last week i bought a nice christmassy package of white chocolate covered marshmallows, i know, yum. in theory. however, they were more like un-yum, not in theory. i don’t know what the hell i was thinking, one easter many moons ago i ate an entire white chocolate bunny and then vomitted all over the tv room carpet at my grandparents.
this is the part where i make a white supremacist joke.
anyway, i forced the kkk candies (hah) on fil and he brought them to work and left them on a co-worker’s desk. this dude always has candy and snacks and treats so all day long fil gets to spy on everyone snacking and makes little pie graphs and measures statistics on people’s habits. the white chocolate marshmallows are not a favourite and i am not surprised.
i gave fil half a bag of bbq fritos i purchased on a drunken whim a couple month’s back cos we were mindlessly ploughing through it and they weren’t very good and every time i put one in my mouth my thighs and ass multiplied by ten. the bag was finished by the end of the work day and fil had to listen to everyone’s crunching.
me: are the marshmallows gone yet
Phil: um… no there are about a third left
me: ew my stomache just rollercoastered
Phil: yes i am starving but even still i wont touch em
merkley???: if you ever say that you like the UK version of the office better than the US version we cant be friends anymore
me: never saw it tho according to fil im suppose to like it better than the US
merkley???: thats why i try not to be friends with fil because i want to like him for your sake
me: dude im canadian, british descent, it’s ingrained and predetermined that i will choose UK over US
merkley???: i’m canadian too
me: not really anymore
merkley???: but i’m not an insecure canadian like you
me: um im not insecure do you mean insecure about being canadian OR insecure BECAUSE i am canadian
merkley???: maybe both defend canada type shit like there is a contest or something
me: canada continually gets slammed andfor no reason and gets zero credit for when it does something, right, or doesit well
merkley???: untrue thats what i am talking about
me: like oh that’s pretty good, for canada i have a feeling im about to start caps lock typing at you so lets not talk about this this arguement will go nowhere and im not insecure regaring anything having to do with canadian
merkley???: that stuff only comes up when some asshole runs around flapping the maple leaf in your face talking shit about the US fine anyway the US version of the off ice is fucking awesome — i just watched the first two seasons its one of the few television shows that actually makes me laugh audibly
me: no canadian would wave their flag in an american’s face why bother
merkley???: i thought you were dropping it
me: well your comment got thru after i had nixed it so i had to have the last word
merkley???: i’m sure you already saw this.. brit’s beav
me: ungh yes and i put it on my blog the day it came out really merkley do you even know me anymore
merkley???: ha ha sometimes i look at the rss feed and there are just too many posts so i get overwhelmed
me: oh well
merkley???: i’m like WHOA 20 entries that doesnt mean i dont like your blog
me: fine
me: im going to post our convo should i leave this out ” merkley???: thats why i try not to be friends with fil because i want to like him for your sake”
merkley???: i dont care
me: ok leaving it
merkley???: its no secret
me: and if he asks illsay merkley brags about only hanging with girls cos he is insecure and doesnt know how to deal with men
merkley???: ha and i just dont have interest in dudes they bore me
me: its cos you feel inadequate
merkley???: but you should also add that i think you and fil are a great match
me: ok
merkley???: bullshit its because i have no interest in sports or talking about how long it took me to grow my beard
me: um thats not what all men talk about and if they do i tune them out until they are finished and then we talk about cervixes HAHa i can see fil asking you that
merkley???: or answering questions about how many of the chicks i photograph i bang or how i get them all to take their clothes off
me: fil wouldnt ask you that but i would well no i wouldnt cos i dont actually care
merkley???: here is my impression of a dude JIM MORRISON!! dude, that beard kicks ass! so how many of those chicks do you bang?
me: oh whatever you love the attention
merkley???: NINERS!!!
me: who are the niners oh san francisco
merkley???: actually i get derpessed about it
me: dude no one fucking cares about san fransisco well you pigeon holed yerself how manytimes do you think i hear shit about my tits like its something new
merkley???: why are you such a dick today?
me: im not a dick am i? sorry i didnt know you were so sensitive
merkley???: i probably started it
me: yeah you did
merkley???: not really but whatever you spoke as a canadian instead of as an individual raymi and i had to set you straight
me: O that is what my mouth looks like right now i do not have the time nor the patience to address this right now
as was expected re: my win, a lot of bitter pieces of shit are coming out of the woodwork. i will restate what i posted on my blog when i decided to finally bring back comments last year, don’t bother leaving me negative jealous comments, seriously, don’t waste my and your time, that’s just sad, i will not publish your comments nor will i acknowledge them.
i don’t know why you feel it necessary to visit some girl’s webpage and give her a piece of your mind, really, how little are you? you’re coming here with the intent to make me feel bad, who even does that? would you go to mcdonald’s and tell one of the cashiers they are contributing to the cruel slaughtering of cows and all that? i find you to be ridiculous and incredibly pathetic.
