yesterday at the burroughes building they held the launch of eye weekly’s new brand enterprise, the grid. it was exactly what i expected, booze-off central. D(ay)T(ime)D(runk). saddle up partner.
i love this building, when i get an invite to something here i know it’s going to be a gong show. i’m trying not to be a drunk anymore so i restricted myself. no hangover today despite the drink rounds we did, we shared. do you like how my blog is a guide to being a grandma socialite now? take teeny sips.
this is us leaving, a bit cocked. went there on empty stomachs knowing dinner would be going around on trays and i’d have to tackle some servers to get a base going.
my hair was fluffy. i forgot about this party, thought it was next week (i must introduce more organization into my life) i was sitting in the bath and teacher came home i’m like i forwarded you something, it’s on may 11 next week, he’s like that is TODAY. it was 4.30, we had an hour to get ready. fluff attack was the outcome.
some servers don’t like their photo being taken at events (this isn’t one) and i think it’s cos they take these jobs on as a side-gig and don’t want people to know. some get feisty, one dude rolled his eyes at me. hey brah if anyone should be rolling eyes it should be ME at YOU. servant. now give me another piece of salmon. the drink i am holding is one of sandy’s signature concoctions, she’s the first person i recognized there. girl can make drinks like holy shit, may as well be called black out punch. delicious.
crappy picture (my fault) but hi jen! running into people you know at these things is always funny, suspiciously, why are YOU here? uh dude, same reason you are. i am cool and notable. jen and i didn’t act like this to one another though, don’t make connections with my photos and captions. not always anyway. then i bumped into lucas by sandy’s station, same thing, why the fuck are you here and why didn’t you tell me? um i thought you’d be here? yeah right lucas. no one likes to share basically and i do recall mentioning this party on twitter and some other time at 4 in the morning when i brought everyone back to teachers to drink the house while i cooked. i was soberaoke that night oh yeah i go up to sandy yesterday and say CLEANSE IS OVER. she said but didn’t you do a shot when i saw you? no. passed it off to courtney. people who are trying to be sober and needing to hide it to not make a big deal of it, there are all these goofy little tricks to trick your friends into thinking you’re drinking too but if you need to do that to people then those probably aren’t the kind of friends you want.
this guy rolled his eyes at me but then i watched him (because he became my secret enemy after that, secret to him haha) and noticed his face was moving all over the place like maybe nervous ticks or i dunno. these are the details that keep this thing alive.
teacher has a nice face, he goes too modelly though, lisa said so. it’s like i am dating two people, glasses and no glasses guy, when i catch him with them off i often double-take, who is that?
now that i am getting skinnier and have become a smiler it appears that my dimple is expanding. wicked bonus. had to take breaks from the people sea to scope the view.
i have copious aloof stances to shield me from people staring at me anxiety, make zero contact and keep moving. OR if you stand still in the middle of the room, it looks like you are actually doing something. merely standing there is an activity, then you see people quickly start shuffling all around you like they need to get out of your way from all that busy standing you’re doing, vip-importantly. i am serious. people are funny. herd mentality is a laugh riot.
those boots make me look like i should be holding a trumpet. btw these boots are over now, i knew i would be pushing my luck in wearing them. i wore them because i thought they would help mask some of the loudness of my pants, and make me look more proportionate. my ankles get so skinny and in these tight acid wash jeans especially i look way too bell shaped, pear shaped? i basically have to be a skeleton like on survivor day 38 in order not to look hips don’t lie 24/7.
thanks for the dranks. (and the roots bags plus flask, it would be cool if one of the sig cocktails was in the flask, incredibly illegal)(with a note saying BLOG THIS AND DIE).
i think i became “famous” because i love being photographed and staging shots or happening upon some and giving it a try. my obsession in my own interests are is (who knows anymore) interesting.
every time i see her making a drank i laugh and remember stew saying oh right, the last time i had drinks at sandy’s i didn’t wake up til ten pm the next night. haha. that is some serious drinking and i know, i’ve been there. i was very depressed that night so don’t judge.
christ i look like my mom, my mom with her hair now (but better) but her younger intense shy strong face, no? the older i get the more i get checked out by older dudes like, dos equis man lookin’ mawfuckers that probably own islands and magnum speedboats. ahhhh. one day i’ll go to metro and i won’t come back ahahaa. teacher is gonna love that one.
