• christmas 2011

• body proud,
• bunny angora,
• burlesque blog,
• elfettes,
• pastel supernova

Go long!

Melodie!

Fun night on the toooown.

Hanging with Melodie and the fruits of our conversation hangout drinking pints labour I equate to an afternoon at OCAD or something. There are funny people in this city and we are two of them.

Super meaningful gift from my sister.

Gwen Stefani bathroom if No Doubt never took flight.

She insults every facial pose I have. Melodie has a princess hate-on. It is always war.

Taro! Light delish and what hipster nachos come from.

Taro nachos at gladstone we flirted with all three servers (girls) cos they could tell we were their kind of retarded, one even brought out a taro for us to see where these chips come from. I caught Mel up in all things Raymi. She said I was calm. Bahaha. A calm mania.

Melodie has come to the light side and when we were chirping all night long and she started in on calling me a princess I just stared at her blonde hair and kept ripping right back in to her. We had lots of bones to pick and are kind of addicted to fighting. We went to her local punk bar cos it was Oi night. I put on my docs. My Fred Perry shirt would have been trying too hard. I def ditched this coat too.

Oh pouter. Teacher wants to move/rotate that couture painting so I think we should give it to Hailey. Giving stuff away from the house is so dirtbag but she loves all my hipster stuff. I am going to give Hailey a garbage bag full of stuff I never wear I bet my mom will go through it with her like wolves. Cannot wait. Teach got her a bag aww.

Ska minx nails in this bathroom would be a nice picture.

Christmas cards make me feel like I have accomplished something in life, track and field ribbons?

Cute. Love you dudes. Your Christmas card is this photo of your, christmas card.

This shirt is still kickin it. Casie has one too. I’ll dig up that post of us at the metropolitan partying in our hotel rooms in our matching gear.

B+.

Much better.

Adventurehouse!

My old foyer/vestibule.

We liked her hair. Melodie and I chat-bomb strangers or shy cuter younger girls who stare dopily at us (or me)(mostly me I am the prettiest)(god you know I am joking right) and then we are like hi and they are like hey and then that’s about it, I take a picture and give them my calling card and then the Raymi Army grows one Hello Kitty ruby point larger.

Cornering them on the stairs is a good tactic. I am also a fan of the fly-by compliment. I like your hair works as well as, I used to have your hair.

Mel looks like ageyness deyne now. Is that how you spell it?

Bechnique is presently battling the jungles of Texas. Are there jungles there? Anyway I look forward to my new rattlesnake head snow globe very soon. Do not smash it on the way here. She also said rattle snack gallbladders get ground up for their special properties. America is a weird place.

Red light, another vortex. It was a goodbye best friend toilet paper night.

My head is the shape of an alien acorn. I jumped on Melodie’s bed and declared that I was an acorn. I waited in silence and no laugh. Fuck you guys! I mean Merry Christmas and good luck.

(Dad this blog title is for you).

HI BEST FRIEND TOILET PAPER.

117. Do I have to make a video to prove that now too?

Ah gad. You can pay by debit now. I am going to order so much shit now. I have never had a credit card in my entire life. I am a baby infant why do you even read this thing?

I am on a strict fast food diet and I highly un-recommend it. I wonder what garbage we will feast on today.

I have the most crazy insane story to share about a woman who screamed at me all dinner long at shoeless joe’s and threw food at me, she was drunk and insane, but that sneaky kind of insane when you’re not sure and in the end you figure it out. I was fuming and starving. Would you tap a sleeping lion? Well she did. I had been getting slammed all day by haters then we went to that garbage restaurant to slum some wings even though the last time we were there we were so humongously dissed I told the owner’s wife we were SO not coming back and meanwhile the guy is playing pool and watching this entire shit going down and doing nothing. I didn’t flip out because I knew she’d skip out on her tab so i gave her my card and said I might write about this incident and you might learn something about it, she was screaming at me that I was a whore, a stripper, my hair dye job made me a zanza (she meant zanzibar the strip club) we stayed in the bar vicinity longer while I screamed at her like Skeletor that I would destroy her and she fucked with the wrong woman. She is the one who should have been evicted, it was a pride war too like I am not leaving this booth that I love because of you so that’s why the yelling was prolonged and I inevitably had to cave. COOL SERVICE! I thought about how violent and lippy I could get without being charged. She THREW FOOD AT ME and then said I threw food at her, we had no food to throw and didn’t even get drinks yet. Impossible. I didn’t make a stink to get anything comped from that owner cos I knew I would rip them to pieces on the internet instead. I was seething and shaking with rage all the while this piece of human garbage (who turns out left behind jail papers, IS a thief) spat vitriol at me and made us afraid like the dude she was with might beat us up, or take Teacher and therefore I couldn’t spit on her. She had her pint in her hand and I knew she would slosh it on me, she held it wobblingly menacingly. I was like is this happening?

