ten ways to not to be afraid of your shadow, and how to rationalise all fears and how to successfully, justify paranoia, squash the crepe out of it, send it packing, so long, stop drinking, smoking weed, and snorting coke. by raymi

1. stop calling it paranoia. call it awareness. called it your period or your lunchbox, basically, give it a new term/title, altogether. when we use general terms to describe specific terms, or a feeling we have, it makes it way worse than it truely is because then shit gets way out of hand, way out of your head, and then you are sitting in your car and your heart is going too fast and you are chainsmoking and every person that walks by looks at you because they see you are freaking out and then you think they are looking at you because of whatever awareness you have going on and really, person looking at you is like, what the fuck, yo?

2. stop smoking weed. stop drinking. stop cocaine, fullfuckingstop cocaine. stop any and all drugs. just fucking stop. STOP. just do it, however, and whatever it takes to make you a saner person. do it today. quit TODAY. don’t say quitting tomorrow or i already had a drink today so i should quit tomorrow or next week. whatever. fine. finish drinking today then. you know in your heart that you’re gonna start drinking tomorrow and into next week. stay away from people who drink. stay away from people who do not have their shit together. period. don’t feel bad for them. don’t feel superior. don’t let them make YOU feel bad for cleaning up. say fuck you, get your shit together, be a fucking adult already, get a job, keep your job, whatever job. be happy in your job. make that job your drink and all the repetitive tasks, your drug. the people you work with and see everyday are your new thing. and if you work in a bar, be the good example for them and say no i do not want a shot or fake shoot it, whatever, don’t even pour yourself a drop. fuck that noise. drinking is a downer. you know how shitty you feel the next day, right, day after booze blues, that is such a terrible feeling. think about your liver. think about your children and your friends and your neice and your nephews and your parents. start thinking straight, then you start acting straight, then you start being straight and then your brains won’t be so scared all the time, you know. don’t be afraid of sobriety. ever. there are doctors and rehab facilities and so many wonderful things available to you in aiding in this cleaning the fuck up. when you see ads for booze, LAUGH AT THEM. go, HA HA, that is pretty effective, but not for me because that shit just wants to kill me and it will kill me and then it will kill my children because monkey see monkey do. ble ble.

and if yer a heavy potsmoker, hash toker, fucker, stop it. yeh yer sad and you are fixing your sadness with something that takes away your drive and your memory and your smarts, gives you the worst moodswings, anger rages ever, and does cause brain damage and cancer and it’s illegal. duh. and if you deal it, you’re a fucking loser idiot and you should be in jail because you are contributing to the demise of your custy’s lives, ruining families, people dying, illegitimate money-makings, fuck you, start anew. it makes people crazy. where does hashish come from, what do people in that place do when they’re sitting around plotting bad things, and why can my brain work exactly the same way as one and every duder like that and why and how could yours as well? think about it idiot. why do we all have the i am jesus complex? why not, right? just, not all of us were born into riches and had/have the means to start a holy war, you know. how can we be taught to respect a society that does not respect women? we can’t. but we can learn, if they learn and the other way around. how can they respect a society that is married to technology? they can’t, but they use the technology to get us out, right? right. anyway, yer shit is occupied, and so is mine, and they want us out, basically. be aware of that, it’s not a fucking secret and i am not the first one to say it, or think it, a smarter person tole me this.

and the first thing you shoulda done but it’s probably the last thing you start doing, is the white devil powder that plants this awareness in yer brain to begin with. do not do it, ever, fucking, again. and if you haven’t, good for you, don’t you ever let anyone ever give it to you, offer it to you, run the fucking other way. don’t let them talk you into it, call them a cokerage little dick and piss on their rug, damnit. when you associate with people who do drugs, first of all, the drugs are doing them, secondly, they may not be using anymore, but their brains are, be aware of that, be gentle with them and their souls, their spirits, everything. you have got to figure out for your person what addictions do to people. you have got to realise they started for a reason, and, that reason is, sadness. period. you have to be there for them a little bit but not a lot of bit, because, you now, are an adult, and adults have their shit together, so start fucking showing and knowing it. be patient with these people, be sensitive to them, love them, respect them, don’t say the cokerage thing and piss on their rug like i said up there, you know. say something better. say whatever it is you can to express your, i am gonna be here for you, but there is only so much i can do to help before my heart can’t take it anymore.

