, in theory you’d think that’d work simple but then you have TWO mutes standing side-by-side staring at you like you’re a trained monkey i am so sick of doing all the work for these guys holy can they make one iota of effort ever? ha ha i like how i am the victim now. one time i thought i was helping someone out by doing that bridget jones move this is blah blah and blah blah likes movies and cheese, blah blah meet bla bla. bla bla also likes movies and cheese. later on they turn on each other, some kind of out-geeking competition and decide to gossip to me about the other like i gave a fuck i don’t know either of you go away stop rubber-necking every time i move the direction of my gaze to catch my eye and nod at me like we are in this together or something!

in conclusion, at parties if it is at all possible, leave your conscience at home.

at this point i realised this was a good skinny pose so i abandoned trying to capture my nails in macro and focused on myself instead.

ha see. these are from sunday.

nice and yellow. beauty.

there we go full outfit. fantastic. glowing reviews on the street. sunday was pretty emo for me. one part due to recuperation from saturday and also maybe some hormonal thing. my body is so ready to have this fucking iud OUT and for the most part i can humour my moods and feelings pretty well but some days it sneaks up on me and not much help is required in inspiring a meltdown. like every thing that is bothering you ever bothers you all at once and you’re like yep, gonna flippin’ oot here it comes blaaaagh! my appt is tomorrow to have a swab (gross word, theirs not mine) and i dunno if that means they will take it out or not. i should probably call my doctor’s office today note to self.

hahaha. aw. so i went for an emo walk to hmv to track down a dvd for my pa. (father’s day is this coming sunday i won’t be around for it sorry i’ll make it up to you! i am removing myself from the city for a little break and heading north to skid country).

a few weekends ago i saw a burlesque dancer in this window from across the street and a giant horny tourist mob was gathered around the window. pretty funny. the chick was bangin’ too.

these things mesmerized me for a few moments.

taking “arty” or non-norm pictures in front of strangers is oftentimes a funny experience. they get this look on their face like W T F WHY is she d-o-i-n-g THAT!? it’s like planet of the geniuses every time a camera’s whipped out holy fuck people relax.

then i was over it.

adorable window display.

i love this little chocolate store. have not ever bothered going in, can only imagine the ridiculous prices.

a bout of starvation-induced crazy made me do it. wasn’t feelin’ the bloor street festivities. how fun is standing up and eating in a giant crowd? anyone? exactly. also that sour cream had a giant mould blob in the middle, i have to go back today and return it so annoying. the valumart in manulife center is buzzkill enough as is. thanks guys. i forwent cheese for that garbage thinking what a treat. in the end it worked out though, the chicken with onion and pepper fajita spices and salsa was delicious enough. fil had 7 of them.

rotisserie weakness. we boiled the carcass, bones, fat etc down to make more chicken stock you really need to do that as well.

now what could you possibly want?

deadly.

uh, what?

i like your intentions at least. ew oh yeah that woman blew a gigantic (and loud) snot rocket onto the pavement. chinese food craving window closed for the summer.

fil wants to make the most of these two nites we have left together alone (tomorrow nite is nxne party) he is already missing me. i should go away more often. dudes are predictably cute. you annoy them when yer around, they miss you like crazy when you’re gone. ps. fil is just as, if not more, annoying than i am.

i wasn’t planning on the gut rot beverage but last minute flaked out on the spot. fil finished his in two minutes.

emo day 2.

i love baldwin street.

we switched spots when this couple left for the table with the best view.

i let him have the rest. we went to the lcbo on spadina and found these single cans of mojitos and margaritas. actually, MIKE-aritas and MIKE-itos or whatever (mike’s hard family) and i said you could just dump one in your glass if you wanted. didn’t. also the mojitos are way too sweet, the margaritas are golden.

hi.

then we ordered that hank and mike movie i was a (fat) burlesque dancer in and ugh BRUTAL. turned it off halfway through.

+++

hey i have access to a sweet pair of true FRONT ROW CENTER seat tickets for DEPECHE MODE with Peter, Bjorn and John JULY 24 at Molson Amphitheatre – any takers? email me if so. SECT 102 ROW A 16 & 17 BEST OFFER gets ‘em. check the seating plan here. clearly they’re worth a nice little mint.

postsecret recanize.

um you WORK IN A GODDAMN VIDEO STORE!

ok i get it maybe only like once but if you’re doing this frequently then um, fuck whatever enjoy.

that was actually helpful. thank you.

you are too brutal for words. like for instance how you couldn’t get the right “lose” in there and also hello, you want to be a giant sleazebag for your sister’s guy? you realize there are other men out there right? or are you that cliché family member who looks forward to that one annual gathering just to check out all your in-laws and cousins? barf on you.

i once called in sick to work BECAUSE I THINK I’M CARRIE BRADSHAW OMGLOLZFTW!!

don’t bother wimp. your music is shit and no one downloads your songs anyway. this is you: GIRL I LOOOOVE YOU BUT I HAD TO DUUUMP YOU SO I COULD BUSK ON A STREEEET COOOORNER DURING SXSW I’M SORRRY SORRY SORRRY sorry sorry…fade into coral chimes tinkling in the breeze.

