A – Archives dude, check ‘em. i’m a goddamn pioneer and i bet if i was a yank i’d have a career somewhat as fabulous as kathy griffin’s by now. moreover, i haven’t given up on you yet.
B – BLOG. i let you in, guys. do i have to? no. should i? perhaps. a friend recently commented that the blog is dead and i instantly reacted a little defensively but then we talked it over for a few and i guess i see her point. the blog for YOU is dead, for me, isn’t. get it? thanks to me (and sorry for that) tons of little slags are out there sayin’ it like it is cos they think raymi did/does it they can/should too…was basically the gist of our booze-fueled chat.
C – Concise. i keeps it clean yo, no verbal diarrhea here. except for when there is a 78 word run-on sentence. point being, i know when/how to dumb it down.
D – dick jokes? i like that i say all i ever blog about are dick jokes and pictures of my stupid outfits yet where are these dick jokes? i use dick jokes as a description of my blog to strangers, it’s supposed to stand for more than what it is. alas, being more professional is one of my ’09 resolutions so i’ll have to come up with something new.
E – existential as in, there will be absolutely NONE of that here so piss off.
F – FUCK. most frequently used, favourite and most loathed word and reason why this guy is nsfw likely aside from the alleged pornography your mawfuckn’ IT dept. sums this shit up as and blocks.
G – goal setting. none of that here either to your benefit.
H – Hats. i like them and wear them (not far-reaching at all now).
I – Ignore – if you are a crazy fuck i will ignore you so give up.
J – Jew jokes – got any good ones? kidding. J is actually simply for ‘jokes’ cos a sense of humour is the only way i can protect myself from the crushing weight of the sadness of the world. seriously now, depression = comedian. if i had the nards i’d do stand-up.
K – Ketamine. one time after a nite of drinking in england i snorted some then when i got out of bed my legs were paralyzed for 3 minutes, i fell to the floor and rug-burned my knees. oh wait i meant to say i have a painting of kites available for sale that i will probably paint over.
L – lauren. that’s my real name, but my parents decided to pronounce it all funny on me without changing the spelling so my entire life i have been irritated by my own fucking name, grand. it was super popular in the 80s though i didn’t know one lauren in school. then when i spent a stretch in oakvegas i met tons of laurens, all blonds too, retarded.
M – moronic. sometimes i can be this way and not give a giant fuck, also a defense mechanism in the self-loathing department. you should try it sometime, rest those nerves of yours. honestly, no one cares what you think or what i think or what any of this means in the grand scheme of things, which is why you should just blog and get over yourself.
N – nose. i got a big one and have been teased for it for forever and i’m over it, only on the internet do people really go to town about it, in real life no one even notices or cares. i guess when you run out of real things to rip someone apart on you attack their looks. i know i have a nice unique face, interesting beauty. so basically, shut the fuck up you scallywag, let’s have a go at your appearance? in school i was called big nose all the time, oh man all the time and you know who called me big nose? the dumb kids, the simpletons, the ones who have amounted to shit all, the equivalent to online trolls. empty vessels make the most noise, true and true and true.
O – Oprah. i have made a point to not watch oprah, i’m at home “telecommuting” (really i am) and i feel extremely depressed for myself if i turn any of that daytime tv crap on, especially oprah. sidenote: oprah is only allowed if someone is over watching it with you. i told myself that at 4 o’clock i have to be doing something, anything, other than watching oprah. sometimes you think oh i feel blue today i’ll console myself with oprah. more like NOprah don’t do it! you will guaranteed feel 60% more depressed for watching it.
P – phil. i love phil and you have gotten a gander at his life on top of mine thanks to this glob. here’s a thing though, we’re not a two-fer, stop thinking you know us more than you do, nah’mean, cos you don’t and just cos you got the one guy (me) doesn’t necessarily mean you get the other. it isn’t a rule that you have to add him to your facebook, it’s annoying in fact. fuck off my boyfriend you know? just because someone is accessible online doesn’t mean you should scramble on after them. that being said, phil is also the breast.
Q – Queefs. i wrote this when i was 17 and i still get funny emails about it the best one ever though was a mom searching online for trumpet sheet music and she told me off thanking god her son hadn’t found it. i was like, do you email every single porn site you accidentally stumble upon?
R – raymi. this word came to me when i was 14 and decided i was going to write a story entitled THE LAST MINX and it was very similar to girl interrupted (before that movie came out or i ever knew of its existence)(which then for me of course became a self-fulfilling prophecy anyway) and i needed an interesting name for the girl and out of nowhere raymi was it after listing a bunch of stupid emo names like lark or sage or something, i had no idea raymi was also some festival of the sun thing (those guys must be lovin’ me on the internet eh takin’ all their traffic away). the first time i put it all together was when i wrote to vice a letter (additional bj tips and they printed it) it blew me away to see Raymi The Minx, Toronto – so off i went to town in their forums and the rest is history.
ok i need to take a break here now, i’ll leave the rest up to you. have fun.
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