so last nite i demanded ward’s company and he drove all the way from the hampton’s to eat pizza with me and talk about the time he meant to pull just one hair out of my head when i was on the computer but he ripped out 6 hairs instead.
ward told me he has ADD with a sprinkle of dyslexia, so now i get it.
ward said i am allowed to write absolutely anything about him here so i intend to do that because ward is amazing and does not care about what anyone thinks of him and when we hang around his best material comes out because i am sitting at the bar and he is drinking pop after pop and if i don’t react to one of his dumb stories then he tells it again and he just goes on to another one in the middle of telling something else and i am already thinking about my own ADD and looking at my scarf and ward starts putting my mittens on his ears.
he said he had to write mass-email responses out to the customers of the computer place he works for and then there were reply-alls making fun of how he wrote his responses because he puts periods in the middle of words and starts writing a new sentence in the middle of the first one and everyone was all, what in the hell is this guy trying to say? he is like attempting to explain the most simple of concepts but it comes out like this:
t.he format by interface refers to the product and how the format, diversifies the to, ip sanctioned.
basically.
and then we were driving and i say to ward ok here you turn left, this is my left hand and so that is where left is and he says my left or your left? and then started laughing like a donkey and said i am so wicked funny.
when he ran out of things to think about that were funny to say to me i said tell me something else and he said well i ran over a squirrel and i said did you mean to run over that squirrel and he said, yes, but it was already dead.
the bartender gave ward free pop which was very nice but ward had told me he had had 4 cups of coffee already and i said shouldn’t you not be having caffeine, don’t you start thinking about really strange things with all that fastness in your brain from the caffeine and your ADD?
and he said something in response to that but i forgot what it is, something along the lines of yes i do, i stay up and think about my ADD and watch star trek and look at my three computers. i’m a nerd, a mega-fucking nerd. and i said no you are not you are ward and you are awesome and he said yes i am, but i am also a nerd.
and i said ok fine i guess you are but nerds are cool nowadays, you get to be arrogant and make people feel of lesser-intelligence because everyone picked on you when you were young.
ward then told me of the time he chugged a whole carton of orange juice in grade ten and he was sitting beside the hottest girl in class and then he started farting like crazy and everyone was polite about it but the whole class smelled terribly and it was the same class, math class, that he always fell asleep in because it was right after lunch and he would buy onion rings and hamburgers and all that stuff that makes you want to sleep so he’d totally pass out drooling all over himself and then he’d wake up and make a really strange noise and the whole class would laugh and then he would start laughing too because everyone loved him and everything he did was funny and then he started laughing louder than everyone else because he doesn’t laugh normally and then the class would be in hysterics until the teacher told them to shut up.
my friend the jesus is awesome, he got punched in the face by a bunch of ginos and had to call the cops on his own house party and he was all bleeding by the time this girl showed up to the party and he was like, yeh.
i’m trying to think up the best theme for my art show other than complete fucking rage and drunken annoyance and faggy typical hipster crap.
one girl shit-talked me somewhere on the www. i don’t remember where exactly but she said that i wore “annoying mod clothes”
wait, what?
are people allowed to be annoyed by other people’s clothes? and i wear mod clothes? fuck that i wear whatever i can get my hands on, the cheaper the better, the more used-up and oldschool, classic, better even. i do not own modern clothing and i do not know anything about brand-recognition other than things i remember from a magazine that falls on my lap from a cool person.
what i do know is how to put things together, how to style things effectively and if that is annoying to you then you should put your fat fucking lips back to your bong and suck until you get zits all over your moustache.
i am so irritated when girls say to me oh do you ever walk down the street and see people and think i could help that man/woman with their outfits?
and i go, no, not really, but if they asked me i would help them put it all together in a way that would flatter their bodytype using what they already own, just sort of re-arrange stuff, however i also consider the fact that it is possible that these people don’t want to be helped, dear friend, so there is no reason to be thinking i could help them, got it?
i am annoying because i dress a certain way to appear to be secure with myself and it is annoying you because i am not dressing like you because i would rather wear ten dollar pants and the same smelly shirt everyday and go to the zoo and have fun all at the same time while you are reading my blog and being annoyed by it.
do you find that photo annoying and mod? it’s a halloween costume. and yes i was annoyed by having to wear that skirt in highschool for a whole year but now i have a conservative catholic school skirt, so there.
if i was uglier they might like me more and if my writing was rant-less they might hire me and if you had been nicer to me and did the nasty with me i wouldn’t have cheated on you with my ex because you were busy pleasing yourself instead of laying me because i was smoking all of your weed and being driven around all over the city by you taking photos of everything and behind my back you were coking women and i had no idea because i was in such a delusional cloud of insecurity and fear and you kicked me out the nite before the sex tv interview and i had to do it in my ghetto apt. instead with my friends in the next room listening to me blow it, completely.
