guess what i joined a gym today and this is what i’m going to look like so you better get used to it here start now!
ew.
i told the trainer i want to look like madonna in the hung up video.
dude said basically we have to work our asses off to look like that as we are already skinny and toned weaklings, 90% of it is diet (groan) 10% is working out (cardio, strength training) so whatever madonna was doing to achieve that sick bod during the dancefloor confessions tour i NEED to know cos the only way i know how to look like this is by losing my fucking mind again (weed, mania, no thank you) i also promised myself one nite wasted in bed (when fil was already passed out) watching the confessions concert on tv that i would get that body. you can do it by just starving yourself away but then you can’t defend yourself in a fight or do anything active ever, you’re basically completely useless and old looking OR you can get off your ass and get in shape and look younger also maybe become a showgirl, who knows, you know? i have the best epiphanies wasted in bed, like exclusive intelligence, an infomercial could change my stupid life at 2 in the morning.
and now i have a date with everybody loves raymond, some sake, then big brother.
ps. the work out stripper was there again today (britt saw her tuesday as well) and i was THIS CLOSE to asking her if she wanted me to spot her. oh man so glad i didn’t now. thank god. can you imagine how awkward every gym experience following that would be if she said no? it would be like seinfeld, so costanza, FUCK THAT THERE IS NO WAY I AM JOINING THIS GYM.
seriously when am i going to crap what is wrong with me it’s been since saturday. probably the lack of carbs i feel like, ugh fuck, it is basically ALL i can think about or talk about like that constipation commercial, so true. i thought today for sure would have been the day, hangover crap style but i think sleeping in then working out cut it off, psychosomatic-like. shit goes down at the precise time here on the regular and if i leave the house before that time i’m SOL til the next day.
here’s what ‘waywardson’ a regular commenter on my flickr photos has to say about the above picture of me wow, a wonderful Portrai of a wonderful Lady, wish you an great Day
oh and while on the egotistical express here’s another loved-up message:
I have been reading your blog all day and must say it has never looked so good and I really hope you never stop blogging, your blog is like a much needed island vacation, minus the sunburn, the sand penis in your togs and the dissapointing customer service. Congratulations on your win in the weblog awards, it is well deserved and I hope you enter again this year. I really think the new layout has made your overall brand much more polished without the pretentious bullshit dialogue that normally accompanies such “hipster” looking blogs. You are so awesome, never doubt it, you are the real deal. Always been a fan, always will.
sharing a giggle over someone’s little (loud comical) tumble over a bike last nite no time for details.
i am gargantuan beside britt, i’m like two people, gladiator amazon.
i wish (no i don’t) they all could be california girls.
noah (lead singer of hhead remember them!?) was wondering why i was such a popular blogger. britt scoffed THAT’S WHY! ha.
that’s noah now sans grunge hair. funny ass dude.
oh wendi.
after my cray cray appointment yesterday i met up with fil to walk him and my bike home, so irritating getting over to yonge that time of day i want to murder everyone a fucking ttc BUS tried to outrun me even though i was going along just fine ahead i yielded you stupid bitch but nooooo has to show off to the world they can outrun some chick on a bicycle, cool story winner. almost had some blood on your hands there shitface. anyway point being, einstein pub’s wings are really good.
now i have to work out with a personal trainer and let him smell my amazing aroma of booze sweat fumes (not even gonna shower) and then play coy when he tries to sign me up to the gym. yesterday someone called from the fitness club and was like I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU on my voicemail so creepy. after that hopefully i can sneak in a hair appointment with rose to touch up some dark patches and maybe add more light blond.
this morning my hangover and i were gifted to the sweet melody of fire alarm testing at 8am and it’s still going strong what the shit guys i think they work, relax. on top of that air show practice, fighter jet sonic booms blasting overhead great for the ole anxiety.
also hopefully i can convince shoppers to take back some liquid concealer i bought in a shade too dark, it was the same number as a shade i’ve been using only i didn’t notice the HONEY nude, mine is LIGHT nude and i’ve also been mixing it with an even lighter shade cos the first one i bought was even too dark. switching styles of makeup in the beginning stages is a super hassle. crossing fingers they’ll do it and use the open one as a tester for trade.
