things that rule about my dad.

he thinks he’s funnier than me. he’s close but i’m quicker and when i burn him good he lets you know.

he rocked the mustache multiple times and upon shaving it off once when i was a kid i was like um who are you? look at my brother trying to piss me off here. EVIDENCE. that’s why i punched you in the head a few years ago shawn, all this built up pent up rage for every annoying thing you did to me ever.

you read to us all the time before bed as kids and seemed to thoroughly enjoy it (or at least you are a brilliant actor)(you barely sighed with impatience) and you made up dumb voices for each different character in the stories which opened a door of infinite possibilities in my mind like it was ok to be goofy so then i copied everything you did at school and became class clown and dominated all of my peers in joketown. i pretty much got away with everything in my life because of my smart mouth, so thank you for that. see, check me up there quietly masterfully studying your style and rhythm like the smooth criminal i am. sure that’s a popple in my lap, no bigs guy keep reading.

so 90’s! my so called life called (haha “called, called.”) they want their shitty show back. (why did girls beat off so hard for that series?)

anyway i never knew i was a daddy’s girl until my brother pointed it out then i was like oh rrright that makes sense, i guess i am. how gay is that ew I’M SOMETHING. my mom sure as hell has my brother on some apron strings so whatever don’t even think of getting jealous now. maybe this is why i collect older men and have zero patience for younger guys. i am going to fail horribly at being a cougar. i just can’t relax around dumb guys. yeah yeah they’re not all dumb i just get jumpy around them. high school was trying for me, i was never around, always in the city getting hosed with yuppies.

ANYWAY DAD WE’RE GONNA GET FUCKIN’ RIGHT RIPPED TODAY EH TERRY. DEANER? FUCKIN RIGHT RIPPED. TRON FUNKIN BLOW! XOXOXO

papa you also rule. this guy is jack kerouac’s first cousin and he’s still kicking it. i’m going to ask him about the letter he wrote to jack way back when. guy was solid gold boozing it up in montreal during the beatnik years too.

hipster. owning it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHfBRQpwMEo

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gotta fly.

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i need to buy new shoes for the seafood for thought event next week. i’m going to wear my long blue dress provided the weather works with me. i justify it because i lost a pair to my bloody foot and then even the cheapo flip flops i bought to replace them that weekend got busted by someone on mushrooms. stepped on my foot and blam the wedge thing between the toe ripped right out. COOL THANKS.

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after work menu is killer. everything 6 bucks. so i had six things. three meals and three drinks. kept the increments of 6.

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i’m uploading photos at the moment and terribly impatient (wake ‘n baked) and hyper so i thought might as well just blog (write)(synonymous for me) throw up a few photos only then do something else, get a life maybe? in lieu of meticulous every step i took yesterday photographs. flickr seems to have taken a shit nap anyhow. i have no patience on a friday, a day off, a sunshine day. my room is in a state. i butchered my thumb at work, a thick mill street pint glass split in half in my fucking hand and i tried to save it, but it shattered anyway. total gorefest. freaked a customer right out hahaha a bunch actually. it bled a ton. now i have two cuts in the crook of my thumb that go all the way around like joker’s mouth cuts and my fake rich girl shirt got blood all over it (which i was able to get out with goo gone and instant carpet stain remover) so i didn’t end up singing last nite for these reasons but also because every single singer was a pro musical theatre drama perfectionist i didn’t think they’d be down for a punk rock version of michelle with blood all over me and my thumb up in the air to make it stop pumping out. what was that stupid horror film cum musical? eh you know what i mean.

so basically i will never pour a beer into a freshly dishwashed glass ever again.

haha i bet meredith is going to love this screenshot. i’ve swapped it for one of my stupid face instead it just takes a bit sorrrrry.

ok i’ma tweet this now so i can buzz around the house for a bit. should i wash my hair all over again? i am annoyed at having to do anything right now because of my thumb. typing is irritating most of all. typing on my blackberry even worse YEs coime ad n see mirt mie meee. like that. also i need to do my nails cos they look like i slept in a box on the street last nite but i know i’ll get nail polish remover in my cuts. GIRL PROBLEMS.