Neil says: haha when people care enough to diss you – youve made progress
I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF RIGHT NOW COS I JUST SPENT A SOLID TEN MINUTES WRITING A TERRIFICALLY GLOATY ENTRY ABOUT HOW I WON EVERY CATEGORY I WAS NOMINATED IN FOR THE 2006 CANADIAN BLOG AWARDS but then i highlighted and hit PASTE instead of COPY which i always do in case blogger conks out.
anyway i beat everyone, i beat out tallnlucky for best blog and i hope she will still like me and i beat out rick mercer for best humour blog whom i am certain would destroy me fully had he mentioned this blog awards thing at least once HOWEVER i saw him doing some political bullshit on the tv the other day (the tv, how white trash does that sound I LOVE YOU THE WORD THE) and i screamed NOW THAT IS WHY YOU ARE LOSING TO ME YOU PAUPER, YOU SPEND ALL YOUR TIME ON TV NOT ON THE INTERNET HOW DARE YOU EVEN RUN AGAINST ME.
i also swept the fucking floor for best personal blog holy shit 6 years everyone is a mongoloid triple stamped and double stamped it for even thinking they had a chance to take that title from me, no offense you are all boring and yes this is the drink talking this is why i don’t blog past 8pm.
hurray i get to not NOT blog tomorrow and once i come up with an idear for a blog contest i will let you know for the signed copy of marketable depression and i know i said this last year and the contest was for someone to come up with the best business card design for me and they were all garbage, sorry, i take the blame for it cos i failed to clarify that i wanted something professional looking not something out of toy story.
anyway you will have to wait for the book til i get back from new york city, i plan to bring it with me to show at customs for when they ask what i do to assuage my travelling anxieties i figure it’ll help seeing as the first sentence states I AM FUCKING CRAZY AND I DRINK A LOT AND I WISH I WERE DEAD ALL THE TIME…
last nite at gabby’s there was a teen party going on downstairs, it was hilarious to watch on the surveillance camera at the upstairs bar, as the nite progressed we saw humping and fighting, drinking, white kids thinking they are from harlem dancing, chicken wings chowing down and so i go down to use the toilet and these two black girls are in there, i dunno if they were in this group or were just irritated by the party or what but i walk in and initially they are speaking english and then they quickly switch to their native tongue when i go in and are chattering aggressively and i KNOW they are talking about me assuming i’m a party teen or something, i go to the middle stall but there is piss all over it then i go to the one on the left and once my pants are off and my ass is about to hit the seat the girls flick the light switch off and on a few times while they are laughing and then they flick it off and LEAVE ME IN THE FUCKING BATHROOM IN THE DARK and i am just about to enjoy the release of my bladder so i have to snap it off, pull up my pants and go turn the light back on those fucking CUNTS so i turn it back on and open the bathroom door and those girls were gone either up the stairs or somewhere in that party room, so i pee then go up to fil there is no way i am going to go in that room of raging hormones fuck that.
i join fil and begin to tell him about the girls and when i get to the part where i know they are talking about me fil cuts me off and says HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? which really pissed me off cos fil never fucking believes me when i say oh that girl gave me cut-eye or that guy is leering at me or those people are POINTING AT ME and talking about me, he thinks i have a persecution complex.
so i say well i know they were talking about me cos they were laughing AND THEN THEY TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS ON ME AND LEFT THE FUCKING BATHROOM HOLY SHIT.
guys for the most part i have come to realise are pretty much in the dark regarding girl prejudice, which simply put, is the cunty bitch vibe that ladies dish out specially for other ladies, psychological warfare, and yes it is real because bitches are crazy and typically hate one another.
so the next time i get cut-eye and tell fil about it and if he doesn’t believe me i will set him on fire like ok fil you are right i just imagined that every second or third person we passed going to the theatre checked me out my ego is that inflated yes YOU are right those eyeballs I MADE EYE CONTACT WITH were actually looking THROUGH MY HEAD TO THE TREE BEHIND IT my mistake so sorry.
this one wigger fuck had the nerve to lean over the bar and grab a bottle of vodka and luckily one of the bartenders caught him and threw him out cos drunk bravery instantly boiled through my veins left over from those bathroom cunts and being surrounded by under-agers for two hours.
i am reading this book right now and it is fucking hilarious. this is the same guy who also wrote running with scissors which you know is in theatres right now or was, anyway, this book he did first i believe, read it. it will make you do either one of two things 1. drink profusely or 2. quit drinking
it’s black comedy and it took me 40 pages to realise the narrator was gay despite blowjob references on the third page my mind just blocked it out i guess. jared READ IT. it’s 5.99 at chapters/indigo right now hardcover go get it.
