HAPPY SECOND ANNIVERSARY LAUREN AND JAMIE! LAUREN YOU ARE THE LOVE OF THAT DUDE’S LIFE I HOPE HE IS GETTING YOU A PRESENT ON TOP OF PAYING ME FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS TO POST THIS MESSAGE ON MY BLOG. CONGRATS YOU TWO! XO YOURS IN CHRIST RAYMI

so last nite was a gong show as is usual when pitt rolls into town seems like the more i told him to slow down and pace himself the faster he drank it was also nice that he was dressed like a dad. we took him on his first hipster outing to the horseshoe and he was awed, i kept telling him you know this place really isn’t that cool you know i mean the billy talent kid hangs here and with that the billy talent kid walked by haha. i got blogspotted and pitt tried to mooch in off that and then he made the guy talk to tony pierce on the fone. die mannequin was playing, we didn’t go to the back and watch though but that one chick flew by us out the door to the street to play her guitar (cordless) that’s fine and all if you are i dunno iggy pop, but, well, you get the idea. it’s a good picture though. lots of scary ghouls and people who look like guitar hero characters were on the scene, this girl sort of flirted with me with her eyes in the bathroom.

the swedish snake aka sundin

we put pitt in a cab and sent him on his merry way back to mississauga then we went to chino to meet with samirsharpiesandrostefan chino made me and fil pay ten bucks each to get in, ten bucks for one hour til last call? the dude at the door started naming all these djs SO they are worth a ten dollar door cover, he may as well have been telling me the alphabet, i don’t know who these people are more importantly i don’t CARE who these people are, i came to drink and see my friends, play car alarms music go right ahead. next time, we will need the secret password, sandro. samir was in the blues cos he dropped his $800 fone and it is now busted, sharpie was wasterrrs i love wasterrrs sharpie!

that’s pitt talking to JEFF MAREK look notice how he is in love later after that call pitt was all YOU ARE AWESOME RAYMI THANKS FOR HOOKING UP THAT PHONECALL FOR ME THAT WAS LIKE A GIFT YOU GAVE ME THAT’S AMAZING haha.

the guy who blogspotted ME whom pitt made speak to tony pierce while he is talking to tony pierce.

what’s wrong sandro?

i stared at that girl’s ass a lot the part where the thigh turns into ass and i compared myself to her for awhile and then felt psychotically jealous of her, i had a lot of think-time cos everyone was like i’m going to the bathroom i’m going to smoke i’m going to the bar etc and i sat babysitting pints FUN then i guilted/blew up at samir saying WE TOOK A TAXI HERE AND PAID TEN DOLLARS EACH AND WE ARE SITTING BY OURSELVES AT THE FRONT and it worked cos he came to the front then moped about his fone and i made sharpie paranoid about her jacket cos she said it was at the other side of the place all by itself? so she went to go get it and then didn’t get it? that was funny and samir got all anxious and we played the WHERE’S MY WIFE game where he says where’s my wife and i say FLIRTING WITH BOYS and samir’s face contorts with multiple emotions all at once, RAGE DESPERATION CRAZY basically.

pitt is peeing behind that dumpster. oh yeah at the ‘shoe this dude goes up to pitt (pitt is my height 5’8) and this guy is at least 6’6 and he says THE LEAFS SUCK and pitt doesn’t really notice cos he is on the fone with tony so i screamed back at the giant NO THEY DON’T and he goes yeah they do and i say NO, YOUR FACE SUCKS!! and as it came out of my mouth i actually had a gander at his face and i winced cos well, your face sucks was a little too perfect a zinger. anyway it was fine cos he’s a mtl fan and his buddy is leafs fan and they fight about it all the time so he wasn’t going to knuckle sandwich me or anything and once i knew that i turned all tough and put up my fists. i pictured myself jumping on this guy’s back and punching the world and yelling and somehow coming out a winner. fil said nice one after i said your face he thought it was amazing that i said that and i was thinking oh how sweet you are going to get your ass kicked now cos of what i just did but at least you thought it was a nice burn.

nice tweedle dee tweedle dum sweater there, fil.

we woke up today about noon well more like noon thirty and i could hear the dude’s next door’s shitty guitar music holy fuck we have lived here over a year now and that guy’s skills have not improved in any way whatsoever so i motioned to knock on the wall to shut him up and fil freaked and grabbed my arm and said uh it is during the day on a saturday what kind of an asshole neighbour are you?

i’ll tell you

A NEIGHBOUR WHO IS AT THE END OF THEIR FUCKING ROPE LISTENING TO THAT ACOUSTIC SHIT GARBAGE EVERY NITE AT 2 IN THE FUCKING MORNING THROUGH THE BEDROOM WALL

fil said i can’t even play that well so i got up out of bed in my underwear grabbed his 1971 gibson SG put on the strap, jumped on the bed and stood as close to the wall as i could and commenced strumming like a fucking lunatic until fil grabbed the guitar away. no fair, you can’t hear an electric guitar through a wall sans amp.

