oh hi there just a quickie to say hi and i’ll be right back. going through two day’s worth of photos. i feel as though i never have time to myself and i’m always saying that or insinuating it to whomever and they’re like um i see you like never. everyone is just melding into one person to me these days so i’m all oh, right, well, sorry. i still won’t sleep with you though. ha ha ha ha err…
bought some amazing honey with comb in it. can you consume the wax part? it’s totally wax. kinda interesting kinda ew what is this in my mouth?
my period is taking forever. it’s so strange, i guess it’s my iud and i am so sick of talking about it. mostly i just hate my body right now because of it and i’m just waiting to be all flushed out and skinny as a whip again. if i’m not body happy then i’m nothing happy. i weighed myself at my dad’s, huge mistake.
i have to work in these dance heels and see if i can conceivably dance in them. i wish i could just wear my wedge mary janes but chesty hates them. i can black out dance in them no problem.
putting band-aids on my feet the second i hit publish and going to dry my laundry wearing these and thermal pants. hot look. very parkdale. the men in the store on rocessvailles were all up in my space and i’m like look dudes i need to try out some moves so step back. then i did some kicks and twirls and steps and crap i’m pretty sure they thought i was a stripper.
clem’s birthday gongfest. he needs to work on his aim. i think he does it on purpose actually, everyone just gets covered in sticky booze.
rob and i got ripped last nite, respectively so. no hangover. we had a dance and tunes party. the guy lives right around the corner. we barfly together when we can. building a community of sorts in the hood. finally met al his good friend who lives right across the street from us (email me!) and who also knows everybody in parkdale.
why won’t facebook let me change my bloody profile picture? i’m pretty irritable today, everything’s fine, i tidied up, sorted out some stuff, whatever happy enough doin’ my thing and then that little hiccup put me over the edge. stupid.
sliced up some strawberries, will put honey over them and bananas and special k five grain whatever cereal and yogurt. i like omega 3 better but it’s good for a change. if i eat the same thing everyday i get depressed. speaking of, i am so eating my feelings lately. i am a machine. i guess if you want to consume all the time you’re filling some void or another, trying to, that, or metabolism is out of control.
i bike i burlesque i walk i bartend and serve i am always moving and i have at least 3 caffeinated beverages daily. typically more. i smoke weed so there’s those munchies.
yesterday i drank my easy milkshake in a minute and the thing was about the size of a movie theatre pop and i got them to put espresso in it. i have before and after pictures of course. i chose grilled tomatoes and poached eggs to balance it out lightly. i find the more strange the meal, the more fulfilled i am and the more fulfilled, the less needy, the less searching for satiation which is absolute bullshit cos i don’t think i’ll be done searching until i am dead.
here’s everything i put inside me yesterday:
coffee
massive milkshake
2 poached eggs
3 grilled tomatoes
some more coffee
rum ball
coffee
rum pineapple drink
polish tallboy
green tea
pound of wings
white wine/orange
1/3 bottle of red wine (would of had more if rob wasn’t such an irish beast)
olive cheese red pepper smoked salmon plate
ok that was boring sorry i’ll try not to do that all the time. essentially right now eating is my boyfriend, it’s what i think about a lot. i eat so many bananas i think i have to tone it down. it’s great for being regular and all but just now something painful happened so i better relax.
how do you like the parkdale no frills, a little bit of an experience that yeah? haha. harry’s diner is great though. i love me a good scene. old men drinking at like 2 in the afternoon. i’m none to judge as i periodically wake ‘n bake.
ok i’ll stop talking now byeeee.
i wore this shirt the last time i went there. i have a habit now of wearing certain shirts (outfits) months later to the same place. everyone for sure totally remembers.
ps. this weather is bullshit.
who IS coming to this business on sunday night? NOT LIKE IT’S IMPORTANT TO ME OR ANYTHING! $5 off if you say you’re with raymi aka lida hosen. Beauty School
the neighbourhood lawn mower boy here is fascinating. he is autistic. touched. super friendly, happy, optimistic. hard working. loves rocky (our cat). my dad and brother are good to him. he routinely does the lawn, hedges, snowblows the driveway in winter. comes back to blow the lawn cuttings away. good kid. his parents come to help out too. they do the entire street and must be raking it in. PUN TOWN. he is like 20 maybe older possibly. makes you wonder about those types, destined to be alone or maybe have an unrealistic amazing adventurous life like forrest gump? hopefully. he’s actually quite attractive too.
i ate like a pig yesterday. last day of such shitty indulgence until dance rehearsal this coming sunday MAY 16th at REVIVAL i better see all you lunatics there afterward we get down and revival becomes our own dancehall. super fun and hugely how i became a harlette, i feel. showed off my moves i did and it was kinda funny cos my ex’s good old pal was there and so was red flag and i could tell old pal was having moral struggle with whether he should engage with me or not meanwhile ex and i are cool enough and he is well-informed of all my mystical bullshit anyway here i am motown hustlin’ my hung ass off, it was just a funny scene and i really really wanted to burlesque dance with these girls. so i got in. you’ve been following all along anyway so you’ve seen the psychotic evolution and now you get a chance to witness and experience in real life too. say you’re raymi’s fan and you’ll get $5 off at the door.
either my life is bizarre or i am.
taught my dad what the term crush fucked means (super stoned/drunk combination thereof). funny he mentioned it on his own while we were dining at chap’s. i had the southern sweet potato poutine and jalapeno cheddar sausage smokies, and a coors light. he had the chicken and ribs special. gawked at our surroundings and the clientele while watching les habitants rip it up. lots of people give up in the suburbs BUT they at least interact with one another unlike isolating toronto.
i notice a difference in the coffee, i’m drinking maxwell house and buzzing like a fly around the house. at home we have organic. the chemical difference is well, stronger for sure. i already drink poison diet redbull often so maybe if i make a personal bean change i’ll become more productive, burn out quicker, sooner to bed and sooner to rise.
i am so glad i came out here i needed this mini-staycation and plan to do it every week.
please rain hold off at least until i get to work. it’s clem’s birthday. gonna be a right piss-up. told him i have no idea how we all have functioning livers.
ooh gotta go that’s baby you’re a rich man blasting on the stereo time to dance it out.
i love you sincerely, know this well.
wow shit i just ate two massive globs of wasabi on supermarket sushi that was an intense moment just there. damn it’s starting to rain. off to train. bike. shower. dance. work.
no not vain just, checkin’ out the grill, makin’ sure everything’s still in order.
this weekend deserves a love letter. a fond farewell and a fuck you. exhausting. satisfactory. stressful. lazy. delightful. packed and empty. i forgot my perfectly made blondie’s coffee in a cab on my way to little italy. i take pride in the amount of honey and milk i add to my americanos. when i finish drinking one i march right in to the next hipster coffee shop and ride that caffeine weed buzz coasting up and down all day long.
gonna dick around the burbs for a bit. commuting takes the energy right out of you but oh well not like i’m traveling there to run a marathon or anything. despite tomorrow’s stress in beating it back into the city for dance rehearsal then work (and clem’s birthday!) just knowing i’m leaving this concrete jungle is endorphin-releasing enough for me. i’m having living remotely fantasies again. oh boy.
