last nite i was pretty knackered so i thought to myself, date with a fish or emma’s backporch with my mom and co. and be somewhat mellow about it. the proof of my decisions are as follows…
look how much i am being stared at here. everyone who goes to emma’s in burlington are pretty rural, or even more so than that. those guys were from ancaster? alliston? whatever. they are beguiled by me big time. these guys both couldn’t get it together then one of my requests (they played every single one) came on and i said excuse me gentleman i have to go dance slutty with my mom now thanks.
i am never wearing those pants ever again. mom called them jc hammer pants. cousin jeremy and i died laughing at her and insert the mention into regular conversation.
see how i have to show my entire outfit? see my future over there top left? (we’ll come back to that). lois in the pink shirt is my new little doll. we swapped headbands. see how i am turning everyone around me into me? she brought that headband specifically for me. i love it.
girl with the gloves kept asking me to take her picture. we started the dance party. we always do. or i do. wet blanket girls were scowling at me. i so don’t care. the guys were loving it.
i hawk-eyed the room and put phil to work. he did up my shoelace a few times. one of my game move strategies is doing up my shoe or getting a guy to do it up for me. everybody wins. you’ll see.
this outfit is kinda skinheady. if i put the yellow laces in will i look like ronald mcdonald? i knew the avante garde pants would look great with these boots and fake out into visualizing suspenders.
i snapped at this guy. he cupped my ass. he’s going to be on the food network on that show, food wars? i fucking lost it. they weren’t going to use the footage cos they were trainwreck drunk. i was like they so are and he said yeah they called the following week. got them wasted. he was blotto too. dude if you fucking ever touch me again i will throw you down some stairs you can’t do that. i walked away to phil and said i’m taking a time out right now otherwise i cause an enormous scene.
and speaking of eerie future this is your boat cruise captain contest winners from my tenth anniversary party at wrong bar. there are many things to take note of in this photograph. the similar allignment to my mother and i, and hair, my cousin and his dad (my mom’s brother, my uncle) and the necessity of his shirt removal to neurotically showcase his work out progress. we’re on our way over to his place now to have steak and escargots and a hot tub while the snow falls on us. i never see these people so when i do we um, do these things together?
my favourite. jeremy and i know how ridiculous this is but normal for us. this is the reality show right fucking here. there is so much more backstory too. it just keeps going.
went to see black swan last nite (amazing) with stew. first we went to jack astors at YDS to make fun of people who go to jack astors. also it’s near the theatre. next time it’s milestones. i really really love suburban lameness because it makes me feel like a big fish but also it’s kind of comforting to blend in and have all your first world needs catered to, overpriced crappy food? bring it on. waitress brought me three hot sauces. they blew my brains out. i have a hot sauce problem.
my mom totally ruined the plot for me and then i ruined it for you on twitter. sorry. thanks mom. it was her own interpretation of the movie anyway and they don’t exactly address it in the end but you cannot avoid thinking about it or viewing it in this vein once the seed is planted in your head. i angry texted my mom halfway through YOU RUINED THIS MOVIE FOR ME THANK YOU.
we saw that building that was burned down a we were burning a doob with cops all over the place it was like a crime scene abandoned disneyland with the christmas lights everywhere. i must go back and take some pics of the lights in yds. i love that shit. i am what i make fun of. total tourist geek.
loving the docs. everyone tells me their docs story when they notice them. apparently we all invented docs COOL GUYS THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW. can you also tell me where you were when nine eleven happened too? follow that up with where your mom was when neil armstrong landed on the moon.
i was in a pretty good mood. stew was explaining blogging to these guys and why we were all away in montreal together and then i took a picture of my feet and he’s like SEE this is what raymi does. yeah don’t worry it all makes sense on the internet i swear. i can feel your smirking when i do this and i so totally don’t care.
i found a hat earlier in the day. britt was like no it’s bad karma don’t take it. you know how many hats i have lost? my favourite hats? it’s just a black knit hat. you know what’s bad karma? the flu or a head cold. this shit is mine now.
i weighed myself this morning at the motion room and i’ve gained weight yet um look at me, twig city. thanks muscles i want to die now. james was like do NOT weigh yourself.
i really liked how long my arm was in this one and showed it to a few people and they were like yes it is long go away. i was in a good mood and that good mood involved being a shithead you would have been proud. you know when you know you’re being irritating and you can’t stop yourself nor do you care what anybody is thinking about you? so rarely get to experience indifference cos i’m so intense all the time wow i can’t believe i am bragging about being happy over a feeling i had.
scoping the last callers. me and stew should have a predator reality dating show. we are never going to get boyfriends if we keep hanging out together cos obviously we look like we’re on a date at jack astors.
