February 4, 2015
Yo!
How’s it goooooooooing?
Me? Good, bad, ugly. Same old.
When you are the curator of a blog, it’s like running a colouring book. I mean, I spread myself around the webs a lot all day all night and comment all over the place, leaving zingers and slinging mud left right center, time well spent. Sometimes after a bender I’ll go back to jezebel and have all these notifications for all this crazy shit I said and feel super proud of wasting the entire fucking day prior being obnoxious to feminists – it’s called community building and outreach. I have been reading that site for years and years, I don’t really see much difference between the two of us. I mean, doesn’t everybody think they are right all the time on the internet, isn’t that why we are all here?
Anyway, if I had a jezebel site that I could easily just have based on all the online sleuthing I do, mine wouldn’t be wild click grabbing insanity with news slants intended to make a flame war in each comment thread.
I think my big mouth alone causes that organically and naturally to occur. Like when I expressed my feelings on bachelor parties when the hangover came out, boy that was a good one. Check it out all the original comments are there too still.
And I looked like that. I do not feel the same way I felt back then. So much insecurity wrote that blog post and other things I am too nice to mention.
Everyone seems to be killing time on Facebook these days all with their wrong opinions about stuff I know more about it feels close to time to be Perez fucking Hilton.
As smart as I am, I am well-obsessed with really stupid things like celebrities, celebrities with addictions, viral internet things, any of the previous with sex involved, musicians, musician’s beefs with other musicians and of course trying to get the attention of all of the above.
I think I just described everyone else on the planent just now.
When I worked in an office we would hunt through buzzfeed and be like, did you do that mermaid quiz yet? Okay well after that you have to do the which is your favourite pickle quiz and then read the latest update on the missing Malaysian flight plus there’s leaked nudes of blabbity blahh and so on.
Sometimes I get so entrenched in this garbage I lose all energy and won’t produce shit that day. My mind expands though, and I “know” “everything” and like with blogging many years ago, which justified all the partying and reckless behaviour I engaged in I always, always wrote as well as blogged because I felt that it made good with the bad. I preached to my friends that if I was wasting my youth I was going to at least account for and profit by it. SO now, if I insist upon online benders then I have to balance it out and give back.
Who knows, people might actually like it.
I don’t think you can write about yourself forever. Well you can but how many mirror selfies and pondering about the future blog posts, I’m sorry I know that is not interesting period. It’s plateau. It’s the very boring middle part of the movie and you are getting fungry.
Okay well I can give you some juice I suppose and make my next post an internet round-up, hope it isn’t a slow news day.
As you know I was dating a Dutch guy, back and forth for a bit I lived in Holland and he lived here. A lot have expressed interest in knowing how that one tanked.
We just let it die really and never officially broke up but it was clear it was over. A long distance relationship is crazy to inflict upon yourself but that we did. The alone parts are spent drinking. then when you date someone who lives in the same country near your street it’s like being in a porno afterward, so much contact.
The final ending phase chapter though is, as he was going to visit me for my champagne birthday (31 on the 31st, I am special) he and a bro did a pleasure trip to Brazil and drive the Florida Keys (during spring break no less, oh of course you’re gonna chase chicks) and suffice to say the guy was a big traveler I will give him that but when you’re in a long distance relationship your only traveling is suppose to be for the other person. Or that is MY selfish expectation about it!
He alleged that it was a cheap holiday (lied, was more like 4 grand) and was also not going to be in much communication with me. I found out at work on whatsapp and started shaking and crying and trying to keep it together then we had a routine phone conversation in the bathroom where I cried and hissed some more.
I was working 9-5 mon-fri and pining for this fucking guy, being a loner in my room and holding a torch when really I should have just moved on then.