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i got home late and while my brain wound down from work and biking (i almost fell asleep coasting down shaw cos that street is so quiet and still and straight by the time i’m almost at queen i’m floating in space in a soft white bed like homer except he’s passed out at the wheel hit a tree with a picket fence tangled on the back tire of his car) i decided to cruise my dating site inbox to see what geniuses i’ve roped in. a little depressing. so many idiots. so many people can’t spell. one guy referred to himself as a diva and kept talking about his hair and how long he takes doing it meanwhile he has a buzzcut. ???? they can see when you click on their profile but don’t write back so they instantly fire you a defensive aggressive email being like I GUESS I WASN’T YOUR CUP OF TEA SORRY! like chill dude you look like a naked mole rat, i am infinity miles out of your league. nice taurus. one guy was like so you’re a RIGHTER what do you RIGHT ABOUT? I’VE NEVER KNOWN A RIGHTER BEFORE. well, you don’t say.

i guess i should kill my profile entirely. my mom said i should go on the paid sites where people are more serious. dates are exhausting and depressing. you think ok could be the one, nope not the one and there goes my friday nite. then i get really angry at the person’s audacity for having eyes too close together ON A FRIDAY NITE HOW DARE YOU!

be right back.

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found this at my dad’s. i first read it at 19 in my first apartment in little italy. that notorious crawford street ghetto. i read this book during a hot hot summer, garbage strike summer. in-between blogging and recovering from hangovers, alone in my room on my low futon in the heat. moving was too much all i could do was lie down and emo-read the bell jar. so i guess i’ll re-read it in a somewhat bizarro world situation point in my life. i’m living with roommates again, kinda a loner a lot.

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i have to keep records of things. time. like my grandmother. i had just moved back from maine after living in brooklyn and england so i wanted to remember where in the world i was when i read whatever book i read and i knew lauren was an insignificant name so i started signing my name as raymi to shit.

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joey gave me this little joey. i am coming to visit you girl.

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wait just a tick there what’s that going on in the background…?

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awesome.

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givin’er on cindy’s ride.

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jesus we’re trying to be wholesome up here right now.

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you know your life’s on full throttle when you run out of every staple all at once and i forgot the one most important thing, conditioner. i’m holding off on that til tomorrow i’m getting a de-brass discount thank christ that stuff is 33 bones a bottle.

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more like lucas’ can i have three dollars jar.

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oh my god seriously now!!!?

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can you guys get over it i’m pretty sure these dudes have the best life ever.

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maybe i’ll go out and pick one up.

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gratuitous. you are like 3 seconds old.

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cruisin’ gear.

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stir crazy lets get the f out of here.

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second americano. double. guy at blondie’s was all do you work at the coffeeshop down the street? um no but if i did why would i come to get coffee elsewhere? we’re building a rapoire. sometimes i see ben in there too. did i have a nickname for ben? he was in that band i pretended to care about to be nice (plugged here)(but they’re actually super good) that i introduced at their gig at the silver dollar (there’s a video of it in fact i have an entire reel of shots and shit show things from that nite with casie and it was her birthday oh my god i feel like a door was just opened in my brain from one blackout onto another. that time was kinda insane for me) anyway ben, um no nickname. didn’t bone just hung for a couple weeks there til we got bored of each other. we’re two ernies. two ernies cannot be together. you need a bert and an ernie. a bert that slightly borders on ernie and i think he’s into cougs. speaking of (berts), dimples guy, suitor number one from the dating site said on our first date that he was a bit of a control freak and that gave me wood. what can i say i need to be tamed.

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and here’s the place where my first mushroom trip kicked in one halloween weekend eight years ago. yuula went to get smokes, craig said something funny we were all in costumes walking north on cowan and i started to laugh and couldn’t stop. that feeling will never be replicated it was so fucking hysterical. this night i notoriously ruined everyone’s high for losing this massive hash/weed blunt. here’s a tip next time do not give the blunt to the girl dressed in army gear with 400 pockets. my high wasn’t ruined i was just fine. capped the nght off talking to a cat after watching gummo. mushrooms and gummo i dare you to try it. also that blunt wasn’t lost we found it a month later in one of my pockets hanging up on my door when noel was in thailand then craig and i got super ripped and walked to parkdale. we left a voicemail for noel even though we knew he was in thailand we were so pleased and amazed about finding the blunt.

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what a nice little surprise.

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i think we’re going to get along just fine.

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i miss being taken to plays. HINT. HINT EXPLOS!ON!!

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rhonda’s horoscope told her to give in to creativity yesterday or something i pretended to believe but anyway it worked cos i texted her to play hooky and she was feeling insane and sick sort of. she can’t remember which horoscope site though.

