oh hi there you’re still hanging around? nice to see you.
well, some memory lane was had yesterday. stories from days of yore were shared. was refreshed of many a tale starring your fearless hero performing many idiotic tasks. i blocked out tons of these happenings. mostly they’re all me skipping curfew and then the ensuing shit storm of that which i pulled the plug on wanting to listen to any more stories thereof. buzzkill city.
recounted the first time i tried blow and had a panic attack not knowing what it was. on a school night too! ha.
it was bizarre and surreal and nice to see my old hood and old faces knowing a slew of them don’t recognize me at all so i could stare away freely. anonymously. having all this background info on a guy walking by and him none the wiser. old hardware store customers. town crazies. wanderers. delinquents. so much time has passed and yet it was like it stood still. i was happy to see random familiar faces mucking about around town like oh so-and-so is still alive. good.
it’s always interesting to find out who’s banged who, naturally, and good to know it all happened after i left town.
i’m feeling the suburbia lately and feeling it feeling me. big fish, small pond. oh yes.
i’m scanning my computer right now because its got some viruses. yes from my blog. fucking shit. ugh. sorry if you get it be careful. the nerds told me it’s not infected anymore so feel free to come back and browse my bewbs scare-free.
i’m going away this weekend. don’t forget the brew/booze store closes at 5 on sunday so you better make it in time cos that shit’s closed on monday.
sorry if you’re getting an anti-virus thinger on here i likely approved some spam comment i shouldn’t have, i’ve got the nerds on it now.
in other news it is gorgeous out. grabbed a poor john’s coffee, some organic free trade beans from good catch, walked down to roncessvailles hair-pin turn down to king to no frills and blew 18 bucks on fruit and yogurt came back here and blended the family and walter the landlord some smoothies. recipe:
-pint of strawberries
-two bananas
-one kiwi (they weren’t exactly ripe yet, woulda thrown in a couple more)
-half cup vanilla yogurt
-handful of blackberries
-soy milk
-oj/cran juice a few dollops of
-6 ice cubes
sooooooooooooo goooooooood. walter says you can pay big bucks for that “downtown”. haha awesome.
today i’m goin’ west for a trip back in time to nostalgiaville. excited. patio partio sunshine, small townies, old friends. i’ll be filing that under a fuck and throwin’ a yeah in for good measure.
oh and i finally got my period. that’s like every 50 days now? word.
they call me mellow yellow.
xoxo
i made everyone wave at me a few weeks ago “for our facebook” heheh. i love awkward waving, it’s my specialty. in a few background/music videos i’ve been in, my awkward wave is captured. go sit on the central’s patio today it gets the best sun and then you can move up to the rooftop patio for more, lasts there longer.
time to wash my hair, haven’t since sunday. i’ve been flinstones pebbling it. such a time saver.
guess how many times i went to reach for my pencil only to grab the teeny raw paper pinner. then i was like why am i not smoking this that’ll clear the confusion up straight away. wish i brought my fake-out definition paper to blog.
my mom leaves her spectacles everywhere.
tim burton breakfastesque.
thanks mom!
Hey Raymi, my name is Nicole, I have been reading your blog for about five years now (I can’t believe it’s been that long, and you don’t know me WTF). I don’t know how you put up with the shit you do on the blog, nevermind your own criticisms of self and such, you gotta deal with preachers and idiots and people who are not living but think they know how you should live so they speel all this shit which is laughable for a time but would begin to actually make me crazy if I were in your shoes. I have so much respect for you just being able to come back to the site, let alone still show your edited life. You must get this all the time, however I truly relate to you and can see the shits even when you don’t say it. I gots the depression, had it since I was fourteen without even really realising it. All depressed people seem to think, at first, that it’s just how life is, a vast, silent shadow over everything, having to carry a corpse around with you everywhere, eventually you just stop going places because it’s too much weight to carry (this is where Sam comes in to carry Frodo). It led me headlong into alcoholism, anorexia and bulimia, anything to make noise, to distract me from the deathly quiet and despair. I know you talked quite a bit before on your blog about sadness, mental illness, such and such addictions, etc. But you are fairly quiet about it now, and I just want to ask if you are okay, I mean, really. You don’t know me, but do we ever really know anybody? You have been such a massive inspiration to me, someone I look to when I’m feeling anything (happy, sad, frustrated, bored), you’re almost like a drug, a good one, which I can’t get enough of, haha creepy. But I can see that lately your humor has seemed somewhat forced, you seem exhausted and ghostly, not in your appearance but just the feeling I get from the writing. I hope this hasn’t come out in any sense to offend you, my intent was to just let you know that I love you even though I don’t know you and even though the internet can be so superficial and fake, you are one of the few who are real, and always will be, and my heart goes out to your courage and beauty and honesty. It would be something to see you in love with life. With a handshake, have a damn alright afternoon.