speaking of, there he is with superdad. dude who bamboozled me in the globe&mail and changed my life. he even said his sister was asking about teacher. how soap opera-y. i told him to tell her that, in the beginning between us it was “complicated” but now we are giving this relationship thing a go, but keep it on the d/l. it’s less fucked up now but i am keeping it messy, defiantly. i am not prepared to give up my independence just yet, even though i am. it’s not complicated actually, it’s just none of your fucking business is what it is ha ha.
shulgan said my literary agent is getting all big time now i say whaaaat? why isn’t he lighting a fire under my ass then why do i have to learn to do things on my own hey? fucking call me bucci. lulz. i got bucci because of shulgan, bucci is his agent/friend too. i have plans to get that book done asap, so nevermind about it (you guys, blog readers) i feel a sign is coming my way very soon to tell me to get on it, yes i am talking cosmic-like, but more so, a wake up call. hopefully.
it’s interesting to see the same people i’ve seen for years at parties and events, i don’t remember any of their names (that was a lot of drinking) and they don’t recognize me, well they do but they can’t place it. so i’m in this vacuum of forever-awkward, do i approach them and say hi or not? i feel like a specimen sometimes. teacher scoped out all the people he said were looking at me, glad he didn’t tell me until we were on the couch. WHO? WHERE? HIM!? hahaha.
teacher had never been to something like this before. i think he was nervous. i was nervous but for other reasons, more so anxiety from heat, exhaustion, think i’m sick (or dying of cancer because i can’t stop coughing, i’m losing sleep over it) and floating in the tub daydreaming about survivor and how that was the only thing i had to do, was watch it. anyway so he’s like what should i wear? ugh i dunno you deal with that i have my own problems but then his became my problem because i realized this was our first outing together in raymiworld and people would be watching. i had to have a glass of white wine to relax. which is stupid when you’re on your way to a boozapalooza. i get anxiety, what can i say, once i get used to warm weather and um, life? i will be mellow yellow.
allergy attack. if i wasn’t a lazy ass SO BUSY yesterday i’d have been dropped off by my other bike (at casie’s) and biked it over to teacher’s THEN taken my other one to get the tires pumped up and THEN we’d have ridden bikes instead of cabbing it. so exhausting. that chore is a two people job.
i told you i was skinny yesterday. andrew put me through the ringer big time. we should have taken photos yesterday because monday’s shoot i was pms-bloated comparatively to this bone rack seen here. oh well.
during my blog speech i said i was paid thousands of dollars to get into shape the kids were like for serious! and knelt like wayne’s world (kidding)(to the kneeling, not the money) but yeah, you know how expensive a personal trainer is to begin with right? i truly am lucky.
first thing’s first i have to shut this door, my allergies are exploding. kids, when you get to my dusty old age you might be lucky enough to develop allergies like me. something to look forward to.
ok now this is going well… hmm. luckily once i start talking i don’t stop until i run out of breath so there was no need to pull up my blog, the real deal is standing right in front of you, maybe wait to check it out at home with your parents so they can hit the roof lol.
that’s me and mr. bates. he taught all of my dude friends and first bf, i’d mill about the nerd class-wasting gaggle around him back in the day in the halls. i knew this was a good teacher. he found me on facebook through all of our mutual friends and started reading my blog then i was like YOU are in luck, i’m an sss graduate.
do you like how i am dressed like a complete total slob? me too. i dash out to the car and go to my colleague, too much? holding the chain up meanwhile the entire joke is about my see-through shirt, hella appropes. i forgot to mention that the ratty bikini top i have been wearing for years will be aiding in some more product placements in the form of uber fashionista swimsuits this summer. i was too busy talking about how many times i was in the newspaper to add that.
i did a lot of teacher posturing. teachers lean on desks for absolutely no reason, it’s not comfortable, it has no purpose other than trying to look smarter and domineering. well, cool really.
this student was nice, she thanked me for coming afterward aww. i always made a point to come forward and thank speakers too. your peers have nothing for you, so always cling to guests like a barnacle, get their contact too and make a mentor out of them.
i took english media in this class with mr. i forgethisname but kinda looked like douglas coupland. my fascination for advertising and all things marketing came out of this rinky dink room. standing up delivering my sideshow act definitely brought me back.