i finally figured out in the car with you that you wanted someone to be mean to you because you were use to that sort of thing but that is not what i do i can’t be mean to people i am loving and i told you this on bathurst outside of sneaky dee’s and you kinda giggled and went silent because you knew i was right and then we were on spadina and you were going to push me out of the car and it was moving and i was like fine i can’t fucking handle this anymore, i was ready to leave you at any given time because you were such a monster, a complete monster of a man
but at the last moment you grabbed the strap of my shoulder bag and said you just couldn’t do it you couldn’t bear to see me go or some other controlling crap like that but you did take my cigarette and throw it at my window and hot sparks of cigarette flew all over my everything and it hurt but i sat there and took it over and over again and your roommate hated me ‘cos i was always there and he was your best friend and best friends should never be roommates when one has a terror of a companion because she is in this terrible mess
and everyone knows what is going on they see it at parties in public in homes you are always there and she is smiling and laughing and drinking and drugging because she is so ashamed that she is raymitheminx suppose to be this big strong badass and she is with this man who is destroying her and destroying hisself at the same time and now he is friends with all of her friends and has effectively convinced them to see his side of it all because they all live down the street from each other and have blogs now and they miss her they say because they inevitably realised that hey this girl was a nice girl to us, we used her, she paid for everything, she let us move in, we stole her shit and lied about it she had all these parties she let everything happen for us
no wait she is crazy, crazytheminx, heheh that’s pretty funny, eh
focker, you spat in my face, you smashed my stuff, you locked me out on the balcony in the winter and i was naked you put hot pizza in my face you got me to quit my job to “take care of me” and you gave me zero money i had to beg borrow and move on and go away
fuck you loser, fuck everything about you, you have my friends and you constantly lie to them about everything because you are a user, abuser and a loser
i am not afraid of you anymore
you didn’t have the courage to punch me in the face
you’re nothing but a heatbag
ps it is in your better interest to get around to emailing me and transferring all of that website info over to me, i have waited long enough, some people are trying to get their act together and it’s hard with your constant delay. you have ’til the end of the week. thank you.
pps good luck with the rest of your life and yes i will never get over this.
well thats the thing hipsters do not want to read about hipsters
hipsters HATE hipsters
they want to read about scummy cool dangerous people because everyone knows that hipsters are big pussies and all they do is read chunky dictionaries in farty arty dark bars with candles all alone and they butt in on other people’s conversations to say something annoyingly clever and then they turn to their friend and say zoltan! and snicker.
that’s what i do anyway except i make people cry and/or jump into a bonfire and then i try and sell them a website.
ha!
From: “Tony C”
To: “‘Raymi Lauren'”
Subject: RE: special party
Date: Mon, 1 Nov 2004 11:29:00 -0500
Nope not me.. I’d have to be way more arrogant and at least booze and carouse
with hoochies to be a rockstar. It’ll only lower your blog rating. Besides
blogs are for you young hipsters. Though if you ever make a blog for the
elderly
or almost elderly I’d be perfect and I can give you a bulk rate on content.
—–Original Message—–
From: Raymi Lauren [mailto:
Sent: Monday, November 01, 2004 10:13 AM
To: “Tony C”
Subject: RE: special party
i am putting this on my blog because u are a rock star
>From: “Tony C”
>To: “‘Raymi Lauren'”
>Subject: RE: special party
>Date: Sun, 31 Oct 2004 23:56:30 -0500
>
>About me? hmmm is someone willing to pay for it? Cause I’ll make shit
>up for a price.
>I have a tech addiction to support. lol I’m doing good had a couple of
>accidents but being I’m semi unbreakable and I bounce I’m be back to
>action soon.
>Foccusing mainly
>on business and staying out of trouble. Was in TO again last summer
>causing mayhem on the danforth. Think I got on the news that time. Or
>so I heard. Had a youth regression and went to hip hop concerts in
>bryant park as well. shamefully most of my video from that was the
>hoochie dancers but hey I like dem hoochies. Got a couple of new jobs.
>Moved several times. Most recently last month. Stopped hangin at most
>sites.
>Proclaimed myself
>innocent and pure as the falling snow or a baby lamb. Decided it was
>better to go back to hating people first then decided trying to snap
>those that piss me off in half only leads to lebgthy trials which my
>best friend who’s a defense attorney vows to get me locked up for being
>stupid. Other than just chillin waitin for scary terrorist shit to