I love Raymi, yes I do, she makes me feel happy, when I am prone to blue-
It’s already sounding corny, but corny’s not too bad
Cause Raymi’s kinda corny too – and Cute and Sweet and Rad
She tells it like it is, my friends, That’s what I like to hear. She’ll say what she is feeling, with a sneer, a smile, a tear… Her pictures crack me up a lot, and awe-inspiring clothes, —Her hair itself is famous now, her pretty eyes and nose…
ok that’s all i got
listen to that as loud as you possibly can. we were paralyzed by it saturday night on random. it takes you. i love that bass rumble, like something is about to happen then you realize that something is happening and it’s not what’s going to happen it’s that it’s happening. holy man i’ve been hanging around lots of hippies lately. new wave ones who indulge these goofy shitty deep things. writers. poets. artists. yeah life. yeah.
this song makes me think of you.
things i wrote down yesterday at mezzrow’s in my favourite booth by the frowning fish tank. 2010 is the year of hating yourself. well the rest is just gibberish and notes to self. we discussed sad things, my personal and absolute most favourite. it was a date. i have been on many but i think i am done with that for now. there’s been some toads. harsh title i fear. you get picky and then bitter. you humour them way too much. fuck there are so many prissy guys in toronto. divas. shit. i may as well date women.
last nite’s was kind of a breath of relief and of the catalogue of necessities and quality requirements in a man, high score. i’ll give him a pass. i’m very seinfeld i find. everyone starts out with 100% then progressively over the span of the evening their percentage grade drops, dips, rises, falls and so on until i have to decide whether i want to hang again or get down. dating suuucks. great for stories, great for alone time, but yeah. hunting. everything can be going along just fine then the guy says something purely stupid. judgmental. terrible. then beer goggles come right the fuck off and you are sort of devastated by the situation. like he’s so good looking, dresses nicely, but such a boring pompous pissing contest contestant. why why why? oh cool and now we’re going dutch? icing on the cake. no please do go on tell us about your work some more zzzz.
we listened to buckley and talked about new orleans. talked about the road, the actual one not the book, or film. a tour. a raymi tour what do you think about that? i’ll tell you the dates, the city, the venue. do you want to meet? i give good road. road head haha. i give good talk and i chronicle it all. i give good arm candy and spontaneity and story telling, lots of that last one. i give sentimental for moments that aren’t over yet like a motherfucker.
i am full of omega 3 granola and two pouches of oatmeal i am basically a wool sweater rainy sunday afternoon by a kitchen fire steamy lazy swollen sleep stung eyes early afternoon hug. i am a red scarf on the window ledge oh my god i am so on my period what a lesbian BYEEEEEE RUMMIES!
my period came so i’m likeable again. melodie just got hers too. lucas you are FUCKED now.
i heard recently that one girl said to a guy who has come onto my radar to, “watch out” about me and that “i might put him on my blog” and that this girl “knows me” oh no no no no no silly silly girl. you do not know me. this happens so frequently. you READ my blog, you don’t know shit and way to build it up for this brother. is it scarier to be included on my blog or left in the dust? a footnote. irrelevant. so they anticipate and fear it and then it doesn’t happen. no blog kiss. sayonara.
another new recent one is no i do not read your blog spanning to could live without it and so on. perfect. one i do not care and two, people start fighting when the battle’s already over. you lost son. people makin’ slags on their way out, so uncouth. sometimes things just don’t work out. feeling the need to insult me pointlessly fine, you wanna go there? cos i got me some mad opinions on your ish too but i am a lady, i have manners. i don’t play like that. no, homie definitely does not.
i inhaled 2 dollars worth of 7-11 candy and two cream cheese jalapeno taquitos. i introduced the band at the silver dollar and casie (HAPPY BIIIRTHDAY!!) and i danced the floor and tore it all up. quite a spectacle. very punk rockabilly. wish more people could cut loose. glad i was hung cos i drank very little and capped the eve off with a tall glass of water at the beav and called her a night.
i am SO happy to be de-bloated now and what’s awesome is i do cardio sit-ups, torso twists and a ton of tricep extensions for three day’s straight out of desperation so by the time the bloat goes away which is now a nice chiseled torso is revealed replete with some deeper tan lines from the other day’s afternoon vitamin D delight. i think they call that shit tings be lookin’ up now whattagwan me friends.
November 2 2009
Hey Raymi,
I don’t want to comment this, because its not meant to be a comment discussion – but I thought you should know that your writing of the shit you are going through as totally made me feel better/relief/normal (or less alone) about my own mess.