right off the bat i listed a bunch of perks of my blog(thug)life, girls, got my hairs sponsored, my nails sponsored, yeah, this platinum is pricey, my purse, these shoes, spokesmodel for a personal training facility, paid to party etc etc. the one blond girl in the room was all ears after that. i liked her pants. i also compared blog world to hip hop world, there’s rivals and beefs, you keep your frenemies close. got a bunch of nods out of that. haha remember the family guy episode when brian comes in rapping about romeo and juliet pffft ahaha.
i wanted to be a teacher when i was a kid. i read to my stuffed animals and my name was mrs. clorenchio (i had a lot of italian teachers in elem school) oh man that was somehow fun for me?
ugh i cannot believe i went as john belushi to this. when i go back to speak to the grade ten biz class i will dress like a legal secretary. though i stayed true to what i am and do. i get to sleep in! they’re all like whaaaaa? yeah it’s true. it doesn’t mean i don’t bust my balls off though (right now for instance it is 8.30am and i’ve been up since 7, coughing, but i know i have a lot on my plate today so up i am) you get to schedule when you sleep and when you blog. it’s smart to try and follow the 9-5 mon-fri work week schedule though cos that’s when cubicle farms are open for business and lazy asses are procrastinating ie. facebook, raymi’s blog.
this kid taught me something just by asking a simple question in that innocent way only a teenager could, he goes, but, why do you care about haters? like at all? then everyone chimed in yeah why? (cos clearly i am awesome). excellent point dude.
my canned response was my typical go-to well, i am a defensive person by nature, people push my buttons for a reaction and everybody knows raymi reacts. but he’s right, they’re right. haters are nobodies getting in my way. thanks kids. however, it’s content and people like to see me get mad. i look hot when i’m mad (ex’s have purposely picked fights with me for this very reason, sick eh) and my intelligence climaxes and the zings come out. it’s unhealthy though and i don’t like it. negativity is cancerous. i explained that part of my recipe IS that i go there, i’ll go down to their level and throw a punch, some readers like that, while others like the fairytale fantasy of shopping and pictures of jewellery. there’s something for everyone.
i mentioned bullying a little bit, vaguely, but made comparisons to online bullying and being mean, highschool mean. one day somehow they’ll police all the internet trolls. losers who have been harassing people for years.
there’s no point in telling you what i spoke about (as i have barely any recollection of it, all original all the time haha) but mostly, if you want to hear my raymisms then i guess we’ll have to organize another speaking engagement or i dunno. there’s so much to do, so much in building an empire/brand.
only fat girls drink diet coke. paris hilton said that. epic bitch. hilar. i was speed talking when i first showed up after sitting in traffic and arriving late, mr. bates was like speaking of tea, would you like an iced one? oh hell yes i’d love one. they were out, so it was a coke. which i haven’t had in a very long time, i’ll drink diet if anything, which is where the p. hilton quote comes from, the teacher told me that yesterday when i told him how it went. i also told mr. bates i’m seeing a teacher right now so i know alll your teacher tricks, when you run out of lessons that’s when it’s movie day! mr. bates i want to read your blog too. one highlight was getting the key to the teacher’s bathroom, i asked a girl in the hall where it was and she’s all uhh i don’t know. me either. so i went into the staff room thinking it was right there, the door closes behind me and i see all their cups hanging up and their lounge and, in my head i’m all ding ding ding this is the plot of a judd apatow flick i am standing in. i got spooked out, didn’t want to have to talk to any other teachers so i left and used the student bathroom instead meanwhile i had the golden key to the golden john. funny. colleague used the boys in the tech hall. there’s no girls bathroom down that corridor because the school was built during sexist times, there’s no way girls would take auto or tech so they don’t need bathrooms. also something funny, mr. bates has no idea where the student washrooms are ahahaha.
busted into the library and found THE copy of on the road i used for my essay in grade 12, replete with all my notes, underlined passages, retarded emo quotes. i couldn’t believe it. i have referenced this book for years on my blog making going back to the library (and taking it) jokes, never assuming it would still be there. but it was! exactly ten years later too, i was 18 when i wrote that essay, it was the last month of school, mid-may and we had a month to work on it. spooooky kismet.
this floored me. this was my life right before i moved to brooklyn and i did not steal this book. one day some little beatnik-in-training may come upon it and be amazed. or severely irritated by all my markings. i like books to have histories, even those that don’t belong to me.
