im already annoyed and so over christmas and it’s not even christmas.
i got some nice boots and other things i forget already.
gifts aren’t the important part anyway.
it’s the insults and being around one another and eating festive pizza from little caesar’s and doing laundry and the cat going mental over catnip sockmice and the christmas cards falling into the gas fireplace off of the mantel and then trying to learn how to play backgammon again.
oh and making a popsicle stick ballerina that is suppose to be a puppet.
and then tomorrow you do it again at the place where there are other people that you are related to.
when people run out of ways of getting attention, they start lying.
they make up these ridiculous stories all of the time and you sit there going ya, uh huh, yaaa, and you are like, yo guy, you know that i know that what you are saying is utter bullshit and not at all believable, right?
and then the guy gets super-ass defensive all scary angry at you and has to find someone in the room to back up his tall-tale so he brings someone back who heard the story a year ago and the guy goes see this is jack, jack knows, jack was there so it happened, yo! and jack nods his head all out of it and bored and disappears and because you don’t want to make waves you act like you believe the fable and go back to thinking about lipstick and tennis rackets and then the fucker has to ruin your time all over again by saying another lie because his lie-o-meter is set to full now, thanks to jack.
and so Dr. liarface gets all into lying again and by now you have zero patience for the shit but it’s ok because liar doesn’t notice at all because he is so into fabricating this version of the same lie he always tells that it doesn’t matter if you are listening or not so then because you are a callous asshole, you turn to liefuck and say, hey liefuck, maybe if you got a job, perhaps you wouldn’t have to make up all this non-existant crap all of the time and then you would actually be interesting. how about that?
but because liar’s entire life is one big fantasy it is not possible for him to change.
so you should probably avoid him.
‘cept for when yer bored in the bar and feel like hearing about on-fire unicorns with machine guns duct-taped to their heads.
and i think we all agree that the BEST is when some guy tells a story that happened to him but it’s actually a story that happened to you and you told him about it a year ago and then you get to see with your very own eyes that this douchebag rips you off MAJOR! and you think, fucker, he probably tells all of my stories. i am SO not ever telling a story to him EVER AGAIN and then you look around the room at everybody looking at douchebag standing up telling YOUR story to them and the looks on their faces are like, wow, he is FINALLY saying something interesting and some people are actually LAUGHING and SMILING and your blood starts to boil and the veins in your forehead begin to pulse and your eyes get all squinty-mad and douchebag story stealer makes eye-contact with you and he swallows loud, all nervous-like ‘cos he forgot that you were at his social gathering and now he is FUCKING BUSTED and he is so scared that he stops telling the story, not altogether, he just kinda pauses.
and then dennis goes, come on, GO ON, what happens next?
and martha goes, ya! tell us!
and then you say, ya douchebag! tell us what happens next, please do go on, i can’t possibly wait to hear all about your trip to China.
and then Sally says, hey, didn’t YOU go to China too!?
and that’s when shit hits the fan and lying douchebag is exposed and when you leave his shoddy apartment of lies, you help yourself to a couple unopened bags of potato chips and a knick-knack or two.
over-hearing young people’s conversations fills me with rage.
it makes me want to smoke cigarettes and scowl from up in a tree and tape record everything i hear from a cute little microphone that i dangle inconspicuously from the branches and once the word like is used more than 30 times, i am allowed to make shit fall out of the tree on top of all the young people and i jump out like a superstar and exclaim THIS AMBUSH IS FOR THE WORD “LIKE” AND MAY YOU FROM HERE ON FORTH USE IT ONLY IF YOU ARE IN ENGLISH CLASS AND YOUR TEACHER IS TELLING YOU TO WRITE A SIMILE!!! BLAAAAAAAAAK!
and then all these cats that know how to walk on their hind legs show up and are all snotty to the young people and then the young people leave town forever except for little girls who are maybe 6 years old, they can stay because i like it when they look at my cat ears winter hat and roll their eyes and then go to school on monday and tell their best friend sarah that they saw a teenager wearing the dumbest hat ever and then sarah says, WHATEVER! MY BROTHER IS GAY! TOP THAT!
does anyone want to buy this? i am getting tired of looking at it.
This is an early valentine for you cause you’re probably the coolest chick
ever.
You have most dudes by the balls, most girls by the heart and fucking
everyone by their tongues.
Please don’t stop writing.
Much love,
Maggie
thanks maggie. that was the best valentine because it was a picture of some nerdy guy on a hospital bed having his heart examined by a boring-looking nurse-woman and the expression on his face is like, sigh. i am too lazy/hungry to upload it so for now it is for me and me alone.
yo. i ordered some things from magic pony and they threw in a blythe doll for me for xmas and i called fil and i said i opened the package and they threw in a blythe and he is like WHY?! and i said BECAUSE THEY LOVE ME! fucking right!
i gave that other little blythe to my neice (once the big-sized one that wilheim got me arrived) who probably forgot all about her and she is in the garbage now, who knows, anyway, now i have a different-looking little sized blythe doll. she has short orange hair and orange eyes, kinda reminds me of melting dolls and also makes me want to cut off all of my hair. and she has all these hipster clothes and spectacles and has a pop-up world book where she is an artist and has a beret hipster hat and i feel like vomitting she is so cute.
VOMIT!
so get ready for more tiny-blythe pictures.
oh and for last minute xmas gifts walk your stupid ass on over to magic pony and say hi to kristin and steve and say raymi sent you and then you can all hug and stand around being socially awkward and then you buy something because you feel obligated and shy and then you go home and write about it in your journal and gush about how an inanimate object could possibly bring so much joy that you are keeping it for yourself and your cousin larry can just go fuck hisself this year.
rent king arthur if you haven’t yet seen it. the lead dude is a hunk. and that chick what uses a bowstaff is hot city and she was only eighteen when they filmed the film but ‘cos she has an accent she might pass for 23 24 25 whatever.
hi, we got a lot of you last nite and when we were walking to the beer store i picked you up and threw you in fil’s face and he couldn’t do anything about it because he was carrying a 12-pack with both hands and the sidewalk was all slippery and i only did it because he kept tripping me the whole way to the movie store and back and so i finally snapped though too bad it wasn’t packing snow because it just sprinkled all over his head instead of his face and he was wearing a hat even so it was like nothing.
ps. i taught myself the napoleon dynamite dance so this means i am 1 notch cooler or so.