and if you can’t empathize because you have never done a line in your life, find someone who has, and ask them how to help your little friend that you love so much, because your little friend is worth it, and you love them, and you do not want them to hurt themselves anymore and you want them to go into work on monday and pay their rent and buy a house someday and raise a family, because family is the most important thing in the world and if you don’t have one, my family will be your family and my friends will be your family, i will be your family, you dig?

3. don’t let people call you spoiled when people say this, they are jealous because they were not fortunate to be born into a family with a good soul with monies or one that has a house or one that doesn’t rape you hit you fuck your little sister, etc. move away from that shit and don’t feel bad about it and be jealous of other people and their families and then call them spoiled. that’s ridiculous. no one asked to be born with a silver spoon shoved in their fucking mouth. babies born with silver spoons have parents with addictions that ignore them and yell and are in love with materials, so fuck you. you were born in another country altogether and you don’t have to worry about materials and technology but it comes over to you eventually, because you have a silver spoon all the way over there and then you hate us, fuck you again. you use to sell oil ten bucks a barrel and now it is fifty bucks. you don’t even have cars, ok fine, we get that we make a jillion of them to get us to our shit-end jobs where we make shit-money for our shitkids who hate us because we are not around so we buy them five-hundred bicycles and take them to movies about spykids who fight evil and then our shitkids are scurred to sleep because you rule with terror, you fucking cowards. you are not going to heaven because you are making earth, hell. one day there will be a eutopia but that won’t happen until the evil are dead. i have never killed a person in my life, let alone, a trillion kajillion therefore, i am going to heaven. i have never raped anyone and i will never rape someone. i i i me me me. bla bla. fuck you. don’t train kids to fight your war. your shit is between you and the other guy and that is why the UN exists, dickheads. no one is blameless. Hillary should be president because she is smart and stuck by that got a blowjob focker and let her ego be crushed, to further her career. a woman should be president because of the sixth sense. you have to learn to take orders from women because one graciously shot you out of her uterus and now little focker, wise up.

4. DO NOT show fear showing fear is a weakness. showing you are afraid makes them happy to see you afraid. who is them? everyone. show them you are pissed-off ‘cos they wronged you and do not ever let them forget that hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned, serious. oh yeh a dude too. but still, be mad, be very mad, but keep your senses and your smarts. don’t worry about making yourself a target all the time, fuck that. YOU’RE a fucking target, not me. kill me? i’ll kill you my fucking self if i have to. know where i live? i know where YOU live. know where i am from? i know where YOU are from. once you change your mentality to that of i am not afraid of spiders and mice and stupid everyday household potential disasters, whatever, get over it, get over fear. right now fear is not an option. just be nice and don’t make innocent people suffer because your loudmouthness. if it comes down to you having to go into the witness protective relocation program, fucking go there and you are never allowed to see your family again, if it comes down to that.

5. and that bleeds into number five. if you know too much about certain illegitimate doings, say fuck you, i’ll answer once i talk with my lawyer first and if they say we are placing you under arrest so speak brotha’ say, i have the right to remain silent, sucka. don’t have one? fucking get one, use the cheapo lawyer they offer you. go get a pro-boner one like michelle pfeiffer in i am sam, especially if your case is ethical in-nature or something. don’t let the policia threaten and scare you. know your fucking rights. KNOW THEM. and use them. say, look focker, i am not the only one who knows too much, i was just around at stupid dumb times, you cannot break me or my family, we are not dumb. we want nothing to do with this, fuck off. but be nice when you say fuck off. let the bad guys and the good guys know that yeh bla bla bla but also duh duh duh and then say it is out of my hands, go scare somebody else because i have a family like how you have a family and they have a family, and i just want to get on with my life, so catch the bad guys all by your shitty little selves and the bad guys, well, do whatever, but i don’t want to hear about it, i don’t want to see about it. and also, don’t let the po-po trick you and/or assume you know certain things when you don’t. tell them yo, i am afraid for my life and the well-being of everything, so knock on someone else’s door and no i do not know where that door is. maybe if things like crime and money and status and power and middleclass and crooked cops and robbers and gi joe didn’t exist, things would be better. do your job and leave me alone. basically.