shh i am reminiscing. no i’m trying to find the page with the most markings, i found it when the librarian came up and looked over my shoulder and it was on THE MOST defaced page ever, then it was lost.
there were two copies of on the road. i had to cross-compare it to big sur, which is a piece of shit in comparison, i resorted to finding a kerouac fanatic in a chatroom to help me finish writing my essay. ha burn.
i’ve had dreams of this library. the school seems the same in size, not like it’s SO SMALL when you revisit a place. lockers are painted differently, there’s a remembrance photo of mr. stern (rip) by the drama class the only thing different is the students, THEY seem younger, which i am envious of and happy for i guess.
then we went to home hardware. this was my treasure of a job for five years (off and on) i made all my monies here. my parents were like fine if you want to go off to new york go ahead, but we’re not giving you any money. way ahead of you dudes, i’d take every paycheck, convert it into $USD and slip it between my mattresses. i am not a trust fund brat i told the students. true i do come from privilege like anybody else might but, i was determined and driven to make shit happen and if i had to do it on my own steed, then that is what i gotta do. i knew college/university would kill me, i needed to let my free spirit be and get outta dodge. i’d sit on these cement parking spot blocks smoking cigs and stare out at the bleak gray joyless shit hole mississauga nothingness and decided yeah, i am moving far away from here. more than half of my success is chalked up to spite. ha i’ll show them, and so i did.
i had many customer fans too, i was the mouthy one who entertained and delighted and pissed off everyone. how i never got fired, phewf. the owners, my bosses, are italian, very family oldschool, so there was no way i was getting kicked out.
staring fondly down the automotive section. one time after the metallica concert i went to when i was 15 and blew my ears out in the mosh pit, i was sorting junk down this aisle on order day and paul was like LAUREN YO HELLO talking to me then frustratedly comes up right beside me, still don’t hear him then finally i sense his presence and absentmindedly look up all confused, WHAT?! he just laughed, walked away, and i called after him WHAT!? WHAT DID YOU SAY I CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING as the swan song of the last decibel of that high pitched frequency rang out in mine ears (ear plugs dudes, use ‘em wisely).
i could tell you every single thing you do not need to know about every single product home hardware carries. i am proud to be a home hardware champ, they’re independent and canadian. i can’t tell you how many fights i’ve had with dickheads coming in and flipping out over some part we don’t have, well home depot has it, yeah well, fucking go there then. or if something was 40 cents more at h.h. they’d say rona had it cheaper. oh really? well then we know what to do, waste gas on saving forty cents brah. dude’d come back an hour later and buy the part cos rona wouldn’t have it. burn. streetsville “is the village in the city” and having an independent hardware store is essential for that nostalgic vibe. i said i’d blog about them one day, the soap opera of the hardware store, or in a book. i remember everything so there’s no rush. we had a guy with a lobotomy who would come in daily, for an hour, combing every aisle, with no recollection of having been there the day prior. a woman came in once to tell us about him. we’d all flee when he’d come in, only because he’s a talker and you’d get stuck for 20 minutes while he droned on. some days i wouldn’t avoid him. there was never a shortage of crazy (clientele) at hh.
another present. this hello kitty thing is getting out of control now haha. once you have “a thing” it just takes over, that’s why some weirdos have like 300 trolls in their office cubicles people get obsessed with your collecting and think they’re helping when really the person is thinking you could take all those trolls and buy me a laptop instead. those are the telepathic messages i am sending out into the ether now.
went upstairs to scope out the roof to see how much ikea i can fit up there. it needs to be cleaned. do you think we can have everything cleaned and ready and assembled by friday? and by we i mean teacher because i am not doing a thing because i am exhausted and a lazy princess. i’m going to post a bunch of shots to embarrass and shame us into tidying we’ve been messier than usual lately.
that table came with the deck cos they put it together up there and it won’t fit through the door, way to go genius. hmm. i’d like a big ass ottoman type cushioned thing in a corner spot. is it smarter to mix and match or buy an entire set? are you glad that date machine is dying a defiant slow death and this is turning into domestic molestic bliss now?
see the lighter pink on my fingers now scroll back to the top, different shade of pink. melodie took my bottle of guava to paris with her, the other colour on my fingers seen here. it suits her more, on my just washes me out as well as makes my fingers look too tanned and dirty.
