raymi is busy with stuff in the suburbs but she asked me to post a pic of last night’s funtime with uncle matt.

i thought this pretty much sums it up:

PHOTOSHOP CONTEST!!!

if this one isn’t begging to photoshopped i don’t know what is

lots more here.

some kid blatantly took my picture with his cellphone camera today at union station and i didn’t flip out he acted like he didn’t do it and i as well did. wtf though?

hung with mg today was good distraction ten thousand pictures to come. i was going to visit my dad but he needed some downtime tomorrow will be mostly hospital time.

mg played me his new record, be jealous, and he mariachi’d me and fil eating room service too and i got a video of it.

everytime i speak to my dad or see him he gets weepy and emotional it breaks my fucking heart he is so tender right now i have never seen him so bare bones, well, ha, like me, it is touching and bittersweet, i tend to dwell on little things that make me weep, the same things here and there and then i want to jump through a pane of glass and then another.

Father…ooh…oh…oh…
I see the world, feel the truth
Which way to go, windowsill

Oh, dear dad, can you see me now
I am myself, like you somehow
I’ll wait up in the dark for you to speak to me
I’ll open up…Release me…
Release me (3x)
Ohh…ohh…ohh…ohh…

i’m about to do one of those hair treatment things, hot treatment, my hair should be dry or wet? hurry tell me.

my dad lived in this house ’til he was about thirteen or so.

grandma, great grandma, my dad, me.

nana’s bathroom

bought her that in england, stratford-upon-avon, gave it to my mom first, she passed it along.

hey kid, hope you’re doing okay. Just thinking about you. I check in here just about daily, like tons of others I guess, and wanted to throw a nod, wink and smile your way. I got up early this morning, read for a while, then fell back asleep and had a dream that I met you and Phil. I won’t get into stupid dream details, but we ended up at the Duke boys farm, and Uncle Jesse took me for a ride in the General Lee and we jumped a huge ramp and you said you wished you took a photo for your blog, then we saw a kid fall out a 4th floor window, and Phil pointed back up to the window and said “look, look!” and there were cobras poised to strike on the ledge inside the widow and they were biting the people gathered around the inside of the window. Nice dream eh? Analyze THAT shit! Oh, and Phil looks bigger than for in the pictures. Don’t they say ‘dreams add 20 lbs.’?

-dream police

my brother, the baller

two days ago’s breakfast wish i was eating right now, hadn’t had grease in forever.

mmmmmmmmmmmmm

this is how i killed time the first day in the hospital:

eat your heart out Art Vandelay

it makes me feel better to buy useless shit, play with it for a bit then pass it off to my niece. this room we hung in for the first few days it was like a jury room, no windows, whiteboard, anyway, fucking mental you make up all these little things to do that you normally would never get around to giving a fuck about or getting done if not for thousands of minutes of idle waiting time. those straws pissed me off and the box gave you these suggested things to create, a flower, bicycle, YEAH FUCKING RIGHT, you need scissors to cut the straws to correct length to make any of that shit come to seed. i prefer existential laziness.

then i crashed and have been crashing at fil’s mum’s and this is sophie the peanut and she is a wonderful house guarding dog she just lies there happily and you stroke her tummy as you raid the place. sigh.

cougar drawing (note the cougar print dress and slut boots hehe) i did of my mom on the whiteboard, realising more and more how much humour is a necessity, a staple and certainly a blessing, throughout all of this, and in general.

rocky misses my dad HARD. he’s staying at my brother’s for the time being with his cats to hang with though he seems pretty down, you can tell he knows something is up for sure. he is 4 years old now and tinier than one of my brother’s cats that is not even a year old. INSANE.

art piece a friend bought at an auction (estate sale?) marilyn monroe and all the drawings in the surrounding circle are of what she would have looked like if she was still alive/lived longer. have been distracting self left right and centre visitting friends don’t normally see so much who live in town. v. necessary.

dude, you slay.

rocky early morning, hanging out wondering about my dad, waiting for him at my brother’s.

chester, year old, bigger than rocky.

raymi, nothing is more important…

Thanks for making me smile every morning.
-james

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thank you so much everyone for your support and kind wishes, i feel like a cad i dunno, i feel like this should be the fluff blog that’s why i don’t do the political naggy downer thing typically, a childhood friend told me once that when she sees me cry it just kills her, it’s like seeing a clown cry, not that i am a clown but you know, after having a particular image in your head of someone and the way they are and act when something real happens and they get bummed, it can be shocking. don’t get me wrong i many a time drunk cry spring it on someone and trap them into my shit but yeah, thousands of people daily whom have never met me come here to hear about how obsessed i am with my body and hair and mediocre obvious movie observations and then oh shit she IS real. anyway, i am so uh touched and despite my dad’s pride and not wanting to express or share what is going on right now, i know he would be touched as well. i don’t want to downplay nor blow anything out of proportion, it’s too soon to say, we are all thinking positively and everyday, better and better it seems, better news, better signs, there’s just a tiny hump of scary sadness to overcome, technical shit if you will.

i am this close to drunk dialing the hospital.

i’m just walking around all hysterical in my head i’m not going to give too many details my dad likes his privacy. i had a tan and some greasy spoon and a thousand cups of tea and distract myself as much as possible until the haunting shit comes back to me and squeezes my heart i can’t even lose my mind yet, there will be weeks and weeks and more weeks longer until that is even an option. drinking everyday walking around this town of memories that reminds me of everything before all this.

i feel like a prisoner of my own head in my body.

haunted mostly, mostly haunted that’s as accurate as i can get right now. i bumped into tarley we went for a walk to the lake and the pier i’m so so so so tired, can’t sleep.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK