to get over my bad mood last nite we pretended to be spies again but kept smirking on the subway and i don’t like it when total strangers are thinking that i am strange or coked-out so we made like we knew each other and then i decided the new spy-game is speaking in codes that don’t make any sense and aren’t suppose to and that led to speaking in poetry/rhyme which lasted 30 seconds and by then i had a couple g/t’s in me and a 50 and things were perking up.
i decided to put out the coolness vibe whilst waiting for my 50 or rather, waiting for fil to get me my 50 and in case you are wondering the coolness vibe means standing alone and leaning against a wall and making it so you are hyperly-unaware of the fact that you are standing alone. pretending to make eye-contact with people beyond the people/persons who glance in your direction when there really are zero people standing beyond the people glancing at you to make eye-contact with is part of putting out the coolness vibe. hmm i smell a raymi’s guide to coolness vibes article on the horizon
i decided that i had a crush on john of in flight safety but changed my mind ten times, his voice is truly beautiful and some of their songs sound like sigur ros. i saw rannie of photojunkie.ca and told him i was jealous that he was nominated for a bunch of bloggies. then my crush on john was over because i felt like he was pitying me for telling him his singing was beautiful when really he was genuine about thanking me for my comment but then he said he does not in fact read my blog (fil told me he did) so bing, crush over.
emm was good and trashed which was nice and the backseat of her car was really wet and i was happy that i sat in all of it. i gave emm a button noel made because i like giving out buttons because i am awkward and don’t know how to talk to people without feeling like i am neurotic so i shove all this stuff at them, here take it AHH leave me alone.
so i extra hate the neighbours cos it sounds like they are renovating and drilling drills through cement and wood and they are probably doing it because they hate me which makes me hate them more though the renovation noises could be comnig from above or below or the other neighbours but still i like to be consistent and direct my hatred towards them.
i recognize that i drink far too much. whenever i do something i do it too much. in excess is me. now that it’s dark, i want to drink. we are going to a show, i want to drink. i play video games, i want to drink. i have a smoke, i want to drink. i watch a movie, i want to drink.
i have drinked myself overweight or something close to it. i don’t know what kind of a sober person i might be, manic? shy. most likely. neurotic. extremely moody and chemically-challenged.
it’s not a matter of not wanting to drink anymore because i can see myself being drunk for the rest of my life and being perfectly fine with that, it’s a matter of being able to not drink anymore and to drink to drink not to drink to be drunk.
i picture a drink in my hand or near it everytime i have a mental image of myself and everything around me is arty and fabulous and i say all the right things and i am very very witty.
sometimes i am so sick of myself.
sometimes it feels like i don’t know what to do, i have done all the things i thought about doing and there is no place for me to fit myself into, i don’t know how i would fare as a student, i feel like fifteen year olds are smarter than i am and wow they go to school and carry notebooks, how glamorous.
for the moment i am doing what i want to be doing, somewhere very below success and slightly above under-achievement, i am very good at under-achieving and exploiting myself for other’s entertainment and being a doormat like hey yeh i’ll go to that thing you are all going to yeah sure i can do this for you no problem, me no i’m fine i can do that for free no problem. yeah you think i’m going to be something someday? oh thanks that’s nice.
i’m that someone who is forever going to be something someday and that’s what my something is. you know how everyone has a something, well mine is that girl who is going to be something, maybe nothing, but maybe something.
this isn’t a cry for help and this isn’t a woe is me monologue and mom this isn’t a write me a long boring psycho-babble comment on my blog and ask me if i want to see doctor bipolar such and such again, stop that shit. this is my blog and this is what i am writing on it today.
no one nominated me for any bloggies, no life-time achievement no best writing no best photo blog, no best canadian blog, humor i don’t really expect to be the best in any of these categories, being at least nominated would have been nice at least for the life-time category since i’ve been at this since blogger began, late 1999 when i was 17 and now i am almost 23.
this is a bitter post and i am bitter because i turned myself into a drunk, i have been blogging forever and the conservatives won and i am unhappy with my body i drink cos i am unhappy and i am unhappy cos i drink and still no one nominated me.
i pretty much hate our neighbours, no reason why really, i just decided yeah i hate them. something about the woman’s weirdness and that wreath comment and the late-nite guitar playing which has pretty much stopped but still, i hate them.
we tried to play trivial pursuit with jen but that game went nowhere fast what with ADD hyper drunks playing and fil always winning and there being no chance possible to cheat so instead we played with the bouncy ball and drew each other with chalk.
i am not drinking for the rest of the week, tonite i will drink gingerale and be incredibly moody.
at nite i can see homeless men changing their pants in the park, they usually wear big size old man white underwears, there is a garbage bag near the bench that looks like a dead person. sometimes they try to fall asleep standing up. they never acknowledge us, sometimes i think about bringing them food or a blanket but they seem to not want to be bothered or extremely high and i don’t want to be attacked.
jen drew fil as moses and i was saying DON’T FORGET THE BAGS UNDER HIS EYES, DON’T FORGET TO MAKE HIS NOSE CROOKED AND ONE OF HIS EARS STICKS OUT FURTHER. i am mean.
it was a terribly busy weekend and now that it’s over and people flew on airplanes to go back where they came from i wonder what we will do with ourselves. i guess i will make a bunch more felt things. oh tonite we’re suppose to see in-flight safety with sean and em at the horseshoe and yes i will be drinking gingerale there.
sharpie is going away for two months, this saturday will be the last-time sharpie bender ’til spring. i just spelled spring like sprong. sprong is the best.
here me and jen in video form make moustaches out of my hair, i am a dirty perv truck driver and she is a japanese servant or something i dunno. we were playing with my bouncy ball before that and throwing it at each other’s stomaches, whipping more-like, it was like sucky girl jackass. fun.
i sliced my finger yesterday it fucking hurts to type.
oh yeah also if you care to acknowledge the background music in the video – it is perfect background moustache music.
we played with this hair clipping i had tied in a ponytail elastic and made it a moustache and armpit hair and other stuff and i think i am going to ebay it, it’s a tuft of blond hair when i gave myself bangs. the pictures are pretty funny as well the video.