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her first time being wined and dined at the rhine. i swear to god if they steal that catchphrase i will be super pleased. ahha bet you thought i was going to say something bitchy there for a second. PSYCHE!

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either my face is getting fatter or i am losing it posewise.

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what a lady. too bad she has a mouth on her like a garbage truck.

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better.

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i wanted to sprint after this truck and hug it.

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clean and tidy.

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full on dirthole.

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i always feel like i am the most generous person in the world when i indulge vegetarians. FINE i’ll share that bland piece of boring crap with you YOU’RE WELCOME. this was really good though.

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pit stop at beaver for coffee three. i did not have a cupcake.

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and then these guys. sophie in the striped shirt was like i met you at red light. i was all you don’t say how long ago was this and how drunk was i? it was when i was there with the red flag in the beginning stages of that off and on again thing so i was on best behaviour and tunnel vision. i am not that much of a lush when i forget if i met you i just meet sooo many people all the time it’s hard to remember everything on the spot but eventually it comes back to me.

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polite getting to know you photos at the beginning of the night are so terrible and awkward and boring SO boring to look at and this is what everyone on facebook floods their albums with. squares. boring. yes please tag me sitting on the couch at a shower i am hung as fuck and bored as hell at.

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david hasselhoff legs sorry if you don’t see my bipolar vision. rena is a babe. we’re wearing the same grimey shoes.

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why am i hooking her arm like that. i do not know.

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cue dance party. chick in background was wearing shades and danced into me and a table in the darkest part of the bar (by the stage) then later on she took off shades and i noticed she had two shiners. ouch girl.

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a tutorial in dancing ghetto.

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and that would be dance face.

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spazztastic.

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meanwhile over here look what i did. i count every head as five dollars (round down) and multiply for every fifth or sixth song when dance party begins hahahaahaha. SECRET TO SUCCESS RIGHT HERE.

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AND RIGHT HERE! i did a cheerleader high kick this is my leg coming down.

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i think i might be practicing my dimples too i made the mistake of smiling at myself in the mirror at one point yesterday and made my slight left cheek dimple appear so then i was conscious of it all day.

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oh fuck here we go.

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looks worse than it actually is? best combo: limber and hyper.

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oh hi.

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waiting foreverrrrrrrr.

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love this floor. LOVE IT.

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note to self.

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i texted meredith I’M HOME SAFE YOU STUPID STUPID BITCH AND YOU BETTER BE TOO.

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thanks nicole for sneaking in that you JUST turned 19 irl. you brang it. she put me on the g list at the kasbah when i lived in burlington 5 times in a row and i never showed once. I AM NOT A MIND READER I DON’T HAVE ESPN OK.

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i am so bloated right now ugh. period touches down any time thank you.

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pretty sure this held up our order. but if it actually was my poutineless poutine i’m P-O’d!

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date that millionaire at least once mer come on i don’t take you out to fancy events for you not to slam one out of the park for us christ sake you get one more chance then i’m breaking up with you.

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ok thursday lets do this.

+++

hi raymi…

xoxoxo

i am adding this to my post. breathtaking. thanks for sticking up for me in this email. ill make a long raymi tangent about it in another post. i do hope you’re getting better. sigh.

i found the trainwreck comment in the national post thread it was left awhile ago though i only just discovered it yesterday. it’s hard to keep track of every thread you’re slagged in. whatever. ive been thinking about it since i read it and turning it over and over. who knows how i get received at least i get received? my come back was at least i was a train what the fuck were you ever? nothing.

ugh i love ruining moments forever. meet nicole. i slur when i speak even when i’m stone cold sober (which is never).

oh my god i am a retard and i don’t even care anymore. at least meredith is retarded too. at least! we had the best time making fun of hater commenters. she told us about this one comment she got where the person was all GOD HATES YOU THAT’S WHY YOU’RE A FIRECROTCH YOU STUPID STUPID BITCH! think we’ll do a best of hater comments symposium or something that will happen never.

i’m going to be singing tonite in the cabaret that our golden girl at the central chelsea is hosting. i have no idea what i’ll be singing. i will be nervous and awkward and sweaty and then i’ll go bus a table afterward and serve you a drink while i cry over how much i fucked my life up. so please come! starts at 8, goes til 2.

oh my god i’m as red as the beast in pictures now.

look what i made lakeview do for me. it caused quite the scandal in the kitchen. relax guys just plate it at the end. next time i’ll ask for romaine as the gravy heat brought out too much of the earthy essence of the mesclun which made it taste like bananas. basically it tasted like shit and i ended up eating everyone’s leftover fries anyway because i am a monster.

