Sabrina: good morning

me: why are u awake
are you still partying

Sabrina: i have been awake since 530
no, i accidentally fell asleep at like 830
and somehow i never heard my phone ring 45 thousand times
but when my first alarm clock went off at 530
i was up

me: ah thats sad
i get angry when i miss things

Sabrina: eh
i am still not drinking this month
so i am not all that sad

me: ok

Sabrina: cause when i go out, i have like two drinks then i am done

me: good for you

Sabrina: this could last into february
and by then i’d probably be as thin as i like to be

me: i cant wait to buy skinny clothes
or wear the skinny clothes i have and just look skinnier in them
ha

Sabrina: hahahaha
i am doing the same shit
my skinny clothes all fit, i can get them on now
but now i want them to be loose
so i might do this into february

me: i want it to look like i am wearing a tent

Sabrina: hahaha
yes

me: droopy baggy sleeves like i am shrinking
like the old people in big top pee wee when pee wee feeds them his magic hot dogs and they turn into kids and go to the circus the end

Sabrina: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
that is my goal.
ok, on that note. i am going to the gym. i’ll bother you later when i am hopefully thinner.

me: good

lohan’s BFF!

naughty tufty squirrel

guy love, scrubs

fil and i were about to head into the magician on sunday nite i was finishing a smoke and this guy a foot shorter than i wearing a total douchebag outfit looks up at me and goes whuuuzaa uhhh huuuh i say pardon me? he goes what’s that thing pointing at his lip and mine simultaneously, clearly he is waaaaysted i say it is a lip piercing he says why? fil goes it’s like an ear piercing you know except on your lip and the dude is still confused and all of a sudden learns how to speak again says WELL IT ISN’T VERY ATTRACTIVE. i just look at fil and then back at the guy and shrug, why bother, the dude is basically a troll, can’t even figure out how to open a door and he is wearing a fluorescent blue fleece piece of shit jacket in the lower east side, how audacious. here are the things i SHOULD have said:

WELL AT LEAST I AM NOT SHORT

WELL NEITHER IS YOUR FACE

those are my two wicked unused burns.

oh wait here is the one JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE IN NEW YORK CITY DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD EXPRESS YOUR OPINIONS ALLOUD EVERYTIME THEY COME TO YOUR FUCKING MIND

and then later on this old hag was hating on fil and i for visitting new york cos apparently we are just like starbuck’s? um sorry new york isn’t one crack den street after another anymore like in the good old 80s or would you perhaps be satisfied with a new jack city vibe, maybe? i tried to tell her that actually i use to live in brooklyn but she kept going on about everything being different now yeah it’s called PROGRESS.

the following is a pictorial representation of the emotions i experienced upon learning that my hello kitty charm fell off was stolen off my purse:

i will spare you from having to see the rest it got a bit messy.

pauly

adam goldberg

me: someone just asked if pauly was my friend samir
is that your friend samir? he looks like that nutso guy from friends that was joey’s new roommate and the one that was on a beautiful mind and also he was crazy on some other show too…i can’t remember. anyhow he looks like him.

lisa: pauly looks like adam goldberg
except he’s not cool because he’s not jewish

me: HAHHAHAHAAH
hes like a pathetic adam goldberg
aw
i didnt mean it

lisa: i mean it

me: tho even adam goldberg is lame
like way lame
so maybe pauly is better

lisa: right but jewish trumps pauly

me: maybe

lisa: totally

me: what is pauly

lisa: well he claims his background is irish
but that would only make sense if ireland was in the middle east
this has spawned many debates amongst our friends
i finally came to the conclusion that he is cajun

me: how come jewish is so cool and how do i get some

lisa: give it up. you are not one of the chosen people and you must accept it, as i have.

me: i have a HUGE nose though

lisa: I’m circumcised
doesn’t make a diff

me: i am just gonna go ahead and tell people i am lithuanian
and speak with a lisp
so when i say it.
yeah you get the idear

lisa: you should have a reverse lisp
so you prounounce it lissuanian
all th’s are s’s

me: yeah if i had a lisp and said lithuanian isnt that already a lispy word?

lisa: right

me: so then it like wouldnt exist
oooh spooky

lisa: so you have to have a reverse lisp

me: and then hamburgers eat people

lisa: you really entered a black hole there

me: i am in a vortex right now sorry

lisa: scuse me, Isaac Asimov i hope i’m not bothering you.

me: nice one though it took you a century to write that one out
and i dont even get it
double oh no

Phil: what’s your mom‘s email address
eh?
hello am i doing this for her or not? [installing a statcounter]

me: luanewrithe@gmail.com is her blog address
do that one cos its the same password
so u can go in

Phil: ok

me: and snoop too!
hopefully she didnt change it yet

Phil: ew no thanks

me: are my moms emails like little pieces of vaginas to you?

Phil: old lady vaginas

me: ok ew

last nite at the bedford beside fil these three BOYS NITE OUT bald nerd asshole dickfucks were having pints and fully ignoring the game and as usual i am mega-eaves-dropping on their shit, it starts with one dude bragging that his girl is all GO, GO OUT GO OUT AND HANG while the other dude counters with well i am not allowed out to which douche #1 restates his hanging-out privileges, he is the baldest most obnoxious dude of the three so it is no wonder his girlfriend is like GO OUT.