in a huge way, depression is a wonderful thing. if you didn’t have that sadness at your heels what on earth else could possibly motivate you to do life-enriching things to be content? yes it gets exhausting but it’s a challenge, it keeps it interesting. i feel like if i were to ever approach a point where-in i had everything i could ever possibly want, desire, i’d still be sad. unfulfilled. unhappy. so just go with it. learn to love it. don’t let it consume you cos that’s just lazy and unacceptable. if i can power through it anyone can. white people problems as they so politically-incorrectly say. sad is a luxury.
i have a soft pink hard on. oh man haha i mean, soft baby pink is something i can really get behind as it’s the opposite of what i was all about as a teenage dirtbag. now, bring it on. i feel like i can stop time if i keep it feminine.
my darling melodie meticulously hot glued blue sequin pasties for me while i did my age of aquarius wardrobe. burning yourself with hot glue suuucks. it sticks and just keeps burning you. i have a bad blister on a finger i picked at (of course).
sometimes my room feels like under the umbrella tree. do you know this piece of canadiana television nostalgia reference? jacob gloria iggy hahaha.
my old h&m nude bathing suit bottoms. wearing that on the beach faking people out like i’m all nakes. olga saw me at a garage sale once and exclaimed I THOUGHT RAYMI WAS NAKED. now it’s all anne geddes‘d out. ew. no offense but babies are kind of disgusting especially dozing all enchanted-like on flowers, in flowers, flowerpots… 1990 is over in case you forgot. talk to me when you’re two. nah nah, just chubby babies. lazy slobs.
this got left behind at revival.
i don’t know about this forced humour our friend nicole is getting at. this is how i talk. yeah i throw a stupid rasta spin on shit to be a bit of an obnoxious cock here and there but really, i’ve got nothing left to give. i’m living my life in the real world. doing more, showing less. make assumptions, guestimations, anything you like. i’m spent. i have zero time to myself i have been running on empty for months. i am miserable and i am happy and i am stressed. i feel like i am doing all of the wrong things. i just wanted to peace out of blogging for a bit. if i’m not here i’m out living and tweeting out of boredom. i’m hunting but i don’t know what for. so many things have occurred over the past whatever and i don’t know where to begin.
one funny thing though or rather, just an observation. an anecdote. i feel a bit of a disconnect from blogging, i’ve been phoning it in for a little bit now but anyway i’m out at work or with friends, strangers, then some insidious horrible comment will come through or an email and it’s like what the fuck, really? you’re still on me? i’m of the mindset that if i’m busy, so should be everyone else. if i’m idle then i create more, write more, blog, more and assume everyone’s the same. not so. you go get a life and it pisses lots of people off. they want more. fine.
a lot of people disappointed me for not turning up to the show i feel as though you don’t really deserve to see footage of it in a way. my blog is a luxury to our one-sided relationship. all relationships should be reciprocal. ours isn’t so, fuck you.
it’s really strange having multiple of thousands reading you daily, watching, waiting, some of those people being your good pals. you go support their shit, or whatever, you blog, they read it, and then assume we’re all squared away, caught up when really i don’t know shit about their lives, they make no effort with me. each post is like a hey what’s up please leave a message at the tone voicemail. i am here with open arms, welcoming. always for the most part so when you hammer away at people hey this shit is going on please come, they make ten thousand excuses, warranted or not, it’s still shitty. i mean don’t get me wrong, the house was packed, every seat was spoken for and there was a lot of people standing room only but it woulda been nice to see some more familiar faces scattered in there. part of it is post-show blues and part of it is i am taking a motherfucking time out. i put a lot of time money and effort and work into it, is all i’m saying so don’t ask me about it right now thank you. ok i’ll stop whining now.
