i have not mailed this yet. i was high when i made it. i am going to wait ’til 2014 to send it.

yep definitely baked, gentle thoughts?

me: O========3

Phil: is that supposed to be something crude

me: i was trying to figure out what you use for balls
Q====3
sigh

Phil: 8====3
doi

me: oh
sorry balls wizard

check out this dude

he had a thousand things brought with him to play some nerd game world of warcraft? i walked behind him and saw he was at a store called wands r us. i think that’s his own modem. i’m guessing the majority of my readers look like this.

this person is sexist.

one of the things liane sent from shanghai.

me: did you like getting blown last nite

Phil: duh

me: should we make a blown chart

Phil: ?

me: omg
a calendar of blownness

Phil: sure yes

me: sometimes it’s like you dont know me at all
i just had to stir my coffee with a knife
the last two days it was a fork

Phil: oh mercy how are you surviving

me: tomorrow it will be a q-tip
lets use every single plate and glass before we do the dishwasher

Phil: ok

me: it wont all fit though

Phil: no it wont

me: so much for that idea

Phil: yes, so much

Hi Raymi,

In keeping with the trend of hilarous yet dumb licence plates, I spotted one two days ago.

Cheers,
Laura

PS. I can’t go for more than a day without checking your blog. You are very talented.

ew, does that mean venereal disease crazy?

yesterday before i decided to eat an egg salad sandwich for dinner we debated getting hot dogs but these two fat girls beat us there of course fat girls can run when a hot dog stand is in their path anyway so we are waiting and waiting and i have more time to think about how annoying hot dogs are to eat while walking with all those condiments and the inside is full of hot steam and i end up being really irritable, not worth it, and so there is a lady behind us now waiting too and i say really loud NOPE NO HOT DOGS TOO FATTENING and drag fil away. i KNOW i made everyone feel fat because i am a fucking witch. seriously the one chick in front of us had a backgina and was wearing a belly top and lululemon stretch pant knock-offs and she was BIG. i didn’t mean to tell everyone hot dogs are fattening even though it was the equivalent of walking into mcdonald’s and walking out screaming that everything is a heart attack waiting to happen while everyone is sitting down elbow-deep in cheeseburgers mmm cheeseburgers i want one now.

seriously i think someone should flier mcdonald’s and pizza hut and taco bell and kfc shit like YOU ARE KILLING YOUR KIDS. when i see people with obese dogs i want to strangle them.

i just meant to tell fil that i planned on eating a ton of popcorn so maybe i should have something a bit healthier than sweaty homeless meat for dinner.

and now it is hot dog time don’t worry i will fucking kill myself before you get the chance

me: i like when cid sits like he is a person
when he licks himself
like we are in a book club

Phil: yes

me: do you like me cos i say really gay stuff about your cat

Phil: yes

me: are we in a gay

Phil: yes

me: wait til you see my hair

Phil: ok

me: mmmmmmmmm rotisserie

Phil: mmm shhh
i can smell it

me: i cant type because i am visualizing it all around me

me: did u call alex

Phil: no
i got a speeding ticket instead

me: OMG
well finally
where
how fast were u going
did you learn your lesson

Phil: on lakeshore and the funny part is i was only going 76 in a 60 which most cops would never stop you for but this guy had his little trap set up and obvs was trying for quantity over quality
anyway
i will fight it in court

me: did you give attitude

Phil: no
not at all

me: whats to fight you sped

Phil: fastest ticket i ever got

me: how much is ticket for

Phil: oh i will ask for a trial and then in the trial i will ask the prosecutor to provide me with a copy of the cop’s notes and for the maintenance records for the radar gun and then an adjournment so i can study the material

me: OMG

Phil: and then hopefully it will just get too complicated and the cop will give up

me: they will just blow you off
there is no way that will work

Phil: no they can’t
by law
they have to do all of those things

me: i would be so annoyed by you i would just send you to jail
and then what are you going to talk about a rogue helicopter too?

Phil: fortch that’s not how the law works judge raymi
no that would be silly

me: thats you
have fun with that

Phil: ya thanks ive seen that million times

me: well obvs you have cos you are basing your upcoming speeding ticket trial on it

Phil: the prosecution has to share its evidence with you
it’s the law the cop’s notes yes
the maintenance records yes

me: yeah i know that i think it’s just funny to ask for maintenance records of a speed gun do you want to see the records of my blowdryer too?