We went to the other side of the restaurant and she continued her tirade. She was on a date in there earlier, that dude left (rejected) and she cozied up to a stranger, desperate and gross, who was rubbing her fat stomach that was out in the open when we sat down by mistake right there and she looks over at me sneers and says JEALOUS!? In this drunk and skanky sailorette voice. I stared fire at her while she continued talking at me. I was rage level starving already and we had a nice walk over together and were happy about our decision to drink hurricanes on wing night.

And I actually wasn’t going to write about this incident because I have been shrouded in negativity lately it is making me sick. I live tweeted all of it cos I was just flabbergasted. A lush came in, her kind of person, they shake hands and then I watch and hear her loudly cuss me out to this new guy. Unbelievable. No one is doing anything. I already know and have a complex that I set people off. I already screamed at her that she was a cunt and should do some sit ups and to KEEP EATING (she had food all over her mouth) and got up in her face, a table of frat boys all got up to watch it, it felt like the restaurant was on our side but I wasn’t sure because still no one was intervening other than the bartender, and just barely.

And so, like in every situation like this, I turned in to my brother. I slipped my last business card in to my pocket, I went to the bathroom, I informed teacher I had some unfinished business to attend to. You do not fuck with the minx and get away with it. I wasn’t entirely sure I was going to do this and all signs pointed to danger and red flag but I am not a pussy, I was shaking from nerves and adrenaline while I washed my hands in the sink in that shit hole bathroom. I walked up to them, pressed my card into the bar in front of her and said now I may write about this blabbity blah and I’m better than a stripper I am a burlesque dancer. The dude had already apologized to Teacher in the bathroom, I made him follow along behind to investigate, so I walked back to our table, took a deep breath, turned around and marched over to her. She had her pack of smokes in her hand put it down, picked up my card and smushed it into her dip. She was previously making fun of me saying I was a writer.

So, I said in to the back of her head You should totally read it, I’m not sure exactly because I was in the middle of punching her! The very thing I didn’t want to do. It was a teeny charlie horse, meant to be a tap like hello because she didn’t look at me once but was going bwah bwah bwah or something. The beauty was, everyone ignored that I did it but so must have known. She went bananas of course but no one had her back, like I knew they wouldn’t. She screamed for a solid ten minutes all kinds of hysteria about me to the bartender while I watched smugly from the diningroom and every time she barked at or lunged toward me I cupped my hand to my ear and pretended I was deaf and confused. And then they dragged her ass out of there. And then they brought her papers over and I took multiple photos of it and then my server said who cares I am quitting after the holidays. At certain points I was mulling over whether we would dine and dash but I didn’t want to screw over this kid. So I gave him a big tip instead.

Don’t scream obscenities at people in restaurants and leave your jail papers behind. Teacher said to her to get some self esteem, she was queen of the bar before we arrived and then felt threatened, I didn’t even have a chance to give her stink eye, my ass was not in the seat 2 seconds (I am not even exaggerating) before she screamed JEALOUS!? at me.

Then I went home to more haterade from the internet and woke up to some more too.

Peace!

Stella took me for a walk cos she was going cuckoo over all this judgment from the cats and it was making her stir crazy and like, they don’t know her man! If she wants to laze around all goddamn day and talk about herself then that’s her choice and every right. So, we hit the road. Also mommy was out of coffee.

Prepare for battle.