sometimes i’ll be alone on my bike with jeff buckley in the sun and just feel so amazing. so amazing. or i’ll just be alone and feel like i have the entire world. i’ll have a nice smoothie and amble around and smile at as many people as possible. singing too, still singing. biking and singing hipster trap tunes and that’s how you get your rubberneckers.
speaking of i need to not wear pants around burlington more often. ego stroke city. i don’t care how fucking arrogant this sounds, i make an effort to look nice it’s nice to see it appreciated not like here where you get checked out in secret which is why i’m going to cruise a dating site with a private account. i can’t keep picking up people on the street, or bars. so much effort expended and then things are going smoothly until they blow it then you have to start all over again and it makes you feel insane.
someone wants a guide to picking up dudes. here it is: talk to them. give them your number. ask if they are single. you can tell pretty much straight away if they are feeling you. how do you tell this? if they look at you and let you bust them checking you out: green light. if you see the same cat around a few bars and he’s checking you out, go up to him. guys will hang themselves pretty quick, the first red flag sign you get means you should back off but of course no one ever does. usually it’s 5 more red flags and you’re still drinking through it. be bold and brazen but not too “yourself” not too free-spirited i dunno, don’t act but don’t reveal it all. like i have amazing tan lines which is always a bonus once and if we hit some closed quarters. do i tell the broseph about them? no, hmm, but i should. maybe i’ll put that in my dating profile. moving on.
i’m looking for more essentially, but not totally looking, it kind of just happens. i can’t remember a life before not engaging with strangers. i kept my eyes on the pavement walking from A to B and let the shyness take me and what an awful waste of time that was. as a loyal girlfriend and fiance i didn’t even want the temptation or to entertain anything at all when ultimately flirting is a massive means to save your relationship. i was such a fool. i can’t see being the person i was before ever again. i don’t even know how that life was even possible. i am astounded. everything was so mapped out and now everyday is a brand new adventure who the fuck knows what’s next. i live like i am going to die tomorrow. if i’m not blogging i’m skipping around town. good weather makes blog hits go down anyway so why bust my ass?
oh and here’s an announcement i’ll type in caps lock:
I HAVE TEN PAIRS OF TICKETS FOR FYFE TO GIVE AWAY FOR HIS MAY 23 SHOW AT THE EL MO email me if you want a hook-up. if you pass my coolness test i may get you a drink too. this song has me sold.
check yous later. as for me, i’ll be l i v i n’.
oh and ps. here’s another thing that just occurred to me, the more i blog, the less i eat, the skinnier i am. the less i blog, the more i eat, the flabbier i am. blogging = skinny. fact.
finished making my age of aquarius outfit and now i think i’m addicted to hot gluing shit on shit. tomorrow i have to shred up a shirt for one of our numbers.
ate/drank face off at cafe taste tonite. doesn’t even feel like a saturday. i’m so tired. oh god i’m turning into one of those women rob keeps complaining about. exhausted city chicks. blargh.
went to the annex wreckroom with alicia, hayley, and nina last nite for like 40 minutes after being cut from work holy crap does that place ever suck. like, take the most asinine geeky ridiculous not getting it people ever stick ‘em in a room with shitty music and BAM, what the hell is going on? had to fight a weirdo for two seconds of stripper pole picture posing relax guy NOBODY is looking at you dance on that thing, no one wants to see your junked out crush fucked hand slippy seductive sensual disgustingly sweaty mating dance. stop it right now. then i climbed the thing and everyone realised the game had been brought and then they all thought they were as acrobatic and nimble as i. not so. some near face plants almost occurred.
as always though i had a hell of a time being the best dancer in the room. of course. hip hop dance party soon alicia san.
i realised i don’t ever go out out so when i’m in a new scene i’m all bug-eyed taking in my surroundings like this is what a friday nite is like, i’m typically working. oh fuck i have so much to do today i have to get faux flowers and make nipple pasties out of them and matching bottoms. reconstruct (deconstruct?) a hippie dress. maybe find new shoes cos those pieces of shit one of the straps of is about to blast off. fuck. ok see you next century. yesterday ruled. whatever i don’t have time to blog you can lurk on my flickr or as always i light it up pretty frequently on twitter.