6. don’t lie never lie. don’t dance around the truth. don’t mislead and shit. don’t spread rumors and half-truths. don’t say i got lots of money when you don’t. don’t cover-up for other people ‘cos then it’s your stupid silly ass. don’t lie because they can get yer fingerprints and go yeh idiot you were here stupid and we know you were and you touched this, retard. they ask what you were doing there, say i was listening to music, which you fucking were and if shit was happening, you didn’t see it, which you didn’t, and nothing was happening in the first place. seriously. i saw nothing, so why would i say i saw something? like get a clue. i have bad hearing right now because of my bipolar crap, you know. so i can’t hear things an then i say what whaat what kuz i think i have to know everything and then people are like what? and then just be all, ok fine.

7. don’t assume don’t assume what you didn’t hear and what you didn’t see was something bad or illegal. neeeeaht.

8. fuck, this is starting to get boring.

9. don’t be afraid of doctors but don’t let them mindfuck and control your thoughts and give you a lobotomy or send you away. fuck that. use the rational side of your head to dissuade that noise. don’t go crazy and run into the street, onto a bus, with your pajama pants on and no socks and then get sent to the crazy hospital and be formed by the one doctor that all the cunt nurses look up to and then he tells you yeh those crazy girls in the looner bin with you were fucking with your head because you were too cocky, meanwhile nancy is a schizo and barked that herfather fucked her and shit and one day you were so pissed by her you fucking pulled out her hair and stuff and she was smiling the whole time. in fact, i should sue the whole fucking horsepital.

10. don’t join a cult or anything cultish in nature and don’t be a follower, be a leader. the end and good luck.

My eyebrows look like caterpillars.

can you please help me clean up, I am trying to get ready, and this place is trashed. It makes me so depressed.

dear raymi

great. i get to keep one person going through a dead account.

healthy thing: i dunno. it was like a year ago what i was commenting on.

forget about it. im sure i wasn’t knowing fully what i was talking about at the time.

boy. i’ve got nothin to say.

i’ll just vomit onto the page and see what happens. here goes:

i called it a page. it’s a keyboard. im that far gone into this bizarro world

i like the backwards language people use. suggest things without saying.

this bizarro blog world is ruining everyone and their lives and their mental health and i am really starting to not like it but it’s like crack, you know? can’t stop ’til you get enough. i think that when i take down my comments things get worse kuz then people assume more that is going on, they think we are on that side and you are on her side and i am on thee side, when really i have no idea what is really going on ‘cos i am so far out of the loop and i play my own victim and now i know i am the poison in the pool, and that my friend, be no longer cool.

“a girl goes into a resturant. when asked to sit, she declines the booth and opts for a table with chair. she then looks around at what everyone else is eating and then sighfully begins to ponder over her fashion magazines”

i may be a shitty writer, but the idea in there is what I’m talking about.

whats the smog like there?

what’s the smog like where you are?

i wish i worked in mechanics shop.

i want to learn about internal combustion and carbuerators.

know anyone that will hire a motor rookie and will enjoy teaching?

of course i do and if i don’t they will email me and go i want to hire the guy that wants to learn about internal combustion

i’ll move in a second.

i like the idea that im not tied down.

its a sense of freedom. but the cost of living is everywhere.

i like sleeping with cold pillows.

whiskey and ice, is nice.

sunglasses look good on me.

cold pillows are important. i havent had booze in three days. i have a lot of sunglasses but right now i don’t know where they are and/or i have stepped on them, sat on them, or tore ‘em apart by raymiaccident or i give them away or lend them out and they just get lost.

