the cat is no longer allowed to be a pickle. now he is a stupid fucking bastard because he sunk his teeth into my right foot and then tried to cuddle with me and get me to feed him.

fuck you.

starve.

i ask the cat if he is a pickle at least thirty times a day and he never tells me what the answer is.

i have hundreds of nicknames for him and fil hates them all especially the newest one which is : Bu-doos. and i say it in a retarded old lady voice.

it felt like my ovaries were exploding from the inside out for awhile there but after several advils and vodka perriers i feel right as rain writing and writing my little story about depression and alcoholism and neurosis. i made this expired pizza and it fell apart and the dough just wouldn’t cook and i wasted half a thing of goat cheese on it too.

we saw mr and mrs smith the other day and it is half terrible and i have never been so fucking annoyed before in a movie theatre and that’s saying a lot because i am always annoyed to all fuck in movie theatres. this time a couple of fat kids kept going for soda refills and throughout the entire film you could hear one asshole eating popcorn and crinkling his bag like dude you figure 30 minutes into the movie people are done eating BUT NO this fucker is crinkling and chewing as loud as he can the entire fucking time. i kept fantasizing about different bitchy things to yell at him. ok i was seriously annoyed by him and i was maybe 6 rows away, you’d think everyone surrounding him would say something or at least make “i am annoyed right now at you” groans or something. if i was sitting beside him i would have leaned over and been all psss psss dude CAN YOU SHUT THE MOTHER FUCKING EFF UP OR AT LEAST CHEW QUIETLY AND PUT A HANDFUL OF POPCORN IN YOUR HANDS SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO CRINKLE AND RUSTLE THE BAG EVERYTIME YOU GO FOR MORE LIKE HOLY SHIT DUDE YOU MAKE ME WANT TO PUT CHLORINE IN MY EYES AND RIP ALL MY HAIR OUT ONE STRAND AT A TIME AND THEN GET HIT BY THREE TRANSPORT TRUCKS AND THEN WALK THROUGH FIRE AND BROKEN GLASS NAKED IN FRONT OF MY ENTIRE FAMILY!!!

and so on.

why the hell do they offer the loudest snack food at movie theatres anyway? why don’t they give people bubble wrap while they’re at it and maybe some pop rocks and hand grenades.

everytime these fat kids got up to leave their chairs made that loud clank clank swinging motion noise.

one of these days i’m gonna go postal, i just know it.

i fucking know it.

this is quite funny.

ok i will tell you all a story about our weekend.

evidently, alcohol was consumed and a great deal of it and then we put on old lady costumes and were like RAAAAH let’s go knock on people’s doors!!!! but we didn’t, we just went down to the dock and took off all our costumes and went swimming and played the let’s drown each other game and the let’s get 5 people on the tiny floating raft game. fil injured himself and blamed it on me. pretty much anything bad that happened to fil i got in trouble for it cos fil had drank dronk himself a trillion shots of jager. he was wearing a placemat on his head with a rubber bat on it for awhile.

so then i go up to the cottage to make a couple bowls of kimchi because it was that part of the drunk where if you don’t eat something your head explodes and you start punching people and so i come bak down to three retards beating the ever loving shit out of each other with pool noodles so i am standing there with two steaming bowls of noodles and boiling water dripping all over my hands and i am trying to get their attention and finally they stop and eat a bit but fil takes off with one of the bowls to himself and hides beside the cottage in the bushes and i can’t find him so by now i am pissed off but he decides he is angry as well because i couldn’t find him and so he joins the rest of us still eating his soup and then he dumps all of it into the bushes by accident and goes away to sulk at the top of the driveway wearing nothing but his underwear.

ha.

and so of course somehow that was also my fault so i go over there and see him and am all like uhh why are you being weird in your underwear practically sitting in the road but lo and behold cousin sean comes up with a bucket stuck on his head and big stupid sunglasses with no shirt on just pants and no shoes either. so fil is quickly outdone in the weirdness department until he jumps on top of his car like spiderman and walks all over it with his dirty bare feet and sean is lumbering around like a monkey making fucked up noises still wearing a bucket.

but wait it gets better.

fil turns around and puts his arms in the air and says whip me so sean and i whip him at least ten times each as hard as we can with some twigs and while this is happening some kid walks by (it’s 4 in the morning btw) and is like uhh hey. can you imagine walking by someone’s driveway at 4 in the morning to see a 6’3 guy wearing underwear being whipped by a chick and a dude and the dude is wearing a bucket on his head and sunglasses and we’re all screaming?

anyway the kid leaves and we decide to follow him. the street is pitch black and then fil disappears off into the bushes at the side of the road intending to scare us anyway we’re making bird noises and monster growls to try and scare this kid and he keeps shining a flashlight back at us and then nothing then all of a sudden he is standing right beside us and shines the light in our faces and we all scream and jump back.

what a weirdo, i totally would have been one mile away if some asshole people were chasing me in the dark.

anyway he tells us a bunch of crap about going back to school or whatever and then we’re like see ya and eventually we all go to bed.

the end

sort of

oh and my new favorite thing is walking around saying Beep Beep Beep beep beep beep beep beep BeeP BEEP beep BeEp Beep bEEP beep beepbeepbeep over and over.

we saw red eye last nite. it was pretty shitty. the girl fucking drinks the water from the faucet in the airplane bathroom. uhhh?! there was a bunch of little kids in the theatre with their parents although it was a nine o’clock show and a thriller with blood and death and swear words. they kept chattering too. this is why i hate going to the theatre and would take the drive-in over it any day.

when i was at the mall i couldn’t be there for longer than an hour cos my nerves get all shot and my temper goes whacko and if a kid starts screaming i feel like i am going to have a nervous breakdown.

anyway, happy long weekend everybody.