on my bike ride home i was soo tired and spent i almost ditched my bike for a cab. what a loser right. i was fantasizing deleriously about where to lock it, maybe by starbucks then i can walk to get it tomorrow (today) and get a skinny cinnamon dolce latte mmmm dolce latte mmm coffee oh my god pay attention lauren just ride home you pussy. so i did. which was great cos i got to ride through the po po takin’ down some crush fucks and i got to hear all the degenerates surrounding the scene gossiping away. one pack was all do you want to take this guy down he’s a fuckin’ heatscore. dad it’s ok i am invisible to these people they pay me no mind as i am not a giant bag of crack.

i coulda just gone home but noooooo meredith brings a crew in fact i was in the middle of texting DO NOT COME HERE when this little bird pops her face around the bar. i got cut from work abut 12.30 was supposed to go to the courthouse nxne juno party whatever but it was dying about that point and meredith was gong showed. they asked for raymioke and i was all naahhh then i put my zune (YES I HAVE A ZUNE GET OVER IT IPOD JERKS) on and raymbo (my alter-ego) came to get down. it’s funny when i stick around sometimes to drink and dance at work when customers i’ve been serving all nite are still there. it’s good for business. they 1. realise i am not a bitch 2. stay and drink and dance with us 3. come back more often cos they realise at the central we’re not a bunch of stiffs. it’s hard to be dance machine 2010 when i keep spying out the corner of my eye all these double takes like look that’s the bartender d-d-d-d-DANCING! borderline offended by it like they feel tricked by me displaying good times. what am i saying it’s not hard, i was born for attention it’s like i’ll die or something if i don’t get it every 3 seconds.

upon seeing these photos i was like ugh who do i think i am david hasselhoff. look at those legs, that tan, those dumb socks. i am not walking anywhere ever again lest i get more muscles you have to carry me from now on.

ps. i discovered skim chocolate milk (no fat!) yesterday. urge to kill lowering.

be right backsicles.

brad and nicole made it for last call at lakeview. totally unnecessary. oh well.

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my mom is ten times more irritating than i am with her camera, in fact, i barely take photos anymore. i just blackberry shots of myself, tweet them and if i think they’re hot enough i’ll put it up here. mom though guy, you need to relax. i’m in the middle of telling her something important and she’s like hold that pose. hold it. sometimes doesn’t even bother telling me to be still just goes and clicks away. trust me i know how annoying i’ve been in the past now more than ever. i don’t even fight it anymore go ahead take photos in a department store i hope you get told off, i’ll just keep walking.

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f21 has a strict no cameras policy do you think that stops her? i loved that red dress. too flimsy, would be garbled up after a wash or two. not worth it.

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we have loud dysfunctional conversations all the time without care of who overhears and i come across like a total cunt cos i lose my patience FROM HEARING THE SAME THING 50 TIMES. next mom date i am getting wicked baked. i decided to be nice and respect my mother’s hypocritical saint-like poo-pooing of substances this time i do not know the fuck why.

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department stores are depressing. it’s where fashion goes to die. nothing fits nice, the change rooms look like shit and they’re always managed by an old hag who hates life. GOOD TIMES. at this point i am like COME ON MOM LETS GOOO GOGOGO GOGO NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!!! another thing we do is yell each other’s entire name to embarrass one another into hurrying up. sometimes i go quiet and don’t respond so then my mom is just standing there yelling my name over and over and over again like a retard. would you watch this on television?

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oh my GOD lets fucking go!!!!!! i finally made her laugh from my impatient brattiness after we left emma’s i was waiting to get in the car so i made a song out of it LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN THE CAR NOW NOW NOW LET ME IN LET ME IN NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW. she called me a friggin’ bird.

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pissed me off for the seven hundredth time so i sped ahead check ya later.

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serenity now.

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she was impressed by how i nursed my watered down with ice wine. later on she tried to say she bought my dinner. whatever cheapskate liar nice try. my favourite is when the bill comes and i have to whisper hiss how much she has to tip. my blood pressure just went up.

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guzzled all my wine and then she wouldn’t leave. hilarious. as much as she’s a spazz she’s a great person and i need to learn to be patient around her and SHE needs to learn to take ADD medication.

