i sneaked my way in these cops were like um no you can’t go this way and i was like um i have to go get my car from budget and they said no try again in two hours so then i walked thru the fancy hotel front door area through the courtyard oh hello there’s budget. suckers. as i was leaving the scene i took a corner to go to bloor i overheard some guy scream into his fone WHAT THE ROOF COLLAPSED?!!
where will the yuppies sit tonite whilst trying to look important and where will the celebrities go from now on? whatever.
when i first showed up it looked like they could save the place though it was still burning and by now if the roof has collapsed well, say o nara!
*update yes the roof collapsed the entire thing is destroyed but they’re saying they might be able to save the structure. feh.
-connie chung
ps i bet it set on fire cos my blog title today is PAT BURNS no wait pat burns started it not only am i a reporter but a scientific researcher AND detective too!
IF I WIN I WILL GET PLASTIC SURGERY SPECIFICALLY LIPOSUCTION AND I WILL GET A FAKE TAN TATTOOED ALL OVER MY BODY AND I WILL GET HAIR EXTENSIONS DOWN TO MY ASS AND I WILL CARRY A LITTLE DOG AROUND WITH ME AT ALL TIMES BECAUSE I LOVE YOU GUYS THAT MUCH.
i have figured out a new way to make myself crap if i am constipated or on a no-crapping streak. all i have to do is THINK about having to call someone on the fone and my bowels loosen way faster than after a cigarette or a coffee. i was about to call this one bar/resto to reserve some tables for fil’s birthday thing this saturday (his birthday is actually sunday if you are cool and want to come to the saturday thing email me and i will invite you too) anyway i pictured myself getting up, going to the bedroom to get my fone and then talking to a stranger and i immediately DOVE to the toilet. NICE.
oh i just remembered another thing people say that makes me want to set them on fire:
when they do their yearbook grad write-ups and their first line typically is WELL WHAT CAN I SAY?
and then you go through the other write-ups and they ALL begin like that!? fuckers, try SAYING something and then you will KNOW WHAT YOU CAN SAY!
stop trying to be all grandiose and mysterious you are a fucking loser who i don’t even know and i am only reading your dumb blurb cos you went to my cousin’s school who are you? no one. why are you being all dramatic like high school was this huge planet in outerspace that you conquered finally DUDE all you did was go to school and to classes and ate french fries in the cafeteria and wrote bad poetry about your acne fuck off already.
this is you
WELL WHAT CAN I SAY?
and this is me
WHAT OF YOURS CAN I STEAL AND BURN?
this is you
WELL WHAT CAN I SAY?
and this is me
SAY TO ME FIVE REASONS WHY I SHOULDN’T PUNCH YOUR VOCAL CHORDS OUT SO THAT IN THE FUTURE WHEN YOU FINALLY FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS YOU CAN SAY YOU WILL HAVE THE ABILITY TO DO THAT COS I DID NOT PUNCH OUT YOUR VOCAL CHORDS COS YOU TOLD ME FIVE REASONS WHY I SHOULDN’T.
this is you
WELL WHAT CAN I SAY?
and this is me
DUDE I DON’T EVEN CARE YOUR FACE IS FAT
and then you read on and see all these initials of people that are their friends GB HR SJ TR BB FY (totally jokes guy) GG (nice pants!) KL FH and so on
ungh is this the davinci code and i am tom hanks? am i suppose to care that you shouted out 5 people am i suppose to go through the entire yearbook and match up the initials and see if they left some secret message to you HEY THANKS COS I HAD LIKE 3 HOURS THAT I TOTALLY WANTED TO BLOW BUT NO IDEA WHAT TO DO THANKS BRIAN GARRISON THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!111
1. i don’t even know you so my caring what you have to say is probably 3%
2. and now you are making me WAIT to read what you have to say the fucking nerve
ALSO you know what i had to say in my yearbook?
NOTHING. i didn’t have my picture taken i didn’t write shit i didn’t buy it either. though there is some slutty goth hate poetry that was published in it of mine cos some yearbook nerds were in my classes and obviously my writing talents are supreme. thinking back on it now if i could travel back in time to write something i would say that one of the teachers in our school is a dyke and will do something innapropriate with a female student and get fired. nah. i dunno. what do you think i would write?
some of the good ones are when the total outcasts write that they will be someone some day and that everyone will be sorry AHAHAAhahahahaa. i’d probably write something like that.
oh yeah at prom i won an award for funniest person which basically is saying you blew every chance you had at achieving excellency in maths and sciences and english Buuuut we did enjoy the laughs.
rented miami vice last nite and it’s good if you somehow possess a magical instrument that enunciates everything everyone in that fucking movie is saying and screams it out for you OH MY GOD this movie almost made fil and i break up
me: what?!
fil: i dunno
me: TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON WHAT DID HE SAY?!
FIL: i DONT FUCKING KNOW
me: OK GREAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON
FIL: AM I SOMEHOW ABLE TO HEAR WHAT THEY ARE SAYING BETTER THAN YOU?!
and so on.
i mean, is it too much to ask of the actors to enunciate and speak without their hands covering their mouths or to NOT look away into the wind and say a long fucking monologue WHY can i hear everything you are saying on that high-powered speedboat but when you are sitting in a room with no other sounds, nothing else going on I CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING YOU SAY!!!?
yea yeah that’s great miami vice homage and all but i’m sorry that fucking hair colin farrell is sporting is absolutely disgusting and why are his eyebrows two different sizes?
also, in the beginning of the movie this one prostitute gets all punched up but they can’t do anything about it cos some other crap is going down and they are like DON’T WORRY THEIR DAY WILL COME IT’S SO AND SO’S LUCKY DAY um more like so and so’s fucking YEAR cos unless i am retarded, i don’t recall the vice squad re-visitting that case they were initially working on and so i’m all pissed off and on-edge about this chick getting roughed up but think it’s ok cos that guys gonna get it, but he doesn’t, the end.
you see some tits and ass and will pretty much want to move to havana after seeing this.