have been on a chianti kick for awhile. typically i do this until i’ve tried every single one at the lcbo worth buying, capping it off with a vintage or two then move on to the next kind of red which i think will likely be pinot noirs, maybe a baco or two as well if we have enough time. i am a wine snob.
my belt is twirled over. it’s the manchester in us that makes us highlight the negatives/flaws constantly. i hate it. like if you point out you’re tired looking in a photo then the viewer is like, oh, yeah, thank YOU for pointing that out. burn. maybe if you don’t mention it they won’t notice.
like, please ignore my middle finger. no way in hell you’re doing that now. yeah this bracelet is not for me, going to exchange it when teachy gets home. i’d wear this but not very frequently. i like stuff i’ll get more mileage from. i am spoiled and i know i deserve it.
mel and i vibed out this hipster photo shoot, they cut it wicked short. my zoom-ins were all of the ground and the brick wall, here is a closer look. i’ve seen the long haired around town, mel’s like, yeah i think i know a girl who f–ed him. awesome. i also captured the airplane.
they saw us watching when mel approached, we should have stared down at them from the roof for ultra awkward. hipsters vibing out hipsters. never-ending and no we cannot all get along. unfortunately.
if you’re too lazy to get off the couch to stretch or perform any sort of exercise, do it on the couch then. here i’m not actually doing anything though.
this looks like it was survivor night, yup it was. today is also survivor night. i am friends with tv again. just in time for oprah to pack’er in no!!!!
uhhhhh oh yeah i was hugging the cat. well, surrounding her like a cave trap. she loves me and purrs instantly when i cuddle her like no one has bothered to in 13 years. she is nameless. sometimes called barfer. the other one is called garbage cat (she came from the garbage and looks like it ahahahahaha) but the latest name for her is LADY GARBAGE. ahahaha i am losing my mind from my period i think or this is just how i am now at 28. great!
i haven’t done laundry in so long when will i ever get to wear those pants again? i just visited the tickle trunk. more like the tickle DUMP but anyway, yeah, i have a lot of spring ceaning in my future and trinkets to get rid of. i am going to take it all to bellwoods and lay it on a blanket and lie there like a lazy hippie until it’s all gone. i’ll let you know what that day is, you should bring all your junk too and then we can build a junk landscape overtaking the park it would be amazing.
my floor sock balls make me laugh. there is no doubt that i have been in a place cos all of my discarded clothings are left exactly where i left them, shoes taken off so fast it looks like a person dematerialized into thin air hours later go back and the shoes have not moved. i picked up bad habits from melucas. i hope mel is having an awesome time in paris right now i’m jealous. or jalouse.
i am even skinnier than this today. i can’t shake my cough i hope i’m not sick again i’ve felt nauseous all day. right now i’m drinking gingerale and veg broth and pretending i am fasting still, and living in a forest where they drink broth of leaves and branches.
even though it’s cruel to de-claw cats, think her life would improve for the better as she’d get more hugs and cuddles from me, which is probably selfish of me (definitely) but ultimately no it’s not, if a cat wants to be hugged maybe it should take into consideration other people’s feelings of not wanting to be stabbed by razor snake teeth sharp claws. who is the cruel one now? ok i think i have bored myself sufficiently enough for the time being now i will go make myself useful elsewhere like on my mom’s facebook wall.
i was drunk pretty much immediately. colleague doesn’t drink. where’s your booze ticket dude? he’s all i dunno? WHAT!? def sign of a non-drinker if you’re so caj about a drank ticket like that, that’s post-work golden ticket. i almost pitched a psychotic drunkahol fit. no kidding. i just have social anxiety and didn’t bring my invisibility cloak.
beet salad. i can eat this. love beets. one time i was consuming nothing but bananas and tea (i was a rake) and my blood test (physical) came back that i had a lot of potassium in me, which of course made me paranoid that i was a living bomb and might blow up so then i was afraid to eat bananas so now i wonder what kind of WMD i’ll be with whatever the fancy technical term for beets is. must wikipedia. ok i just did and was bored instantly, why can’t they tell me at the top what beets are good for?
