sunday dinner at the Z’s i braved day two of illness cos their house is for sale and i didn’t want to miss a chance to see it again, say/think what you want about me but i am truly a sentimental nostalgic bastard.
i read this on the couch when i went down for a little count, why am i not writing children’s books? i mean i entertain you guys daily and you have the mental capacity of well…
love this charm necklace made up of several charm bracelets looks like it came straight out of a museum.
kaleidoscope fetish, they’re all over the house.
steve made this last week for his mom haha j/k no when he was eight and of course it’s his mother’s pride and joy holy shit that guy is spoiled and can do no wrong i’m shocked they don’t carry him around on a large satin pillow. ps. that angel is crap steve
deep thoughts with steve zissou. his wife will be coming out in january (cheaper flights) yay.
yes i purposely rolled my sleeve to reveal THE TATTOO (it’s still healing so chill) and now i notice people with tattoos and how they purposely pose in pictures now. unnecessary uncomfortable and awkward poses just to show us a shitty tribal tattoo, i will show you my findings sometime never.
blah bla so sick so weak could barely get through this wine.
my favourite in this picture is steve’s dad’s hair or the jug of gin, can’t decide SO CLOSE! mr. z is a fantastic chef ps.
i make the same national lampoon’s christmas vacation joke about this centerpiece every time i visit, this year i kept it to myself.
i placed myself in the center so i could take in the spinning then the combo of eating my first meal aside from saltines AND said spinning almost made me spew, i had to leave the table for a TUMS and slugged the hell out of my gingerale. best dinner guest ever.
amazing risotto (w/ pancetta and corn) and roast steak (?) i had a teeny portion only, sad to say maybe if i sat further from that spinning nativity scene like in the kitchen or something i could have eaten more.
memory lane. it’s so weird (interesting) when your friend’s/bf/everyone you know’s parents went to the same high school at different times as well as their children. total bubble town.
as if i wouldn’t wear that outfit now, and what is midget basketball? the term used for women’s basketball? cos we have smaller brains?
B.A.B.E.
steve’s dad.
lookin’ fine, feelin’ fiiiineuuuuuuuuh thud.
mum worrying about the weather and son’s delayed flight. i said hey don’t even worry, in fact, we might even die on our way to the airport so relax. she loved that so much she put a hex on my tattoo.
fil is already buzzed on nog and i am sober sallying it at the moment, will have a drink in a few, i’ve basically been sobes all sick long and thinking maybe i should take advantage of this not giving a drinking shit momentum and go all the way with it.
psshhhhhhyeah, that’s what i’m just practicing to tell my therapist after holidays. like “it really worked for awhile there”.
hi guise i thought i was on the mend but then i woke up this morning and THE SICKNESS had made its way to my throat, total phlegmland. we had a lot of last minute gift buying to do and i of course started to panic about it, fil was going with or without me so i had to decide either to stay in bed get better and obsess over all the things i wasn’t getting done in the outside world OR go out despite being sick as a dog, spread the influenza to as many stores as possible, and get shit done. so i got shit done with bloodshot eyes and zero energy and you know it kinda worked to my benefit cos i was able to achieve this zen-like state akin only to hot-boxing your brains out or whatever, no crabby bitches got me down today no siree, not possible, what i can barely hear out of my right ear.
ok where was i oh yeah i made little video updates from every stop and my happiness/tolerance level dramatically dips at each one. crabby in the car, not in the store. new rule. except i forgot to tell fil about that one not like he’d listen anyway.
good luck to you all tomorrow you last minute shopping motherfuckers, you will need it. wear layers that you can remove, nothing too heavy, throw a bottle of water in your purse and nuts or one of those hippie bars avoid the mall food court for the sake of your own sanity, that’s what a gossip magazine told me in the car today.
yesterday i stir crazy attacked the kitchen cabinets fuck they were so filthy, once you notice a speck you notice everything, it was no easy task, we clean those things never. fil said he wants to hire a cleaning lady (sexist) and he said this literally a minute after i had the same idea (but would never indulge in such a luxury, i would feel way too guilty and fat and useless) so i then decided why the hell would we pay someone when i can do a shittier job for free? so basically my right bicep is like arnold’s right now. i attacked every door frame, door, drawer any space our fingers touch and then other places wow reading about cleaning is fascinating right?
oh what’s that? anorexic you say? hahaha
if i told you how much i weigh now my mother would faint.
sick is the best exercise i never had. (that’s my quote i just invented it yes i realise how clever it is)
oh and i’m 20 again.