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beast made peanut butter banana ice cream (!!!) how very talented that guy is. the pork shoulder was phenom too, smokey scent with flavour for days, why didn’t i hoover more? i think my raymi traps are working. that shirt was like 5 bucks and will likely fall apart in no time.

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dad drove me to the station in his muffmobile. ew can i say that? who cares. i love my dad he’s the best. he worries about me biking a ton i should probably stop blogging about it. he said recently if he could afford it (and he could) he’d buy me a car so i wouldn’t have to walk or ride my bike anywhere, how cute. that was the nicest thing anyone had ever told me in a long time. dad i’ll just take the money though thanks.

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sat on joe dog’s patio for shitty dinner, sun and uninspired mojitos. the ones at the drake are miles better. miles and miles. now if i worked in a crappy establishment i’d delight in pounding the hell out of mint leaves before sending those drinks out cos it’d be the only creative thing coming my way for my entire shift. i didn’t even catch a buzz.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4705598981/in/photostream/

my dad and i were discussing this the nite before. i was explaining foodies to him. we both skimmed this article only but i gather the gist of it is focused on the term itself. cheesiest term ever by the way. i prefer gourmand but like i fucking know how to say it in real life. actually i do. gore-mawnd. yes? anyway, like all things “hot” and “now” foodie is the next thing to write about on a slow news day. foodie, social media (snooze) and what else? the way i see it, being into food, great food, is a means for the elite to be as close to royalty as is possible. it’s trendy. bourgeois. obnoxious. impressive. in fact i’m going to an event next week at the toronto zoo, seafood for thought: The unique and elegant outdoor setting, delicious seafood tastings prepared by Toronto’s top chefs, chocolate fountain, wine pairings and of course some WILD animal encounters makes Seafood For Thought™ this year’s fundraising event you don’t want to miss! essentially, gourmet food events are rock concerts for rich fat people. yeah yeah they’re not all fat but you know what i’m saying. i’m stoked for it. right stoked. wonder what i’ll wear and i’ve already been told to dress up heheh.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4706241208/in/photostream/

you mean i can’t go like this?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4705600187/in/photostream/

my brother dropped in yesterday to check his facebook and comment upon how ridiculous my life is. the dude abides.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4705634953/in/photostream/

it’s been awhile since i’ve shown some burlesque around here. we’re gearing up for our next show JULY 4 at revival. tribute to canada. i’m a goalie in one dance and a mounty in another and i might be a lumberjack too. i have to choose two canuck heroes to write on a wifebeater. david suzuki is taken. if i put douglas coupland zero people in the audience would get it.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4705635525/in/photostream/

i look like a penis and i want anna’s jamaica shorts.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4706276870/in/photostream/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4705636481/in/photostream/

every sunday beside the after dark where we rehearse i see albert at his oyster stand and he always flirts with me and i am always starving so this week i gave in. 3 oysters for 5 bucks.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4706278230/in/photostream/

then carmen caved. she’s in the harlettes. maid in taiwan. she dresses in french maid gear and saucily tidies up the stage and joins us in a couple numbers. once i stood there shotgunning oysters i said to albert now watch this everyone’s going to flood your table. i was right. when i left there was a huge line-up. i could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves (name that movie quote).

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4705637945/in/photostream/

albert loves my tattoo and says i have a very nice face even though i look stupid here and i think he is blind in one eye. he asked if i had a boyfriend and i said uh no not really and he said WHY YO BOYFRIEND SO STUPID!!!? i said I DON’T KNOW! he said so i have a chance then? i said yep, everybody does. see you next week albert!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4705638601/in/photostream/

drag raced a via train.

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someone had a big bottle of this at dance so it got the i want that ball rolling for me. feeling this drink big time.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4705641959/in/photostream/

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my dad has a collection for every single dad thing there is. thousands and thousands $ later…

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4705643541/in/photostream/

these are the big players. $300 a piece each. ridiculous. go big i guess right.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4706285102/in/photostream/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4706285746/in/photostream/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4705645653/in/photostream/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4706288394/in/photostream/

had to try them all. they’re like neopolitan ice cream looking. i am a fucking animal with no off button. when i ate the sandwich jen made me last saturday at work in less than a minute she could not believe it.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4705647925/in/photostream/

oh hey moms what’s up diggin’ that wine?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4706289952/in/photostream/

new shades practically identical to a pair i already own that melodie has annexed. their frames were too thick i like these better plus there’s a peekaboo gap on the sides between the lenses and the frame.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4705649439/in/photostream/

this is what fertilizer silver fox got a good look at yesterday.