Stella sensed this was going to be a longer walk than just the typical sprint around the park, which it was going to be initially til I got outside and realized how humid it was. I brought my umbrella and it only started down-pouring once we were on the last sidewalk stretch home.

I saw her butt pucker and knew it was time for the magic to happen.

Haha yuppies, I didn’t clean up after her cos I noticed a HUGE GIANT PILE beside her so out of spite I left it be. She went again on Queen street and I picked it up cos there were witnesses. A lot of dog people do not pick up after their dogs I think it is kind of like picking your nose ahaha I dunno, I don’t care and if you have a problem with it, bleh. I pick her shit up more than I don’t it’s just once in awhile who cares, winter is here.

At least I admitted it. Oooh those nails. Fierce.

See how I can’t walk in a straight line to the Gladstoner? when we are degenerates late for brunch we have to drag and walk each other over like total babies in gale force winds that swoop this street, walk in the opposite direction of the gladstone and then back again. It’s not long but when you like shortcuts and can see it RIGHT THERE and you are starving your balls off and totally hung and yeah, lazy sloth problems. It makes that breakfast english muffin that much more delicious though. Oh and half my friends can never remember how to get to where we live cos they usually come over pisswasted at 2 in the morning by trolley car cab drunk vortex who even knows and when they leave are like, where am I?

Condos sprouting up all around us. I like this one it’s so sleek and green and empty-looking. People who live in condos are usually not standing in the windows of them for some reason. Out working, paying off those mortgages or something.

I looked stupid and I could barely see and I got stared at a lot cos of the camera around my neck or because I looked like I was incogneato. Did you like my pun? I thought that up when I was under the Duff bridge.

I have to kind of drag her at this point because she does not like to leave the yuppie bubble. Peopl with dogs get stared at extra because you are two moving somethings coming down the street and I’m normally a stared-at object anyway because, just because okay, and then Stella sprints off terrified and neurotic cos I am the only one who walks her (on these longer excursions) and I have no idea how to even take care of myself and am not a dog person so we are a walking spectacle of stupid. It is a nice life.

Sometimes I have to pretend to be blind to get out of trouble with her. I always force walk ourselves in to places we shouldn’t be and she cannot relax. This corner of Dufferin and Queen is in particuar, hell. There is no room on the sidewalk, and if I am coming back from that side of Parkdale oh you can for-fuckinget anyone giving a shit about me and my poor dog on the sidewalk. It can get scary. No one moves out of my way if I am walking up that hill because they are at the front of the bus line and HATING LIFE. The Sufferin bus is called that for a reason. So I have to walk on to the road and dodge possible bikes and cars swerving to and fro because civilians will not move for me. Should I write a letter to the Mayor? Hi Rob, remember me? You did tell me to drop by City Hall at some point/ anytime.

Ha.

We keep our cool and let them see us for a bit, then we go fuck this and part our way through politely.

Some people are afraid of dogs, I think we look pretty friendly.

Stella is more afraid of them. Out of that clustery intersection she gets a bit better.

But mostly not really, she speeds up and we walk at a good marchy clip. Lots of people smile at her, we clothesline them, they still smile. Everybody just wants to interact in the isolating city I think and a dog is a connector, a pipeline to making that happen and I see that people appreciate it, even when we strangle them with her leash and shit in their storefront plant beds. Stella & Raymi 2011 FTW! Do you think this would make his ex-wife insane?

Someone has to walk her and give her love. Someone said that I was selfish. Pfft. Dogwalkers get paid. I pick up her shit for free. That is love. If teacher is with me I do not pick it up. I stand there and make funny commentary while he does.

Almost there. Today we are walking to Starbucks at Dovercourt because we didn’t feel like going to Liberty Village. We talked it over and decided it would be simpler to just walk to Dovercourt. We also have to remind ourselves to write to Tassimo and suck up for more inserts so that we don’t have to go on another coffee dog walk again for a few weeks.

What?

My Durex ad was filmed in/up there, third floor left window, it looks out to the bridge and the Go train going by and car alarms messed with filming, well, temporarily paused it. That ad is still playing all over the webs.