and THEN that boston pizza commercial comes on, both of them actually, first the one where the girl is walking through the park and all dudes around her fall down and break shit cos she is suppose to be hot and then she goes to boston pizza (i think the commercial is a continuation thing anyway) and sits down and what with all the beer and pizza and televisions blasting sports no one is paying her attention so she turns off the tvs and then total shit storm havoc ensues, a dude drops his beer it explodes a waitress is thrown into a booth of people her tray goes everywhere people trip over this mess, anyway i love that commercial LOVE IT and so these dudes stopped talking while this commercial is on and then when it was over the most obnoxious one proclaims WHAT THE HELL SHE’S NOT EVEN THAT HOT NOT HOT AT ALL ACTUALLY and then the other guy says YEAH DUDE TOTALLY NOT HOT to which i lean way over and give the majorest stink-eye on the planet and none of them catch it they are still talking about how not hot this girl is and fil is cock-blocking my dirty look.

so then of course my anger transfers to fil he says i shouldn’t get involved and i say oh yes i should these fuckheads are being all masters of the universe and they are shitting on my gender meanwhile they are ugly bald losers and fil said ok ok fine but then the moment had passed. they didn’t seem to get the fact that the girl cast in the commercial is suppose to be natural, under-stated hot NOT pornstar plastic fake tits long fingernails blond extensions hot the thing i mostly wanted to point out was HOW DARE THEY DID YOU FORGET WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!?!?

and then they proceeded to discuss computer video games and pondered what they should like more, art? what’s better to like than art? oh it must be wine yeah we should like wine! hey how about liking stuff cos it interests you not just cos you feel obligated to fit in with a certain type of people FUCK! then obnoxiouslor told this pointless story about how he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt and someone had the audacity to take him for someone who doesn’t make a lot of money then he goes AND THEN I WAS LIKE I MAKE TWICE AS MUCH AS YOU DO FUCKER! then he restated the story to the other guy who was taking money out of the atm then proclaimed we are the bank machine generation HAHAHA and that how would you even get a fake 20 ever unless you paid with a 50 um dude you would get a fake 20 cos “we are the bank machine generation” remember?

then they went across the street to the duke i said to fil i am not above following a pack of dickheads around town all nite long just to confirm that they suck even more, it was a schoolnite though so we didn’t.

i SO hope to bump into them again or that they find my blog. if you know three dicks who went to the bedford last nite tell them to read my blog thanks.

it’s so nice for all of us to discuss the menstrual cycle together i picture us all holding hands right now putting flowers in each other’s hairs. speaking of hair i have gone back to black, the ends of my hair were just too hay garbage dead and the black dye has brought them back from the dead. i would also like to share the special news with y’alls that i have lost 4LBS since monday and i owe all thanks to my period, fil’s fat comment, and starvation techniques. please feel free to imagine me sitting in the back of a convertible slowly cruising through your towns, waving. in case you haven’t figured it out yet the theme of this post is IMAGINATION.

i know i write about crying over stupid things a lot like a snowflake pencil case puppy yawning and it’s true my emotions are set to menstrual-mode i am a super human composite of all the womens from now and then + friend green tomatoes and hope floats.

speaking of hope floats that scene where sandra bullock’s ex husband shows up to give her divorce papers and the little daughter is all DAD I AM COMING WITH YOU and shes’s crying and screaming and as he’s gearing up to reverse he accidentally hits the horn and it scares the daughter and she shrieks EVEN LOUDER hysterically and then he drives off and she cries and screams and moans for two minutes to the entire neighborhood OMFG fil left the hotel to get coffee right when that scene went down and i was sitting on the edge of the bed in a towel with my hands over my eyes and mouth having a crying breakdown i am pretty much the last person you want to pass off a certificate or award at any sort of important function cos everyone will be like who is this stranger crying at my ceremony and why what the hell, as i am slowly backing away into the curtain folds shit.

here is the daughter now who played the crying girl in hope floats, bonus points to anyone who can track down that scene on youtube.

ps. click that ad i have up there please help a mexican out thank you.

this is a very special period i am having, fil made me paranoid that i was pregnant everyday since christmas i have been thinking oh great i am probably carrying a four month fetal alcoholic what looks like the thing that busts out of that dude in total recall. remember christmas nite i was up til 6 or 7am with the chills in pain thinking i have food poisoning and fil is like maybe you are pregnant, super wrong thing to say to me genius, i knew it was nausea from eating the entire skin-casing of a turkey and a million drinks from xmas eve carry-over, but no, fil just had to project his paranoia onto me at 4 in the morning when i am steeped over in pain. so in nyc i thought i was pregnant the whole time, turns out i am just fat. ha. phew.

i haven’t had cramps this bad before in awhile though so maybe it is a mini-miscarriage or something. girls get them all the time we just never tell our boyfriends hey guess what look at the clot that came out of me WE MADE THAT!

ahha whoops sorry.

that’s the period joke i should have said at fil’s birthday dinner when he said he liked bloody meat i will save it up for next year. i don’t think it is fair that guys can talk about their bowel movements and brag them off and even trick you into looking at them but girls aren’t allowed to show our menstrual masterpieces, i think guys should be forced to peep at least one per 1/4 year, i mean, they don’t have to deal with painful ovaries and suicidal crazylor rage out of control emotions.

sorry for being all feminist. yesterday i watched on youtube that acceptance speech the ugly betty girl gave and it turned me into an ugly blob of crying, if you are riding the red wave do not watch it.

Ryan: did you blog anything funny
what’s a blood empire

me: my period
haha

Ryan: i like gash station better
clamshell snapper

me: me too i will change to that title
i invented gash station

Ryan: well where else would you have heard it

me: i made it up
i heard it from me

Ryan: i believe you
i invented “idiotstick” or at least i think i did

me: ok
good

Ryan: and also a type of ice fort whose floor stays unslippery and the roof doesn’t melt on it because of my invention
also i invented an annual party called plasterfest
what else did you invent this is a contest

me: lonerisms
to which urban dictionary turned down
i am about to invent a bowel movement