results are in i’m winning for best blog and best personal blog but rick mercer is beating me for best humour blog so all my harassing wasn’t all for naught. i’m second behind rick mercer how nice would it be if a non-television “celebrity” beat out rick mercer? so yeah voting opens again on the 25th of november. thank you everyone who voted thus far you’re the best oh no wait, i am.
The top 5 blogs in each category move on to round 2. In the event of a tie for 5th place the category will be expanded to add these additional blogs in the 2nd round of voting.
Subject: hurro To: rick@rickmercer.com
you are beating me but not by much for best canadian humour blog i plan to win and if i do can i be on your show? i’ll even starve myself nicole richie style oh i will also win best canadian blog and best personal blog, just saying stick that in your blog and smoke it rick mercer!
i went to my cousin’s smelting party (you get a bunch of nets and catch smelts when they are “running”) at ozone creek here is what happened — the party gets all end of dazed and confused and people take to their tents and campers so we have to go home but home is far and we were staying at this camp at gravel river about 10 miles away so we’re on our way back and we got the least drunk one to drive who was also the MOST stoned and we are in this giant hippie van that is from 1969 and seats 19 but there are only 10 of us, my cousin’s friend swany is simulating a blowjob on a smelt, the only smelt of the night that was caught, and he stole it from the guy who was so happy to have it and my cousin was very strung out on coke so he punched him in the head and THAT’S when we hear the driver go
what the fuck is a horse doing on the middle of the road in northwestern ontario
he has time to say all that and then BAM we pegged off a moose and i looked behind us and the moose was still standing! it was like in dazed when they throw the bowling ball through the window then we all laugh and pass out at gravel river the end oh we found some fur in the side of the van on the window pane
on a completely interesting note i have finally for reeeeals decided to have grown-up fingernails. i have never had long fingernails cos i bite them and i am happy to share that 3 nails are longish right now. THREE! that’s huge! HUGE NEWS! huge.
unfortunately there is a huge chance they will be mangled by the end of the nite cos i have an even more annoying habit of flicking them against each other during tv time and it drives fil batshit crazy oh i’m just full of surprises, world!
ok the movie we watched last nite was YOU ME AND DURPEE now you may have seen it or you’ve heard things about it sucking, and it sort of does and duh i am going to tell you all the reasons why but it’s still ok to rent, not saying that you won’t come away absolutely pissed off or anything however based on past F reviews i’ve doled out half of you say that you LOVED that movie hence my concluding most of you are a chromosome short, ANYWAY, here are my MOVIE OPINIONS in point form, i’ll begin with the reasons why it is bad and nothing will be in order oh and for shit sake stop reading now if you don’t wanted it to be spoiled unlike last time some trollop was like I HATE YOU RAYMI WAH BLA like i controlled her eyes and forced her to read my shitty blog:
-there’s a slow-motion triumphant walking sequence and bad enough as that is, the ones doing the slow-motion triumphant walking are little pieces of shit kids and dupree is leading the pack O!M!G! enough said.
-matt dillon’s character starts hitting the sauce major cos he is stressed about work and dupree and kate hudson’s dad who is played by michael douglas anyway, they set it up so he’s drinking hard liquor every nite and you know it’s coming you know the part where she is all YOU ARE DRINKING TOO MUCH is just around the corner and THEN it gets to the very scene in the kitchen she leans over the kitchen island and there is even a fucking bottle of hooch THAT SHE FUCKING LOOKS AT WITH A I AM GOING TO MENTION THIS BOOZING look on her face and he’s leaning against the other counter and she starts her speech and COMPLETELY FUCKING DOESN’T SAY A WORD ABOUT HIS BOOZING AT ALL the entire movie they set it up like it’s going to be an extra point to inevitably dwell on but then isn’t.
THAT would be like ME collecting newspapers for weeks on end cos i planned to construct a papier mache scale model of the couch so i’m all IN YOUR FACE collecting papers and magazines and asking for you to not throw yours away and this goes on WEEKS and then i just MOVE ON to another project and then you don’t even ask me about the papier mache couch i was planning to make like a fucking moron, you don’t even acknowledge the stacks of newspaper everywhere the fire hazard what is my surroundings instead you are all HEY RAYMI LETS GO GET SANDWICHES.