THANK YOU JESUS FOR TAKING AUNT JOAN SO THAT I COULD HAVE THIS HELLO KITTY SANDWICH PRESS AND I’M PRETTY SURE MY FRIEND RHODA IS JAZZED SHE ONLY HAS ONE BREAST NOW THAT HER BLENDER MATCHES HER SHOES for real it’s allllll good girl!

seriously, i am gobsmacked by the audacity of your stupid selfishness. please get severe breast cancer that riddles and spreads throughout your entire body asap.

thank you for this new phobia to add to my collection.

well look at you all smug. why would you waste people’s time with such a pointless boring lie? do you know how much i tune people out when anything remotely exercise-related comes into conversation so really you blew it for yourself. you get like three fibs a year and you just used ‘em all up with this piece of shit. did you follow it up with winning the lottery and flying a helicopter? NO MORE YAWNSICLE PIE PLEASE ALL FULL HERE. word to the pathological liars out there, give it a rest. we know you’re lying we just don’t care enough to interject, it’s easier if you run out of steam on your own volition, i’m tired of busting you too. it’s awkward. thank you for making me feel awkward and uncomfortable. here’s an idea, go DO something then tell me about it. no one’s life is EVER that dramatic alright, so shut the fuck up.

STOP WATCHING OPRAH THEN YOU BATSHIT CRAY CRAY WOMAN!

move to canada you guys are so common here it would be no biggie at all (no one should have to tolerate slurs ever) short of that, school yourself with some good whitey jokes.

very true for the most part howevs some goodies are good from the start and should not be faulted for possessing cool skills from day one.

ahem, or maybe perhaps for the more obvious reasons you are clearly in denial of.

take this information to a head doctor. people who think they hear voices (god) are not well. if anything it was a temporary glitch from too much sun. no one is speaking to you. you haven’t been chosen. ugh. not being mean here, just concerned.

make it interesting on your own you don’t need a fucking author to narrate the minutiae of your daily life. that’s what blogs are for, jeezus lazy!

ok either your friends suck or you are boring. pick one. then remedy it. make new friends or stop long-winding the hell out of the ones you’ve got. when friends of mine haven’t read a certain anecdote i put on this shitfactory i don’t bawl my eyes out over it, i just retell the story in short-form IF it’s something worth retelling. i don’t expect someone IRL to care about me walking down the stairs to my bike, unlocking it, yanking it out of the bike rack, getting steamed over it being jammed between two garbage bikes, etc etc zzzz yawn. let me see your blog please and i will let you know if your friends are jerks or not.

capital Oh Please. WHO CARES LADY! you are cuckoo bananas as if this “secret” burned you up inside so much so that you had to mail it in. you just wanted an excuse to go HELLO WORLD i have a baby and i love my baby BABY BABY BABY BABY GOO GOO GAH GAH. time to start socializing again.

thanks i run out of those things so fast. your passive aggression does not deserve acknowledgment.

you’re a fool. does spelling because becuz also make you feel cool? whole foods makes me feel the opposite of cool, it makes me feel enraged, irritated and broke.

oh will you people give it a rest? the connection of losing his job to losing his house and now his marriage all has to do with MONEY not RELIGION. stop scapegoating your life away, man up and face facts for what they are not some fictitious hocus pocus esxcusey bullshit. GROAN.

hey thanks!

now that’s not going to end in a ridiculous mess at all.

so we went to the island yesterday despite overcastish skies and in the end the sun came through for us, awwright. i stupidly abandoned my bikini bottoms cos i figured it wouldn’t get warm. oh well. casie was down for the count as was candice. good times. i’ve got picture overload so i’m just snaggin’ some highlights for now.

it was dave‘s first island experience (holy crap update your site guy).

i don’t know what this is but it seems to happen every year on the island.

that girl was feeling us (not).

ha ha that’s casie’s promotional url sticker i slapped on his nose thing.

i love this cat.

peaches and cream barbie!

great views.

we ordered an extra large pizza with extra cheese and pepperoni and i feel like i’m the one who quite possibly ate the most, likely? probably. sorry.

hot tub. i tried on that suit too, very cougish. awesome.

then we went to the pool. then we took the streetcar home and i fell asleep immediately. awesome day. awesome company. now today’s weather would be perfect beach weather so get out there.

xoxo

passing by a boutique yesterday this little dog caught my eye so i went in to say hello and take a few pics (have a couple pom enthusiast friends) then i realised i was in the notorious champagne and cupcakes (if you don’t know about this story and you live in toronto, wear clothes…omg read it!) anyway had a poke around and saw a fuscia version of the dress kept my cool more or less ha. then i saw the feather headbands at the back of the store and figured i should buy one for Rethink Romp.

necklaces to die for.

i want that bow one badly.

swooning over here.