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rocky’s gone ethical on us.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4706293138/in/photostream/

be cautious of those fogies look out, they’re wild. more like MILD and always in the way.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4705652677/in/photostream/

don’t worry this cool story has a shit ending. flattened my back tire outright rolling over broken glass. whoever set that booby trap, well played. $40 later and my precious wino time eaten up.

here dad i was going to save this for father’s day but then i realised it was kind of awful. not bad for a first take though and pretty much teaching myself how to play it on the spot. bonus: i smack my forehead on the mic 12 seconds in.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7T9LLichZo&feature=player_embedded

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4702997597/

mom why did you soap opera effect yourself out and shawn? now i look majorly conceited. more than usual.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4702733809/

blew my load at f21 yesterday. 80 bucks, numerous things. mostly t-shirts, staples. a fake rich girl blousey thing. sunglasses (stopped self at getting the same pair in 4 different colours. stuck with tortoiseshell). a dress. i hate the yonge/dundas square f21, so packed and insane, total clusterfuck. i like it in the burbs, space and less 12 year olds. more cougs though. perfect.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4702734171/?rotated=1&cb=1276610601882

my mother drove me bananas before she even picked me up. i love her but i also want to kill her. hahahaha. my impatient hyper personality combined with her alpha naggy ADD is like throwing gasoline on the seventh circle of hell. she has lots of advice and opinions and they’re totally valid, apt, and great. it’s just that i didn’t ask for them. sometimes i am talking just to talk and unwind, release. not for dating advice. men advice. most hilarious of all.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4703371352/in/photostream/

look at how cute i was! sarah you weren’t bad either. sarah (right) was my bestie. but sometimes i’d cheat on her with brooke and then when brooke pissed me off i’d go back to sarah. BUT DON’T FORGET ABOUT PATRICIA! anyway, sarah’s older brother would eventually become my very first goin’ all the way boyfriend (he’s actually sitting beside me in this photo, you can see part of his teddy bear). so much for hos before bros ha ha. well, to be fair, sarah and i grew apart, had our own crews we ran in. i was with three boys, i was their girl unit. so naturally you end up dating one. anyway. i gave that dude some good times. you’re welcome. you should also thank cosmo magazine and our family friend being a postman givin’ us every single magazine in the universe subscriptions that went nowhere.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4703371864/in/photostream/

i just gave the lawn fertilizer guy a double-take. i pretended to check the mail that i already checked in my bikini top and little black shorts he slammed on the brakes pulling out of the driveway i smiled at him and he says in retard seeing a stripper in lights voice UH UH D’I JUST CAME TO FERTILIZE i said what? he repeats it i say in charming southern bell dough head voice, thank you. like i care if the grass is fertilized hahaha. anyway he was a babe. silver fox babe, mom!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4702735341/in/photostream/?rotated=1&cb=1276611230036

lookin’ good AYSE.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4702735639/in/photostream/

here i look like the less hot sister of some actress in a crappy movie you watch on your period. i bought that dress specifically for my dad. nice eh? i was like this is a dad dress. guess who didn’t even compliment it. it’s ok dad. short of that i knew my mom would be all about it and she was.

man the stupid things you can fill up your day with right.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4702735927/in/photostream/?rotated=1&cb=1276611373632

ew gymnast squat torso barf barf barf. luckily my legs go up to my ears.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4703372888/in/photostream/

melodie’s amazing shorts. look i know i post a lot of selfies i can’t help it. this is what i do, we all know this. self-indulgent whatever the fuck i’m in fucking burlington for crying out loud do you want a picture of some fat slob power-washing his van? (actually i have a picture of that).

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4703499562/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4702736345/in/photostream/

JO picture.

ok so i have something i want to talk about. first, hi hello i am fine thanks how are you? good? great.

secondly, i haven’t had time to read all these boring articles about bicycles in the city, cyclists vs motorists, whathaveyou snore zzz etc i will just say this. as obnoxious as you think the cyclist is being dinging their bell at you (it’s not specifically at you, NOTHING is targeted at you, it’s the world, every obstacle) the bell actually serves a purpose. bike riding is terrifying. every time i do it i think this is the day it’s gonna happen. i hear so many scary car door stories. collisions. wipe outs. i already had a wicked bad bail on my longboard and that hurt like crazy and now i have a perma-scar on my knee and hip (kinda sort of hot) but anyway, when that wasp with her annoying basket dings on by it’s because she is scared for her life and she should be. urban biking is nuts. i leave the house calm cool and collected only to arrive frazzled on edge eyes bulging out shaking rattled hands frozen into claws from death-gripping my handles at whatever destination every time without fail unless it’s some stupid hour of the nite when i shouldn’t be awake biking anyway. like the other nite for instance after poutine i was cut. it was like riding home in slow motion stoner soup.