one show a nite guys, autographs in the lobby. xo amigettes.
oh hi there just a quickie to say hi and i’ll be right back. going through two day’s worth of photos. i feel as though i never have time to myself and i’m always saying that or insinuating it to whomever and they’re like um i see you like never. everyone is just melding into one person to me these days so i’m all oh, right, well, sorry. i still won’t sleep with you though. ha ha ha ha err…
bought some amazing honey with comb in it. can you consume the wax part? it’s totally wax. kinda interesting kinda ew what is this in my mouth?
my period is taking forever. it’s so strange, i guess it’s my iud and i am so sick of talking about it. mostly i just hate my body right now because of it and i’m just waiting to be all flushed out and skinny as a whip again. if i’m not body happy then i’m nothing happy. i weighed myself at my dad’s, huge mistake.
i have to work in these dance heels and see if i can conceivably dance in them. i wish i could just wear my wedge mary janes but chesty hates them. i can black out dance in them no problem.
putting band-aids on my feet the second i hit publish and going to dry my laundry wearing these and thermal pants. hot look. very parkdale. the men in the store on rocessvailles were all up in my space and i’m like look dudes i need to try out some moves so step back. then i did some kicks and twirls and steps and crap i’m pretty sure they thought i was a stripper.
clem’s birthday gongfest. he needs to work on his aim. i think he does it on purpose actually, everyone just gets covered in sticky booze.
rob and i got ripped last nite, respectively so. no hangover. we had a dance and tunes party. the guy lives right around the corner. we barfly together when we can. building a community of sorts in the hood. finally met al his good friend who lives right across the street from us (email me!) and who also knows everybody in parkdale.
why won’t facebook let me change my bloody profile picture? i’m pretty irritable today, everything’s fine, i tidied up, sorted out some stuff, whatever happy enough doin’ my thing and then that little hiccup put me over the edge. stupid.
sliced up some strawberries, will put honey over them and bananas and special k five grain whatever cereal and yogurt. i like omega 3 better but it’s good for a change. if i eat the same thing everyday i get depressed. speaking of, i am so eating my feelings lately. i am a machine. i guess if you want to consume all the time you’re filling some void or another, trying to, that, or metabolism is out of control.
i bike i burlesque i walk i bartend and serve i am always moving and i have at least 3 caffeinated beverages daily. typically more. i smoke weed so there’s those munchies.
yesterday i drank my easy milkshake in a minute and the thing was about the size of a movie theatre pop and i got them to put espresso in it. i have before and after pictures of course. i chose grilled tomatoes and poached eggs to balance it out lightly. i find the more strange the meal, the more fulfilled i am and the more fulfilled, the less needy, the less searching for satiation which is absolute bullshit cos i don’t think i’ll be done searching until i am dead.
here’s everything i put inside me yesterday:
coffee
massive milkshake
2 poached eggs
3 grilled tomatoes
some more coffee
rum ball
coffee
rum pineapple drink
polish tallboy
green tea
pound of wings
white wine/orange
1/3 bottle of red wine (would of had more if rob wasn’t such an irish beast)
olive cheese red pepper smoked salmon plate
ok that was boring sorry i’ll try not to do that all the time. essentially right now eating is my boyfriend, it’s what i think about a lot. i eat so many bananas i think i have to tone it down. it’s great for being regular and all but just now something painful happened so i better relax.
how do you like the parkdale no frills, a little bit of an experience that yeah? haha. harry’s diner is great though. i love me a good scene. old men drinking at like 2 in the afternoon. i’m none to judge as i periodically wake ‘n bake.
ok i’ll stop talking now byeeee.
i wore this shirt the last time i went there. i have a habit now of wearing certain shirts (outfits) months later to the same place. everyone for sure totally remembers.
ps. this weather is bullshit.
who IS coming to this business on sunday night? NOT LIKE IT’S IMPORTANT TO ME OR ANYTHING! $5 off if you say you’re with raymi aka lida hosen. Beauty School