on monday when fil goes to work i am going to plug in his guitar and just wait out that prick from next door.

this is so george costanza.

so lindi ortega is really talented and all that but her professionalism is lacking and i know that sounds weird coming from me, i just can’t like her now cos of the unfunny anna nicole smith joke she made at the beginning of her set RIGHT before she started playing, so stupid. she goes oh i’m playing with ghosts tonite, on drums is steve irwin, on bass is anna nicole smith and everyone went OH OOOooh. aimoo went TOO SOON and everyone laughed behind us, i cupped my mouth and yelled NOT FUNNY and then lindi goes “dry sense of humour” trying to back herself up, sorry dude there’s dry humour and then there’s disrespect, to which you displayed the latter of. halfway through her set she made another joke about anna nicole smith which i didn’t hear but i’m sure it was TOTALLY HILARIOUS BECAUSE MAKING FUN OF THE DEAD IS SUPES FUNNY! nice fuckin sideways hat by the way what are you, newsies?

there was a boner horny mob party of three dudes standing next to me and the one guy sitting down was laughing hysterically at every fucking thing she said between songs, holy desperate. as her set carried on everyone at ciao edie was yelling and talking during it, that place is not a good one to play if yer the headlining act cos by the time you play everyone’s wasted and talks over you ok so everyone’s bla blahing all around us and i don’t care for once cos i’m intoxicated and i have already decided that i don’t like this woman and i’ve been quiet and polite during her set so i feel like i am allowed to say something to aimoo who is on my right, away from the horny mob so i lean into her and say something i forget what and the fucking guy sitting down turns and gives me a nasty look the I FUCKING HATE YOU STOP TALKING LOOK then he turns away quickly like a coward and continues to watch the set and my mouth is open still i’m halfway through a sentence and my eyebrows are now raised, i look at aimoo and then at the back of that guy’s head and say DID THAT JUST FUCKING HAPPEN? DID THAT GUY JUST GIVE ME A LOOK BECAUSE OUT OF EVERYONE TALKING IN THIS BAR I AM THE BAD PERSON!?! he didn’t look back at me again.

that’s THE LOOK guy before his horny mob friends showed up.

what’s that dude’s problem over aimee’s left shoulder?

back to lindi, i get that she is pretty and all and skinny and sometimes girls feel guilty about being pretty and skinny, kind of awkward about it so they talk loud and obnoxious and say abrasive shit to make you focus on that instead of how they look i know this cos when i was skinnier i did this a lot, it’s a verbal dressing down i dunno, it’s real, i’m sure you know a girl or two like this ANYWAY it can be very decent if the shit you say is ACTUALLY funny but when it isn’t it’s a bad taste in the mouth and i know coming from me queen retard #1 is hypocrisy BUT i would not ever stoop so low as to make fun of steve irwin and anna nicole smith.

andrew showed up halfway through to join in on the drunkening that was good and as the room cleared out after the show we were part of the last stragglers and i turned it into a retard dance of 1 and i danced into tables and chairs do NOT dance in YOUR DAD type boots from payless you cannot properly master any of your jazz moves. i just asked fil if i looked stupid last nite and he said YEAH YOU LOOKED LIKE A FUCKING SLUT.

ahahahhahahahahahahahaa perfect.

then we came back here with aimoo to play wii and i made two separate salads consisting of greens, goat cheese, chicken and jerk sauce very fucking delicious and fil ate 9/10 of both rounds then went to bed before aimoo left and screamed out goodbye in his underwear from beneath the covers NICE HOST. aimoo purposely left behind that huge bottle of crown that’s fighting juice yo i can’t believe how much of a lightweight she is i thought tall people could drink a lot more? here are all the drinks i had last nite keep in mind it was a friday so don’t go all tsk tsk on me this isn’t the christian sobriety blog you motherfuck:

1 3/4 shot vodka oj

1 3/4 shot crown diet ginger

1 pint of amsterdam blond

2 shots jameson on ice

1 3/4 shot crown diet ginger that i had one sip of ow my head hurts now from typing what i drank out.

oh yeah i got it into my head that everyone would notice that i wasn’t clapping after lindi’s songs and then she would look at me and say something and then i would be snarky about that joke she made and then she would ask me to leave and i would say give me my five dollars back and i’m gone and then they would refuse and then the cops would be called and then i would be in the drunk tank not writing this blog post right now i figure in this situation i would be in the wrong cos i am the patron not the talent and all, that’s pretty much the stuff i think about when i’m wasted and spacing out, nothing deep, no need for all that. (to be existential about it, no one is paying me to clap. i mean, I paid to see some music and i’m also suppose to clap on top of that? what kind of shitty deal is that anyway? how about be happy that i am even there AT ALL.)