So I decided to go to New Orleans and visit Leslie. By the second night I had driven her crazy because I was trying to get in contact with him he didn’t want to “sponsor” the phone company by checking in with me all the time which made me more irate. My plane ticket was last minute and expensive, my phone bill was like 800 bucks on top of this but it didn’t matter I included the phone bill as part of vacation expenses. Anyway, Leslie and I went out on Bourbon st (ate alligator) had no fun but tried (sorry Leslie!) I mean, we usually drink the first night then she’s over it and I am all wild give me more (despite complete exhaustion) and going bananas getting no Dutch love going crazy thinking about him being the star of that spring breakers movie and then screaming into the phone when we finally made a skype call happen then it cut out for a day.
So then Leslie and I went to a hipster pizza parlor and I saw this smoking hot guy who was totally my type and a bell went off in my head. I need to fuck this guy. I NEED to pick up this guy. This guy cannot leave here without having my number.
I begged Leslie to make it happen for me. I tried out all these pick up lines on her and she just laughed. I settled on waving three times at him (it was a sexy beckoning come on over wave) and he instincively just got up and walked right on over and I legit panicked because I had nothing prepared in my head to say! My mouth suddenly went dry and I said,
don’t I know you, don’t we know each other? You look really familiar…
…which brilliantly worked because he was a local celebrity and assumed everyone recognized him. EVERYONE is famous in New Orleans. Then Leslie saved my ass with some music-scene knowing shit, he gave me a card I think I asked for a card I always ask for a card because I think I’m in the wolf of wall street. Really it’s because I want to email you something ten times more hot than the crap coming out of my mouth IRL.
Sent him this pic taken the day before because he met me with my hair up and this was as hot as I looked at the time. I wanted to get him psyched about me.
So we get to sexting pretty obsessively. He said he was gonna “work out” which means “clean house” he also said “work” which turned into back and forth texting leading up to plans to meet that night why wait til tomorrow. Leslie made an I bet he’ll show you his rope joke. Ahh so hot. At the pizza place he had fallen for my anything to do around here line so we had made it like I was gonna bump into him the next day at some parade (?) but then all our horny correspondence degenerated into lets go to a show and drinks tonight and done.
I had a boyfriend and I did not fucking care because this is what happens when you piss me off long distance and I am pretty sure a don’t ask don’t tell policy was in-place, don’t ask don’t tell but highly suspect.
Also turns out pizza parlor guy was a shag of a friend of Leslie’s so drama was definitely going to go down if I went forward (and it did cos that woman saw us out together the next night) but fuck it, I am a tourist and I am here to taste the town. It was my third time in New Orleans and time to taste local meat. Ew gross sorry for dirty talk hahaa I do have some better material (for another time). I did go back again for Easter and I saw the Dutch guy in-between. Still don’t care. Then around May I joined tinder and that’s how I moved forward and my crush pining for New Orleans guy had to also die. All my friends were like well at least it’s closer than Holland this time Lauren haha fuck you.
This guy is like a Raymi the Minx out there, okay maybe more, some “famous” chef sent us over drinks that’s the kind of guy he was.
These drinks.
Leslie said that’s how you get over guys, you turn the fucking page.
If you want to see all the pictures from that trip click this.
So the next day I was super duper hungover but wanted to see him again, we went to see a band that night. Leslie was like he’s going to know all this music shit and cool stuff and it will all be wasted on you. I mean I did listen to him and he did have that magical quality and knows blues legends and music greats. He’s the reason why I like Sam Cooke so thanks for that.
I went back for a bunny crawl a month later. That was a good weekend. I missed my flight and had to stay another day which was nice but also like okay time to go bro. Waking up so early to get out of town was hell and I almost didn’t get a connecting flight but this flight agent or whatever could see how bug-eyed desperate I was to get out of Chicago she slipped me ahead of a couple which split them up and I felt awful but didn’t chime in and offer my seat why stop being evil now right?
They were a couple with their shit together while I was New Orleans hung, alone and shaking from fatigue. Arran was like you are going to have fun waiting and running through airports I bet your knees will buckle ahh cringe.
Anyway, that’s story time for today. BYE!
February 3, 2015
Hey bae, I got all these ideas man lets discuss!