it’s true. i even took down some notes last nite just to expose this disgusting horrendous affront to my fellow bitches on the ole blog today. i know, it’s because i care. you don’t have to thank me all at once.
anyway, fil ripped one and i felt it big time from the other side of the couch and i was like wow that was mega extreme and he goes well it’s supposed to be cos i’m a man. oh really now? so are my farts supposed to be whimsical little music notes cos i’m a chick? who decided men are supposed to blast roofs off and women aren’t? how long have we been suppressing our solid ass explosions for (YEARS) because we aren’t supposed to do that and because we are “ladies” holy stupid taboo. we have the same parts (save for genitals) yet biologically, apparently ours don’t work like yours (dudes) do?
enough already, i’m sick of this same old tired charade, pretending to be all demure and polite because that’s how nana does it. for a woman to even conceive of farting it’s just “not allowed.” here’s another thing fil said, “i feel like i’m hanging out with a gross boy” after i let one fly ok fine yeah fil isn’t a sexist pig but i get where he’s coming from, it’s ingrained in all of us to see it this way. i dunno why but it’s just extra disgusting when a woman farts. like a clown crying. one extreme to another etcetera.
my mother kept hers to herself throughout my parents’ entire marriage together no wonder she was so fucking wound up (she let them go in front of me though and once in awhile accidentally in front of my brother then denied it like crazy) and whatever OOOH NO DON’T EVEN WRITE ABOUT ME FARTING get over it. mom guy, you fart. unless there is something physically wrong with you, you DON’T. so stop pretending this is breakfast at tiffany’s i totally just heard you blast a hole through the wall when you were folding laundry there nice try.
i am also sick of farting in front of friends and them having the nerve to act like i didn’t just eek one out (ps mine don’t smell they’re just wicked loud like, shockingly) HELLO yes that earth shattering deep baritone eruption was me don’t all of a sudden get busy with that napkin in your hands i KNOW you heard that. this is especially annoying with new friends too. everyone’s pretending to have manners. BORING.
when fil and i started dating i was the first one to fart (massively) which set the tone (haha GET IT!) opening the fart floodgates but before that he endured a fartless 7 year relationship can you believe it? not possible. i think i tried that with my first boyfriend, attempting to silence huge rippers that take like ten minutes (longest minutes of your life) to get out, so uncomfortable on multiple levels. dude KNOWS you’re farting, you’re not invisible, the expression on your face shows it all, your one word responses all of a sudden, yeah, so farting. you end up torturing that person with your inability to just let it out freely you fucking control nazi way to go.
ok i’m done i just wanted to point out that sexism is STILL and likely always will be hugely present in terms of women farting, it’s super annoying (especially when some fat disgusting slob opens his mouth about it) and i wish would just go away.
it just pisses me off listening to my brother and dad cut them like crazy then it’s my turn and they are like straight up EW about it. you guys are grossing me out over here and have the audacity to be offended by my one little addition to the party. total hypocrites.
also i will lose my mind if i don’t crap today.
oh and check out the banner i made for alicia! ms paint SKILLS!
once i discovered this flamboro downs vision of a hat i wore it the rest of the weekend.
first and only sigh in this post take it in.
what’s up?
not much who’s your friend?
get out much 1981?
MARTHA WUZ HERE!
barf.
barf.
total barf. just kidding you guys i took 50 pictures of this little pocket. wait til i reveal it bathed in sunbeams get ready to DIE.
hey.
thank you for cutting my head off asshole.
hmm actually maybe it was for the best.
barf.
yes it was pretty (refreshingly)(oh relax big mouth) quiet without brosz7 around. we were getting his drunk updates over the wire from another cottage he was at.
barf.
super barf. ok that joke is old now i’ll stop.
