after explaining to my mom fifty times that that “interview” is not a contest and there is no reason to nominate and where the thumbs up thing is etc unghhhhhh (typos left as is for full effect of how on edge i am/get.
Phil: i will think about it you think too
tracey: are you supposed to nominate yourself?
lauren: there is nothni to nominate its a fucknig interview dont talk to me anymore today im going to explode dont write back hahaa well all i know is i am having some woine i am way too wound up
Phil: do what you have to do peach
me: PEACH WAHT DOES HTAT MEAN
Phil: ?
me: im kidding
Phil: oh phew
me: im being psycho
Phil: ok psycho go tan
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and then i can’t find my tanning goggles
me: found them someone put them in my new drawer
Phil: where
me: ! you! dont ever dothat again
Phil: i told you to look there and you said u already did i told you to look there and you said u already did i told you to look there and you said u already did i told you to look there and you said u already did don’t force me to clean up your messsy area then
me: it is our messy area thats lauren space for lauren time for looking in the mirror at lauren
!!PAINTING SOLD!! AND FOR THE EXACT ASKING PRICE TOO!! I’M RICH AGAIN!
looks dark and spooky but it is actually sunny and whimsical.
see? as fil fucks off down the street with the environmentally friendly reusable grocery bag oh that must mean we are going to whole foods! i asked fil if he was going to be as annoying as last time where he thinks he is planet lesbo earth saviour and gets all manic and MUST find the most organic of organic tuna – he’s switched to all natural patchouli/orange deodorant guys, he’s serious.
fil’s dinner, saving the world one bite at a time with the washable non-garbage bowl.
mine, note the cardboard. i wasn’t planning to eat it all in one sitting, fil helped, then gave me a WICKED COOL LECTURE about recycling!
i normally throw in a hard-boiled egg as my meat substitute but they were out.
how much of a cock was i for saying meat substitute?
my FIRST TIME hardboiling eggs. i had to call my mom and she had to ask her mom. i have seen it done before but i was super young and that’s when my mom gave a shit about making food so i guess she has forgotten. i put the phone on speaker for fil to hear my mom, nana, and papa all talking at once trying to tell me how to do it and he asked me to TURN OFF THE NOISE! i thought it was cute.
check out the crazy in his eyes.
i think cid is bipolar.
received an anonymous letter in the mail yesterday via easypost i would be lying if i said i wasn’t nervous intrigued by it. tell me if it was you cos i don’t remember sending myself a letter.
though it seems like something i would go out of my way to say/send to myself so who knows.
we ate two, pickled the other four. i am a good cook.
that white blemish on the left is not on the canvas i don’t know why it’s there anyway whoever wants it email me and i will tell you the astronomical price of it based on who you are and level of how much i like you oh and you can tell me to stop adding shit to it or keep going etc.
cool story tough guy.
wet hair + bun = curly barf
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these geniuses decided the day they put up my interview is a good one to change the voting system, so now it’s thumbs up or thumbs down, go give me a thumbs up please.
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baltimore weighs in
dear raymi
when i was originally directed to this site (and i dont remember how) i said (probably something like this, embarrassingly enough) “nice, a hot girl” but two minutes later i said “shit, this girl is funny “ and, as a sidebar, i thought …and she’s hot too… (please read the … [ellipses?] as the beginning and end of a internal conversation) but the crux of this email is you are funny and, to use a word i dont really like but find particularly apt in this situation, clever and i read the words instead of just looking at pictures please continue to be funny but dont think about trying to be funny because you will forget how so after you read the last word of this email, and it has become very confusing indeed, forget all about it starting now
crap sleep last nite. figured since we weren’t drinking booze we may as well have cold coffees after 9pm and go for a walkies and rent road to guantanamo, it ended around 12.30 then couldn’t get to sleep, that fucking umbrella song that every slut i know is all about was running through my head, i have only heard it a few times, maybe i’ll get it off itunes today to blow my mind to it all afternoon. and now i am up cos that pepto bismol jingle decided to affix itself to THE VERY ESSENCE OF MY MIIIIND.
on a sidenote, if i were to somehow meet rihana and she had her umbrella, could i like, demand to stand under it with her, is her song like a mutually binding-contract if i buy it off itunes? or am i going to get a check to the ground and an elbow to the spine and served with a restraining order?