i did like the opening act i forget the name of fil knows, the girl singer let her friend get up and finish her last song and the girl screamed I AM REALLY FUCKING DRUNK BLEEARGH and continued singing, her enthusiasm was 100% i liked it and she had a red headband on and smiled a lot, smiling is the new good.

this is hardcore

i’m using fil’s laptop right now and after going through all of his history i looked at my blog and holy shit my pictures on his browser look FUGS! my nose looks like a kettle. feh. aimoo is over playing guitar hero right now with fil and she brought a huge goblet bottle of crown that one of her mom’s customers gave as an xmas gift holy fuck the diarrhea mouth is already forming EXCUSE ME I HAVE OPINIONS TO TELL ALL OF YOU we are going to ciao edie to see this chick lindi ortega, her inspirations are people like jeff buckley and other people i forget and fil is trying to tell me what she looks like has NO BEARING WHATSOEVER on his steadfast enthusiasm on seeing her for five dollars tonite OOOOOK.

who the hell says steadfast? i hate them.

this post is 6/10 of drunk.

yay it’s the lyrics to that raymi song by the sex cells

RAYMI

little fingers you dont, stray very far,
a made up smile wont make, a difference to me,
little lies in your eyes, gives you away,
little fingers would you, scratch my face,

and this is what fil’s face looks like the VERY second he begins to lecture me about something/correct me/disagree with me and explain in long dramatic BORING detail why i am wrong

see how his eyebrows turn up in nerdish delight and the fact that he is in MEAN FIL (glasses) mode only helps prove my MEAN FIL case even more. peep his totally pursed lips just as they are about to part and snore words come out of his mouth AND he also has that crazed LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT SCIENCE look in his eyes.

i got him these for valentine’s day it’s ok he already knows but lives in this mythical state of MAYBE SHE IS LYING anyway you can live vicariously through my valentine’s day purchase cos you 1. can’t afford to buy anything and 2. don’t have a boyfriend to buy anything for

here it is so far

i will probably paint over the word BILBO what the fuck is that? i’m going to add more little drawings of things to it and paint them all in. when i am painting i think of emo things to write about, stories mainly, for example paperback writer was on itunes and i was thinking that that is how i communicate with my dead grandparents or my memories of them by listening to the beatles then i was like what is this right now the bell jar? the only way i could get away with writing shit like that would be as a fictional character in a book and then everyone falls in love with that character, emoisms and all OH I LOVE JODY SHE WEARS LONG BILLOWY DRESSES AND HANGS IN THE SHADE ON HOT SUMMER DAYS SHE IS WHIMSICAL AHHHHHH.

cos i’m losing weight FINALLY yesterday i decided oh i can go out with my face exactly as it looked when i woke up with all the make-up i fell asleep in including tomato sauce from the night before on my chin and scraggily rolled through a field down the longest hill ever on speed hair, all i had to do is wear my huge octogenarian yenta sunglasses and a fugly toque. bingo. i’m wearing the jacket fil got me two christmases ago from le chateau these days that i stopped wearing cos i thought it made me look like a sexless potato, it had this faux fur collar attachment that i took off so now it is a detective jacket anyway the point of this is you cannot go out looking like that in the fucking winter cos by the time you get home your face is penis red pink (ahaha) and your hair is crazy ugly looking and if you met up with one of your friends they would be all uh what is going on in your life these days? you can pull it off in EARLY spring on a cloudy day but you cannot get sweaty at all cos if you do your hair turns greasy and your carefree thrown together outfit looks scary.

hello cid

anyway i am enjoying dressing like a homeless man. i was waiting for fil at union station in the doorway upstairs and this homeless guy was eating a hotdog staring at the wall, he turned and gave me “the nod” and i gave it back to him. i think he could tell that i am one degree away from being full-blown crazy myself, maybe that’s why homeless people make me feel antsy, everyone else too.

i am finally adding little drawings to the canvas i painted last week, i hope i don’t fuck it up. it’s going to be a collection of various bullshit drawings, nobody famous, sorry kids.

OH i got some good eavesdroppings from last nite and here they are:

this chick was leaning on my jacket and chair talking to this dude behind me at the bar waiting to order drinks and she says SO I AM SUPPOSE TO HOOK UP WITH THIS GUY TOMORROW AND I SENT HIM AN EMAIL TODAY AND I CALLED HIM AND HE DIDN’T REPLY OR ANSWER and the kid says to her OH IS THIS THE FORTY YEAR OLD GUY? she says yes (clearly they are both age 19-21) and they both laugh and the kid/dude cockblocks saying WELL HE IS PROBABLY TOO BUSY WRITING HIS WILL.

haahaha forty? WILL! hysterical!

le sigh