Those are the funniest unsafest looking cars ever. No thanks. Maybe once to film it and make fun of it and get baked and be like woah a bubble that is moving but then it would go horribly instantly awry cos I’d have an anxiety attack from the enclosed space and scared from the teeniness. Don’t you agree?

Ok lets get through these it’s dark now and I am hungry.

What is the name of this bar?

I like their decorative junk.

There were lipstick lesbos in the window so then I sang that out loud lesbeeeee-ins, in tha win-doe! Well on my way home I did cos they were still there. I had a skip in my step cos the fresh air did me some good brain mojo. The dog was soaked and muddy.

And hating absolutely all of this. She’s gotten chubbier ever since Jenny told me she was too skinny and I stopped running with her to the park so that’s double bad. I don’t care if you hate this lazy ass you are a dog and dogs walk and if the dog whisperer were here he’d whisper all kinds of crazy.

Nice work.

Stella is too cool for the Beac.

Oh the stories out of this place. Every loveable degenerate louse friend of mine has a funny anecdote about The Beaconsfield I think it will be a holiday tradition at least at one point to get trashed here as friends I don’t want to know my name anymore that’s how trashed. Effective signage Beacsters.

Too cool for here too but I have trained Stella to slow her roll when we jog by to check and be checked out by smooth patio criminals when it’s patio season.

Interesting and good to know.

Sometimes she is a little reindeer, cow coloured reindeer. She gets spottier in the winter Teacher said. Ok sure whatever.

Not today Stella I can’t tie you up without it being a big deal, we are going out for coffee and that only. I have done ZERO Christmas shopping. Teach is late so I bet he is buying me a present right now.

She went again. I picked it up this time.

Everything is cool Stella. She made my umbrella knock my coffee all over the place as I untied her and I am pretty sure the starbucks nerds were making fun of me. Once again my many public displays of humiliation courtesy of Stella.

Ahh everything is normal again. A dude I have seen twice out the window doing his laundry passed me in front of 69 vintage and we smiled at each other. I have a street crush on him. He was walking with a crazy person though so it didn’t seem like a good time to talk not that I would. He looked like a hipster in the scene that I am not a part of and his pants are too high, and then I wrote a tweet inspired by his flood pants, which I think are perfect. I also spelt problems wrong in that hashtag and I left it so that my haters can be delighted.

I wished I could capture my reflection better because this conceited walk is half about me too, it’s not the Stella show all the time.

I’ve never drunk in this bar. I went on a date with the guy who does or did their karaoke though. I can’t handle moustaches that aren’t attached to beards, he looked like a hipster John Leguizamo devil. We were equally disinterested in one another.

LOVE pastel rainbow colours. I spelt that Raymbo by mistake.

Creepy, dirty, dusty, uninspired.

I will be the judge of that. I think that’s Nunu’s sister who runs this ethiopian joint.

I looked like an Amish billy goat gruff wizard ahh cool. I like being a reject.

Almost home dude. That handful of dog food I give you will taste extra delicious.

The new Duff bridge is very european and a major RIDE trap. The skate park pipes beside it is pretty neat and nice of the city to do that.

I don’t want to know what goes on in there.

Someone got towelled off and the fire flipped on who’s a goofy stooge. I hope she doesn’t barf this year everyone overfeeds her cos she does stupid eyes on them and my nana could not stop giving her food and I know that I sure as hell will be binge eating my face off. Merry Christmas everyone I am going to be violently ill now. Avoid turkey skin, which, I can’t.

I had eyebag potion on beneath my glasses the whole time and no you can’t see it.

I better write a christmas list. Or figure out the ultimate store to get everyone gift certificates from and soon.

And vacuum that glitter up. Bechnique wants to hang tonight.

Which means tomorrow will be a write off. It’s ok a lot of stuff is popping up and it’s good to chill when I can. Not that I do. My blog will be revamped soon I am excited for that! Talked to Bryan about it today on the phone.

Ok princess dirtbag time now bye bye!

• queen west,
• rob ford

Kay so this dude, a teacher dude, scholarly professor type (educators seem to be a big Raymi Groupie subset of people) taught a portion of his course on me some time ago (yes for real). I don’t know anything about school (was that the right terminology, course?) because I am the golden child who has floated in a cloud bubble blogging from outerspace free of having to learn anything more, we cannot possibly teach her anything more! Is what they said, set her free in to the world and we will study her instead!