Idea 1: Raymi the minx APP. Lets take my blog which I sporadically write on and throw it into your phone, put all this work and effort into it so you can see like one extra picture I would have instagrammed anyway? I am nowhere successful or famous enough to warrant an APP. Maybe if I was on speed (coffee) and churning out one-liners like crazy (could do) around the clock and my APP just blasts those out to you or I dunno, some kind of insane and fun Raymi the Minx APP with exclusive content pop culture musings that I of course would write. That was an “idea” put on the shelf like a year ago. RAYMITHEMINX APP could have like one crazy useful viral feature like a daily thing to doodle or puzzle to solve…
THEN I wanted to audition for Dragon’s Den because those auditions are happening this month in Toronto. Knowing I would be destroyed and laughed at, plus insulted (nothing new there) the object is to get the 15 minutes of exposure. All I have to do is write an epic pitch with my hallmark blend of drink my koolaid Raymisms and motivational statements regarding my staying power, blabbity blah but I will slack on this wish, miss the audition date and just not do it. I do have a lot of compelling arguments and I am a very good debater. Then I was like, I could just take my me-investment speech to other venture capitalists yet those guys (D’s Den) already have a pretty organized system in place just do it and go to them. I have a special little anecdote about bartending the 18th hole of the VIP tent at the Canadian Open and one of the sections belonged to one of the Dragon’s Den’s guy, I was planning to appeal to the emotional side of shit and being like, I watched you off and on for four days looking all rich as fuck and I was completely invisible to you, then I’d go off on a tangent like a hard done by artist and try to manipulate something out of that experience which I would only write about more in length if I actually went ahead with this. I picture the redheaded women gasping and then siding with me and then we would fly away together on a unicorn to my new expensive condo they bought for me hahaha.
Anyway, just sharing some hairbrained schemes cos you love it.
If I am about to be on tv/web again doing silly things should I feel silly about posting a webcam video of me dancing in my bedroom? If It’s okay to do that and enough vomments come in supporting this then I will gladly share some Raymaerobics and was actually thinking about showing you guys how I do my work out and how I got chiseled and more cut in just two weeks. Your diet is important in reduction of course. I’ve lost 8 pounds. Well it varies from scale to scale as long as I remember what my before weight was before. I do a run on the spot for 1-2 minutes a few times in a row. Lots of free weights moves. Does anybody even care are you listening? If ths is boring tell me I will totally be able to talk about other shit pertaining to me that you wanna know. Except for what you wanna know I don’t wanna discuss that yet actually back off nevermind ahahha.
Okay back to my mega ideas!
Art photography installation entitled WALK OF SHAME comprised of images you have taken on your walk of shame home but to everyone else it’s just a nice garden or fence weird street urban setting thing but you sleep around a lot and you have a lot of city shots and then you make a whole exhibition about it. Yeah thank god for flickr I am going to rip off my own idea and do this.
I am replaying my screen test in my mind and all the funny shit I said to get a reaction knowing it would be used on tape and it was vey Sarah Silverman roasty in nature, epicly offensive and you can get away with it because it’s spoken word it is all out there and opinionated not written down on a blog that can turn into pages of flame war. Anyway, this is just me opening to a memory of something funny I said once that you didn’t hear about yet.
They also made me sing because I said I could sing so I sang and nailed it they were like, woah, you can sing. Then after I said my hugely offensive funny anecdote about boylord I excused myself by saying I was also a comedian (because I did stand-up a few times but also I feel like I write and live comedy every day) so they put me on the spot again and said okay tell us some jokes.
I blanked.
I remembered two jokes.
My one about shaving your pussy and the other one about spiders being scary that no one laughs at.
I was naked for this entire experience by the way. THAT is why I am getting into shape and I am 100% deleting this sentence when my mom finds out. I am hiding a gigantic secret out in the open now I feel like I am sitting on a fucking volcano. I have to move in a month too. If we could do an oculus rift from what the inside of my mind looks like right now you would BARF from the ups and downs but probably masturbate furiously to a lot of sequences ahaha.
Okay I am gonna leave you with that, y’all enjoy now Raymi out.
