had an interesting discussion today at lunch. was encouraged to drag out my personal shit here. the what am i willing to sacrifice for the integrity of this blog argument again? the behind the scenes stuff is the real good content, really. fine.
ok so get a load of this raymi tell all.
one, first thing. i am super lonely. i am a co-dependent person by nature well, i’m good alone for long periods of time until i’m not anymore. which would be now. so my heart is always constantly hunting. i have haircut blues and i’m premenstrual so i’m feeling uuuugly. yes it is annoying. yes i need an ass ton of attention. i felt super invisible sunday night at gayaoke (gay + karaoke) and rob told me not to be intolerant in the cab which shut me up and melodie was like yeah you were being intolerant. no i fucking wasn’t! a guy was so rude to us we let him know about it and left him sitting alone at his table. he felt awful about it so much so he paid rob $120 secretly to cover our booze and food. awesome you can be a prick to me anytime you want there guy.
i don’t exactly know how to talk about the extracurricular man activities i have going on for myself. there are always men of course. but i’m not intimate with them. all of them. whatever i’m “living my life” as a friend told me once about a mutual friend of ours who became single and was on a date-frenzy. thought that was positive.
so i’ve been a bit of a mess the past five weeks. i finally know what it feels like to be heartbroken. just desserts i suppose and now i am picky and kissing frogs here and there and just getting more and more bummed out about it.
i really want to get away for a bit. after our dance performance i’m going to take a bit of me time. spoke to dave yesterday and realised i really missed him. things got a little messy between us, we stopped talking. i may go visit him in pei. i want to go stay with the skids in toonder bay as well.
i went to watusi last nite with a diff guy which was funny for me personally and the waitress. she’s like you’re a regular here now. i’m like if this was the spoke club you’d be fired. men bring their mistresses and wives on separate nites. fact. you act like you’ve never seen them before when you serve them well you don’t mention the last time you saw them in case it fucks up a lie they told the wife. it was also funny that i was wearing the same outfit i wore there with britt. we got druuunk. then went to motel and chris (owner) and i invented a drink that is very much like a shirley temple. so i woke up today with a gratuitous sugar hangover. the drink’s components: triple sec chambord vodka gingerale soda very very good. when steph and i made shirley temple blacks we used grenadine. horrible horrible hangovers.
oh my god it is freezing i just turned my heater on come on hot little opium den warmth!
i am trying to decide what to wear tonite.
the omelet i had at poor john’s was a bit blah. we wanted to walk but the rain fucked that all up. felt a bit boring. mitzi’s was closed. i was really looking forward to our hanging out today but i think it has gone and made me more depressed. can’t tell. ultimately it was good though it’ll help me move on because it was just a normal ordinary hang out and our collective boringness took away some of your allure, thankfully.
every time i see my ex too i feel like shit afterward.
had a bunch of money saved and the weekend just took it all. nothing to show for it what the hell. still have to get dance shoes, anyone have a pair of dancing heels size 8 i can buy for super cheap otherwise i have to spend 150 on brand new capezios. our utilities here are so high it is brutal will have to dump a chunk of money down for that soon too.
hangover part two just showed up.
i have a tumblr thing i infrequently update.
my mother and i aren’t talking in time for mother’s day. i’ll send her some flowers.
today is poetry writin’ weather. so grey so gloomy so glum.
my hair looked so much better messy this morning than it does clean now.
i tried the french martini that watusi has just to appease the waitress. i always ask her what she reccommends and she says the same shit, french martini or mojito. i got the mojito and then sank on the french.
I always feel weird writing emails to people I have never met, especially on a personal level, but I guess you write letters daily to thousand of people you have never met so it won’t seem so strange. I think sometimes hearing from strangers can be nice too, because they have no obligation to tell you positive things, sometimes they just do. I think number one, on a totally aesthetic note, your hair looks beautiful, don’t have haircut blues! And you are never invisible I am sure, with your personality and looks I am sure you light up any room. On a more personal note, I am glad you sometimes open up and offer us a rare jewel of your vulnerability, it lets us know you aren’t invincible and that under your tough gal exterior there is someone just like us. I think you should not feel ashamed for feeling lonely, or feeling weird around your ex. That’s life. And your heartbreak isn’t karma, it was just someone who wasn’t right for you. I’m sure if you keep kissing toads you will find your prince. And DO keep kissing toads, you’re young, it’s fun!
Anyways, enough yammering.
Thanks for always giving me something to ponder and something fun to read, and I hope my words were not more of that unnecessary advice you seem to get alot of!
PS: If getting away is what you crave, PEI is definately the place (especially in the summer), it’s good for the soul!
Laine