these women did not want to be involved with these shots. when you’re going pro (camera-hamming) and have news reporter hair people believe you’re actually i dunno, legitimate? so it’s funny. guys relax this is just going on my little-o-blog thing, you know, it’s just a little hobby no biggie hahaa.
it was funny that i actually received about an inch of wine like how i would treat myself to a cheat during my cleanse with my poverty-style portions and then my first night out i get a restricted (private party) amount just like home.
i was like just throw me one over the pass and then i saw kitchen hearts melt cos i was speaking industry lingo (that i learned from hell’s kitchen ahaha).
why the concave in the bar like that is it for server trays? surely there is a functional purpose for it other than helping showcase the beautiful slender what is my hand.
this will be a great date bar. if you hate each other it can be over easy, lets just have a glass and if we like each other it turns into snacks. in a restaurant setting it’s way more of a commitment which is why idiots always suggest coffee, one foot out the door before they even meet you. so tasteless. i might be too old-fashioned for this world.
it’s hard to model in front of scumbags so i had to make smug face to mask my shyness. i hate that people with mean faces aren’t actually mean, they’re just shy. can you make more of an effort please you’re vibing the rest of us out and making everybody uncomfortable. sounds like it’s time for a raymetiquette post.
the longer my hair the longer people listen to me. she has very long hair so i listened to her big time. i don’t write the rules guys that’s just how they be. melodie has short hair now, i stopped listening to her ages ago hahaa.
i HATE the cut of this shirt on my arms. i will never get over those pythons despite being toneder than ever. i am enjoying my leg definition. every time i go into TMR everybody comments on my results. kash said i have “the line” it goes all down my thigh. i thought my legs were totally in shape and perfectly sculpted to begin with. they were but i certainly didn’t have no skinnay lines going down my thighs like a junky’s jowels in the face.
i looked like beautiful shit yesterday (allergies are ruining my life). doesn’t transfer into pics but in real life it always amazes me the days i go out like princess slob garbage those are the days i come home egotistical as ever cos dudes are like, i want that slob princess for my basement dungeon right now.
new polish. it’s called cupid. it was the last one and is actually different from all my other various shades of barbie hello kitty mental problems pink.
teacher brought me to dinner on the danforth to celebrate my finger painting show and tell yesterday. haha. so cute. he gave me good pointers before my talk, saying that once you stand up in front of kids, if you’re a visiting speaker they just assume you are an expert and know what you are talking about, which shot the nerve jangles right outta me.
this cake was bland. i’m glad they didn’t drown it in chocolate sauce, number one cake saver (bland hider). it was taken off the bill. i didn’t intend for that to happen we were mellow just hanging with our drinks. fine by me, make it free. we only ate 1/5 of it. it sat on our table while we chatted and i’d scrape slivers from it and be disappointed every time, normally i oprah my way through food.
guinness cake. oh i get it it’s look like a pint of guinness! i proclaimed, teacher goes OHHH now I just got it! we were sitting in the smart section obvs.
i needed a grandma-appropes picture. keeping the tradition alive. i am also really into my i don’t give a shit outfits lately, why bother? you can tell i am getting more arrogant the sloppier i dress. the more i try hard, the fatter i am (or feel). so if i dress like tracey with perfectly done hair and running shoes with fitness pants, it means i think i look really good. husband bait.
lisa has a gorgeous clutter-free room. it’s like a show room in the design center. passing through it to the pisser or balcony i was like, k i’ll take that throw, lamp and chandelier. do you remember my chandelier joke, speaking of? ok here it is get ready.
i want to crouching tiger hidden dragon these trees so bad. teacher hasn’t seen that movie. he hasn’t seen anything. i have no idea what the hell he was doing before me.
wicked. turns out i knew lisa’s roommate. i’m all hi nice to meet you i’m lauren she’s all, hey i recognize you, yeah? me too. aren’t you, raymi? ding ding ding. bitch i’m so famous i get recognized in your how-ooose!
lisa thinks this house or their floor was for mafia daughters. it is totally daughter of privilege seeming. it has a bidet in the bathroom, that’s made of marble. yeah. i think mc hammer was their designer. when he went bankrupt they showed his ugly ass house every inch slabbed in marble. i like that my brain hangs on to things like that. at the end of the day i am the better story teller than all the other bloggers, we try to dissect and analyze this blog success thing all the time and then i’m like i dunno, it’s cos i was just here longer i guess but no, colleague says it’s my writing and memory recall. clients are astounded when they read their advertorials that i remembered everything they said. i bumped in to one the other day and he gushed all over me about my writing. hmm. maybe i should focus on that more. maybe? my priorities are so straight haha.