January 29, 2015
Hi it’s me again having a good day? The sky is raining snow at mach ten right now. I just heard a multitude of ducks quacking like bananas down on the water while I let Rocky chew on the dry dead grass plant that has been his bff since autumn/all season long and it’s thirsty throwback Thursday holla!
I googled “ooh ooh jock .gif” to get that one. I was hoping to somehow find a particular gif (with noise like that is even real haha you are dreaming) of when you go, “ooh ooh” but not sex ooh ooh ugh nevermind!!!! I will just have to record it sometime never.
I did laundry and could not resist trying these on all folded crisp and tiny like. I was glum yesterday and told myself once I shower do my hair paint my face you will get into these tiny fucking shorts and take ass selfies to cheer yourself up.
Haha diaperish. I was bigger when I got these while in Aruba. I went to Aruba twice in my life, the first time as a beanpole the second time MEGA JUICY.
I am not eating or sleeping right now so I am looking hella tired and not eating affects my over all well being mentally, but I just don’t have an appetite which happens when I am consumed by stress. I was born looking hella tired. Actually one day last week I actually looked good I think. I don’t think I will ever accept or embrace the french girl dark under eye shadow. I read an awful comment about me the other day that was half totally untrue and extremely extremely bashing of my looks. That’s why I cringe when people attack what’s her face from Sex and the City, SJP. “Horseface”?? How dare you. Not true. Sure it blew my mind with mystery when I saw her in that Vegas movie many years ago and truly gave me hope because of her fucked up nose because I have a fucked up nose but guess what!? Fucked up nosese are nice, people! That Chelsea chick from Brooklyn 99 has one too. I knew a girl who had a crazy nose back when I was in Brooklyn who reminds me of Brooklyn 99 chick and she made me seethingly jealous because when I came onto the scene this particular big nosed chick became extra nice to my older boyfriend whom she had fucked a month or so before me so in girl older woman world, she owned him more. Anyway, anyway, hella big nose love over here and if you have a fucked up nose you are totally welcome here too. You would not even believe the extremely racist nickname my Uncle had in highschool because of his nose. I am more concerned with under eye bags than noses though. Your nose and ears keep growing as you age so we are all fucked anyway.
End of nose rant.
I bought this blue shirt on Sunday. The beige cardi is a more expensive version of a cardigan I already own but is kinda dingey now. People always repeat buy the same things for years and years.
Sorry for being a downer. Exercising and socialization always helps. I remember when I never exercised and always complained on my blog about how fat I was but did nothing about it. Some people never get it and never learn. You have ot take charge of your shit.
My throwback contribution. I was thinking I liked how I looked and I was proud of it but I can’t show my nipples here it’s just too much too improper to people who think they’re super fucking proper but no matter what I’ll get slagged for daring to be narcissistic. It’s not about being nude it’s about being preened and proud that makes people irate. I can picture several women I knew in irl, one in particular actually who was always a mega hater of me, super bitchy to all women in fact and is notorious for how nasty she was to other women and she was always super passive aggressive toward me. She obsessively read my blog too. God my blood is boiling now thinking about all of this and I bet hers sure as shit is. I bet she would fight me in a cage she hates me so goddamn much God it’s great to let this all out. Why should I be afraid to? I don’t know. You don’t know which person I’m talking about so whatever I am dead to that entire circle anyway once I split with my ex. Poof.
I was younger than all those guys anyway too and I know I am “not young” now, but I’m still younger so I can still post bedroom selfies because it’s my bedroom and not a succession of men’s bedrooms. Also I will be moving soon. News bomb. I will miss my room and my epic view of the lake from it. Time to slowly make my move back toward Toronto.
New buddy!
Had all you can eat and was stuffed after the first round we ordered. Bf got a new job, we will be seeing less of each other which is likely the key to bumming me out. Well it’s part of it.
Never a dull moment which is likely the problem!
Spiritually and habitually yours, RLW.