I am deep into a very similar situation myself – our relationship has spanned 9 yrs, we are not engaged, we have broken up before, and we own a house and many different kinds of debt. We actually have started to see a the rapist together, and within the first 10 minutes of our first meeting together, she flatly said ‘you two have outgrown each other’. I knew it all along but every time I think about hurting him and leaving him I feel sick and absolutely insane.
There is no point (in my mind) to continue seeing the rapist because I don’t think we have a future – but I continue to make appointments for myself thinking that she will be able to figure me out.
I go to sleep every night wishing that he would turn into some kind of horrible human being so that my family and friends would see my decision as ‘justified’ rather than just another mistake in an already shitty decade. How can I leave someone that hasn’t done anything wrong over the course of our relationship? – except for being entirely emotionally unavailable and cold, freezing cold.
I have not left him – i have nowhere to go, but I secretly pack a suitcase every weekend. Pathetic right?
Oh, I dont know if you are in Oakville or Burlington, or neither, but I am in Burlington – yay suburbs…
Also – this is not meant to come across as “hey, your shit should seem less shitty now because it is helping people with their own shit” Thats not it at all – Just thought you should know that I may or may not feel the same as you may or may not have felt and also you are mighty awesome.
Thanks for reading!
liz
“except for being entirely emotionally unavailable and cold, freezing cold.”
that IS huge
thats the invisible abuse, whether intentional or not, it is NOT a way to exist
we are humans built for loving and touching, why not remove an arm too?
you dont have a kid so you can leave
just do it
you need to
yes im in burlington
one hour ago, today’s date:
Thank you for this. 6 months ago you gave me some solid advice and validated what I was feeling. I got out of a relationship I had been trying to leave for 5 years and because of this I am a stronger, happier person that absolutely loves life. I have a lot of support from my friends and family, but I also need to thank you for doing what you do because it has impacted my life in such a positive way. So….. THANKS! You are completely awesome, keep doing what you are doing!
liz
now it’s time for a cuddle hangover date byeeeeeee.
you have no idea the amount of crazy what hits my inbox. what the fuuuuuck guy and this is the tame one from the pile of them coming in the last week. also, WHAT PART OF LEAVE ME ALONE DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?
Dear Lauren White
I visited a fortune teller, about ten years ago, he said that I was going to be a writer, and that I’d have to wait until I’m published before my family could find me.
It is absolutely true and no word of a lie. I understand that my affections are unwelcome. I cut off my resource of **** as an acceptible support of love. I’ve made a mess between us concerning all of these correspondences.
I wish for you to know that I want to forgive you for everything that you could ever do. And that I have the will to carry the voice that can give you your inspiration to live, laugh, and love. I don’t want to turn my heart into a hunk of stone because of all the failed relationships.
I’m starting a relationship with a girl named *******, and I need to distract myself from you. I understand my responsibility to my family and my health to avoid you until we’re both not fucked up. I’m taking a two year journalism course with the goal of a diploma, I’ve nearly finished my novel, and you are the only thing that has ever been on my mind since we met.
It is true lauren that all is fair in love and war, but if you take “war” away from that statement, all is really not fair with only love.
All you need is love, and I love you, truly
you are always welcome to contact me, and it would make me happier if you did,
had an interesting discussion today at lunch. was encouraged to drag out my personal shit here. the what am i willing to sacrifice for the integrity of this blog argument again? the behind the scenes stuff is the real good content, really. fine.
ok so get a load of this raymi tell all.
one, first thing. i am super lonely. i am a co-dependent person by nature well, i’m good alone for long periods of time until i’m not anymore. which would be now. so my heart is always constantly hunting. i have haircut blues and i’m premenstrual so i’m feeling uuuugly. yes it is annoying. yes i need an ass ton of attention. i felt super invisible sunday night at gayaoke (gay + karaoke) and rob told me not to be intolerant in the cab which shut me up and melodie was like yeah you were being intolerant. no i fucking wasn’t! a guy was so rude to us we let him know about it and left him sitting alone at his table. he felt awful about it so much so he paid rob $120 secretly to cover our booze and food. awesome you can be a prick to me anytime you want there guy.