And that, Little Raymis, is what they did.

__________________________

Hullo Raymi,

Sorry to take so long answering your question; got a little caught up on a project. So, here are the answers to your questions:

>>Raymi: how many students failed raymitheminx 101?

Well, all and none. The class introduced upper class and graduate journalism students to blogging as a medium; they had to create their own blogs to pass, which they all did. By a coincidence, all the students were female. All of them envied you your voice; you have an unmistakable style as a writer, a photographer, and — unusually and interestingly — as a photographic subject. In fact, the only person I can think of who was consistently successful as a model and a photographer was Tina Modotti, who modeled for Edward Weston. So they all passed the class, but I was disappointed that they all chose to do more basic “news” style blogs — they stayed where they felt safe.

>>Raymi: Oooh email the question if u can remember ill get my readers to weigh in, myself included

I do remember the question, partly because I keep asking it as I read you. And partly because there is no “correct answer;” so I change my mind about it all the time:

They all blogged answers. Suffice to say there was no consensus. I’ve always wanted to hear your answer.

Ok, here goes.

Firstly, I was flattered that they envied my voice, which, truth be told, is addictive cos you keep listening and then I say something deep profound and insane and it takes you away. Maybe if I talked about nicer things with this incredible voice people would be cooler with me?

No Raymi is definitely not performance art, I am a shitty artist. I’m not bad I just half-ass my talent and that’s probably why I didn’t bother with University. I am super lazy and I figured out that being hot would help me get places and do the work for me so I put effort in to that. Call me vain or narcissistic but look at everyone who is famous, are any of them ugly? If they are then they got there someway by perhaps nepotism or they’re just super talented. You don’t need to be all of everything 100% you can have portions of various qualities and smush it all together as one. I pay attention to detail, I am thoughtful, considerate and articulate. I have been on the internet since I was a teenager, ahead of the curve or just right alongside there with the over achievers, and adults.

I am a cunning little minx and everything I have learned I taught myself, that real life experience shit. I chose the other door so, I have spent the majority of my formative life on the internet, more than the average person has. I am conversational on it as a result.

I am fiesty in real life like I am here Raymi and Lauren there is no difference between the two, one just gets a little shier in the limelight. I never stop, this blog does not stop when I am not blogging. I am a thinker and always scheming. I see opportunities in every corner, in every hate email, dance floor moment, person in the street. I take chances and I am fearless when people think I am being crazy and yelling at someone in a bar I have actually quickly on the mark sized up my opponent and methodically calculated that if I pounce there is an overwhelming chance in my favour that I come out unscathed. That is the type of person that I am and it shows on my blog.

My bark has bite and I likely have a teensier bit more testosterone than the average bird so I can make cheeky game moves and because I am an obsessive entrepreneur here I am constantly chugging out material/life/content at a frenetic pace that if that crazy thing I did back there was too retarded, we have already carried on to the next thing.

I am not here to be anybody’s hero other than my own. A lot of people read my blog because I am good at making them stay and come back for more, whatever those polarizing reasons may be, so then I get to say all kinds of verbose ego-stroking things and get shit-faced with my friends and brag about it because I know they’re here watching waiting and loving it. I am not hurting anyone I don’t feel and the more the merrier, I enjoy all walks of life, freaks, geeks, who cares just be nice. I only ever blow up when attacked and/or provoked, which is constantly.

In summation, the only time this is performance art is when I go out and conquer a fear even though I am shy and dying inside I force myself so that I can blog it because I would hate the type of person I’d be if I was afraid all the time and you don’t get anything done that way. There is a reason people get rewarded for public speaking, or paid to do it, all kinds of bloggy things out there. Diva Raymi is real too, that’s who I am right now. I’m a showgirl, an originator and entertainer, nice to meet you.

I created this monster and now I must slay it!

Remember this comment from this (NO BIG DEAL) post, well she just emailed! When it rains garbage in the form of “two cents” it pours. I wrote to her email the following ten days ago:

Dear hypocrite

xo rlw

And now, 10 days later, she feels like responding:

Wow! I’ve read the comments on your post since I commented and people are saying this is your sense of humour, but I don’t get it!

