than asked me what i did and i said that i self-destruct and that i live to insult and basically i consult people on what is cool these days and what is not and i say that i can predict the future of cool and he is like how high is your iq and i said i dunno i took that test and they were like skip her a grade or send her to french immersion and i said no because i was fanatic i suppose about staying where i was and he was like mine is 150 and i said i didn’t doubt that and then he was like the band and i was like marketing and he was all you belong in new york and i said yeah but i am all canadian and shit right now and i will not ever try and set up shop as a second class citizen unless i know for sure i’ll be able to eat and he is like kerouac woah and i was like wall street, fantastic.
and then i told other guy that the title of his book was “amazing” and there was a period at the end of it and the cover was black and the letters were white and they were embossed and the text was all grey, i was trying to be weird and profound and i felt pleased that it came off as bizarre and amusing only to myself and they were probably like whatever you self-obsessaphobe.
and i said dude i am the ambassador of toronto let’s go take a tour and so we drove him around and i was like that is where prostitutes are that is a fire hydrant this is tourist town and fil explained everything i said in english to than and than was like this is the best tour ever and we were like a go-kart and i remember i had said earlier i aspired to being intoxicated. nice.
and so we are at the bovine and i am wearing pearls and unfortunately not wearing a sweatband on my head and this girl is like i OWN this bar and i think she meant it literally she got me a jager and i was like no malibu and she said YOU ARE IN MY BAR SO YOU DRINK WHAT I SAY and then i was fine with that.
and her “homegirl” asked if i had hpv when i asked to chase that vomitshot with her beer after they ransacked our fucking smokes and i am like hpv? how about assume i am cleaner than you are and she is like NO there is this thing going around here and i said I DO NOT EVEN LIVE HERE ANYMORE!
Bovine may as well change its name to NYC.
yeah so i, definitely today, have the day-after-booze-blues and i am trying to decide what to do about it other than write and think and obsess about it.
now that i am drinking a beer i have to smoke a cigarette thom is playing duckhunt and is all perfectionist about it and mark is drawing at the table and we are not eating the kiwi and i am ok with that because it will be eaten eventually
we played cards and watched reefer madness til 330 drank made steak and fancy spaghetti there is junk all over the yard of the apartment building from the workers and their fuck it ’til mananas attitude which we admire but i am irritated by for i have to walk around cement chunks and metal parts and chemical bins when i am standing there smoking and looking up at the scaffolding and imagining things falling off it at my head
dark side of the moon is on i have not smoked weed for about 3 months now.
ok so i had a ct scan today and it was fun and yes i did cry when the needle was put in my vein and i wasn’t anxious at all ‘cos when you are walking into a hospital and you see death and dying all around you, you are like fuck MY pain and hypochondriatic synergy – look at THAT holy SHIT! and the nurse goes are you ok? to me and i said yes i’m just sensitive maybe too sensitive for this world but it doesn’t mean i want to leave it and the fact i am here means that i DO want to be in it and i laughed when this old coot was like JUST DO IT when the nurse was explaining radioactive goo and high blood pressure and being cautious…
i wanted to keep the robe
and i was all yeh my blood might be thin i had some alcoholic beverages last nite and she said whatever and i had stamps and an x on my hand from the killers show w/ ambulance and some other band-thing as well…
so yeh, i think i am going to have a lot of money one day so my dad can quit his job and play music and then everyone can have their own house and i can float to them and away from them.
yeh i get the same feeling, well sort of, just that this place is a ghosttown today
it’s cold and empty and nothing is open
like come on it’s a capitalist society, no one should be on holiday, today is about making money, idiotsville merchants. i am just mad ‘cos i think every store should be a greasy spoon diner, today at least, and everything should cost 4 cents and i should be allowed to walk in and say weird things and then play with someone’s dog all day long and give it back when i feel like it.
this is the jake-man and there was a time in raymi’s life wherein she never left the house and didn’t really talk to people much and this wasn’t so long ago this was when she started taking lithium and before zoloft and she sat around watching television with the cat and the jake-man was pretty much the only dude she would see at his place of work and she’d go in there to get beers with/for her dad/brother but she wouldn’t be drinking them ‘cos of the lith…
anyway, raymi had this many friends -> 0.
felt like it anyhow.
the internet was not where raymi was and even if it had been, all raymi could/would say was boy i can’t wait for survivor to be on oh i watched this show…
anyhoo raymi wanted a friend and she wanted the jake-man to be her friend and when she’d go to the beer store she was too shy and dumb to say hey do you want to be my friend, like please, i don’t know anyone in this town and i use to kinda be pretty and i actually am kind of funny and smart and no that guy is not my boyfriend he’s my dad so how about it dude?
nothing other than hi yah hehheh smalltalk ok bye
jake-man was the only nice person not related to raymi sort of close to her age in the same area code and so on and for months and months and months they were not friends, they were beer store guy and beer store purchasing girl.
and so finally raymi started getting happy, zoloft started happening, money from ontario started happening and raymi was like YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH money! now i can buy clothes because all the clothes i use to have i gave away tore apart etc etc so she bought clothes and felt better, she dyed her hair black and turned back into herself, courageous sort of loudmouth i feel prettier today person.
and what happened to the jake-man?
well finally they both tick-talked summore and over the summer, yes this past one they hung and raymi told him that she thought about him being her friend a lot and jake-man was like, wow.
i’m tired of smoking cigarettes though i don’t smoke that much these days and being hunched over a laptop all of the time and i am tired of haveing bipolar mood disorder and i am tired of talking a lot because i am not hunched over a laptop and i am tired of the good weather being out there not hunched over a laptop inside with me and i am tired of being poor and creative and not being headhunted yet and i am tired of the fone ringing with it being a private number the very second after having published this and i answer the fone and the line is silent, i am tired of being paranoid and wanting to save the world and i am tired of the world not saving it’s fucking self and i am tired of the word headhunted ‘cos then it makes me think headhunted like my head being hunted with a gun.
i am tired of a lot of things but mostly i am just tired because i am not sleeping properly at nite because i can’t stop my mind and i have anxiety attacks a lot of the time and i am sexually frustrated and i am tired of worrying about my internal organs and the cyst on my left kidney and finally yes i am having an mri catscan thing and i am still waiting on bloodwork results ‘cos the doctors were all we didn’t know you wanted an aids test wtf!? idiot that’s why i went in the first place. though i am happy to report that i have no stds. that is all for now. and oh yeh the ecg i demanded for my heart said that my heart is fine.
regardless it hurt my feelings you would say barf to someone who was
being niceto me, it was the first thing i had put up in awhile and was
actually looking forward to comments and i read a nice one and then
one that says barf afterward and then i have to go all mean in my
response to that girl. if you have praise/criticism, make it your own,
dont comment on other people’s comments, that’s annoying and partially
a reason why i took down my comments kuz they get out of hand and some
really mean people get in there who attack me and start rumors that
aren’t true and really, it isn’t worth it, right now at least.
ok now we can be friends
Ok, I understand. Sorry.
Keep writing please. That post you wrote a few weeks ago (the one I wrote to you about directly) about drinking and drugs really struck home. I had been thinking about it for awhile, but it was the way you put it that gave me an extra push to finally act. I finally stopped drinking during the week and have way toned it down on the weekend.
So thanks. And thanks for taking the time to write me and chastise me and tell me how you feel. I appreciate it and you won’t regret it.