so what did i get? and i am glad i did this cos at the rethink romp they had many tables offering feather headpieces and i’m sure i’d have drunk shopped something tacky.

it even broke my heart just to unwrap it hahaha chicks are fucked eh? before i delicately unsheathed it i had to sigh at least five times.

it was a toss up between this or a soft yellow/black feather. red always wins in the end.

success! actually had a pair of unspoiled thigh high fishnets. the name of the company that makes these feather bands is ophelie h.a.t.s and they are based in montreal. Caroline Lim of CnC says they are vintage feathers, or maybe she said antique? same thing right? anyway it’s not a new feather plucked from a new bird, wherever it came from that bird is long dead by now.

rush job literal last minute on way out the door. i remember wearing nail stickers before they actually encourage you to not bite your hails. nail biter tip!

i think teddy is his name (says so on the site). i really need to take notes when i walk around or talk to anyone, ever.

gah too cute.

i didn’t take any photos of the store itself cos i felt, i dunno, tense? it felt too sacred and knowing the back story drama definitely added to it. there’s some pictures on the website of the boutique. i caught a glimpse of a wedding gown hanging up in a dressing room and almost fainted.

here’s the feather in action. oh and i killed at roulette once i figured it out. i better win that blackberry!

we are going to Rethink Romp tonite. what the hell should i wear? i refuse to buy something new. suggestions? the theme is prohibition 20s/30s era obvs. i will have to sort through my pile of fishnets. damn i wish i had a spring trench coat.

yesterday was a time for firsts. the sound of music braids firsts. not bad not bad. fil dug ‘em they may or may not have led to sex. haha.

will soon require a new book shelf for coffee table-sized books.

the next time i dare speak on a panel i will wear these MF’ers.

and now it’s time for the shit i obsessively hoard and never dust component of this blog post.

this nxne rabbit has for sure got to be worth something by now.

pancake bear. jamie sent me him at least four years ago.

then we tried to smile with our eyes.

pancake head bear has an unfair advantage.

dusty head choco cat i bought from the sanrio store in times square when i was 18. if you ever come over or have been over you get a tour of my chachka shelf whether you like it or not. most people like it. then we go over to the fil shrine which gives me the opportunity to rip on fil for a good five minutes. FUN.

this is what my hair looks like with my eyes closed in case you were wondering.

this was my brother’s as a baby then it made its way into my room when he wasn’t looking and i finally tiefed it once and for all. he probably has some stupid name, can’t remember.

grade 9 pretention.

my miniature band-aid box is smaller than my pinky nail. you have to come over and see it in person i know alicia would faint. if a mini parcel box can almost bring her to tears then this guy for sure wll bring her to her knees.

lise, your hurro kitty has a nice new life. just an update.

“organization” land. ok i’ll show you what’s inside

(is this boring or interesting i can’t tell).

my zune and zune accessories live in here and lint brush refills as well as sequins i brought out from my sewing bag when sass and i (and brosz7) were watching america’s next top model and we saw sequins were being glued to their faces during hair and makeup for the season finale. so now the sequins hang out in this drawer. originally purchased for felt creature decoration which never happened. i like to admire them in their packages just like that. i’m a simple woman.

my paints. for the longest time i kept them in a big plastic bag and stashed it beside the tv along with other junk to give this place an endearing squalorish vibe. these drawers come right out so when i paint i just take the whole thing over to the painting station and off i go.

brushes, markers etc belong here. i bet only one of those sharpies barely works too.

more misc. junk ok i am actually getting bored now.

ankle/wrist weights heavier than the entire shelf stand itself.

cid and box update: no change.

then fil shoved me on the couch on our way out the door.

rolu is tops for people spying cos of that great big mirror.

this is what hanging out with fil is like.

ignored via mirror vision.

i like that it is always christmas at rolu just like in our place.

if your order makes it to 20 dollars, for two dollars more you can get another roll (or something else) so we did that to have stuff to take home for later.

i needed shampoo. i got that and more for 6.49 (that kit was originally $14) oh man how long til i get into amway?

those guys also might or might not have helped us hug with our pants off TMI right. they’re size large for someone who is between 69-87lbs ie. not a 26 year old. no matter, they fit and hello 2.99 from over ten bucks, seven pairs? decent. clearance rack is the first thing we beeline for, i think shoppers might be my favourite store now.

1.99 each from 3.99 – felt like a deal.

i think he likes my hair. i practiced smiling like kirstin dunst in the mirror (she often wears her hair like this) you know her teeth showing dimples vampire thing, um, does not work on my face.

i will master this ‘do to perfection.

we then watched smother (not bad, not too good, some really funny dialogue, but a tad spotty) and gran torino. oh man clint eastwood slays.

mardi gras headpiece/mask hanging up at southern accents i finally figured out what it was after all this time just figured it was some kind of cuckoo chandelier. we went for dinner with my aunt two nites ago there and had the prix fixe, so so filling. this is the only picture i took.

thanks for watching!