and i have perfect balance for the first time ever (tellin’ ya get yourself a zen cold, today)
during my leave of absence i also discovered the television has a blog.
and this would be smokey eyes, it makes more sense in real life and if your canvas (face) isn’t sickly pale like mine.
to be fair to cid this is an especially unflattering shot of him out of the ten i took. i wanted to capture the essence of his psychotically desperate obsession with fil.
washed and dried my school skirt (dry clean only my ass!) and tried it on to see if it shrunk, didn’t. i think it’s never before been washed. nice.
i had other things to say but i forget them. til later.
oh yes i remember i bought myself a ceramic curling iron so i can have “holiday hair” tomorrow and for christmas, i figure i have this stupid long hair i may as well do something with it for example in early highschool years i both curled and braided it like a christina aguilera nitemare. PUMPED. i should start collectnig little pieces of crap too, tinsel and miniature angels and butterflies. ew.
i also learned from the information magazines that a lot of celebrity babies are extremely ugly and that no matter how famous you are and how much your personal trainer and personal chef keeps you lean, you can’t get them to visit your birthing sac ok dudes even i have no idea what i am trying to say anymore so good nite.
did you know that aunt bethany from national lampoon’s christmas vacation was the voice of betty boop and olive oyl?!
i have not been this sick in ages, it’s not the same thing fil has been struggling with the last few days or so, my thing was/is straight-up chills/shakes and sweats fever at first i thought i was just hungover but throughout the day into evening my condition became increasingly worse. you know that pathetic sick when you’re all I WANT MY MOM ugh so terribly lame, i hope none of you get this it’s hell.
i soaked my side of the bed through to the mattress with sweat last nite, then had to sleep on a towel. i have so many funny dumb things to say about friday but i have no energy, sigh.
had to bail on the smirnoff party but turns out there weren’t swag bags or open bar anyway. natalie dropped off a ton of magazines popsicles gingerale soups cold fx green teas, too too generous.
i stayed in this position on the couch four hours and hours like a mummy.
well at least i know how i’m going to look dead. these pictures were taken during a long bout of the shakes, so fun. i asked fil if i was dying of meningitis a million times too.
my throat is fucked, i’m weak and walking into shit.
hope this is over soon.
good news the chills are gone, greater news the fever has arrived, time for an ice pack wheee!
oh yeah and i cried infinity times yesterday too and had mini panic attacks all day, such a sensitive weakling susan right now, i just bawled in bed to forrest gump.
How are you feeling snot face? I hope way better and that you are still laying low.
So I give the party a 4 out of 10. It was pretty big. Cocktails were $6-8 – so crazy. If a booze company throws a party shouldn’t they at least make the booze free? I paid 4 bones for a fucking water, no garnish, ha! It was big and the set up was really well done – there were lots of different rooms and the lighting was great. The music was shiteous house and the crowd was made up of models, sluts, yuppies, 905ers, and pseudo rock stars with faux hawks and big emblems painted on the backs of their jackets – bog age range which was kind of good. I couldn’t help but think about what all these retards are going to do when we go into this depression – they spend $600 on heels and then wear them in a snowstorm – I was on the balcony watching them all come in with open toed shoes and snow up to the middle of their shins, not so bright. I didn’t drink because I was driving. Overall the concept was too much like the Rock Star Hotel party from a couple years ago – did you go to that? – super similar. I ended up a Squirrely’s for last call, smoking my one hitter with my hosebag friends like the dirt that I am deep down inside
It would have been way more fun if you were there.
i will give you one million billion dollars if you can decipher whatever the shit i am saying at the end of this masterpiece cos i have no clue.
i caught fil’s cold, and i am hung, great time last nite thank you all for braving the blizzard for my gizzard and now i think i am going to be violently ill.
oh and my entire body is sore from busting ten thousand moves.
remind me to tell you about the guy on ketamine.
oh look, we have officially been schooled, 48 seconds in is when it gets good.