You just seem mean to me!

What did I do to you? I was only (so I thought) trying to defend a graphic designer. Was my comment really that ridiculous. Sheesh!

I guess when you’re ranked so highly (whatever 11k means…) you don’t need to be nice to people who read your content and try to offer feedback.

Sorry if my comment offended you, I was only trying to stick up for an artist. (Again, I didn’t know he was your friend).

MY REPLY:

You made a dig and i reacted accordingly. all’s fair in blog and war, and you made a swipe, on my platform.

sidenote, hes my colleague, all men i work with in some capacity have a raymi crush and i treat them like dirt to keep them at a distance in order to protect myself. sometimes public punishment is required in good fun and is part of raymi the minx. its a dog eat dog world and competitive industry, a chip is required on one’s shoulder and trust me i get it all back in spades (the “mean”) so when shit is flung (which you did) at me i definitely bite back. I work very hard but unfortunately in my field that apparently warrants daily abuse which I refuse to swallow. You were a bitch, the end. You fell in to the minx trap cos you’re a noob hi welcome to the internet and you should learn about internet rank before trying to rip me an asshole or school me and then act innocent.

Oh and by the way, I’m in the 10k rank spot now baby and have been for a week.

Thxkaybye!

+++++

HATERADE EMAIL PERSON NUMBER 2

and then this white trashole fought with me while I was tired and recovering on the couch all night long, I found her (or his?) email buried in my inbox, never fear little buddy Aunt Raymi is here to give you the attention you so desperately need!

Hmmm. So you’ve been blogging for over 10 yrs yet this chick linked below has been doing it for only around 4 and has accomplished more than you…. (Considering she is looking for ‘fame’ like you are)

You must be doing something wrong.

Dear PERSON WHO IS SO TOTALLY OBSESSED WITH iJUSTINE. (who ripped her name off of iCarly so you are both losers and iJustine is an imitator which, I have many of).

there are billions of internet superstars

i have never heard of her before you so shes not so famous then right?

OH OW I feel like shit now hahaaa loser.

Ok I just read over her wikipedia.

she’s of youtube vlog generation aka internet “tv” which is a different genre entirely. again, nice try. if you are a raymi hater why wouldnt you attack me about something that actually hurts, cos this, doesn’t. and you’re wrong, im on tv you just dont know it yet. burn.

Well I’m no hater and why would i try to hurt someone I don’t even know? I expect an apology. Really there is no difference between you and her since you both post on Youtube and she has a blog as well so I was just asking a question considering the reasons ‘WHY’.. Which are reasons you BOTH SHARE.

*You’re too old to be saying ‘burn!’ to anyone dear.

“fake that day” You wrote to me just to talk deal with your obsessive gushing over this ijustine chick. FREAK I have nothing to do with her. Go talk to your nerd gfs at a slumber party while you pick at your face zits.

and too old? baha I bet I look better than whatever fucking age u are and again she has gone video viral she’s formulaic and trite

Repeat: viral video and american is a whole different ball game now fuck off and leave me alone

I don’t care about steve jobs, I’m not a vlogger for ads, or a dumbass actress stooge who was probably coached through all of this we are totally different so your initial argument is bunk and I have been blogging for eleven years get it right hater, commenter, spectator. Make your own shit or be nice or silent, your garbage is an unwanted joke. Bubbye.

When I said ‘Too old’ I meant most people would expect a teenager to use the word ‘burn!’ as you did.

This Is my last message. Have a good day.

I don’t respond well to swipes which is what it was but anyway its just how I spoke in the moment and I get a lot of hatey shitty so there was no other way to not take that as a dig I didn’t know what u meant fuck christ

MERRY CHRISTMAS THANKS FOR WASTING MY TIME THOUGH ALL OF YOUR EMAILS ARE IMPORTANT TO US AT RTM HQ LITTLE RAYMI TROLLS.

Now, do yourselves a favour and stop worrying about people on the internet whom you have no control over.

Omg what will We eat next!??! Shower time excellent!