me: i need to get something to wear to yer work thing
fuck
last year i looked like a potato this year i have to look slammin

me: well are you or aren’t you
your wants wont help me not look like a potato

hey gang on thursday i am going to be a burlesque dancer in a canadian feature film called hank and mike i think it will be in the film festival in 2008 sometime and then after that who knows. initially i was maybe suppose to be a nude model in this scene with the dude who does the voice of fat tony for the simpsons (joe mantegna) but i wasn’t “fat enough” or “reubenesque enough” can you believe it? i am sort of dreading the shoot cos i am pasty and i don’t have shoes and i don’t have a robe. i have to get one. it’s too late to go tanning cos i will most definitely fuck it up and have lobster ass.

laura bennett, jugface, bottom middle

is anyone watching project runway these days? don’t you HATE that jugface pregnant bitch!?! when we watch it i say at least ten times how much i hate her and how much of a bitch she is. all she does is criticise EVERYONE else’s work and then during her one-on-one camera chats she talks about how she criticised everyone else’s work and how she didn’t jump up off the couch to greet the no-chin/neck tattoo guy I FUCKING HATE HER. fil told me to tell you that he hates that shovelface too.

she’s pretentious and snotty and a tattle-tail and cannot take criticism at all but is always number 1 to dish it out i am in fucking love with hating her. last nite’s episode we got to see her apartment and her 4 boys, 5 maybe? i dunno but i was thinking BURN ON YOU YOU WANT A GIRL SO BAD AND THE ONE IN YOUR STOMACHE WILL PROBABLY BE A DUDE and her husband looks like einstein.

you really need to watch the show to get the full grasp of just how much her face really is a jug.

all of her designs are exactly alike, long plunging necklines, empire waisted cocktail dresses zzz AND when she sees other people’s designs she goes over and tells them that she is worried about them planting seeds of doubt and insecurity, she can’t handle competition and the only way to thwart it INSTEAD of creating something unique is to bash someone else’s design FUCK OFF.

this is the best mad tv spoof ever:

project runway – mad tv

canada party

future boyfriend john

hahahaha

me: why dont u write about last nite
when u lost the ability to communicate
because you were in a drunk vortex

Phil: super busy
i will tomorrow

me: i am kidding

Phil: i was

me: k
were we kidding

Phil: y

me: k
sigh im bored im going to go figure something to do with my life
should i be an engineer too

Phil: i thought you are going to be a famous(er) internet/media figure/writer

me: yeah well that too
i am already making that happen by eating less, which is boring

Phil: then write more

me: i figure while i am eating less i could be a pilot

Phil: work on that gallery thing you were talking about before
make that happen

me: fil i am taking the piss right now
jeez

Phil: oh

me: i have to wii exercise
see you

Phil: i am distracted with numbers right now
k bye

sigh.

saganaki

seconds before my face is almost taken out.

also did you hear about sarah taylor?

if you ever want me to clean your kitchen do something to piss me off and i will bleach the fuck out of your oven and fantastik the shit out of your counter. i don’t do floors. cleaning solves all the world’s problems. i may still want you to die but at least all the shoes are in order and my underwear is folded and the toilet is clean.

this might be the hundredth time i have said this but when i worked at the hardware store on saturdays cleaning the bathroom was my favourite cos i could stretch it out to last an hour and i would listen to my cd walkman and tune everyone out and then you get really into being anal about soap residue and fallen out hairs and destroying the planet by using a thousand paper towels to wipe stuff clean fuck the planet i hate my life!

i can’t wait for fifty comments about cleaning obsession.

saying CD WALKMAN really dates it no? wow sorry, fossil!

oh man i LOVE ray liotta he and kiefer sutherland should have their own talk show remember this?

the broker pancaketuesday’s new video. el hystericle!!