reward. they look so big in my hand. i do have small hands for a girl of my height and overall, size? slightly under-proportion. meh. i go to teacher here’s a picture to satisfy you’re pedophiliac desires (jokes!) and then i show him this, see, see how big they look in my hands? suffice it to say he was expecting a way sexier picture than this with a build-up like that. you were at a high school today, come on. DUDE SO WERE YOU LIKE EVERYDAY WTF.
i will be teaching a business class today wearing this. i’m goin’ miss smith on ‘em. ya right no way as if i have the nards to wear that i’ve been to this school i know what i’m signing up for. when i used to do presentations (all the time cos i’m a talker and the nervous teacher would let me take over for her) it wouldn’t take long until i was abusively snapping back at all the general kids (business wasn’t offered as an advanced course in grade ten or there was some reason why i didn’t take it and chose the business for dummies credit, i figured out a loophole) talking during my shitty presentation. this one kid had it coming though, when the bell rang i casually sauntered over to my brother, before turning over my shoulder in class to ***** and saying, you’re f–d now and meant it too. my brother made him kneel in the snow in front of everybody out front smoking and apologize to me. nobody screws with the whites. this was back in bully times and this kid antagonized all the nerds and i was sick of defending them so i decided he needed a lesson. in short, today i will not loose my cool if someone talks over me i’ll just be like, yeah i’d like fries with that thanks.
the teacher said that to one of his students, he’s like, one day in the future you’re going to ask me a question and the answer to that question is, yes, i would like fries with that. now the guy is a top student of his ha. nice.
someone was showing off large time in their pink pants. she matched her throw and painting. i liked it a lot. matching surroundings is one of my favourite past times. THEME WEAR OMG THRILL ME! like, obviously i am going to dress like every educational cliche in the book today or fast times at ridgemont high, drew barrymore in never been kissed hahaha endless possibilities. outfit comes first, lecture, secondary. yeah yeah kids what? advertising, influence, e-commerce, huh? shh not important, look at the sparkly pink dress i wore to this event once SHHHH LISTEN TO ME!
last night was fun. hope you enjoyed being confused by it in photos. lisa made us hummus and a beautiful salad, we brought a dufflet cake. i am classy like that. invite me over and i will bring something high-tea appropes. ok here are some more pics now.
look at my nails. have to redo them before i go, don’t want kids seeing anything less than perfection. i haven’t totally prepared anything to say yet i’m just going to walk in there and be like this school prepared me for life so pay attention shitheads. nah i’ma walk in like this.
NOW look whatcha made me do i put on my leather jacket. y’all f-d now. next i’m sitting down and putting my COWBOY BOOTS UP ON THE DESK SO YOU KNOW I MEAN BUSINESS. (i couldn’t find that picture).
replete with rat tail. i sweat like mad in my sleep so that’s what’s up right now i’m not gonna tracey quaf it then i’ll have to start makeup base all over again and i’ll look like a pumpkin. orange county pumpkin. oranges and pumpkins. that’s a good fall cocktail.
my first hamburger in weeks. i ate it like a raccoon. my ex’s ex is the first one to ever take note of the interesting way i eat. i’m passionate to say the least, in every thing that i do. you should see me brush my teeth.
the sun was in my eyes and i have camel toe. i ran out of underwear. i am living like a child of divorce, my stuff is everywhere and it’s driving me crazy again.
ten minutes later this place was slammed. prior to it, the patio was the only favoured spot. supper time was upon us. we ate then drove to burnoutington.
i like a nice skunky beer when i’m hung. but now i like kronenburg more, stella skunked me right out. i don’t typically drink beer, a tidbit of which culminated in a blitzkrieg when i visited t-bay, drankin’ my white wine spritzers and shit out of the back of a car. i got in many fights picked with me, which i took on for toronto’s honour. next time i’ll punch someone and go YOU GOT G20’D BITCH don’t f- with people from toronto! (stole that joke from evan) can’t wait to see you again steffy!
i am nervous. maybe i’ll just keep drinking and smoking and smoking and drinking that will solve everything then jump out of the window even though it’s on the ground floor like the lion when the wizard spooks him.