-michael douglas as dad is exactly how he was in that other wedding movie he was in like fuck off already with the father of the kid getting married movies and stop with the kung-fu i am a millionaire master of my domain moves already you are not the boss of the world nor is your hair and you have shitty comedic timing and when i picture you having sex with catherine zeta jones or making out with sharon stone, i barf through my nose.
-in the beginning of the movie we hate kate hudson cos she is like the witch wife fun-ruiner but then woah didn’t see that coming 180 happens and we like her and HATE matt dillon like WHAT_THE_FUCK? oh and also she drinks a lot of wine too so you are way boner over that until the dream sequence when she’s wearing a bathing suit and heels on a boat (hmm overboard anyone?) and her hair is all huge and blond and she looks EXACTLY like goldie hawn and it IS sickitating.
-there is also this one part that fully should have been a deleted scene, dupree is at the school where hudson teaches and she tells him the librarian is a slut and all these dudes walk by slowly and nod at him like they banged her too and it’s the worst most uncomfortable not funny or necessary scene i canNOT wait for you to see it!
all these things aside and despite the shoddy execution of production on this gem it’s still entertaining and worth seeing cos there are some decent funny bits specifically the end where dupree is “throwing seven different kinds of smoke” oh and i hope you didn’t read any of this if you are actually planning to rent it.
my milk bag post got the internet in a big war specifically albertians vs ontarians cos i said dear americans assuming all of canada has access to bagged milk but now that i know ontario does it mostly my love of ontario has DUPLIFIED that’s right i said duplified more like made it up anyway join in on the debate or don’t or at least get really annoyed by it there’s nothing more amazing than people arguing the same side of the fence.
fuck i am actually going to watch oprah today and it’s going to be a boring one, i rarely watch it but the days i decide ho hum the couch calls it’s always some washington guy who was secretly gay and cheating on his wife and he wrote a book about it or that nate guy decorating a house. if i wanted to learn about gay politicians i would READ A NEWSPAPER. was that joke funny? if i wanted to watch a show about renovations and decorating i would WATCH A SHOW ABOUT RENOVATIONS AND DECORATING. was that a funnier joke?
dear oprah,
you have bad breath.
love, raymi xx
i saw a pair of boots at da zone that are made of denim and i told fil i was going to get them and then go visit my dad and be like TOP THAT! cos my dad’s favorite weekend outfit is the canadian tuxedo (that is not a picture of my dad btw) i would basically spend $200 just to make my brother laugh for 20 seconds cos i am committed like that. seriously a whole jean outfit right down to your FEET it would be like camouflage denim if i went to a stingy poolhall you’d be like HEY WHERE DID SHE GO?! hahaha. seriously tho i rate those boots 10/10 for bugly. anyway my dad rules it’s his birthday next tuesday.
i met fil for lunch at shanghai cowgirl it was my first time there fil said i am such a bitch for thinking the waitress was phony cos i said man she is so phony like come on just BE YOURSELF not that she wasn’t nice or anything just like, fuck, nevermind. i wanted some of fil’s noodles and so i put some on my fork and as i was delicately bringing it across the table he flung them everywhere so neither of us could enjoy them GOOD GOING. then i bought no name cotton swabs and left them in fil’s car to bring me when he gets home and i said you can think of me and he winced and i said dude is thinking about your girlfriend now equally disgusting as making out in public with her?
tell me if i am no longer making any sense.
**EDIT fil thinks this post makes him look bad and i disagree he only pretend-winced in our inside joke kind of way and we always bicker over food and sharing it when the other one is crazy starving i think it is cute ok is that better fil?
ps ten bucks says one of you toronto dingalings will direct this waitress to my blog and i will never be able to eat at shanghai cowgirl again not cos i’m afraid of confrontation but cos she’ll hock a loogie in my food which i would totally do anyway thanks for spying on my blog and ratting me out in advance ya’ll!