i am too angry to bathe right now because i have to get this off my brain that is currently swimming in what i thought was brand new (sprayed) shoe fumes so i put them away in the box they came in and shoved it in the hallway closet to protect cid’s precious little (large) being from them THEN i went to do laundry (your favourite) and realise the fumes are stronger in the hallway so i sniffed all around opened the door to the stairwell, nope not from there, sniff at the neighbour’s door ok maybe it’s from there, grab my basket and walk across the hall to the other side/stairwell and who should open his door but the whistling genius typewriter clacking late nite garbage-shuting hero with a ceramic heater pointing into the hallway and a 4L jug of varnish/urethane something propping the door open, i look down at it and squint simultaneously cheerily sing-song hello at him then go down the stairs to the laundry by now my head is pounding from the fumes and my ponytail headache THEN my favourite drier’s lint trap is predictably full of someone else’s fluff and THEN i slip on someone’s spilled laundry liquid and almost cuff the back of my head on the folding table and do the splits. if i was wearing these new shoes that wouldn’t have happened, i wouldn’t have thought they were reeking of shoe spray fumes IF THE FLOOR OF THIS BUILDING DIDN’T REEK OF URETHANE.
ok next, i take the same stairwell back up so i can get a better look at this guy’s urethane get-up, i stand there doing the pee pee should i knock on his door dance then decide to come back here call fil tell him what’s up, should i confront dude or the super? i also put a towel at the bottom of the door to try and block this shit to no avail. so then your hero decides to go confront the whistler, i knock on his door and say hello? he says hello. i say can you not point that heater into the hallway it’s filling up my apartment with the smell and i have a cat and bla bla lblah can you open a window? his boots are on the outside of the apartment too for some reason and i gather he sprayed them and put them in the hall so we can all smell the chemicals? SMART. but no turns out his sliding glass door is frozen shut and he asks if i would like to come in and help him open it. so i do, but i am a weakling and can’t. part of me was like ok here it goes i’m going to get hacked to pieces and the other part was like awesome i get to see how this creature lives and turns out his apt. is exactly like ours except mirror reflection like anyone who has ever lived in a townhouse comments on when they visit a neighbour (that’s gotta be a meme right?) anyway i ask when was the last time you opened this door? he says last week and maybe he should put his boots outside downstairs? in my head i’m like YEAH MAYBE YOU THINK!??! why would you spray your shoes inside if your door is frozen shut?
i say do you want me to go get the super to try and do this he says sure i’ll just wait here WTF LAZY THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM NOT MINE but i go and do it cos the fumes have made me high and generous apparently, i go and lock my apt first though cos the fumes have also made me paranoid.
then the highlight of the annoying part is i get a lecture from the super’s wife about how they are now officially on holiday for christmas which means they sit fat in the apartment below us not answering their door while people stack boxes of chocolates at the foot of it and run away, the same woman who has asked me if i even lived here while i was doing laundry once not too long ago, the same one who has a cat who looks exactly like cid whom i have protected her face from near-mauling on numerous occasions, the same woman who accompanies maintenance workers when they come to fix things, coos at cid, refuses to listen to my warnings about him, ugh, moreover she is lecturing ME about the sign that they didn’t put up to inform ME that they were on holiday meanwhile the entire floor reeks like a urethane plant THEN her husband (super) shows up behind me oh wait i didn’t even get to tell you that i was trying to tell her that all i wanted was for the dude to go upstairs to help open the door and she says well isn’t there a man up there right now to help you?
!!!!
i say no my bf isn’t home at the moment but anyway the door is frozen shut i tried to help him open it but i am not strong enough (maybe if he fed the animals like me on a regular basis or took pictures of shit on his balcony that wouldn’t have happened) and the guy is waiting up there for the super, she says the super is already dealing with something on another floor (the actual cause of the urethane smell, a woman varnished her floors two floors above us!) ok so you’re “on holiday” (i know this now from your rude and pointless lecture) yet your husband is “dealing” with “something” upstairs? also it was basically like OH someone else needs help ok we can help them then.
ok so he appears behind me we get in the elevator together, awkwardly, i say ok the smell is all over our floor, that guy’s door is frozen, help him.
thank you.
WHY
DO
I
GET
THIS
BULLSHIT
TREATMENT
WHEN
I
DO
A
FAVOUR
FOR
SOMEBODY
ELSE?
why do retarded people exist and exclusively live in this building? why do i care if you are or aren’t on holiday? why do you care if i feed a squirrel and write a rule about it in a notice? why is it so blatantly obvious that everyone in this fucking building hates my guts why do i want to buy fart bombs and leave one on every fucking floor right now?
THANK YOU FOR RUINING LAUNDRY DAY AND BATH DAY!
also steve you forgot your phone here i am going to take it apart into a million pieces because it keeps on buzzing yes i keep opening it and closing it but still it buzzes, did you not notify the universe of your intelligence of going on a toronto trip and leaving your phone at your friend’s place and they will have to wait a few days til you get it back to call you?