January 28, 2015
Happy Wednesday! The sun is shining bright and burning in my eyes, it’s pretty alright better than grey skies where the entire world feels encased in smog, ash, winter clouds with floating Eeyore’s. With a name like that how can you be anything but depressed? Speaking of which, it’s mental illness awareness day #bellletstalk which has always been kind of black comedy to this guy – thanks for inventing a depressing theme day during such a depressing month. I guess if it was during the summer no one would care because sunshine. And wow what a depressing caption for an amazing photo of these two ladies (hi Casie!) and I whoops!
Lauren threw a housewarming jam with her bf and got all us kids back together for a reunion, well for me it was a reunion because I never go anywhere or see people but it was a sweet time and can’t believe it is such old news already c’est la vie!
I cannot even believe that I have not blogged this photo I milked the hell out of as a facebook profile last week or so. All these social platforms and instagram selfies my mind is getting too old and cluttered to efficiently process, like a robot breaking down on the assembly line.
Unless I am having a stroke in which case I have blogged these before. Glad we could sort this out so openly together.
Dieting kind of makes you mental. You really have to have a good back swing for every thought that goes through your mind which usually tends to center around seeking comfort in forms of eating or drinking. I kind of started drinking again, not a lot, but just kind of threw in the towel in exasperation and because I had dried out I notice the difference in happiness factor like night and day from drinking and not drinking. I am starting to stress myself more and more because I have a clock on me with this getting fit thing I’m doing so basically dieting is a headfuck, not drinking and/or drinking is a headfuck – combine the two and you’re one fine blended walking emotional disaster case who is most definitely p-m-essing too oh great so there you have it, the fine use of blogging at its, well, finest.
It was a super fun time. I think I get sad when I don’t have enough fun. But adults are not allowed to have fun because life is not about fun all the time which I disagree with so I feel constantly at odds. If your blog is about fun and you’re not actually having fun then you are pretty much fucked til it’s funtown again I don’t make the rules I just kind of abide by them.
I bought this postcard because I know a girl who has an instagram account with this name she’s friends with my friends blah blah. She died last week. Super sad. It’s kind of a wake up call, for some of us our lives are shorter on this earth so we should probably just live our lives exactly as we like and not be afraid of haters, who come in all shapes and forms. I am probably my own biggest hater and you are yours. I’d rather be my own champion. I’m trying. RIP Meg. You were full of so much light.
I’m as sensitive as a flea. A glass of pop (killer band name fyi) can really lift me up and is considered a treat to most, a cheaty treat and sometimes necessary. Sorry but I must tweet that I am enjoying a full sugar beverage right now the world must know.
I had two nightmares that I awoke from this morning, the second one I just didn’t bother trying to get back to sleep so I have been awake for awhile. So tired. Going to pump some iron and Raymi aerobics after I blob.
Ha thank you Jules.
Time to dye my cousin it hair again soon.
Lots of hatitude lately.
I finally used this bag. I likey.
Well, I see this post as going nowhere so I’ll wrap it up and get to other things now. Have a chill Wednesday.
January 27, 2015
Hey guys!
Sorry but yesterday I just “couldn’t even” and today I kinda feel the same but that’s fine because I bet a lot of people can’t even with my blog somedays anyway.
(I came up with that joke in the kitchen a billion hours ago).
I always feel like sharing negative news with the world is damaging because it bums people out, literally, twitter followers reduce because THEY CANNOT DEAL #feelings.
Which sucks for the sufferer because there is no outlet, no relief gasket, or pea trap (you like that one?) but if you let it out you just feel even worse because there it is staring you in the face.
Although I do enjoy getting sympathy greedily from others no matter how much it makes me look like a baby, well, I do not like that. I like to look about 20 years old tbh.
Speaking of, hi mtv kids it’s like 3 years since I was on that broadcast of Creeps and I look like this now.
Jk obvi. is that mean? Can you be mean anymore? If it’s just pretend for like 2 seconds (for forever on the internet).
A fullblown cougar is what I actually look like that’s right watch out.
FUCK I wrote all this before my blog got wiped out (host, server, something) and then I really almost lost it there so I am going to just hit publish now and go eat lunch before I have a meltdown with my new lady friend who lives in Burlington and has for all this time, local people for the win!