DEEP.
sage is the best. most funny when she jumps over the canoe all sloppy to get in the water and the canoe wobble knocks around all against the dock.
wiley has a thousand different faces. i mean, that’s what i hear anyway.
coming to you on a christmas card very soon.
looks a little gross eh. kinda scant on the condiments for dressing. this is trout. tastes exactly like salmon. maybe the geniuses at the supermarket fucked it up?
a new addition.
rifle o’clock it’s hunting time!
more like fire o’clock guys what’s wrong with me what’s with the commentary over here right now i feel like i’m hosting a game show no one watches. i’ll just run with it.
oh you again thought i’d see you around here.
trend setter!
i am into that money style printed dishware, you know what i’m saying? me either. the important thing though is at least i know how i feel.
this sort of grossed me out and made me laugh. success.
something having to do with that eyeball lookin’ at me no matter where i am in the room also maybe the rockstar vodkas ten thousand of ‘em and all the candy.
time to get wacky.
now that is gross. wiley bit at his belly and legs all weekend long, mosquito bites, he’s all raw and red, gives you full body goosebumps just watching it go down.
sage the martyr.
oh man i just realised halloween is just around the corner.
why are guys’ heads so giant? rhetorical don’t answer that!
you totally forgot you ate asparagus then are gifted with a blatant reminder an hour later in the john. sick.
ha ha wiley.
not gonna sigh.
ok sure i’ll have one of these.
then i had two new friends.
ha ha sage so manipulative.
HAHAHHA
showin’ off the epitome of trashed out hair pulled through without a ponytail holder. fil claimed he and steve used to wear their long hair like that all the time.
EWWWWWWWWWWW!
fil is super lucky we never met back then even though i’d have been 13 omg do you guys think i’d have a chance?
i snagged that lure on a rock on my first cast SORRY DAVE!
well maybe it was my second cast. either way it still sucked. after that dave gave me a shitty worm floater.
feelin’ this look pretty bad.
then the sky got really black, couldn’t capture it very good on my camera.
sorry!
hahaha sexy. we didn’t catch anything.
i love that little pilgrim house across the water.
these SO are good and fruity. the box doesn’t lie!
guys lets watch snl!
fancy.
ok this was long here’s a video goodnite.
this weekend i felt like i ate like a total pig, so much candy and chips and was not looking forward to weighing myself when we got home. shocked to see no change. maybe it was the trout? anyway who cares. had a great workout with britt yesterday at her gym, going again thursday for a consultation with a trainer. i might join the gym, seems pretty cheap. oh and there was a stripper with huge fake tits working out in the weight room with us, very entertaining.
this thing is so obviously a wig wonder how people we passed felt about it.
this post is just all of the drive up haha tricked ya.
FASCINATING.
how many are sentimental over these blasted out rocks? everyone? thank you.
if you need me i’ll be sighing til i faint.
hair braid in prep for opening the windows.
look my ear zzz.
the next post will suck less. promise.
finally some action!
why am i the only one who cares about fireworks and enhancing everyone’s overall experience? hello i’m talking here why did you just drive past that place why didn’t you stop omg i know you can hear me!
great for a visit. i have no idea how you deal all year round i really don’t. felt like a fucking celebrity walking in to the IGA.
just a few tardos to start this thing off. gotta hit the road pretty soon. haha cat show.
no one informed me it was their intention to hit ribfest. thanks guys now i have fatty ribs and this disgusting thing in me.
the wind and ominous clouds were freaking me out a little in the beer garden but the rain held off pretty good so once we were adequately lubricated we hit the rides.
along the way two girls stopped leslie and i and asked if we’d bought any tickets yet i was all duh doye um well we’re planning on it, not getting that they were going to give us their all day ride wristbands. solid!
the only ride we got the boys on and they pointed out the hydraulics and mechanics of it the entire time here shut up drink this flask.
we also went on that mars spinning thing. bad idea i almost barfed. the kid stopped the ride sooner on account of me turning green (we think) i covered my face the whole way through and shut my eyes.
look i’m the first one off this thing!
when the wall slides up from the centrifugal force all of my hair slid into the side panel too and that freaked me out. when i was a teenager i loved this ride cos you can lay in these inappropriate poses and stick like that the whole time in the hopes the dude in the middle notices. teenage chicks are such sluts man!
i won leslie a big prize and by won i mean matt paid for all of our rounds and between the two of us i got it done. the announcer guy was awesome, totally baked.
this video pretty much sums up fil and i’s entire existence together:
this one too. i know he’s taking a video, well at first i don’t but then i do and then i pretend (terribly) not to know and then i ruin it at the end as usual ha.