a “date” met me here for a drink once. a famous guy. i was not pretty enough in real life for anything to happen but his arrival in meeting me was epic because the ex boyfriend of a girl who pretty much hates me watched it all go down and he was on his blackberry the entire time and i felt like it was possible he was typing OMG it’s raymi alone at the bar and we kept avoiding staring at one another and we’ve never been officially introduced but we both so know who the other is, anyway it was awkward and i felt way too on display and platinum and self conscious and was wearing my stevie nicks black gauzy dress shirt thing with no pants and i’m thinking alright fine if he’s going to have this mega-staring problem at me then wait til he gets a fucking load of who is on their merry way to meet me right now i get the text that he’s one minute away and i swivel like a panther in my stool legs crossed hair like scarface michelle pfieffer arms back on the bar leaning like james dean (lean like james dean nice you must credit me that one) and in through the door of the beac walks my famous date right into my arms we embrace i kiss him on the cheek and then fluidly look over my left shoulder back at staring problems and his agape mouth total in shock statue. it was perfect.
that perfect timing moment is up there with another shitty date at reposado i was in the dark place talking about how depressed i was trying to deflect this guy off me like crazy and he’s falling hard, it’s backfiring large and in walks ron sexsmith i say hey do you like ron sexsmith? he goes i LOVE ron sexsmith and without skipping a beat i go hi ron and he goes hi raymi he was right behind him. the guy DIED. ron sat beside me and the guy was just, i looked super fucking cool is the point. then he got mad at me for blogging about it. i’m sorry but that moment in time belongs to me i am not keeping it a secret no way.
how weird does this longer jacket look beneath my shorter leather? oh that’s right, i don’t fucking care.
stew came over for a bit to do crazy loud workouts (sorry melucas) and then he left at 5am to eat a big mac. i was almost seduced. i told my trainer and he was like wow. but then, big macs ARE delicious. now i can’t stop thinking about big macs. GREAT.
ps. i’m stronger now and really good at push ups.
wordsmith out.
oh yeah see this red chair?
we want it out of adventurehouse come take it today someone please thanks.
there’s something funny to me about filling up a modern leather waste bin with glass beer bottles. the bathroom one too. it’s just so obnoxious and debaucherous. i picture a hobo pilfering the contents of these swanky garbages and trotting off to the booze store to cash in the bottle deposit thinking what fucking fat cat assholes we are.
a billion o’clock in the morning post NYE, third room service order? the guy hated us and totally didn’t believe lucas anymore for calling again about the water beer bottle he’s like you know you can just order more beers you don’t have to tell stories. it was like 5am and one couldn’t even pick a fight with a spoon by that hour so he just let the guy think we were liars. i accidentally pounded some of the water beer, it was gross, despite everything tasting like water at that point i know for fact that was not beer.
this was the most flattering photo of my foot. i have hair stubble on my toes from shaving those guys (who doesn’t other than lumberjacks?) so i KNEW you’d rip me for it so you only get a far away shot. time for a pedicure much? my baby toe always looks horny (hahaha)(slut) that’s from dance. mel was like is this one broken too? nope, it just looks that way because i am a troll.
bottomless mimosas and a very nice waitress totally grasping our combined stupidities. i could barely eat but i forced food down regardless. somehow i lost weight this weekend. i guess that thing about eating more working in your favour for weight loss is true. it seemed like we were constantly eating. shop eat hair eat drink drink party eat sleep eat eat and so on.
i have a ton of bopping melodie in the face shots but i’m laughing too hard which means fat face so i don’t know if i’m gonna share those yet. we have been laughing our asses over them though.
the french contest winners. i put them in their place right away. they liked it. that guy got so tanked. not everyone can pace themselves like me. i, am a professional for hire. i can drink you under the table (not for long though) and when you’re crying for no more i’ll be floating on a red satin pillow, doing whimsical things that i can’t think of right now.
i love hotel lounges. you can be anonymous and pretend like you actually are money or important. wait what am i saying i am both of those things. but still, people will be snooty to you, it’s just the way it is. you have to own shit and out-snoot or be snooted.
melodie’s backpack makes it look like i’m sitting on a wheelchair at first glance. did i blog this one already? i get confused if i pre-facebook profile pic a photo. some goodies get lost and never make it here.
this was kind of not funny at all. requires too much looking cos they don’t speak. then you look away and miss something and are lost and just irritated.
toe nurse. she taped them. melodie did a treatment to take the swelling and bruising away. good to go now so glad not broken. fuck that would bum me out a lot.
we begin at mercatto. a special place to me, albeit the other location on toronto street (ave?) we went to the bay location and i walked in alone and every yuppie head turned to look at me, i was super shy but played it cool and went out front to immediately explode about it. i didn’t get (read) the memo in my itinerary that we had changed locations to meet at. no problem everyone pile back in the cab van.
i was kind of a stress bag. i had my session at tmr that morning then rushed home to shower pack dash to meet alen to get another camera (which i didn’t use once, i need another flash card) then to mercatto (the wrong one) and then settle in for a pow wow meeting pre-flight. it didn’t take long for the mania to subside, thanks to light stella. the party had begun. i am super high strung, i was stressed cos i wanted to make sure adventurehouse was ready and i know from history we all have a tendency to take our sweet fucking time. it’s hard to organize people when you yourself are a basket case.
