The year is 20032 you are 19 years old and a famous Toronto blogger. There is no social media. No tablets, no TikTok, no smart phones, no Facebook, no Instagram, no Reddit. No one’s doing what you’re doing yet, sorry, but they’re just not. They will be though. I’m not gonna argue metrics on who did what first but if you really wanna talk about it the year is 2000 and you are a famous blogger but this picture above is 2003 and a more interesting time period so we’ll touch here. I still get emails from ogs tho like amazing people famous talented wealthy wise creative etc who say hey raymi I loved and was reading and looking at you back in 2000 then reference proofs to verify it and that shit floors me so u mfers feel free to defend me in the comments in case a flamewar breaks out, I am counting on it (both).
Merkley and I un-friended like not even a month ago because I said dude you’ve changed you are like evil now. that did not go over well. he made a podcast video flaming me then ends up talking about himself my mom said dont engage he has lots of those people following him now. Mom is always right I am lucky she is always here watching everybody lol look out u got the neighbourhood MOM WATCH FAM.
In 2003 I was a rocket of absolute madness, shameless and intentional BUT was I in control of any of that? Was Lauren White masterminding a caricature of herself like a split personality entity to funnel her crazy energies into? I guess so.
Because it happened and it worked but to what extent one would think the whole thing would have been monetized more effectively, wrapped up and packaged with a nice little bow that didn’t happen but different and various levels of success occurred instead.
I have gotten to do everything in my life that I have wanted to do yeah I could do and be more but I have had a privileged time I think we all can agree. I do regret not having an agent back then to help me with the hustle, a manager, someone to better nurture this lightning in a bottle but oh well now we have the sexy perimenopausal era and guess what yall fuckin old now too so suck my dick haha jkjk.
The comeback is always greater than the setback!
Not to mean there wasn’t periods of down times and shit times the universe makes sure we all experienced some suffering so that the sweet is sweeter.
Anyway this post is just a look-back at this time period and I will go as reveal as I feel because there is a lot of um, cringe. People thought this was trainwreckery at its finest. Okay sure homie I see you over there lol I know your skeletons bud you ain’t no sunshine patty cakes apple pie either.
My mentors were VICE Magazine, Jackass, the Toronto Mod scene, partying, booze, cocaine, weed, sex, attention, hangers-oners, people using me (oh yes I knew fuck-all about boundaries back then ugh) abusing me whatever I didn’t fuckin give a shit I blogged to atone for the sins. I exploited and I worked for it I flexed my writing talent and fearlessness just for you!
This entire operation was funded by my being a secret webcam girl at the time and I am so lucky my images weren’t jacked and put on blast (that is illegal fyi) in a pre-OF world. If onlyfans existed back then hell yes 100% I would be on it and it’s never too late either I am not letting fear hold me back anymore if my family disowns me maybe this million dollars will make up for it LOL. I never blogged what I did for a living because I was always afraid it would get back to my family there was no way I could hide it my mom was parked on my blog everyone was.
The day we installed a tracker on my blog my roommate looked at me and said WHO ARE YOU??? He (since transitioned to a she) was a hacker computer genius. My hits were pinging in at high volume we were floored standing there in the dank basement laundry room hunched over his server used for work my blog was hosted on it too even though it was also housed on blogger.com someone can explain this to me if they want. I believe the server was necessary to track people because you couldn’t easily source free tracker websites back then they didn’t really exist yet?
I wasn’t an at home webcam girl I rode my bike to work in a building on Camden from my place in Little Italy on the top floor, below us was a record label (recording studio-hybrid) I forget what they were called but would see crazy famous ppl in the elevators all the time. I rode there as a hipster girl and transformed into Nikola then my blog transformed into more sexually-explicit stuff because my self esteem skyrocketed about exposing myself and nudity in general thanks to my job.
When you finally take charge of your own life and things you want to do and you say no more to shit you don’t want to do the vibe feeling is like that Nicolas Cage meme where he’s free and wind is blowing on his blissed out face okay I’ll just find it now hang on nevermind it won’t allow me to upload it it’s the Con Air meme, hilarious movie.
Blogging this shit gives me wicked anxiety it’s really good for the metabolism that blogging is, you evacuate before you blogerate. Blogging feels like obliterating yourself mentally and therapeutically dumping every fear thought and feeling it’s a very vulnerable state to be in that’s why it makes me so anxious. Like is the Boogeyman going to read this calm the fuck down Lauren relax! I am really REALLY bad at relaxing like really trust me I wish I could.
I think it’s most definitely because I am feeling things I have long since buried and I am not that person anymore shit that was scary insane also I am lazy now I don’t do so much back then doing way too much.
Anyway I am 118 days sober today and have lived a short lifetime since then it’s 23 years later depending how you look at it I will be 43 at the end of this month and yes I accept gifts thank you in advance even homemade ones literally anything I treasure all of it receiving is part of my love language probably bc my tank is always on empty nothing is ever enough for me I was once told but then I can go polar opposite no possessions needed man lol hop on the Bipolar express CHOO CHOO!
Thanks for your time I hope you enjoy your weekends, your health is good and you have something to do. I am wrapping this up because I must marinate in the bawth.
TTYL RAYMIIII <3 xoxo