so next time you want to make your little bike bell rant that’s fine i’ll laugh along with you because as much as i staunchly defend anything in life i will be the first to take it down. however, cycling is free which makes it necessary. a necessary dangerous act you have to take on daily. you worry about the state of roads, pedestrians, whatever car is going to cut you off next (it happens) being alert. fuck i might have to get glasses for riding at night, my vision is terrible at night i have to pay one thousand per cent attention which is annoying because i love to daydream and listen to music while i bike. dangerous yeah i know it.

ok i am bored of this already i just got distracted.

i guess i’ll come back to the city today.

here i am rippin’ it up at the geeky (wicked) csi party a few fridays back with taras.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4702842051/

lucasaids just sent this out, i took the nite off specifically for it so you better come dance with me!

+++

Hey there,

Apologies, if you’ve received this more than once. Hope you’re well.

Next Friday June 18th 9 PM Sharp @ The Comfort Zone, Stop Die is back from the brink, resuscitated, if you will.

The new Stop Die will be debuting, as part of Dan Burke’s NeXt at NXNE, come and celebrate a whole new thing with us.

It looks something like this, NO laptop (we got tired of people asking if we were checking email), new drummer (Mario Laquintana), a bassist (Scott Morris), Lyle on guitar, synth and Roland SP sampler. Myself on vocals and a pedal.

It sounds like a fight between Goblin and Bauhaus at a Kraftwerk show (this is a good thing, trust me). So basically forget what you think you used to know about us, buy some earplugs, and start stretching for Friday. It’s going to be a ridiculous night.

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=128031297208240

Hope to see you there,

Lucas

Friday June 18th
The Comfort Zone –
Doors at 7:30 PM
Free with NXNE wristband, $10 (or more) without
Stop Die at 9 PM sharp
w/ Tundra Fun, Ten Kens, The Two Koreas, Comanechi (UK), and Turbogeist (UK)
also w CATL on the sidestage btwn bands

PS I’ll be at NXNE tent, previewing some of the new material and helping sell some Unfamiliar Records merch Thursday night between 8-11 PM at Dundas Square, during Mudhoney and X’s set. Come and visit.
—
tweettweet:

http://twitter.com/elcostello

mememyspace:

http://myspace.com/stopdie

http://myspace.com/stopdieremixes

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4699947576/?rotated=1&cb=1276614049250

insulated concrete forms

Steph: hey im still here
i have a video game headache i should get high?
check out this pic i found

me: hiii

Steph: awesome hair

me: aw thanks

Steph: look how i cut myself out ahahah

me: i dont see anything

Steph: in the email

me: awww
why did u do that again
are u on invisible
are you hiding from the internet law
ok lets get high let me know when i should get my gear
yoo
fine

Steph: hahahhaa
sorry im making soup
THEN we do it
what are you up to
ill roll while the soup heats
ah fuck it ill smoke ol cloggy pipe
ready when you are

me: haha ok
ok getting high now
with little prince
oh man be somebody

Steph: roger that
what?

me: in kill bill when the strip club guy gives the stripper a line he says be somebody baby
i say that sometimes when i pass someone a drink

Steph: you’re so coooooool

me: I SAY THINGS

Steph: did u see i put a song on my blog for you

me: tips man
no!

Steph: sheesh

me: my sound card is fucked so i skip vids

Steph: aw

me: its depressing dont start lori

Steph: hahahaha

me: ahahhahaa

Steph: hows tracy are u guys good again

me: only now its working but i have to do she and him homework for concert tonite
um i told her to piss off yesterday

Steph: ahahaha

me: she leaves nice comments but like i said i was in a better mood then she sends a bring down email telling me what i should say to my therapist because i am 13 years old apparently still

Steph: omg
MOMS

me: i know

Steph: brb

me: what u cant do that during stoner chat
now im going to be stuck in a space out vortex for 20 mins

Steph: hahahah
just stirring dude
i wonder what your mom would think of me

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/2770447033/in/set-72157606781824816/

me: who cares

Steph: gaha

me: all parents are cagey around me
i always feel like my personality is yelling at them
so i have to make it tip toe