many hot men in this restaurant, women too. i complimented many chick’s outfits and received compliments in return. everyone was drinking wine, at noon. walking out of there chatty and buzzed. must be nice to have liquid high-end lunches all the time. one man said ciao to me when i smiled at him as he left and i was like lucas go after him and get his card NOW at the same moment monika started speaking about our next whatever from the itinerary. missed connection yet again. she said anything you want we will do for you no questions asked. i said ok well i wanted him and you just cock blocked me. hahah. that chick is awesome.
i ordered the calamari. asked for hot peppers. blew my mind inside out. am i doing any damage with all the heat i consume? maybe we should go to mitzi’s tonight so i can have mados. darius are you around?
i called stew a thousand times on the way to the restaurant, he finally answers (or calls me back) totally hiding how not prepared he is. are you packed? yes, yes i am. SO wasn’t packed. i’m glad he lied to me. laughed my head off when he said i totally wasn’t even packed. always protect me from extra stress if you can manage it fyi everybody. i bet i will have a heart attack by thirty. a friend of mine had two by 25. seriously.
when i have a sad panda friend i always tell them there are more colours in the world than just grey (to inspire happy thoughts) can you imagine road testing that line looking at this fuckin’ picture right now? pfft. sayonara toronto.
yellow dude is the contest winner. they all sat behind us and drove me up the wall and got me a talking to for being loud and then enemies with our stewardess. the blond girl always gets singled out, oh she has personality and loud clothing so we’ll talk to her. FT.
the rule for us was cock block if there are creepers present and we’re siblings if it’s someone we like. we ended up just cock blocking one another like crazy i guess. you see two blondes who both dress zany hugging and stumbling and yelling around the room and dancing like monkeys you gotta assume they’re a pair. i didn’t really mind i was there to be with my friends and enjoy them not some french peen.
melodie awkwardly on display waiting for the loo. i went and waited but a guy was in there for ages so i gave up and i also didn’t want turbulence to knock my naked ass out of there with my jumper tangled up around my ankles. bloated city.
poor monika rode with the contest babies in the stretch suv which we nicely let them have. based on how hyper we were in our limo i can only imagine how loud that ride was hahaha.
oh right i forgot why i was hired for this campaign, this is how we do it, professional indie party girl at your service. not only do i play the game, i break it to fucking pieces.
quick everybody place long distance roaming calls on the company dime just because. just kidding everybody i’d want to talk to at that point in time was already with me. maybe i should have called melodie. oh that’s right we sent each other hungover stupid DM’s throughout the weekend. her: hi pretty me: hiiiiiii her: uisegfsfgdskj me: hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii so useless hahaha.
home base. finally. funny how quick everyone turns to referring to their hotel as home when you’re out shopping or dining, like, ok when we get home we’ll check your suitcase. you mean, hotel home? cute. that’s a universal meme right there.
your VIPs have arrived. i don’t even want to know what our collective booze/room service bill was. actually yes i do. a mini bottle of champagne was 85 bucks. we ordered a billon beers.
having a chill out drink in the lounge while waiting for our rooms to get out of our handler’s hair. they bring you your martini and then an extra martini. that’s very smart or very stupid on their part, albeit generous. i drank it like water. check the inq 3g face plate on stew’s phone that comes with your cell. groovy.
i want to live in a hotel forever like eloise. we both have the same mental capacity, live in our heads, and blond hair and ridiculous outfits. i just need to get a pet turtle with a red bow wrapped around it.
i had moments of pure elation when i was alone in there looking out the window hugging myself happily zoning into my internet zen mode. nothing like a new space.
i should have been chain smoking naked in the window but i don’t smoke but you know, or a semi-nude bohemian unemployed brooding hot musician pacing around. next time.
if you don’t close the shower curtains you can totally watch people use the toilet which we almost saw one of us do before i swooped in and saved them. i am a nice girl. sometimes. in fact, yesterday the red flag told me he’s never heard me say one bad thing about a person ever.
that concludes round one for now. watch this video of us on the way to the club for NYE having a balloon fight which i totally instigated and wouldn’t stop. melodie was pissed cos she worried her hair would get messed up. oh whatever melodie you cut it all off like sigourney weaver there’s NOTHING to mess up.
here’s us in the hallway and i unfortunately clicked video off literally one second before walking right into a wall. i was filming so my depth perception of reality was off plus piled on top of that was a gauntlet of intoxicants. i have another video of the aftermath of everyone laughing at me though i’ll share later.
we got a noise complaint in my room so we left for casie and stew’s. gee i wonder why we had a complaint haha.
when my brains start working again i’ll do a montreal in review post. such a wild time. could get used to this life. easily. um my toe is black and blue from slamming it into the stupid bed frame in my room. i burst into tears at the airport when i saw how bad it was, in the cab it was pretty swollen. we showed those kids how to party man. thanks inq friends for making me look good. xo
