i recognize that i drink far too much. whenever i do something i do it too much. in excess is me. now that it’s dark, i want to drink. we are going to a show, i want to drink. i play video games, i want to drink. i have a smoke, i want to drink. i watch a movie, i want to drink.

i have drinked myself overweight or something close to it. i don’t know what kind of a sober person i might be, manic? shy. most likely. neurotic. extremely moody and chemically-challenged.

it’s not a matter of not wanting to drink anymore because i can see myself being drunk for the rest of my life and being perfectly fine with that, it’s a matter of being able to not drink anymore and to drink to drink not to drink to be drunk.

i picture a drink in my hand or near it everytime i have a mental image of myself and everything around me is arty and fabulous and i say all the right things and i am very very witty.

sometimes i am so sick of myself.

sometimes it feels like i don’t know what to do, i have done all the things i thought about doing and there is no place for me to fit myself into, i don’t know how i would fare as a student, i feel like fifteen year olds are smarter than i am and wow they go to school and carry notebooks, how glamorous.

for the moment i am doing what i want to be doing, somewhere very below success and slightly above under-achievement, i am very good at under-achieving and exploiting myself for other’s entertainment and being a doormat like hey yeh i’ll go to that thing you are all going to yeah sure i can do this for you no problem, me no i’m fine i can do that for free no problem. yeah you think i’m going to be something someday? oh thanks that’s nice.

i’m that someone who is forever going to be something someday and that’s what my something is. you know how everyone has a something, well mine is that girl who is going to be something, maybe nothing, but maybe something.

this isn’t a cry for help and this isn’t a woe is me monologue and mom this isn’t a write me a long boring psycho-babble comment on my blog and ask me if i want to see doctor bipolar such and such again, stop that shit. this is my blog and this is what i am writing on it today.

no one nominated me for any bloggies, no life-time achievement no best writing no best photo blog, no best canadian blog, humor i don’t really expect to be the best in any of these categories, being at least nominated would have been nice at least for the life-time category since i’ve been at this since blogger began, late 1999 when i was 17 and now i am almost 23.

this is a bitter post and i am bitter because i turned myself into a drunk, i have been blogging forever and the conservatives won and i am unhappy with my body i drink cos i am unhappy and i am unhappy cos i drink and still no one nominated me.

this is a fuck you to everyone pretty much.