i don’t exactly know how to talk about the extracurricular man activities i have going on for myself. there are always men of course. but i’m not intimate with them. all of them. whatever i’m “living my life” as a friend told me once about a mutual friend of ours who became single and was on a date-frenzy. thought that was positive.
so i’ve been a bit of a mess the past five weeks. i finally know what it feels like to be heartbroken. just desserts i suppose and now i am picky and kissing frogs here and there and just getting more and more bummed out about it.
i really want to get away for a bit. after our dance performance i’m going to take a bit of me time. spoke to dave yesterday and realised i really missed him. things got a little messy between us, we stopped talking. i may go visit him in pei. i want to go stay with the skids in toonder bay as well.
i went to watusi last nite with a diff guy which was funny for me personally and the waitress. she’s like you’re a regular here now. i’m like if this was the spoke club you’d be fired. men bring their mistresses and wives on separate nites. fact. you act like you’ve never seen them before when you serve them well you don’t mention the last time you saw them in case it fucks up a lie they told the wife. it was also funny that i was wearing the same outfit i wore there with britt. we got druuunk. then went to motel and chris (owner) and i invented a drink that is very much like a shirley temple. so i woke up today with a gratuitous sugar hangover. the drink’s components: triple sec chambord vodka gingerale soda very very good. when steph and i made shirley temple blacks we used grenadine. horrible horrible hangovers.
oh my god it is freezing i just turned my heater on come on hot little opium den warmth!
i am trying to decide what to wear tonite.
the omelet i had at poor john’s was a bit blah. we wanted to walk but the rain fucked that all up. felt a bit boring. mitzi’s was closed. i was really looking forward to our hanging out today but i think it has gone and made me more depressed. can’t tell. ultimately it was good though it’ll help me move on because it was just a normal ordinary hang out and our collective boringness took away some of your allure, thankfully.
every time i see my ex too i feel like shit afterward.
had a bunch of money saved and the weekend just took it all. nothing to show for it what the hell. still have to get dance shoes, anyone have a pair of dancing heels size 8 i can buy for super cheap otherwise i have to spend 150 on brand new capezios. our utilities here are so high it is brutal will have to dump a chunk of money down for that soon too.
my mother and i aren’t talking in time for mother’s day. i’ll send her some flowers.
today is poetry writin’ weather. so grey so gloomy so glum.
my hair looked so much better messy this morning than it does clean now.
i tried the french martini that watusi has just to appease the waitress. i always ask her what she reccommends and she says the same shit, french martini or mojito. i got the mojito and then sank on the french.
I always feel weird writing emails to people I have never met, especially on a personal level, but I guess you write letters daily to thousand of people you have never met so it won’t seem so strange. I think sometimes hearing from strangers can be nice too, because they have no obligation to tell you positive things, sometimes they just do. I think number one, on a totally aesthetic note, your hair looks beautiful, don’t have haircut blues! And you are never invisible I am sure, with your personality and looks I am sure you light up any room. On a more personal note, I am glad you sometimes open up and offer us a rare jewel of your vulnerability, it lets us know you aren’t invincible and that under your tough gal exterior there is someone just like us. I think you should not feel ashamed for feeling lonely, or feeling weird around your ex. That’s life. And your heartbreak isn’t karma, it was just someone who wasn’t right for you. I’m sure if you keep kissing toads you will find your prince. And DO keep kissing toads, you’re young, it’s fun!
Anyways, enough yammering.
Thanks for always giving me something to ponder and something fun to read, and I hope my words were not more of that unnecessary advice you seem to get alot of!
PS: If getting away is what you crave, PEI is definately the place (especially in the summer), it’s good for the soul!