sometimes, i stare.

probably too much. ah well.

me too but i am neurotic a lot so then i go is that girl talking shit about me, what, she is? and then i smile at her and she is blown away kuz i mean it when i smile.

i watched the nascar imax 3D while in virginia. very cool.

never seen imax before. nor 3D stuff.

technology is an amazing thing but it is also a very dangerous thing.

i looked in chapters for your fugue mag. when I tried to spell it out to them cause they didnt know what i was talking about, they misunderstood and told me to pick up a free paper called F.A.G. from some gay bar in Ottawa. I laughed, and said thanks.

ahem, and i quote me on this, “AHJHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHhaHA.” it’s not my mag. go to fuguemagazine.com

i was at a party this week and they had free beer.

i was the one to get the last drink from the keg before it went all foam.

that deserved a beer.

don’t you hate when you get a beer from a pub or something and the foam is all scummy like how it is in hot tubs?

raymi. is that a birth given name?

no. go to raymi.com i have nothing to do with what raymi is but i respect the shit out of that thing. it’s a celebration on may 24, native indians and stuffs. i dig those people man.

who is the most famous person you know or have met?

fame is overrated. and i don’t like to say this person is most famous. there are famous people i know in specific worlds, radio, print, politics, musicians, models, celebs, list goes on. i think the most famous people i know are my parents and my brother and then my neice. and some teachers i had in school and my grandparents, and my friends’ parents and the guy who sells hot dogs on the corner and then aimee at the bar and my old boss at the hardware store and, you know what i mean.

i like playing who do you know. alot.

makes me feel special when I make a connection with someone I’ve never met before.

that, and it gives something to talk about.

yeh but then it blows yer mind away kuz yer like wow, YOU know SAMANTHA?! and then we are forced to be friends whether we like it or not and then we are like, i hate you, go back to baltimore, whatever.

im a chronic mastubator.

maybe its my age. 23.

eeeep.

the way i see it, my parents already had kids by my age and were married. maybe it biological, and i should be out spreading seed. evolutionary, or something. being prime.

yes i agree, my parents were young too when they had me and my bro.

i watch the day after tommorow the other day in a motel room for $10.99 US as they were calling for potential tornados. that was fun. I was going to be pissed if the power went out as I was watching it.

and, when the movie was over, I watched a program called STORMY WEATHER on the WEATHER CHANNEL. and while they were showing crazy footage of the dangers of a flood, up came a real warning for a flash flood in a some part of the united states.

coincedence is great.

makes me aware of surroundings.

smile.

siblings?

inny / outty?

pepsi / coke?

grumpy? eat celery with whiz cheese. you’ll feel better.

if not, fuck you.

well. I’m lame.

bye, ray-is-not-me.

charles.

so long for now, ps i havent had booze in three days now. xo raylau

rock and roll hair is so in right now.

Maury is really digging deep for ideas.

TV is so hot right now.

“trust me I wont miss-quote you”

Take advantage of our 3 day a week class schedule.

-specializing in bankruptcies

she cut her hair to make devil horns and then her mums had to do the bangs thing and now she is like me-incarnate and we played all over the lawn with the magic wand and turned each other into refriderators and faeries and into lions and kitty cats and we painted together and toasted marshmallows and i built the craziest fire, on the hippie commune.

you fuck with raymi, you fuck with rocky. heh.

-crazedtheminx

oh and ps we hocked the ring and i bought a tigerligre rug with it and a little wooden man.

I could watch that video of you all day. I can’t put my finger on it, but somehow you come across as a much more mature woman than early twenties, then you do the “head lice” joke and shake your hair and you could be sixteen. It’s so intriguing. You have a fascinating demeanor. Have you looked into acting? I don’t know whether or not you can act, but you have a “look,” that’s for sure. And no, while you are undeniably hot, I am not doing anything weird while I watch it. It’s just…interesting. Sorry people have been dickheads to you. Make more video when you can — it really works for you.