look how big my eyeball is you can put a campsite on it

i couldn’t sleep very well last nite so naturally i get to thinking about how amazing my blog is and how i should write a top ten reasons list why i am better than other blogs and how essentially unnecessary that would be cos like, come on, duh.

but fil‘s breathing was too loud for me to come up with anything other than i draw pictures of celebrities and make their faces busted-looking and i am very mean and funny and have long hair etc this is not new information, anyway, fil’s breathing was like A-BWAHAHAH A-BWAAAAAAH and then his lips would stick together and make a popping sound everytime he exhaled so i had to build a pillow-wall barrier to bounce his breathing over to the window and it sort of worked until i got to thinking (no lie) ABOUT THE BOOGIEMAN!!!

after 2 in the morning when you think about short leprechaun monsters with oily drippy faces you canNOT stop until you fall asleep so i had to take down my pillow wall and lean it against my back so the boogieman/men couldn’t get at me (stop laughing i hope this happens to you tonite ok no i don’t it’s very scary) but then there was still the predicament of fil’s LOUD BREATHING 2006 OLYMPICS to deal with so i took the pillow and put it between us and was careful not to have any part of my body hanging over ther bed, toes, ass and what-not cos the rule is that no boogieman or men are allowed to fuck with you if your entire person is on the bed and this rule came to pass one summer long ago in the 80s when it was too hot to hide under a blanket, or sheet, for that matter.

so a half hour goes by and i’m confident the boogieman has fucked off but THEN i noticed a light similar to a flashlight beam up in the vent in the hall that you can see a quarter of when lying on your back in bed and then the entire fucking plot of sliver played over and over in my head and i made a note to be afraid of this vent FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE THANK YOU WILLIAM BALDWIN i can’t wait for my next anxiety attack in-where the focal point will be this ceiling vent and all the terrorists living inside of it YES.

i am giving stink-eye in this picture cos my mom is just !BLAAAARRAGH! it took infinity times to get her to stand where she finally was when she took this picture of me, she was looking down at the lcd screen and i’m like MOVE OVER THERE MOVE OVER THERE MOOOOVE OVER THERE and all these yuppies are walking by seeing me yell at this lady thinking how mean i am but like YOU try and get your moms to take a simple photograph of you standing on a little girl’s bike in yorkville see how long until YOU fucking explode.

and if this doesn’t totally inflate her head then i don’t know what will and i do not even want to know.



i bet my dad is major stoked about sharing his birthday with my blog’s anniversary and tonite i am going to get them both wasted.

oh and who wait what, who is that up there in OXFORD, England on the last day of their JOURNALISM exchange program at the age of 17? that’s right, JOURNALISM. and yes, that amazing haircutted pile of laughs is indeed certainly me and NOT you.

eat it, suzanne.


best humour blog
best blog
best personal blog


the geniuses take a ride

watch city tv news at 6 my mom and i will be on it talking about pamela anderson and kid rock and tomkat and i make a scientology joke. they might repeat it again at eleven. feel free to tape it somehow for me and email it or youtube so i can see it i am going to eat my mom is exhausting me i have a very small shopping window and then i turn into a monster.

this is my mom at our condo for the first time. we haven’t strangled each other yet though she is pretty annoyed that i am not ready to go out shopping and have made no attempt whatsoever to even get ready i am drinking espresso and puttering around wasting time i better get moving before nag central 2006 begins.

haha i am doing little things to annoy her “oh let me just put some getting ready music on.” she hasn’t eaten yet (me either) so she is extra ON EDGE.



raymi: well would you rather me say BITCHY!?


if i win best blog i will auction off my mother ya’lls, promise!

my mom is on her way over and she has been calling to give me updates on all the streets she is passing to make sure she is walking in the right direction, i told her that wasn’t necessary but i guess maybe it is. i have not put on any make-up yet and i have not showered since saturday cos fil had to recaulk the tub, i was thinking how i could fill up our day today and was like oh i guess criticising how i look will take up at least 15 minutes. sweet.

i said COCK.

i figured out a birthday surprise for fil that will be hilarious if you can guess what it is you can come and watch.

and to quote diddy, “VOTE or DIE.”

Canadian Blog Awards

avril lavigne hooters girl

tim horton’s devil sandwiches

i rate them 1000 stars. i am in trouble if this becomes a regular item on the menu. i prefer the bacon to the sausage and while it appears to be similar to mcdonald’s barf mucmuffin it is not cos of the melt in your mouth tea biscuit.

my apologies for this i am so fucking fat post.

i am going to get this book for my dad’s birthday, mom don’t tell him please. though it is double the price at indigo, damnit.

my dad will only read books if they are about JFK, john lennon, WWII or cheech and/or chong.