oh this just reminded me i need to email that girl re: sleigh bells. i am taking a herd there. when i arrived to derek’s first not one of my PBC were there yet so i was han solo. i brought a bottle of jameson’s for derek because i am classy, left it in the freezer. he texted thanking me for coming but i didn’t reply i’m pissed at his tall asshole friend who looks like my old shrink, he left before me and i wanted to split a cab in the scary unfamiliar junction.
getting princessier. you would barf if you were privy to behind-the-scenes action. it is reality tv worthy. maybe we should film redecorating the rooftop, i might need to get a switch of some sort and a pointing wand. yes, i need a wand. several.
hahee not my penmanship. you shoulda seen the one i got the first week, it had a key attached to it. i texted a photo to all my friends AHHH LOOK WHAT IS GOING ONNNN!
i look like i am wearing a weird wig. ok i am appropriately freaking out i have to go prepare something now.
here’s ANOTHER music video i am in at the dakota tavern (i am more hipster than you)(omg no i am not a hipster)(haha). v briefly though, wayne gretzky’s dad is in it!
can you spot the brunette raymi? i am wearing this (humiliating video).
rocky is my little sunshine pants face. so, now you know. tucker max apparently talks to his dog in a baby voice too, unashamedly so. you need to witness my mother and i actually all of the kerouacs chillin’ with animals. it’s something.
a pre chill-out drank at the slye. i said a lot of snotty girl things shawn’s like WOW you are such a bitch ahhahaa. overlooking the menu i muttered hmm slye dogs or something, so, trash. the hankerchief set it off superbly. i was trying to make everyone as uncomfortable as possible. excuse me peasants, you disgust me.
as usual, there was no plan or organized thing, maybe swiss chalet? maybe a drink at swiss chalet? no i do not f–ing think so. so i figured out the fastest most efficient way to get everything without my brother’s delicate patience being blown and how to save/make the party that my mother and nana were both incapable of deciding on their own, happen. no one is good at planning and putting into practice in my family. last mother’s day nana almost kiboshed swiss chalet entirely or that was two years ago, can’t remember anyway something annoying always goes down so i’m on the phone here with my mom being like LOOK what is the plan if i go and grab a bunch of food and shit and nana and papa aren’t even back yet, can you, can you just please tell me what to do here AGHHH EXLPOSION!!!!!! BOOM!
i figured it all out over a half pint of labatt blue light and some ridiculous excuse for thai chicken bites. why do you think breading things makes them tastier? do you want everyone to die prematurely? stop it pubs!
bro and i used to play badminton back here til we’d lose every ball and cock (ha) then resort to sneaking off to the park or playing nicky ninedoors. or some asshole shit. we were always punk kids.
i bought her that gold bottle two christmases ago from one of those old lady stores in the mall all full of crap like this. where is the nana store? usually upstairs across from bikini village, in the shitty stores no one shops at district. i know me my malls. thanks mom.
i sent this to teacher as he was at his mother’s sighing profusely moonily over me. do you want some coffee? sigh. lauren likes coffee. AHHAHAHAhA anyway he goes HOW DO YOU KEEP GETTING HOTTER? he bought me another present too and is currently DTD (it’s a PA day) with his colleagues and then lisa is making us dinner and having us over at her patio tonight yay life!
gave mom that weird camera i won at high tea and a $50 bay card. she said she’ll get a new purse with it i said mom only fat girls get purses, that’s what they resort to. purses and shoes. those are privilege items. hmmph. plus she has so many purses already. such a waste.
talking at my old high school tomorrow. yes, as we see here clearly this is part of the recipe to online success. stupid pictures of yourself in photobooth.
i told my nana i’d get a nose job yesterday. my mom thinks i’m going to get my tits done now what? where is this shit coming from other than probably the truth? hahaha.
i bet some of my girlfriends would just love to be able to talk to their soap star character “friends”. i overheard steffy goes shit like “oh i BET you do” while watching her stories. gahahahaaha aw. that stuff is SOOOO boring to me it’s a wonder my life imitates one on the internet.
i look like a bitch i used to know, not saying who, bet she reads this. hi there if you think on a good day many years ago you looked like me in this photo and two, you are a bitch then yes, it’s true, i think we look the same here.