Phil: it’s actually a common thing for getting out of tickets

me: alright alright
it just sounds funny
and we all know i love to laugh!

Phil: ha

me: “an adjournment so i can study the material” ahahahah like you REEEEALLY have to think hard about the perfectly maintained gun

Phil: and the cop’s notes
it has to be calibrated on a regular basis if not it can give you a false reading too

me: yeah im sure it gave a false reading fil

Phil: you know my dick?
suck it

me: HAHAHHAHAHAHA
i thought you were going to tell me there is a rash on it

Phil: omg

me: how much was ticket for

Phil: $55

me: are you mean fil today? (wearing glasses, not contacts)

Phil: yes

me: good thing
all that shit for 55? just PAY IT

Phil: no way
insurance

me: fine

ok i know you are all dying to know what course of action we took last nite so here it is:

i ate an egg salad sandwich on marble rye from starbuck’s while walking to the varsity to catch the 6.45 vip showing of ocean’s 13 which was garbage i thought and we shared combo 1, large popcorn and large coke and nibs which i purposely forgot, those little bastards are disgusting if you like nibs do not bother to read my blog anymore – and fil thought he ate most of it so he refused to eat anything else (didn’t eat dinner), fine, you are a skeleton anyway what does it matter if you eat 5 hamburgers. so then we walk back toward the annex to return little children which was due back last thursday i am not paying that fine i always pay it and as we passed tutti frutti i decided i needed to buy some candy on the way back from the video store, fil says i thought you didn’t have a sweet tooth no i don’t but the days i don’t drink it is instant in my brain that i need something sweet and then fil declares that he feels like we should be drinking beer on a patio and i sort of ignore him as he has toyed with my emotions like this before so i buy a huge bag of candy and fil buys some too and then we go to the beer station and i have two jameson’s (cheap!) and fil had this thai beer called singha (6%) and he got two free promo glasses that i shoved in my purse and we looked over the beer tour list you can win a cheesy jacket if you drink all 90 beers they carry. i felt that the bartender was flirting with fil a little bit but i kept my trap shut, we kept paying separately for our drinks and we typically aren’t all PDA with each other and we sort of look alike so people assume we are siblings, anyway, we left to have more drinks on pauper’s downstairs patio, i had two house reds and fil had i forget then we went home and tonite will be sober nite.

when are hell’s kitchen re-runs?

oh i gave the bartender some of my candy to get her to like me more i thought i was scowling too much and there wasn’t a conversation opener ever for me to make some phony flirty laugh noises so i just like barked at her to HAVE SOME CANDY then i felt like karla homolka cos i kept insisting that she have more.

oh when we got home fil threw a hundred dollars at me and called me a whore no he said here have some money you whore. ahahaha. it was my money so shut up everyone.

Phil: ha funny
she wasn’t flirting with me

me: but i kept it a secret cos i wanted to see more of it

+++

Hello friends,

a small troup of us got together and wore some tight clothing while singing along to a new arrangement of Queen’s “Somebody to Love”. The best part was that we taped it and put it online!

HERE.

It’s a little contest, so voting requires a log in, but that’s not going to stop us, now is it?

Feel free to pass it along to any friends looking for somebody to love as well. Enjoy.

Big hearts to all of you,

M

it’s amazing, wait for the cats part near the end my favourite!

tonite is sober nite should we see ocean’s thirteen or pirates or knocked up?

and should i eat a massive burrito for dinner or eat a XXXXXL bag of movie popcorn?

starvation is rotting my brain.

i am reading this book right now called the burn journals it is a memoir this guy douses his robe in gasoline and sets himself on fire in his bathtub and survives and the book is all about him in hospital recovering, it’s sad and funny there’s one part where he has visitors and they’re talking to him and his medication gives him wicked gas and they’re trying to be all serious and act like he isn’t farting and he keeps ripping farts for the rest of the chapter. woah the website has a photo gallery check it out. anyway he is not as hideous-looking as he describes himself in the book. lucky.

i can’t stop thinking about eating singapore vermicelli no wonder white people OD on chinese food we have no idea how to pace ourselves they bring you the big oval plate of your dish and a spoon meant for divying out portions as if that happens you will be lucky if i even let you have a bite.

today i am depressed.