Steph: my mom would like you i can actually picture it
my parents are dumb, but not uptight, perf combo hahahah
my dad would laugh at everything you said and totally not get it

me: wicked
story of my life

Steph: no thats good! hahaha
with my parents anyways

me: here comes a fil i have to say this cos i tweeted it yesterday

Steph: haha what?

me: http://twitter.com/raymitheminx/status/15682725181
made this joke up yesterday http://twitter.com/raymitheminx/status/15735835892

Steph: hahaha i read that
our neighbour says “what the fuck anyways”

me: yeah neighbours are allowed to do that

Steph: smeltzer
i hope if you visit you meet him

me: do you like that my gchat status says jerking off
i hope i high five the mayor this time
last time waving at him in my bikini sticking out the window of your pickup truck needs to be topped

Steph: hahahahaha
how did you know it was the mayor

me: you told me

Steph: oh YEEEEEEEEEEEAH
is terry there yet?

me: not yet
are u floored

Steph: SUPER stoked for you

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/2770444443/in/set-72157606781824816/

me: i am going to try and fuck him for team skid

Steph: and jealous
HAHAHAHAHA

me: haha maybe i shouldnt blog that

Steph: OMG

me: HAHAHAHAHAH

Steph: SERIOUSLY

me: i could lure him into my bedroom

Steph: can i please tell ryan that

me: i want to blog a post of every guy sitting on my bed ive taken a pic of
like 20
dont fuck them all but
ok im not blogging that either

Steph: hahahaha no maybe no

me: great material

Steph: hows it going with tall beast

me: goin out to she and him tonite
its fun

Steph: oh fun

me: ***** says hi

Steph: tell him fuck you

me: *****: tell her i say hi
me: ok
but now we have to make fun of you
HAHAHA

Steph: HAHAHAHA
totally do

me: told him

Steph: that guys a tart. and THAT you can print!

me: *****: ha
me: having hilarious stoner chat with steph
*****: tell her i say hi

me: she says fuck you

*****: ha
i’m kidding
could have delt with it better for sure
didn’t know how
think i know better now
gotta end it with one of the girls i’m with now

me: ugh

Steph: dear ***** please shut up you’re a massive tart
ps why do i care what he said about me when i met him

me: man i should just blast up this entire chat
BOOM

Steph: hahahah

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/3639957550/in/set-72157619994573824/

me: *****s people and beast people are connected too
in this fucked up way and theyre all reading my blog
this is like meta

Steph: weeeeeeeeird that would make me go mentally insane with paronoia

me: uh yeah
one is a blogger too
and talks shit about everyone
i dont think she’ll mess with me though (though if she contacted me i’d be cool with it. hi!)

Steph: a blogger anyone reads?

me: yes

Steph: fuck her
HAHAHHA

me: HAHAH
I DIDNT KNOW I WAS TALKING TO A TOUGH GUY

Steph: im a dick today
totally dude- i work at the beer store!

me: oh yeah tell me about that

Steph: im not allowed to talk bout it online
gay
wait phone

me: ok
i want a drink so bad but i am so lazy
brb’
fuck

me: oh my god i forwarded our chat verbatin to beast
meh

me: he doesnt care
thats some phone conversation
12 minutes
me: ok lesbian til next time

Steph: sorry i suck, 1 phone call became 2!
i think i have actual friends coming over

me: u have friends?

Steph: sigh
just al

me: aw
69 people on my blog

Steph: magic number EH EH

me: ha
watch the dance vid on my blog

Steph: do you still like **** (not the same asteriks-ed out guy from before)?

me: no
i never did

Steph: you said you were kinda into him

me: does it seem like i do why does everyone think that

Steph: you did say that

me: well had we had sex yet

Steph: please repeat in engrish

me: did i fuck him yet or not

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/3639146177/in/set-72157619994573824/

Steph: i dont know? i didnt even know you had. hahaha i guess it was bad

me: it was lame
beast is a good lay tho

Steph: phew
remember *******?

me: EW
******

Steph: yeah

me: what do u eat when u get the munchies

Steph: whatever is onhand
or at the store before 9pm
my favourite thing right now are half baked bars
ben & jerry’s
you?

me: mm what are those
um i punish myself
catching up on your blog
aw lennon i fucking love lennon
left u two comments

+++++

ok well that one licked the bag.