maybe she should be a little more careful with all those promises she throws around, what’s that other one about being a murderer, no wait, the SOS please someone help me, see, lucky i am smart, cos not everyone is so like some dude could you know esgithrgnrelnvfdlbfd
i have a good feeling about the garbage what will be my posts today, fingers crossed.
the old man next door is yelling at the ancient woman he lives with, his wife or mother, who knows, he is depressing the hell out of me, calling her an asshole and other mean shit, she is the frailest little bird thing and he is an angry fucking dick, i was standing in the hall listening, this close to yelling STOP YELLING AT YOUR WIFE but figured he would say she is not my wife and then we get to have hostile uncomfortable tension on our floor until we move away or they both die. if she dies and i never say anything i will feel like shit for the rest of my life, so what if i make that guy feel embarrassed, he SHOULD feel that way. he just left the apartment and waited for the elevator and i watched him through the peep-hole, he was breathing really heavy and sighing. fuck him. yeah it’s so overwhelming to verbally abuse a woman likely suffering from alzheimers and cannot fend for herself, way to go dickbag.
chicken kalbasa (v. low in fat) super aged cheddar, wheat hot dog bun, toasted.
fucking beauty, i am crying right now.
blow your head off mustard. i walked it out to fil and he said i should layer more shit on it so i could cut it into quarters so we would have “more food” – i didn’t want to compromise the melted of the cheese.
sharing is essential, oh hi are you guys on a date?
whoops still hungry. there was a couple more rounds to this eating tour, no pictures to prove though.
oh, so we meet again.
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BLOGINTERVIEWER interviewed yours truly. go read and be very annoyed amused.
hey man it’s like we are so in a boat, just, imagine it ok?
when that girl was done hitting on stefan everytime her boyfriend wasn’t looking she got up to dance near me and whipped me in the face and back of the head with her amazon hair a few times, thanks.
trying to get my socks.
nope, almost there.
then it occurred to me to just hold the camera like a normal person, featured on my left knee is the famous escalator divot-scar. those socks are made for tiny little asian legs, my calves pass just barely.
hey is this the poseidon?
laserbreaths.
oh barf on me you guys.
so true!
wow!! my thoughts exactly.
hey it’s duncan! his band is called madrid and i was blown away, wicked tunes to dance to.
my pictures are super garbage tho i was too busy dancing like an insecure tool.
so i am wearing this outfit on the street corner with fil waiting to cross to the other side to get a cab and this cab slides up behind us at a red light and i hear hey look at that slut hey nice socks and some other talking me and fil look at each other and turn to see three dudes in a cab, drunk frat dickheads, and one has a super guilty look on his face and immediately says we weren’t talking about you and i go zero to rage and yell OH YEAH THEN WHO THE FUCK WERE YOU TALKING TO THEN YOU PIECE OF SHIT? and they are all shocked and scared and i anticipate something but all the guy can say is i was talking to her and points to this nice asian lady wearing very conservative clothes and i turn back to them and go OH YEAH!? and the guy goes YEAH then i say oh yeah? and the guy goes YEAH! and the cab drives away.
haha. i live for these moments.
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a radmad afternoon
thai drums, four with thai coleslaw, ten bucks.
radmad had corn salsa chicken pizza, kinda soggy. our waitress blew, not until she realised i had “connections” with her employer did she stop blowing. some frozen grapes were sent over and she is like uh these are for you and do you know why? with loads of attitude, like it was a test – way to be professional.
there is always one hot day every summer where i fuck up and wear leather flips flops i should throw them away.
then anita the lezbot showed up and quickly realised radmad was trashed.
then fil, who spent the majority of the time ignoring us. FINE!
sorry yanks, the big guy is canadian.
vernon wells! he spent the whole time on his iPhone and radmad kept yelling about it like it was personally offending her, dude just signed a $125 million contract so he can pretty much do whatever he wants. oh man imagine if pitt was with us yesterday, the comedy just writes itself.
at this point i put two and two together and realise that radmad has been drinking DOUBLES the whole time, so she had ten crown and diet cokes, not 5 + 30 degree toronto heat over the course of three hours.
vernon, all this and MORE can be yours, pal.
this guy spent 90% of his date leering at us over his ladyfriend’s head, and around her shoulder, she was older, slammin’ body though.
