over the summer i walked around naked a lot [sketchy bikini] kuz i was all tanned well soon to be anyway and i was skinnier kuz i knew i was not going to be happy unless i made it so i was skinnier so i had lots of caffeine and depression pills and booze and close to zero sleep and fights with the entire universe and did any and everything to keep myself busy, as long as it was self-destructive and recriminating and stressed me out and made it so i talked like courtney love all over again and made me scarey because when i talked i sounded like i believed in myself so much and that everything i said was true and right and i just came off as arrogant and fucking irritating and then being “pretty” and “skinny” and “caucasian” and “female” and “tall” and “hyper” and “younger” made everything ten times better.
i hope your sarcasm meter is turned on.
so then i am known more as crazzy the minx, or crazy the minx, “affectionately coined” in toronto by the higher ups of coolness or something and i am like that is so funny and chuckled but then i felt really bad about myself.
when i come off as arrogant like i truely believe in myself i am doing it to make you believe in me, in my being, my spirit, it’s like i have to convince you that i am “a-ok” “howdy-pardner” “stranger” and so on and then i want you to take me seriously and then i want you to help me be organized and then that doesn’t happen and i start ignoring you because you just want to hang out with me because i am so frigging entertaining because, i am crazzy the minx.
aimee said “FUCK YOUR BLOG! People who know you should not be reading it.”
Real life people she meant and i thought about it and i agreed, just a little bit.
but still, having a blog is like existing. when you dont have one, you don’t exist, and if people don’t notice and read you or contact you and praise you over it you go, WHAT in the FUCK is WRONG with ME and WHY arent people PAYING to read me and sponsor all the clothes i am wearing because i know you are all reading and we could all be getting along and i could be advertising for you and making indie films for you of you and pushing you until you were the next coca cola or something.
but then, raymi would be selling out, no, raymi would be selling in, and raymi this raymi that, who fucking cares.
raymi is just a name i made up for a girl in this psyche ward and it was called the last minx and sort of becamse a self-fulfilling prophecy and it was a fluke that raymi was actually the name of this native indian cultural thing….
what is the point of all this?
there isn’t one, i go in circles, that is what you are accustom to and apparently i am ok with it. pfft.
i need anger management in the worst way i need to learn how to cope and i need to learn how to ask for help without having to ask for it because i have too much pride and then when it gets to talking money i either cry or scream in your fucking face because you just don’t understand permanent poverty mentality because you have never experienced it and yeh you probably have but still you don’t know it how i know it or how this other person i know knows it and maybe i don’t have the capacity to be a drug dealer or a scam artist everyday in a big city because i wasn’t born into a situation like that and i didn’t have false idols who were criminals and so i wanted to be the good guy in the movie but still i could always play the bad guy part, ten times better.
ungh.
when i start thinking about someone who has hurt me or my family or friend my brain starts pulsating and my fists clench and my whole body turns into the incredible hulk ‘cos i am fantasizing about telling off that person and then i stay up all nite in my bed until the fantasy tell-off is over and it is 4am and i have to wake up early for the job i slack off at.
this guy is awesome. obviously. his name is dick shagwell and i assume he is a penis that has a website and he has arms and legs and he fucks good. or he is a fucking DICK asshole meanASS mothafucking prick pussytease and he is in pornography because he was born with a porno name and his parents said oh look, we gave birth to a porno star? and then dick shagwell said, puhlease mama, shut yo’ trap and slapped her in the face and and then he jumped out of the doctor’s arms and karate-chopped off his umbilical cord and was all, PAYCE! and then snoop dogg passed him a joint and he flew away on a magic carpet and had all this money and bitches all over him a lot of the time and got all annoying so he was like, i am going to lay all of you because you are dumb needy bitches and they were like PLEEEEEEEASE!
anyway i am sure he is a nice penis with arms and legs who says funny stuff to hisself and then lets us read it and he did a washrooms piece which made me all reminiscent of my piece when i was 4 years old and typed in raymibonics, sinful!
and ps gavin at rocketpack.org what’s with the fucking google ads, don’t make me take my farticles down.
my friend ward is awesome. one time he stuck a circuit tester i got from the hardware store into the cigarette lighter of his car because he is ADD and i was ignoring him by using his cellfone running up his fone bill and so he got a fantastic idea and it was to touch every area of the interior of the car that was metal to see if there was a current running through it and so once he got to the cigarette lighter it went NREEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOWW and all these sparks flew out at us and the radio and the whole fucking car shut down ‘cos ward blew a trillion fuses but it was ok because we were going to the hardware store anyway ‘cos i had to work so ward hung around the parking lot taking apart his car and once he figured out which fuses to get he went in and my boss and i were laughing at him the entire time because of course i had prepared my boss for ward’s purchasing requirements and why they were required.
i wanted to be a vj and i was younger and less secure with myself and i wasn’t marketable at the time of my audition, read on for the robot email they sent me two years ago.
>
>Thanks for coming to the audition, submitting your
>demo tape and considering MuchMusic as a place you
>would want to work. We had a look at your application,
>audition and tape, and while we appreciate your work,
>it’s not in the Much style we are looking for at the
>moment. If you wish to send in a new tape in a couple
>of months please feel free to do so. We wish you the
>best of luck in your future ventures.
they forgot to say ps. george strombooolupagus wants to eat me out. oh well.
You’re Geek Chic. Offbeat and with a thumbful of calluses, you spend most of your time catching Simpsons reruns and sucking down raspberry Jell-O. However, you’re still a hipster, you’ve still got your own style, and you probably dig the Velvet Underground’s “Who Loves the Sun?”
-girl in pic with raymi is not the author of the following letter.
To LW aka raymitheminx
Dear. abused Friend
I am truly sorry you were a sweatheart and still miss you, but it is much easier to be alone. I wouldn’t like anything more than to be able to wright you every once in a while. I was being “selfish” I know but I’m natural any asshole to those I care about.
On a lighter note I hope that you have started to relax and not worry so much, it’ll be the death of you and show on your face.
lauren I would still love to be your friend because true blue buddies are hard to come by. There is just something about you I love.\ Sorry I just wrote that not even thinking, but there is definently something I really like about. I definently will understand if my being so crass on the phone will lead you to spit in my face, or if you tell me to fuck off, or have someone beat me up, but I must say this.
I have done a lot of thinking and a lot of things since I last saw you. I worked I few nights down in the T.O. got a new job changed houses twice, and went up north with my older friends and they helped me find a balance to it all. It’s been a personal growing peirod that made me see that it is not healthy to sacrifice things that make me happy for my futurie and visa versa.
(Back)->
all I know is I hadto write this to you because I felt like shit but all in all I am just glad I knew all the face’s of lauren.
PS. I would love to see you for a coffe or even talk to you on the phone to see how you are.
If you want to leave me a message you can at *** *** **** but please don’t leave a shity measage with my grandma
